Going Through the What If's

 I got asked about those other moments.  The ones you have to process through when the word Cancer gets connected to you.  My friend wanted to make sure that I'm processing everything and don't burst later.  I assured them that I am not ignoring those times.  Those hard moments are still there.  It's nothing I can choose to put it off to the side.  The "Why Me?" question pops sometimes up when I'm thinking too hard about it.  I think of everything that's happened in my life and I wonder why?  But I can answer that question pretty easily.  Why not me?  There have been far greater people who has gone through worse. Not to minimalize what I've gone through --  from childhood abuse to holding everything together for many years as my husband got worse and passed.  There is a lot of crap in my forty something years. But I am not any better than the next person, so why not me?

But the "what if" question -- now that gets to me.  I want to see my kids happily married.  Successful in what they choose. A few grandkids would be great as well.  I want to be there for those moments.  I want to be there for the that phone call when they still need Mom's advise.  I want to be there for all those moments in between. But, what if  -- those are just My wants?  Not God's plans?  What if God's idea of healing me isn't the same as mine?

As I was putting away the Christmas tree, I wondered if I would be able to do it again next Christmas.  What if I'm not there to yell at Briggs from the sidelines of his first soccer game?  What if I never get to take another vacation with all three of my kids again?  What if the cancer comes back?  Or what if when they take out the cancer - one of those cells land on another organ?  One that cannot be taken out?  Those "what if's" tend to multiply.  The "what if's" just sink my heart.  Make me lose hope. All of the "what if's" reach deep in my heart and squeeze the tears. Leaving me drained and scared.

  

That's when I just a deep breath and cry to God to just calm my heart and my mind.  Lord I just ask for your peace.  A peace that doesn't make sense with everything going around me.  God is Hope and Peace and Love.  All those thoughts that can bring me to my knees -- that is chaos and it does not come from Him.  

Even if -- that's what I'm hanging on to.  It comes from Daniel 3, three guys named Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were being held captive.  The king that held them wanted the 3 of them to bow down and worship the king's god.  The king threatened their lives if they didn't listen.  The three told the King that God could save them but EVEN IF,  He didn't -- they still would not bow down.  Even if they had to die that day  -- they would rather go through it with God.  That's where I'm at once again.   I don't know God's plan is for my life.  I don't know why I am at this point.  I don't know what is going to happen.  I just know that I would not make it without Him. I know that Even if I have go down this path I do not want, I would rather go through it with God.  And those three guys in Daniel -- when you looked in the furnace they were thrown in -- there where 4 walking around unharmed.  Because God does not leave His children during the hard stuff.  He is there with us…. Even If.