Joseph Taylor

Joey in 2005 & 2010

Isn't it amazing that he really looks the same? :) Yes, of course, a lot bigger. He is now 5'6" and wears a size 10 in men's shoes. But, still the same Joey.

I remember being pregnant with Joey. So Sick! Not the glowing pregnancy every woman dreams of. I soon realized that an 8 month pregnant lady should not be sick over a toilet. Very hard to get up! :~D But, with the joy of preclampsia, he arrived four weeks early. A very loud screaming five pounds! He was SO tiny. But, with God's blessings, he was healthy enough to come home when I was released from the hospital a few days later.

He was a very easy baby. Happy. As a toddler, he was so funny. I think one of his first words after 'mommy' and 'daddy' was 'wipe-y.' Every time he'd get his hands dirty, he would hold them up and want a 'wipe-y.' Of course, at the time, it was cute. (as a teenager, I have to remind him to wipe his hands on a napkin!) He became a big brother at the ripe old age of 16 months. Joey was scared to death when he was brought to the hospital and saw me hooked up to several machines including an IV. He still doesn't like hospitals. But once we were both home, Joey became the big brother. Luke had colic and Joey didn't understand why he cried all the time. So, Joey would bring him toys. Or pat his head. Or bring a diaper. We would cuddle on the couch when Luke went to sleep. Once Faith was born, he was the big brother of two. Both Joey and Luke loved Faith automatically. Joey wouldn't hold her until she came home from the hospital though. (Still very cautious about hospitals.) But, he is a good big brother. He protects his siblings because it's his job to pick on them. No one elses. :)

Joey is kind and smart. His personality will drive us nuts at times though. He is happy to be in the middle somewhere. He doesn't have the desire to be the best at anything. Of course, this makes Kent nuts because if he tries to do something - he wants to be the best.. Me? Not very competitive. I'll lose if I think you need to win more. LOL But, if he ever got that desire for something -- anything -- he could do it! I believe in him. We are just waiting to see what will make him want to be apply himself. I wish that he could see how much potential is just hidden inside of him waiting to be discovered.

I wish that everyone, including Joey himself, could see him like I do. God gave me a beautiful little boy named Joseph first for a reason. God made him the big brother for a reason. I know that he will be there for Luke and Faith, the way I wish mine was there for me. Joey is so much like me that I can understand him (most of the time!!). I like to think he has the best parts of my personality! haha!! He does have Kent's sense of humor which is probably a good thing! But Joey gets why some things are important that can just go by other kids his age. Like family history. (he likes genealogy) Or visiting Grandparents. Or helping others. I am proud to be his mother and I can't wait to see what God has in store for him! I love you Joey!

Time Goes On...

Faith, Cara, Abby, & Summer

Spring Break 2008

(Faith was in kindergarten)

Cara, Faith, Summer, Joey, Luke, & Abby

Spring Break 2008

Looking at those photos makes me realize how quickly time goes. It doesn't seem that long ago but look how little they are! Luke was in 3rd grade like Faith is now. Faith was in kindergarten like Abby is now! It's so hard to believe that it's the end of another year. The kids have gotten so big physically and mentally. I now have a teenager!! And he's 5'6" and wears a size 10 men's shoe!! Don't get me started on the mouth of a teenager. Why is it that I have to 'pay for my husband's' raising? LOL :~D Both of my boys are in middle school trying to find their ninch. My daughter is now in third grade. It's already the middle of the school year. She will soon be in the blue hallway with the big 4th & 5th graders! I know that each workday we wish away so we can get to the weekend to be home with our families. Then, look what happens! It's the end of another year! Time does go on...

Looking into the New Year, I just want sleep at night knowing the bills are paid and my kids are healthy. I want to have wonderful moments that will turn into warm memories. I want my family to know how much they mean to me. I want to worry less what others may think and do what God has for me. I want to keep trying in relationships. (Kent doesn't understand why I try so hard in relationships that don't appreciate me or even seem to want me, but for my own conscience, I must try. Who knows? Maybe next year will be there year that I can get through. Anything is possible.) I want to try and enjoy the days in between the weekend. (at least part of the days!! LOL) My wish for you are God's Blessings throughout the New Year. Enjoy your time here because it is limited and time does go on..

Love and Acceptance

The cousins:

Luke, Summer, Faith, Cara, Joey, and Phillip

My niece, Abby

Cara and Grandma Yarbrough

Faith, Summer, and Cara

Tonight I am once again feeling blessed. I was downloading my pictures to see what I got and just felt that warm fuzzy feeling deep inside. Must have been what the Grinch felt when his heart grew. My heart just feels full of love. I look at these pictures and think of how they have grown and changed. How their love and acceptance has changed me.

That first Christmas years ago, I remember sitting on the floor by the fireplace being quite (unusual huh? lol) Just watching trying to remember any one's names and trying to figure out who was who. My niece, Cara, was about 5 at that time. She curled up in my lap and stayed there. Aaawww...the love and acceptance of a child can make a weak person brave. I remember watching Phillip and how clearly you could see how much he loved his Uncle Brent. The love and acceptance of a child is not hid, but shines through. Now, they are in college. Starting to figure out who they are and who they want to be. Summer, she was born a couple months after my oldest, Joey. It was been wonderful to see them grow up together. They used to run and hug one another when they were little. (not so much anymore! heehee) Now, they both have turned 13 and I'm wondering where did the years go? It was harder because she was born just a few months after my own first child and I was concentrated on him. But, she has always given me a chance and her love and acceptance has made me want to be a better Aunt. Last but not least, our little Abby. She had me at her first scream! I remember getting to hold her and her crying from colic. Walking around and bouncing her a little, talking to her, then the quietness as she settled down. (no, it wasn't everytime, she did have colic...lol.) That small little joy inside knowing that somewhere deep inside of that beautiful baby, she trusted me as she curled up on my chest. (yeah, I know. She probably just fussed herself to sleep but let me have my moment! LOL) The love and acceptance from a child is humbling. They are amazing things, aren't they?

Love and Acceptance

Isn't that what we are all searching for?

Christmas Meaning

This time of year is filled with so many things. Some good. Some bad. So many times I feel like the meaning of Christmas is lost in the shuffle. Christmas is to celebrate Christ, His birth, His love, His grace. It is not "Happy Holidays." It's CHRISTmas. It's not the pushing. The shoving. The shopping. This wonderful time of year does not always bring out the best in people. I guess that is why my favorite holiday has always been Thanksgiving.

I grew up in a home that REALLY 'celebrated' Christmas. Well, when I say 'celebrated', I mean my parents made sure that was lots under the tree. That was the one holiday a year that my mom did some major shopping! Which as a kid, made it an awesome day!! LOL The tree would be empty and in the morning, it would be full of presents. Even now, she makes sure that Kent & I plus my three kids have stuff to open Christmas Day.

I just want to take back Christmas to a simpler time. I don't know if it's possible in today's world, but I'd like to try. We have always read the birth of Jesus in the Bible and 'Twas the Night before Christmas' every Christmas Eve. I always bake Jesus a birthday cake every Christmas Eve. Then, every Christmas morning before we open any gifts or look at our stockings, we stand around the cake and sing Happy Birthday to Jesus.

Next year will probably be Faith's last year to believe in Santa. (She'll be in 4th grade) I've slowly moved away from that. They haven't went to see Santa in a couple years. They have never wrote their wish list and sent it to him. (they actually give it to my mom!!) As the kids get older, I want to focus on what Christmas is really about.

Yes, gift giving is part of the Christmas traditions. I do love shopping for my kids, nieces, & nephew. I love finding that gift that you know will make them smile. I think in the Christmas story we read, we should include Matthew 2:1-12. After all, this where the gift giving comes about. We need to teach our kids the whole story and why we do some things. This is a perfect example.

Matthew 2:11: ". . . they opened their treasures and presented him with

gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrth."

In fact, as my kids get bigger and older ~ I want to go back. If as a babe, Christ received three gifts fom the wise men. Are we any better that Him? The Perfect One? So, that is what I want to do. Each Christmas morning, to sing 'Happy Birthday' and for each of us to open our three gifts under the tree. I want to take the focus off of our wants. To put our focus back where it belongs. On Christ.

Christmas Thoughts

One of our favorite things to do as a family is put up the Christmas tree. We unwrap each ornament and each of the kids get to place 'their' ornament on the tree. Until a couple years ago, they each picked out a new one each year. When they started kindergarten, they each got an ornament for school. Now, we add a family picture to the tree each year. As you can see, it's not just about my kids. It's about family. I love to see how much they've grown and changed through the years. Look at my niece and nephew in the corner picture. They are both in college now! My niece at the top is in kindergarten. My Dad passed on last year. My tree may not be the fanciest tree with ribbons and bows. But, I look at my tree and I see the connections of family. The love of family. It's become so large that my pretty ornaments don't even make the tree anymore! And ~ I wouldn't have it any other way!

This year has been harder for me to get into the Christmas spirit. It has been a hard year in many ways. Yet, I'll stay up and sit and look at our tree in the silence of the evening, and the meaning of Christmas is there. The love of Christ is so apparent in the blessings He has given. I love the saying that the most important things in life are not things. It is so true!

But, even so, with Christmas comes a little Christmas shopping. :-D Most people know that I'm not a big shopper. Honestly! Kent lucked out on that one! Unless, of course, it's Christmas time! I love to go looking (and some buying) for my kids, my nieces, my newphew, my Mom. Yes, as they get older, it becomes more of a challenge. But, it's kinda a test to see how well you know them! ;-) I do admit it though. I broke down and asked my newphew what he needed. So, I have two weeks left and one gift to buy yet for Faith. And, I know what it is. Not bad, not bad at all. Good Luck to you as you finish you Christmas shopping!

Friends are the Family you choose

The Brooks

Madison, MaKinna, and Jaden Brooks

When I was growing up, I didn't have aunts or uncles that lived by. I honestly can't tell you the name of any of my cousins. I only saw them when my Grandparents died at their funerals. But, I had a friend that was like a second mother to me. She took on the role of what I think of as an aunt. She was the one that I could talk to that was kinda' like my mother ~ but wasn't. LOL :-) I knew that no matter what, she would always love me. I also knew in the back of my mind that if something major happened, she would tell my parents. But, for the little dramas of just growing up, she would keep my secrets. I remember going to Sonic and ordering a couple cherry limeades and just sitting their talking. About boys. About mean girls. About the life of a girl growing up. God chooses our family, but we have a say in who we choose as our friends. I want my kids to have that relationship with some one. They need it. As much as I want my kids to tell me everything and have an open relationship so they can talk with me, I know that won't happen. I know that secrets will be kept as they grow older. My parents don't know everything and I was a very mild teenager. I want my kids to have some one older and wiser then they are, who will love them unconditionally, to listen when they feel like they can't talk to me.

I also want to be that person because I know how important it is. Those three children in the photos are very important to me. They are my closest friend's children. They have a large family that loves them, but they also have me. I love them as well. They have been part of my life since Jaden was born and what a blessing it has been. I also have nieces and a nephew that I love unconditionally. Who knows what lies ahead for any of us? I believe that our children need the support and love, not just from us, as parents~ but others as well. Faith was in second grade and two girls were bulling her. I don't remember getting picked on until 6th grade. Things have changed. Our children need love and understanding and acceptance. Sometimes they do not get it at home, so they look for it elsewhere. Sometimes it is in the home, but our children do not accept it so they look elsewhere. Where will our children look? Friends are the family you choose. We must choose wisely and teach our children to do the same.

The Here and The Now

I was reading the Bible and this passage was brought to my attention. It's one that I've read before. It's one that I've heard before in preaching. But ~ today, it made me go back to re-read and even to go back later. Luke 17:20-21 (NLT):

One day the Pharisees said to Jesus, " When will the Kingdom of God come?"

Jesus replied, "The Kingdom of God can't be detected by visible signs. You

won't be able to say, "Here it is!" or "It's over there!" For the Kingdom

of God is already among you.

The Kingdom of God here? Among the pain and suffering? Among the jobless? Among the hungry? I have to say YES! The Kingdom of God is here among us. It lives in the hearts of His people. Wherever I go, He is there. But am I acting this way? Am I acting as Jesus would? Romans 12:10 (NLT)

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

I fall short of this so much. I do put others above myself alot. But, those others are my family. God looks at all of us as family. We are brothers and sisters in Christ. Yet, it is hard to look outside my family or outside my church and think of them as family. It is so much easier to look and to judge. And seriously, this time of year does bring out some examples of how crazy people can be. (Black Friday ring any bells? LOL) But, even though I may fall short, I must at least try to live by Jesus' example. Only then, will my children do the same.

Thankfulness

Cara & Phillip Rolf

Luke, Summer Rolf, & Joey

Abby & Faith Snow

Joey, Faith, and Luke Snow

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It helps that it's in my favorite season. I just love the smell of fall (between the sneezing!) and the beauty of the season. The green trees turn beautiful shades of red, yellow, and orange. Thanksgiving is just a day to stop...and be thankful. To look around at all that God has blessed you with and be thankful. Christmas there is such a rush. There's the lights. The shiny decorations. The gift giving. (and buying) Busy, busy, busy... And yes, I do enjoy the things of the Christmas season. But, sometimes the reason for Christmas is lost. (but that's another blog..lol ) But with Thanksgiving it's about family. Friends. Good food. So, this week as I prepare homemade bread, cheesecake, dressing, and the other wonderful things for my family ~ I am just thankful that I have family to prepare it for. Not just my three wonderful kids. But, I am blessed with three nieces and and a nephew. A beautiful grandmother. A brother and a sister that I didn't have before marriage. I am thankful that God has been there for me each step of the journey I am on and given me this extended family I never had. I am blessed. And, I am thankful.

Missing You

The doctors' gave him 6 months.

But God gave him two years.

It is Vetern's Day once again. This day last year, I sat with my Dad in a hospital room. That morning, I went through the denial stage very quickly. There wasn't any room for denial. Everyone knew that this was it. My mom sat on one side of the bed holding one hand. I sat on the other side of the bed holding the other hand. My husband in the chair beside me. The only sound was our tears and his breathing. Each labored breath.

I remember telling him over and over how much we loved him and that it's okay to let go. He made it through the night with my mom and I beside him. Kent left to be with the kids. The next morning, Kent came back and we sat waiting once again. Then, at 11:30 a.m., we knew this was it. It's so odd that we knew. The room just felt different. We all stood up around the bed holding his hands. I kept repeating, "I love you." And, at 11:33 my Dad took his last breath.

God blessed us with two years. Two years that had it's share of pain, physical and mental. But, they were also filled with joy. Trick or treating with the kids. Birthday parties. Cookouts. Christmas. Just having lunch together. Or him taking the kids to Dairy Queen. In those two years, each time we left, he gave us a hug, a kiss, and told each of us that he loved us. That is a true blessing. We never did that before. It was a 'see ya'. But, when cancer comes around and you don't know if there will be a next time ~ 'see ya' turns into a 'love you'.

The Pedestal

Growing up, I put my parents on a pedestal. I was their little girl. They were supposed to protect me. Guide me. Be all knowing. Always make the right decisions. Then, as I got older, things changed. I was 18 or 19, still trying to figure things out and I became angry. Looking back on my childhood, I saw so many things that went wrong. The emotional abuse. The sexual abuse (not by my parents, but I felt they didn't protect me). Waayy over protectiveness. There was always secrets that couldn't be talked about. (and still can't be) My senior year my parents got divorced. That was the last straw for me. I either had to heal my heart or drive off the bridge. I read lots of books. I found God. He taught me about forgiveness but it was so hard. I was flipping channels and came across Oprah. It was about a mother who really messed up because of things in her childhood. This has stuck with me and this changed me:

I did what I knew until I knew better.

When I knew better, I did better.

I started seeing my parents as people. I took them off the pedestal and got to know them as people. Yes, my childhood could have been better. But, it's my choice as an adult what to do with that hurt and anger. Do I keep chips on my shoulder? Do I hold it against them forever? Or do I learn to let go? I worked through it and with God's help, I forgave them. I got to know my parents. Their faults. Their view. Their hurt. Their disappointments. My parents made mistakes, but I've learned that we all do. Maybe not to the extreme of my childhood, but mistakes none the less. I'm so happy that I worked through this at such a young age, so I could enjoy my parents while they are here. My brother is not so lucky. He missed the opportunity to be there for my Dad. My Dad died a year ago this week. My adult relationship with my parents is so much better than my relationship as the 'baby'. When my parents knew better ~ they did better. I can talk with my mom now. I used to have lunch with my Dad once a week just because. It's as simple and as hard as that. I'm blessed. After all, would I change what happened to me growing up? No. It has made me who I am today. And, I'm lot better person with the large baggage to go through than a small carry on.

What If?

Halloween 2010 with Great Grandma Yarbrough

Halloween 2009 with Papa Robinson

When we were getting out of the van to walk to Grandma Yarbrough's and I grabbed the camera (again! LOL), Kent asked, "Why are you taking it? We won't be there that long." I thought back to last Halloween. Who knew that 12 days after this photo was taken my Dad would be gone? I didn't know this would be the last photo taken of him. If I did, the kids would have been dressed nice and hair combed. Not with green and white hair wearing a robe. But looking at the picture now, I know that it made my Dad happy to see them dressed up. He had a nerd rope for each of them that I helped him pick out the previous week. So, as I took my camera to get another picture of Grandma and the kids, I told Kent, "What if?" What if this is the last time?

What if?

There are no guarantees. Life is fragile. Don't take those moments for granted.

Fall

I love this time of year!! The beautiful colors! The cooler temperatures!

My favorite holiday is next month! Truly a time of Thanksgiving!

I went with Faith on her third grade fieldtrip to War Eagle Cavern. It was a

beautiful day spent with my little girl. I went with Joey and Luke when they were

in third grade. It makes me sad to do all of the 'last time' fieldtrips. ;(

Aaahhh... nothing says fall quite like a pumpkin patch! A warm

afternoon spent with my family outside enjoying God's creation!

I love making memories with my family!

The Will of God

The will of God...we were talking about this during Sunday school and it got me thinking. The will of God was separated into three types: The sovereign will of God, the moral will of God, and the individual will of God. The sovereign will controls the universe. The moral will is revealed in the Bible for us to live by. The individual will ~ well, the authors' strongly disagreed with that there is one. After all, we do have free will. So, is there a plan for us here? Where does our choices and God's will touch or connect?

I believe that we chose to be here. Honestly, everyone talks about going 'back home' to be with God. So, that would imply that we were once there. And God is a loving and just God. I believe that we chose to come to this earth to learn and grow and to please God. And how do we learn the lessons on this earth so we can graduate and go back home? God places people in our lives. Events in our lives. After all, how do we learn patience? It's by having some one important in your life that you have to be patient for. How do we learn compassion? You learn by going through hardships of your own.

I don't think that God cares if I have a salad for lunch or Chinese food. But, honestly, I believe He cares about those bigger decisions in my life. I believe that He does have a plan. Why else would there be children and adults Down's Syndrome? Why else would there be children with Autism? And elderly with Alzheimer's? God has certain people in my life for a reason. Some bring joy. Some bring lessons. Some bring support. I believe that God has a will for my life and a will for yours. There are certain things I need to learn while I'm on this journey before I can go home.

There are many choices on this earth that I can make everyday. However, I also believe that God's Will has plans written just for us. These will happen if I move from Arkansas to Florida. And I believe, that if only one person that in Arizona can bring me a speific lesson ~ then, God will open that door and will bring a change in my path. (And we'd head to Arizona.) This is a hard journey that we are on. But knowing that God's Will is in control ...I am thankful.

Blessings Everywhere

Everyone knows that it gets worse before it gets better, right? I, like everyone else, just wishes we could bypass that getting worse part. Or when you think, okay, this is the bottom ~ guess what?! Yep, you guessed it. Slip-slide down just a little more. It's okay. God knows. It is so easy to look around at my situation and become discouraged. To feel hopeless. To look around for that white flag to raise up. But ~ that's not what need to be doing. Sometimes when you get so wrapped up in the drama of life, the blessings go un-noticed. I don't want that to happen.

I want to notice the good things. I want praise God and thank God, no matter where I am in this journey. Yes, I do have much to be thankful for. Most of all, God. Yep, three little letters but one BIG word. :~) I have three great kids that overall are healthy. I am SO thankful each and everyday that Luke is not severe. I have a husband that is trying: trying to understand. trying to have the faith through this. trying to be patient. Just trying. I am also thankful for fall. My favorite season. I love the cooler temperatures that just call to be outside. I baked Saturday afternoon for parent teacher conferences and had the windows open. Wonderful! Friday, we are planning to pack up our lunchboxes and have a picnic at the park with my niece. I love this time of year! Yes, there are blessings on this journey. We just have to take time to notice.

Hope Through the Trials

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting

away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our

light and momentary trouble are are achieving for us an eternal glory

that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,

but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is

unseen is eternal."

Just remember that no matter what situation that you are in: You are not alone. You are loved. You are here for a purpose. You are a Child of God. This song has touched my heart and made me sing loud. Windows up in car, of course! :~) I can feel the words. I hope that it can give you hope as well, no matter where you are on your journey.

Praise You in this Storm. By Casting Crowns.

Written by M. Hall & B. Herms

"As the thunder rolls

I barely hear you whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands

And praise the God that gives and takes away.

And I will praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands

For You are who You are no matter where I am

And every tear I've cried, You hold in your hand

You never left my side and though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm."

Change. . .

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to

prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I cling to this promise. I am not very good at change. I tend to be more like the turtle where slow and steady wins the race. Not the rabbit which is bouncing from here to there, making change. I know this and it can be a good trait. I'm very loyal. I am forgiving. I'm one of those that you can call at 2 a.m. and I ask 'are you okay?' and 'what can I do?' Yet, there are times like now, when I wish I took change easier. I know in my head that sometimes we must be broken, so that God can make us what we are meant to be. Yet, that is never an easy process.

John 15:2

"He cuts off every branch in my that bears no fruit, while every branch that

does bear fruit, He prunes so it will be even more fruitful."

My husband's job, well, sucks really. He was working a month of nights. Then, a month of days. 12 hour shifts. Four days on then four days off. Usually during the summer months, he'd have to work two days overtime and only get two days off before doing it again. But, now, the recession is even hitting us. They have laid off around 60 people. They are working three 8-hour shifts. He got placed on third shift from 11 pm to 7 am. But, the worse is not over. There will be more layoffs. And ~ he's not that far from the bottom of the list anymore. He's worked there twelve years now and he's not that far from the bottom. Unbelievable. To top that off, they will be going down to a four day work week. 32 hours a week. This has been so hard to all of us. For him, he believes it's his job to provide for his family. And he has no control over what's going on. How can this happen? It's not like we're newlyweds just starting out. We should be on our feet supporting our family at this time in our lives, not struggling week by week just to get by. I always wonder why it is that in Heaven, money means nothing. Yet, we struggle with it so much here on Earth. I know it has to do with sin, but honestly, my dream on Earth would be to have a home, pay my bills, and go on a family vacation once a year. Simple right? Yet, it can be so hard.

Things are changing in our lives. We just have to trust in God right now that things will turn out, not just okay, but better. That the plans that He has for us is better than what we could even ask for. I am leaning heavily on the promises of God. For I know that I am a child of His. I can let it go to God, for there is nothing that can be done but to pray. For His will to be done. For strength. For compassion. For understanding. For a peace in my heart & mind.

1 Peter 1:6-7

"though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds

of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold,

which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine

and may result in praise, glory, and honor when

Jesus Christ is revealed."

My Family. . .

My niece, Abby

My sons, Joey & Luke with my nephew, Phillip

My daughter, Faith, with my nieces, Summer & Cara

"If I could give you one thing in life,

I would give yourself the ability

To see yourself through my eyes.

Only then,

Would you realize how special you are.."

~ Unknown

To Love, Not Judge

1 John 4:12

"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another,

God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."

I'll be honest. There are times when that is easier said than done. It is so easy to look at some one and just see what's on the outside. What they present to rest of the world. I make snap decisions based upon that. I have three kids. Is this some one I want my kids to speak to? Is this some one I feel comfortable talking with? There are so many bad things out there. So many things that I want to protect my kids and, honestly, myself from. Yet, it's my job as a parent to prepare them....

not shelter them.

Yes, there are crazy people out there. Sick people that do sick things to children and adults. As much as I'd love to hover over my children, it's not doing them any good unless I teach them about the world. Teach me kids to yell "help", not just scream if some one tries to take them. Teach them to be aware of their surroundings and each other. Teach them when to fight and when to run. Teach them about the world with all of the joys and faults it has to offer. I believe that going to public school is a great tool to prepare kids for the world. They are around children that are not like them or the other kids at church. They are exposed to different ideas that we may have never thought of. Yes, they are around kids that don't believe in God. They are around different religions that I don't believe in. Isn't that the way it is for us in the world everyday? It's our chance and our children's chance to stand on our faith. I try to teach them not to judge others, just to give other kids a chance. The Bible says to love one another ~ Even the bullies. Even the brother that doesn't call or show up. Even ones that judge you. Yes, Jesus loved all of us.

1 John 4:21

"And he has given us this command: whoever loves God must also love his brother."

Some days are easier than others... Some people are easier than others... But, if I am to teach my children not to judge others and to give people a chance, I can do no less than to lead by example. I know that I can't do it alone. And I know that I will fail at times. This is a hard comandment to follow, but I know I must try.

Why?

Three little letters.

One BIG question.

Things in this life don't always go as you plan. Or if you like me lately, never go as planned. Sometimes I feel like a hamster going around and around in a circle but never actually going anywhere. You try. You pray. Then, that door closes and your in a room, in the dark, waiting...for God's Light to shine where He's put the window. Sometimes that wait is short. (Love those times!) Sometimes there is a lesson within the wait and it's long. Of course while I'm in the dark, I start to question, "Why?" Why am I here? Why me? (don't we all eventually get to that question?) Why now? and it goes to the question, "What do I do now?"

Kent and I are reading a book called 'When Life Is Hard.' It talks about how those who are not traveling the path of God seem to have it easy. Their worries on this earth seem small. It's because there isn't a fight of good against evil. Evil has already won in their lives. Yet, for those who try to stay on God's path ~ we struggle. Sometimes we have to get out the hatchet and chop down the vines on our path. Evil wants us to give in and scream, 'It's too much!' God is there protecting us but He knows our hearts. He knows how much we really can take. Of course, God's version of what I can take and my version are different sometimes. The Lord knows when I just need to hear an, "I love you mommy" to keep me going. And then sometimes, you just need to say a prayer, cuddle under the covers, and rest. Trusting that you've put your troubles in God's hands and there's nothing He can't see you through.

Psalm 34:18-21

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.

He protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken,

Evil will slay the wicked, the foes of the righteous will be condemned."

God's Will, Not Our Own

God's Lent Child

I'll lend you for a little while, a child of mine, God said
For you to love her while she lives, and mourn for when she's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or forty-two or three;
But will you, till I call her back, take good care of her for me?
I'll bring her charms to gladden you, and should her stay be brief,
You'll have the lovely memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay, since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught below I want this child to learn.
I've searched the whole world over, for teacher's kind and true;
And from the things crowd life's way, I have chosen you.
Now will you give her all your love? Nor think the labor vain?
Nor hate me should the angels call, to take this child back again?
To which the parents did reply, Dear Lord, Thy will be done.
For all the joys thy child will bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter her with tenderness, we'll love her while we may.
For all the love this child will bring, forever grateful we will stay.
But should thy angels call for her, much sooner than we planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that grows and try to understand.

This is one of those poems that has been around a while. I've read it years ago, before I had my own children. It made me sad for a moment but it didn't effect me. It wasn't personal. Yesterday, I ran across it again and it made me stop...and think. I have a friend who is so strong. She has to be for God to give her so much. She has lost not one, but two children. Not far apart from each other. Yes, she got to see her children grow into teens and starting to become their own person. But ~ that is where their journey ended. I can't put myself in her spot. I haven't been there. I was there through her grief with her daughter. I saw so much strength, even in her tears.

I hope that I never have to say 'I've been there' for that lesson on earth. I pray that it's not in God's plans for me. However, in between Luke and Faith, I had a miscarriage. I was going to doctor's appointments once a month. I was actually feeling good, which was not normal for me. I wasn't throwing everything up. I craved soup. Blood pressure was normal. I just knew it was a girl. My pregnancy was so different then when I had the boys. I was buying purple teddy bears and blankets. Pink outfits. That's how sure it was a girl. Her name was going to be Destiny. Then, came the appointment. I guess it was the 4th month because I was going to schedule my ultrasound for the next month. And, then the one thing you never want to happen ~ there was not a heartbeat. They sent me to the emergency room to have their machines do an ultrasound. Silence...

The only noise in the room was my sobs. How many times can you cry "NO!" and still feel like your not being heard?? Since I was so far along, they wanted to do a D & C. They told me that the baby's too big. Here I go again with the "NO!" I remember telling them that if God wanted this baby back, then He has to do it. Not me. Not you. So, they scheduled it for 4 weeks later and if I didn't have it by then, they would have to do the D & C to prevent infection. So, I went to the pharmacy and filled my pain pills and went home. I lived in denial. That's how I coped. Doctor's have been wrong before. This couldn't be happening. I'd sit in the nursery after the boys went to bed and rock in the rocking chair and cover myself with her lavender blanket. And cry...

Weeks progressed with nothing. I became more sure that the doctor's were wrong. Nothing is going to happen. I talked with God all the time. Pleaded with God. Cried. Begged. But, His plans are not our own. The night before I had to go into the hospital, my water broke all over the kitchen after the boys were in bed. The first and only time my water broke naturally. I don't know how many pain pills I took because they didn't help at all. It was like taking an aspirin when you need a midol. So much pain.. physically...mentally. But ~ God knew I didn't want to have the D&C done. He knew I'd always doubt and wonder if I had it done. So, the next morning, instead of going in for the procedure, I just got checked over and made an appointment for next year. Now, I am one of the statistics. I can say 'I understand' and 'I've been there' to women who's had a miscarriage.

It was a long hard year. No one knows what to say when you have a miscarriage. It was a year of faith. A year of believing there's a reason, even when I cannot see. I sat in the nursery in the evenings praying for my little girl back. I remember telling God that there are a lot of souls up there but I wanted that one little girl. The one that I lost. The one that is meant to be with me in this life. The next year, I kept my appointment for my yearly woman's appointment. And the doctor came in and told me that I was pregnant! I was in a bit of shock. I went home that day and I pulled out the pill bottle in the medicine cabinet. It was the exact same day I refilled the pain meds a year earlier. The same day there wasn't a heartbeat ~ a year later, there was a new life. God is good! Guess what? I was craving soup again. But, instead of her being my Destiny ~ she is Faith.

Progress??

Well, we have been doing the GFCF diet for a couple weeks now. The question is: Is it worth the hassle? Can I tell a difference? The short answer would be: YES! We have been very constant with the diet change besides some exceptions here and there. We want those exceptions to just be once a week. (if that) It is not always that easy though. Suppers at home are easy to control and make GFCF friendly. And, we eat at home most of the time. However, it's things like have the 5 roast beef sandwiches for $5 coupon at Arbys. Sitting down and everyone eating, than realizing Luke's not supposed to be eating it! For some reason, I knew in my head that he could have Subway (which is what I wanted) so, we headed to Arby's. Yeah, I know. Go figure!!

Grandma Yarbrough's birthday party was a couple weeks ago. I made a regular vanilla cake and cut it to make a flip flop. So, there were extra pieces of cake around the house. Which, of course, the kids munched on. Then, at the party, Luke had a large piece of cake. Geez!! The next morning, he was terrible! He was past the high functioning autism child he is and down to the 'typical' autism child you imagine. That Sunday, he was so cranky and out of sorts that he stayed home with Kent from church. People asked where he was and I just said he's sick. Which in my mind, he was. So, we're learning as we go. I got some lactose free cheese slices, which is not casein free and not on his diet, but it's the closest that I found at the store. I've taken ham slices and one slice of cheese cut up and rolled it in 2 corn tortillas. That's been in his lunch box a few times and he likes it. He doesn't seem to have any behavior changes with it. So, it might be a keeper in his diet. We will see.

I'm seeing a difference. Other people are seeing a difference. (he's communicating more) I can really tell when he has something that's not good for him!! :~) I don't think he'd be functioning in middle school as well without this change. I'd really hate to see him go through all these changes without the diet now. We are sticking with it. After school, the kids want to stop at Wendy's and get a frosty. Or McDonald's and get a $1 sundae. So far, it's Sonic with a slushy once in a while. Or home where I know I can find something safe. This journey is a bit rocky, but no one said it would be easy.

Just A Bit Tired...

Have you read this book before? It is one of my favorite children's books. "Sometimes I like to curl up in a ball, so no one can see me because I'm so small." Do you ever feel like that? I know that I am not alone in that feeling. We have all been there. Stress over kids, bills, work, even what's for dinner some times! I am an outgoing person. I love people. To meet new people. To help people. To talk with people. But, when it comes to conflict or feeling overwhelmed, I just clam up. I know this stems from my childhood. I know it but it's just a part of who I am.

"I find somewhere soft, somewhere cozy and small... And that's where I like to curl up in a ball."

Of course, that is not always the best thing to do. I realize that just because I put off that problem, it doesn't go away. The bills are still there. The kids are still hungry. (again!!) The job stuff will be there tomorrow. And, I still have to advocate for what's best for my kids no matter what a pain in the booty I become to the schools.

Where does that leave me? And maybe you? Do you see yourself in any of this? My Hope is that tomorrow will be better. For the Lord knows where this Journey is taking me and He knows my tomorrows. He has been with me thus far, He's not leaving me now! My Faith is that I don't walk alone. If the Lord has his eyes on the sparrow, I know that He is there with me. But, yes, I do get tired. I just want some one else to handle everything. I do believe that I am here on this Earth to learn many lessons. They are not easy ones. If they were, how would I grow? But, my 'somewhere' soft, cozy, and small is in God's Everlasting Arms. Isaiah 40:29-31

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak,

Even youths grow tried and weary, and young men stumble and fall;

But those who Hope in the Lord will renew their strength,

They will soar on wings like Eagles,

They will run and not grow weary,

They will walk and not be faint."

We all stumble. We all fall. We all cry. But, even as I type this it's a lot easier to put "we" then it is to put "I". So, let me try again... I stumble. I fall. I cry. But ~ I also HOPE.

Grateful...

Yep, it's midnight. Yeah, I've already went to bed once. I was laying there talking to God again. About the day...the week...what's going to happen. And He seemed to tell me to slow down ~ Breathe. Just stop for a moment ~ and be thankful. To appreciate the blessings He has already given me. Remember the song about Counting Your Blessings One by One? Remember the saying about God opening window when the door is closed? Sometimes I get busy looking for a ladder to get up to the window ~ that I don't Thank God for the window until much later.

Breathe...

James 1:17 "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above"

Usually when I think of this verse, I think of motherhood or about Jesus. What is more perfect than a screaming, beautiful bundle of joy? Or to have Jesus die on a cross for me? But tonight when I think of this, my heart and mind opens to my other good gifts from above. The blessings in my life or the windows that were cracked. I am thankful that this new diet for Luke seems to be giving me my son back. I am thankful that my Dad is no longer in pain and can watch over Luke. I am thankful for wonderful teachers who have loved my kids during the day. I am thankful for friends that want what is best for me, even though it's not always the easy route. (and will tell me!) I am thankful for my health. I wasn't even near the borderline diabetes number! I am thankful for my job because it may not be the best ~ but it is best for my kids. I am thankful for my family. Family is not always the ones you are born with, but the ones you make memories with. I am thankful to be living here, where the beauty around me reminds me of my Creator. The mountains. The rivers. The lakes. The Eagle soaring above us. I am very grateful for my life. This journey that I am on has it's ups and it's downs. But, I am learning. I know that God has it figured out even if I don't and for that ~ I am grateful.

"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses." ~Ziggy (comic strip)

Life is the journey...

Let's start off with school. It starts on Thursday. Luke is less than thrilled. He's nervous like all of the other new sixth graders starting at a different school. Tonight was the meet your teacher and get your schedule night. Luckily, he does have a nice home base teacher. She was Joey's favorite teacher last year. Then, the bad news. He knows one other person in the class. She is actually Faith's best friend's sister. So, I know that she is a sweet girl. However, I know he'd like to have a guy in class just as much as she'd like to have a girl in class. The assistant principal has come up with some kind of pass where he'll be able to go and see his friends. I am willing to give it a try. Luke is feeling very overwhelmed, which is normal. Hopefully, in another week, Luke will be not just okay ~ but happy. Joey is happy because he has friends in his pod and he's starting band. Faith is happy because she has her best friend in her class and the teacher she wanted. So, we are praying for a good year.

We did get Luke's blood tests results back. One of the things that was super high was something called Alkaline Phosphatase. When I looked it up I read that it's when the liver, bile ducts, or gallbladder are not functioning properly or blocked, the enzyme is released into the blood stream. (it goes back to the gut) Another thing that was very high was his Eosinophils level. This is one of the five major disease fighting white blood cells that controls inflammation. This tends to be on the higher side of normal for people with asthma but Luke's was beyond the 'normal' range. (what is his body fighting so hard for?) He also had protein in his urine which is a sign of his kidney function. (that gut area again) Of course, according to the doctor the labs are fine. But if one of the normal ranges are 30 - 200 and my son is 309 ~ that shows to me that something needs changed. I am not a doctor but it looks to me that Luke's kidneys and liver are not processing things correctly. So, even though the doctor pointed out there is no proof for the GFCF diet to help autism, I am still going in that direction.

In the two weeks that we've been doing it, I've already seen a difference and so has other people. His ears are not red and his rash has gotten smaller. He is with us a lot more and his alone time has gotten smaller. Last week, Luke spent the night at my in law's house and she noticed how he was out and talking to them so much more. Yes, his diet has slipped. He had one slice of pizza at a church function. But we made him eat before he went so he would only have one piece. I think Kent took them and got a donut a couple days ago, but it was one smaller one. (he usually wants an apple fritter) So, I know there will be times when he wants to be like everyone else. And ~ seriously, if he does this for a lifetime ~ you have to leave room for things your not supposed to have. But, hopefully, if he stays on the diet for the majority of the time ~ his body will learn to handle the mishaps once in a while. After all, life is not the destination. Life is the journey getting there...

Out of my hands

I feel that music can touch you everyday in your life. Sometimes just hearing a song can change your frame of mind, give you hope, or make you cry. This is one of my favorite songs. It has helped me through alot. I just wanted to share. I hope you listen to the words ~ and it can touch your heart and bring you hope as well.

The Path Of IEP's

The Individualized Education Program...

Luke started speech and occupational therapy when he was 4 years old. He had an IEP going into kindergarten. They wanted to start him out with no support because although they'd like the kids to write their name and know their ABC's ~ it's technically not required. Just let him fail for several months, then give him some support. That didn't go over well with me. It didn't make sense not to try and actually help him when it's clear that he's already a slow learner. I had to call in support from Springdale's special education department to go over the school's plan, but I did get him services starting in kindergarten. Every year there's more testing of some kind. Another IEP. New teachers. The worry of getting the right or wrong teacher. Now, Luke starts not only another school year ~ but another school. Middle School. More responsibilities. More kids. More classes. More teachers. More bullies. And yes, we did another IEP at the end of 5th grade to get ready for all these changes.

One of the things that his classroom teacher, speech teacher, head of special ed, and myself wanted and put into his IEP was that he get placed with his two friends. Luke has had two friends since second grade. They are all each other has for the day. All three a bit odd in their own ways. Fitting together well. All they needed to do was put them in the same pod so they could at least have one of their classes together. Just one.....seriously is that too much? Maybe have PE together where they could laugh and have fun? Or even their wheel with music and art? Just something. Just to know that 5th block might suck but just hang in there until 6th block when I can see my friends. Just something... Do you remember those days in jr high where you couldn't wait until a certain period to see your BFF. Well, take that and multiply ~ that's how important it is for Luke. So, guess what they did?

Luke and his two friends are in three different 'pods'. None of them are together. I've spoke to the vice principal (nice guy) and counselor (still undecided about her). They are telling me that they will see each other at lunch/social time. Well, yeah. We knew that when we wrote the IEP and decided that Luke needed more time with his friends. They told me that they talked to his homeroom teacher and she is going to help him make friends. I laughed at that one. Seriously! Do you not think that every teacher in every grade has not tried to help Luke made other friends?? Does she not know anything about special needs kids??? The end of last year after his IEP, Luke was scared and worried. I told Luke that he'd have his two friends. I might have to be the mother every principal dreads and hides from, but I am doing my best to see that I keep my word to Luke.

I am trying to point out that his IEP was made the end of last year and should have been taken into account when doing scheduling. Just because they didn't open that e-mail when working on the schedules, it's not my son's fault. Of course the counselor is telling me that it's "recommended" and "if possible" is what it states in the IEP. That just lets me know that she's trying to wiggle out of the problem. (that would be the reason I'm undecided about her yet) So, Friday will be another day of phone calls and worries and high blood pressure. Tonight ~ I am going to pray that God will open up that window and make it possible. Help me find that path that is right for my son...

A New Path Brings Change

Well, it's been a little over a week since we've started the GFCF diet for the family. I won't say that everything has been rainbows and tasted awesome, but it's been okay. Luke has his gluten free cereal with rice or soy 'milk' for breakfast. The rest of us are still using skim milk. There are a few cereals at Wal-Mart or Harps that are gluten free like Chex (rice, corn, honey nut), so that has helped. I've been making a fruit smoothie with the soy yogurt, blueberries, and his 'milk'. They taste just like the other ones I made with regular yogurt. Faith knows they're different and acts like they don't taste as good, but I think they taste better.

We did try some of the gluten free bread. And well ~ it's okay if you toast it. But seriously, if that was your only option ~ my sandwich consumption would go waaaayyyy down. I've checked out several books and got a lot of recipes for breads and even cakes that I can't wait to try. I've made spaghetti with rice noodles and realized that it's going to take 2 boxes instead of one to get the 'normal' amount as a wheat spaghetti box. But, I like the taste better than the wheat noodles we've been eating for years. I was never very fond of the nutty flavor of the wheat pasta. I also made chicken and noodles one night. I found the large rice elbow noodles and they were great. I cooked them in a separate pot and stirred them into my chicken mixture after they cooked. The water with rice noodles seem a lot starchier, so I don't think I'll ever cook them into my dish like I used to. Today I made gravy to go with some mashed potatoes and ham. I realize I need to have more chicken broth on hand. (some for the potatoes and some for home made gravy) It's not like I want my potatoes or gravy to have a 'vanilla flavor' that the soy milk has and every dinner I make has got to be for all of us. Luke feels different enough, I'm not going to give him a separate dinners. He's been wanting hamburgers lately. We had one without the bun the other night but it's just not the same. I've found a recipe to make hamburger buns that I'll have to try. So, I am learning as we go.

The thing that matters on this path is Luke. Can I see any difference yet? In the week that we've been doing it, Luke has been more social. He's not in his room watching TV or having his alone time as much. He is actually in the living room with us more. His ears do not seem as red. Pretty good for about a week! The true test will be when school starts and he has that stress in his life. I am going to see this diet through for the next few months ~ get his system cleaned out. We did go to the doctor to get his levels checked out. Poor guy has veins like his Momma. The nurse at the doctor's office wouldn't touch him and wanted him to drink lots of water and come back next morning. Next morning wasn't any better and she sent us to the hospital to get it drawn. One of those ladies wouldn't touch him so the other nurse had to. It took two sticks and an infant needle, but they got enough to send off. We should get the results the end of this week, maybe next week. I honestly don't think they'll find anything, but wouldn't it be terrible if years down the road we find out he had something we could have caught? That's the only reason the doctor agreed to get blood work. All this diet and vitamins for autism kids are still debated in the medical community. I am not waiting for them. It's my kid's future at stake. If replacing rice flour for white flour will make a difference, I'm willing to give it a try.

A New Path...

Well, we are starting a new journey together as a family...going down a new path to see where it goes. The book I've been reading, "Healing our autistic children," has given me something to think about, pray about, and more things to look up. Dr. Buckley describes autism as a "series of malfunctioning - gummed up, rusty, broken - gears or cycles, interacting in a child's body. These dysfunctional cycles play havoc with the child's cellular chemistry." And ~ according to the theory ~ if we fix the broken cycles going on inside their body, autistic children have a chance to recover some of what they've lost. It has helped a lot of severe autistic children lessen their 'fog', improve their speech, and eye contact. What about the high functioning children? I'm honestly not sure. There isn't documentation about the effects on those children. If fact, the other books I've read about the autism diet didn't even sound very hopeful that it would help. That would be the reason I haven't tried it before now. But, this book gives me other things to look for that are signs of bowl problems that the GFCF diet could improve such as: chronic diarrhea or constipation, foul-smelling stools, bloating, red ears or cheeks, eczema, dry skin or chronic rashes, chronic sinus drainage, recurrent infections, erratic behavior, hyperactivity, moodiness or irritability, and sleep problems. Luke doesn't have everything from the list, but he has enough to me to take notice and consider...


GFCF means a gluten free casein free diet. Gluten is a protein found in wheat, oats, rye, bulgur, barley, and durum to name a few. Which means, that all of the whole wheat bread, wheat tortillas, and wheat flour I've been buying and using for years thinking I was helping ~ really could have been making things worse for Luke. Casein is a protein found in milk ~ more specifically anything juiced from an animal. Including breast milk!! Luke had colic when he was born. Serious colic. Tried everything for months and months while breast feeding. Bottles and bottle of that Gas X stuff for babies. Until he was around 6 months old. I always believed breast milk was best because doesn't your body make it just for your screaming bundle of joy? But, I switched him to the colic soy formula to see if it would help. His colic decreased from all day everyday to about 2-3 hours in the evening for a few months until it disappeared at 9 months. Yes, I realize that it could be that Luke grew out it. But, what if he was allergic to my breast milk?? What if?


So, there is enough symptoms that I'm taking this path. At least for 3 months because it could take that long for everything to get out of his system. I'm going to get blood work done on Luke to see where his levels are. (yeah, that's going to be a bad day!) We are going to be trying this together as a family. Yeah, I'm going to have to tweak some recipes. And discover a few new ones. I'm still discovering pointers and facts about how to follow the GFCF diet. (Like Lactose free is not casein free...lactose is milk sugar but it's still from animal products.) So, I bought our first carton of rice 'milk' and we are beginning this journey...

Did you know?

The Center for Disease Control stated in 2008 that 1 in 150 children in United States were diagnosed with autism. (four out of five patients are boys in case you were wondering) However, when the CDC look at children diagnosed with other disorders on the autism spectrum, such as ADD, PDD-NOS, Asperger's, ect., the number of children went to 1 in 6.

One in six children.

Out of a class of 30, statistically five are likely to have an autism related disorder.

That is not the only thing to think about. In the 20 years from 1975 to 1995, cancer rates for children rose by 20%, most rapid rates for children under 13 years old. A study also found that asthma among preschool children aged 3 - 5 years old rose by 160% from 1980 - 1994.


That scares me. It really opened my eyes to think about what's really causing all this? I was living in the 80's. It doesn't seem like that long ago. Yet, look at how things have changed. I have a child that is one of the statistics. And actually at that time, he was one of the many children out there without a diagnosis. And with the books I've read and the searches I've done, several doctors talk about autism being a psychiatric disorder. Give the child some therapy and hope for the best. A few books describe it as a medical illness. No quick fix available, but the earlier the diagnosis the better. Evidence over the past 30 years is starting to suggest autism may involve imflamation of the central nervous system. (AutismSpeaks.org) I know from experience that therapy does help. Luke's been in speech and occupational therapy since he was 4 years old. This last school year, he 'graduated' out of OT, which is such a big deal. But, I'm looking for more. I want more for my son. He wants a 'normal' life. And ~ I want that for him.

But, looking at the number of illnesses taking place in our children ~ something is wrong today. Generations are not living longer. Children are sick. I don't have the answers. I am just one of the many parents who are searching...