Journey With Jen

 I got asked about those other moments.  The ones you have to process through when the word Cancer gets connected to you.  My friend wanted to make sure that I'm processing everything and don't burst later.  I assured them that I am not ignoring those times.  Those hard moments are still there.  It's nothing I can choose to put it off to the side.  The "Why Me?" question pops sometimes up when I'm thinking too hard about it.  I think of everything that's happened in my life and I wonder why?  But I can answer that question pretty easily.  Why not me?  There have been far greater people who has gone through worse. Not to minimalize what I've gone through --  from childhood abuse to holding everything together for many years as my husband got worse and passed.  There is a lot of crap in my forty something years. But I am not any better than the next person, so why not me? But the "what if" question -- now that gets to me....

In 2022, my word for the year was Breathe.  It was a hard couple years watching Kent's decline.  I needed a year to just Be...To stop...To rest... To mentally adjust to everything that I had gone though.   And figure out what a new normal might look like.  Last year my word was Wellness.  It was way past time to take care of me.  Walking a few more steps and eating a few more vegetables.  Add in a few doctor appointments.   This year, my word is Trust.  You see some of those doctor's appointments, didn't go as planned.  In October, I finally went to the doctor for some pain I was having in my lower abdomen.  Doctor said it must be an abdominal hernia.  No big deal.  Easy-Peasy surgery and I'll be good to go.  I was sent for a CT scan to confirm.  I really was not worried.  Doctor was confident that was the issue. Until that wasn't the issue.  It's never a good thing when doctor says they need ...

 Four years since I last wrote.  Seems like a lifetime ago.  I wonder --- Does anyone even read or write blogs anymore?  I don't know, but here I go.  My life has changed so much.... Many times I wanted to write.  I would log in and want to share to everything I was going through.  To work through it with God's word in one hand and my computer in the other.  It's therapy for me in a lot of ways.  However, I just never felt like I could.  When your life is so connected to some one else, by telling my story, I would be telling theirs.  I didn't feel like I could or should.  Someday, I'll revisit the last few years.    Because although there is great sadness, there is also hope. There are God's fingerprints in my life.  For I know that it is not by my strength that I have made it this far.  It is by His mercy and for His purpose.  By telling my story, I can pray that it reaches some one that needs to hear ...

Life does not always end up as planned.... well,at least our plan. And, since we cannot see God's plan, we hang on, pray, and trust.  Sounds all nice and pretty, doesn't it?  Something to hang on the wall.  Tie a big ribbon on it.  Something found in a Bible store.  Or a well meaning friend might say. But, when you are in the middle of life's mess, it's hard.  Sometimes there is no relief in sight.  Sometimes it is months of silent tears.  Prayers with no answers yet.  Day by day, you hang on knowing that God has got you through hard stuff before.  Wondering why your prayers can't be answered now....today. We all have these valleys.  This life is full of a lot of...well, crap.  Miscarriage.  Infertility. Abuse.   Death.  Job Loss.  Divorce.  Plus, so much more.  This world that we live in is not easy.  Hopefully there are many years in between the valleys.  And lots of wonderful mem...

Some days it is easy to find the blessings around you.  Those days where you feel your bucket overfilling spilling over.  When you just glow with happiness. You turn on the radio and it's that song you love that you haven't heard in a while.  Those days when your kids remember to say, "thank you" or "love you Momma." Those days were your gas tank isn't low and the roads are long. Then, there are the other days..... The days when the stupid alarm won't let you sleep and it's only 5:30.  Or the other days when it some how lets you sleep and you only have 30 minutes to get everyone up and be at work.  Those days when no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to do anything right... and there are plenty of people to let you know about it.  Those days where you end the day not physically tired, but emotionally drained.  done. exhausted. The white flag is now raised, I give up.  Please leave me alone.  Let me curl up in a ball so no one can se...

It's all about perspective... I'm learning that lately.  Your perspective can change your attitude for the better or worse.  It can make your day longer than it needs to be.  For example, I hate going grocery shopping.  Seriously, I've even waited until we even ate most of our canned good.  Fridge was empty besides condiments.  Yeah, it was bad!  Dinners were let me say... creative! :D  Yet, God can change my perspective.  After a tight week here and there, I leave the grocery store thanking God for the food He has provided. Amazing difference, isn't it?  Even my home is still not finished after 2 years.  Yes, I'd love to get new floors or have my bathrooms completely finished.  (our home is a fixer upper!)  Yet, I thank God every night for the gift of a home for my family.  I know what it is like to be in between places to live.  I know what it is like to move your family and while moving in, they reality co...

This is supposed to be spring break.  We're only getting 3 days off because of all the snow, but I'll take it.  It's to the point when we all need a break, even if it is cut short.  The school year is almost done.  Which is kinda hard for me to believe.  Wasn't it just Thanksgiving not that long ago?  Anyways --  Luke's teachers have had him all year.  The year is almost over.  They should know a little bit about his IEP. (even if it took half a year to figure out he had one!)   They should have some idea what he can do and what he cannot do.  But apparently not. Not a recent picture, of course :)  Luke and big brother, Joey Luke's civics teacher has handed him a blank world map and expected him to use the word bank of 55 countries and fill it in.  Seriously.  Ummm.... every hear of a memory disorder??   It's clearly stated that he has one.  It's clearly stated that his assignments be reasonable. ...

So easy to talk about.  Kinda' can become generic almost.  But, there comes a time when talking about it should be moved into doing.  With the doing comes trusting the Lord to guide you.  That's were I am right now.  Trusting the Lord to guide my steps now that I have taken those steps forward. I have been helping out in a little kids Sunday school class.  But, God has been working on my heart for the older kids since January.  The ones that are currently struggling through middle school and junior high.  There is so much pressure on that age group.  School...Friends...Bullies...even Family.  I just love those kids.  Although, the call to work with that age group has never been there before.  I figured all of those positions were taken so I didn't need to worry.  It's all taken care of, right? So, I did try to ignore God's nudges a bit.  Really.  Just being honest.  I was looking into other options, ma...

"Fear not, for I am with you;   be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,   I will uphold you with my  righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:20 "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you."   Deuteronomy 31:6 "You will forget your misery;   you will remember it as waters that  have passed away.    And your life will be brighter than the noonday; its darkness will be like the morning.    And you will feel secure,  because there is hope;   you will look around and take your rest in  security."  Job 11:16-18 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord , plans for w elfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.   Then you  will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You  will seek me ...

One never knows how news will affect us.  For my own family, it was just another Tuesday.  Another day at work.  Another day at school.  For friends of ours, it was a day changed their lives.  Friends of ours found out that their beautiful baby they are expecting next month has a rare disorder. The survival rate is low.  I know that God can work a miracle and heal her.  Times like these it is hard to say "Your will be done" when deep inside you just want everything to be alright. I cried all afternoon.  Cries from one mother for another mother intended for God's ears alone.  This news took me back to another day about twelve years ago.  A day that our own lives changed.  It was a normal check up.  My pregnancy was going great.  After being so sick for all nine months with the boys, I finally had a glow with a pregnancy.  :)  I had some cute little dresses ready.  A soft, lavender blanket just waiting fo...

I've learned that when ask God, "where are you leading me?"   ....that He'll actually answer. When you tell God to "use me, use my family for Your purpose" ....that He will. Sometimes, I am just not ready for the answer. Those statements have been my prayer for a few months now.  I want more more us than running on that hamster wheel never getting anything done.  I realize that my oldest son will be 16 this year.  Did you read that?? 16!!!  I only have a few more years with him.  I want to instill so much before they go off on their own.  Yet, often times I am tired from the rat race of life.  Do I really have enough energy to add more to my plate?? I know that if God leads me there, that He will equip me for it.  That includes the energy to get it done, right??   Our church is in an exciting time of change.  Change for the good.  The breaking away of tradition just because of tradition.  And looki...

Where are you emotionally right now?  Are things finally coming together and your feeling confident?  Are you in that middle ground of just waiting?  Or are things just becoming overwhelming and you don't know what do to do?  Do tears fall easily even when you put on the happy face for others? Our prayer list grows at church.  So many people in pain.  So much cancer and disease taking our loved ones home.  Accidents that happen which change lives.  This world is full of pain.  I am thankful for the words of comfort that our Lord gives us.  "I sought the Lord , and He answered me   and delivered me from all my fears."  Psalm 34:4 Fear.   One of those four letter words that can keep you up at night.  When a situation hits you in the face, fear can grab your heart.  Fear for yourself.  Fear for others.  Fear of the unknown.    But, when you hit knees and cry out to God ~ He takes a...

As I look through other blogs I read, the message seems to be just accepting yourself.  Which is one of the hardest things to do ~ especially as a woman!  Compare my life to others and it seems so ... dull, maybe? boring?  I'm just a curvy (another way to put that I need to lose a few! LOL) middle age  (...oh, my gosh did I really write that?? should I erase it?? no..no, just leave it) mother of three trying to be a loving mom, aunt, friend, daughter in a world filled with anger and hate.  I look at other mothers who seem to have it all going for them.  It's easy to start to feel hard on myself.  But there are certain things as I've gotten older that I have come to accept.  Yes, there will always be other women prettier than I am.  I will never be a Reese Witherspoon or Julia Roberts.  God only made one of them ~ just as He only made one of me.  Yes, there will always be other women who seem to have it all together.  I've l...

"As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of  God chosen and precious,  you yourselves like living stones are being  built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual  sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ." ~ 1 Peter 2:4-5 Isn't that beautiful?  I just keep reading it again and again.  " A living stone rejected by men ."  Discared by men.  Useless to men.  Refused by man.  Yet, in the sight of God , we are precious .   We have great value.  We are dear and beloved.  But not only precious, but chosen .  We are selected and  preferred. God chose to reside in us.  He is not in the church or temple walls.  I'm not saying God's not at your church.  But it is so much more!  God is there when we wake up in the morning walking with us while we get up and get ready.  He is there while we are drivi...

"Walk in wisdom toward   outsiders, making  the best  use of the time. Let your speech  always be gracious, seasoned with salt,   so that you may   know   how you  ought  to answer each person." Colossians 4:5-6 It is time to be involved.  Don't just shake your head and say 'Amen' on Sunday.  Be involved on the movement of Christ.  As my pastor says, be dispensers not containers.  Isn't that a great way to put it?  Don't just take everything you learn and not share it.  Feed your soul with good and righteous things ~ then go and feed others. The first part of that is SO important.  We must feed our souls.  We must listen, read, study, and learn.  If there is a service, then you should be there.  Not just a warm body...but an open soul ready to receive!  Open up your Bible besides on Sunday and Wednesday.   Music ~ singing praises to our Lor...

"May all who seek you;  rejoice and be glad in you! May those who love your salvation  say evermore, 'God is great!' But I am poor and needy;  hasten to me, O God! You are my help and my deliverer; O Lord , do not delay!" Psalm 70:4-5 I believe that we have all been in David's shoes.  We have all said something similar. Lord, please hear me! Lord, be quick! There is so much pain and sorrow in this world.  Our prayer sheet is filled with cancer.  Prayers for the lost souls ~ especially our own family members.  Prayers for our kids to stay strong in this world.  Our prayers become pleas on our hearts.  Burdens that we take to the Lord.                To Hear Us...                               ...

God can use us even while we are kicking and screaming.  God can even use us when we are trying to be selfish.  God can take the (often times) little bit we are willing to give ~ and multiply it.  He takes what He is given and transforms it into something beautiful. It doesn't always happen that way.  There are times when I try (and I feel that I am) a cheerful giver.  Times when I put others before me.  Times when my heart is open and I am willing and ready to serve.  Those moments can be such a blessing to myself as well as others.  But some of those moments...well, they don't always turn out so well. Sometimes those moments are taken wrong.  It's like  I started with fresh, clear water (good intentions)...then ended up in a mud bath! ;D  I realize that God's trying to tell me something. You see ~ those moments when I am willing and ready, that is how I should be all of the time.  I shouldn't have to get mys...

I'm linking up today with Gypsymama .  To write unscripted for 5 minutes.  No editing or making things sound politically correct.  Just writing from the heart.  This week word is: BRAVE When I think of the word brave, my mind goes to superheros. (What can I say, I have two boys) My favorite would be Batman. No, it's not because they are usually portrayed as some one really good looking and rich. But, as I have grown older, I do appreciate that! ;D It is because Batman is smart. He uses his brain. He wasn't born with any powers. Nor was he bitten and attained powers. Batman used his brain (or Alfred's) and created things to defeat the evil. I realize that superheros are not the only brave ones out there. There are real brave people in the world today. Brave as they fight cancer. Brave as they face losing a child. Brave as they face divorce. Brave as they bury their parents. These are the wonderful souls God has put into our lives to show bravery...

About 3-4 years old Almost 13.  Looks same but bigger. Isn't it amazing? Tonight was Luke's baptism. He wanted to get baptized on his birthday. He told me that it would be a new beginning...a new birth. Yes, seriously, my almost 13 year old was telling me this. Isn't that awesome? :) Unfortunately, Luke's birthday falls on a Tuesday this year. So, he picked to have it on his Dad and Uncle's birthday. I'm know that God has a special plan for Luke. There have been many struggles through the past 13 years. He has so much that could hold him back. So many things that are considered weak in this world. Learning disabilities. Autism. Asthma. Heart Murmur. Feet problems. So many doctors and therapists. So much that Luke has to deal with everyday just to function. But, everyday through my own circumstances, I find this to be true: "For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults,  hardships, persecutions, and cal...

"Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually! Remember the wondrous works that he has done, his miracles..." Psalm 105:4-5 The Bible is full of Miracles everywhere. There are healings, feeding people, and the Red Sea to name a few. But, today, in this world...what do we have? Cancer. Famine. Heart Disease. Autism. Alzheimer's. Stroke. And that's just the beginning. Each of us are touched by this in some way. Heartache is everywhere. This world is so far from the Garden on Eden. It is very easy to miss the miracles that God sends our way now...each day. Little pieces of encouragement to keep us going. Sunrises and sunsets. Sweet kisses. Laundry being done. We need to remember, though, not to limit God. God can still do the big stuff. God is still a healing God. (can I get an AMEN!) God can still take the rain in our life and create a rainbow. God can take little ol' you and me and make us the image of God. Yes, Big Stuff. So many things do not ha...