I'll lend you for a little while, a child of mine, God said
For you to love her while she lives, and mourn for when she's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or forty-two or three;
But will you, till I call her back, take good care of her for me?
I'll bring her charms to gladden you, and should her stay be brief,
You'll have the lovely memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay, since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught below I want this child to learn.
I've searched the whole world over, for teacher's kind and true;
And from the things crowd life's way, I have chosen you.
Now will you give her all your love? Nor think the labor vain?
Nor hate me should the angels call, to take this child back again?
To which the parents did reply, Dear Lord, Thy will be done.
For all the joys thy child will bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter her with tenderness, we'll love her while we may.
For all the love this child will bring, forever grateful we will stay.
But should thy angels call for her, much sooner than we planned,
This is one of those poems that has been around a while. I've read it years ago, before I had my own children. It made me sad for a moment but it didn't effect me. It wasn't personal. Yesterday, I ran across it again and it made me stop...and think. I have a friend who is so strong. She has to be for God to give her so much. She has lost not one, but two children. Not far apart from each other. Yes, she got to see her children grow into teens and starting to become their own person. But ~ that is where their journey ended. I can't put myself in her spot. I haven't been there. I was there through her grief with her daughter. I saw so much strength, even in her tears.
I hope that I never have to say 'I've been there' for that lesson on earth. I pray that it's not in God's plans for me. However, in between Luke and Faith, I had a miscarriage. I was going to doctor's appointments once a month. I was actually feeling good, which was not normal for me. I wasn't throwing everything up. I craved soup. Blood pressure was normal. I just knew it was a girl. My pregnancy was so different then when I had the boys. I was buying purple teddy bears and blankets. Pink outfits. That's how sure it was a girl. Her name was going to be Destiny. Then, came the appointment. I guess it was the 4th month because I was going to schedule my ultrasound for the next month. And, then the one thing you never want to happen ~ there was not a heartbeat. They sent me to the emergency room to have their machines do an ultrasound. Silence...
The only noise in the room was my sobs. How many times can you cry "NO!" and still feel like your not being heard?? Since I was so far along, they wanted to do a D & C. They told me that the baby's too big. Here I go again with the "NO!" I remember telling them that if God wanted this baby back, then He has to do it. Not me. Not you. So, they scheduled it for 4 weeks later and if I didn't have it by then, they would have to do the D & C to prevent infection. So, I went to the pharmacy and filled my pain pills and went home. I lived in denial. That's how I coped. Doctor's have been wrong before. This couldn't be happening. I'd sit in the nursery after the boys went to bed and rock in the rocking chair and cover myself with her lavender blanket. And cry...
Weeks progressed with nothing. I became more sure that the doctor's were wrong. Nothing is going to happen. I talked with God all the time. Pleaded with God. Cried. Begged. But, His plans are not our own. The night before I had to go into the hospital, my water broke all over the kitchen after the boys were in bed. The first and only time my water broke naturally. I don't know how many pain pills I took because they didn't help at all. It was like taking an aspirin when you need a midol. So much pain.. physically...mentally. But ~ God knew I didn't want to have the D&C done. He knew I'd always doubt and wonder if I had it done. So, the next morning, instead of going in for the procedure, I just got checked over and made an appointment for next year. Now, I am one of the statistics. I can say 'I understand' and 'I've been there' to women who's had a miscarriage.
It was a long hard year. No one knows what to say when you have a miscarriage. It was a year of faith. A year of believing there's a reason, even when I cannot see. I sat in the nursery in the evenings praying for my little girl back. I remember telling God that there are a lot of souls up there but I wanted that one little girl. The one that I lost. The one that is meant to be with me in this life. The next year, I kept my appointment for my yearly woman's appointment. And the doctor came in and told me that I was pregnant! I was in a bit of shock. I went home that day and I pulled out the pill bottle in the medicine cabinet. It was the exact same day I refilled the pain meds a year earlier. The same day there wasn't a heartbeat ~ a year later, there was a new life. God is good! Guess what? I was craving soup again. But, instead of her being my Destiny ~ she is Faith.
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