Journey With Jen

 Well, just me. Little update on things. I was on the Methotrexate for 4 weeks and it didn't help with pain or inflammation at all.  It did cause some hair to come out, for the hair that I do have to dry out, and for total exhaustion throughout my body.  It really was a great 4 weeks!  (just kidding!)  My last dose was just a few days ago so I'll be glad when it is out of my system. Apparently it must help most people because they were really surprised when I had absolutely nothing positive to say about the last 4 weeks.  My knee swelled so much I could not squat.  My hands had sharp pain several times this month.  Hips hurt constantly not just when I'm trying to sleep.  And my feet are still swelling.  So really - nothing positive to say.  😂 So, they drew blood and are now doing a pharmacogenetics test.   Besides the physical part of it all - I am really missing being me.  I want to be outdoors.  Go on a hike. ...

 It is July now.  And still trying to get this figured out.  When I spoke to my doctor about seeing a rheumatologist, I was told that the wait to get in was around a year and a half.  Seriously!  And that is if they look at your file and accept you.  So, my primary doctor ran a few test that the rheumatology clinic require before they will accept you.  Those numbers did not turn out bad enough.  I got messaged through my Mercy app the results and that was it.  End of the line despite the fact that my feet swell, joints in my hands are crooked, and I sleep with ice packs. And, every 6 weeks the foot doctor wants to see me even though, he can't do anything to fix it.  The only option they have suggested is wearing my compression socks, tennis shoes, and maybe adding an orthotic to keep my foot from moving so much.  That sounds miserable to me. I was wearing my Chaco's everyday just a few months ago!   I told them that I woul...

 October of last year was when it all began.  I'd been having some pain for a few months and finally decided to get it check out.  Doctor figured it was a hernia and sent me to a CT scan to confirm.  Then, I got my list of diagnosis.  And a new set of doctors.  It has been hard.  After three surgeries in an 8 month span -- my body is still healing.  The first four weeks of summer break, I did nothing.  I slept a lot.  I kept thinking that I need to get up and start my summer projects.  But, I was just exhausted.  The "want to" was not there.  The second month, I slowly started feeling more like myself. I have started walking again.  Not everyday yet, but it's getting there.  I know that sitting there is not going to help my energy levels or my healing overall.  But somedays, the tired wins.  I have one more thing scheduled this year.  A colonoscopy is planned for November.  Praying nothing is ...

 It's been 10 days since my hysterectomy.  The pain hasn't been that bad.  After kidney surgery, this pain feels like a breeze!  Except for one thing.  Last week, I was totally exhausted.  I would take my heavy pain pill in the evening.  Then, wake up hurting because it has been so long, take more meds and then a morning nap.  Awake for a few hours, then an afternoon nap.  Then, sadly, usually one more nap before bed.  And that was without my heavy pills during the day.  My body is just tired.  I was given meds for spasms and didn't use them at all last week.  But those have started this week.    I don't necessarily think the exhaustion has to do with this surgery.  I believe that having 3 surgeries in 8 months is finally taking it's toll.  And interesting little tidbit that I found. On average, abdominal surgery takes 2 years to recover microscopely, although a majority of the healing happens in the fi...

Thinking about what's coming ahead does tend to make me nervous.  The unknowns.  The what ifs.  All of the pieces that have to come together.  Insurance...time off...recovery time...It really was SO much easier when I was on the other side of the hospital bed.  I have always been the one on in the waiting chair beside the bed. It was always my job to worry about all of that and figure out how to pay the bills.  Now, I have to worry about that AND be in the hospital bed.  I keep praying for God to work out all of the details.  For His hands to be in everything -- All of the details.   I can then let it go...for a while.  But the worry comes creeping back in. The mind keeps going down every rabbit hole.  I have an EKG and heart scans coming up before surgery.  What if they find something?  The first CT scan I went in for was supposed to confirm a hernia.  Instead she called me and told me I needed to come in that d...

It is very telling when I log into my blog that I've always enjoyed writing and the last blog I actually posted was in 2018.  On my list there are three posts that I started to write in 2019, but I never finished... never posted.  Three posts with the same message of confusion.  Three pleas for God's help.  Three posts wondering why life has to be like this. Three posts wishing things were different. But guess what?  It's a new year.  My circumstances haven't changed. The same baggage that I just couldn't even bring myself to finish writing about is still here. However,  I have changed.  Not going to lie and say it's something dramatic like a butterfly emerging from it's cocoon.  This "butterfly" here is defiantly more moth like.  And honestly, I think I might still be in the cocoon.  Who knows?    What ever it is, I have finally realized something.  That no matter how bad the circumstances are... you still need ...

Today is my favorite holiday.  The weather is usually perfect.  The fall leaves are beautiful.  A day to stop in our busy life and just be thankful.  It is a holiday to be surrounded by the family you love, but don't always see.  It's not about gifts, like so much of Christmas is.  It is about coming together to see cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and even friends.  To come together, enjoy a good meal, play a few games, tell lots of stories, and make memories to last.  This year, it is a little different for us.  We lost G.G. in August of this year.  She lived a long long wonderful life filled with those she loved.  Those memories of her stay with us long after she is gone.  Memories of frisbee, dominoes, and skip-bo.  Memories of "just a little piece" of pie.  (which we proceeded to give her a big slice and she ate it all)  Memories of Thanksgiving with 30+ family members gathered in one place.  I...

One of the facts of my life right now:  my kids are big.  That does come with some perks.  No fighting over what clothes to wear...most of the time.  No more Bob the Builder (Luke), Dora the Explorer(Faith), or Bear in the Big Blue House(Joey) playing loudly through the house.  Although, I didn't mind watching Sponge Bob.  There isn't anymore getting frantically shook at 5 am on Christmas morning.  Nor is there playing at the park and pushing swings.  okay....that seriously went to sad and depressing.  :( It is a part life that I am slowly accepting.  The good and the bad.  As my kids grow and change, it also changes me.  When my kids were small, teenagers seemed like they were from another planet and that stage of life really intimidated me.  I am on my third teenager now and I am like "bring it!"  Okay -- not everyday.  But there are some days I can say that!! :D  And being around 10 or more teenagers...

What is it snow days that makes me so happy? It's not just because it's a day off.  If I needed one that badly, I could just take one of my personal days. I think it is because it's different.  The world kind of stops for a moment.  I don't have to get up and head some where.  I  get a day AT HOME with my kids.  I love it! It's 9 am and I am still in my pajamas.  Which doesn't happen any day of the week!  Saturdays and Sundays are too busy for that.  A pot of soup will soon be on my stove.  I sit under blanket with my laptop open with fur babies resting beside me.  Life is good.  And I just take a moment to say Thank You Lord for truly a day of rest. Yes, I will finish my laundry up today.  And dishes will get dirty and washed.  A precious little girl's birthday present will get finished today.  But today will also include some home made spinach dip while we play board games.  A glass of hot chocolate ...

I must be getting old.  I admit it now.  (Tomorrow I might be in denial, so take it moment by moment people! LOL)  I've been looking around at social media this week and looking at everyone's vacation photos --  New York, California, Colorado, ect. ..... beautiful pictures that look like fun.  We have been home.  And.. it is right where I want to be.  I don't take it for granted like I used to. We've been working on the home that God has blessed us with.  Yes, the kids would rather be some where else then having mom tell them to get their work clothes on.  But, what a blessing the past few days have been. Digging in the dirt and playing with the worms.  A friend gave me some lilies to add to my collection up front.  So the front is almost full! :)  In the back flowerbed, I'll be replanting some of the plants Ms. Myrtle left me that have been struggling to survive for several years.  The ornamental grass and the cannas ar...

"I give you thanks, O Lord , with my whole heart;    before the gods I sing  your praise;    I bow down toward your holy temple  and give thanks to your  name for your steadfast love and your faithfulness..."  Psalm 138:1-2 I have been feeling very thankful lately.  That is not a bad thing.  It is a great mindset that can improve your day instantly.  :)  I have been looking back over the past year and seeing how much God has blessed us and I am humbled.  God is SO good.  We just need to take a moment and acknowledge it.  Sing His praises because He is worthy! I look at my kids and feel so much love and purpose.  Are they perfect?  uhh...no!  But, none of us are.  I feel so blessed that God has given me these children to care for and protect.  What an honor to be a Mother.  So many women long for that, and I have three. I don't take that for granted.  He protected me and...

It is the Easter season once again.  Hard to believe it is only a couple days away.   Usually I am decorating with spring colors by now.  Thinking of Easter clothes or spring pictures.  Filling colorful eggs with chocolate and gummies.  This year my heart is heavy with the burdens of the world. So many people are struggling with cancer.  Mothers and Fathers will soon be saying their good-byes to their children and grandchildren.  It is so difficult to lose a parent, no matter how old we are.  Kent and I keep thinking about our Grandma as well.  She is in her 90's and fading faster it seems.  Last year, our aunt heard her talking to Jesus in her room.  She told Him that Easter would be a good time because, after all, You died for us.  (gave us the hint who she's talking too!)  Now, with Easter among us, we keep going back to that conversation.  We keep wondering if it will happen soon.  I saw her on my birthda...

My oldest, Joey, found a t-shirt at Target last weekend.  He really wanted it.  The shirt said, "may your life be as awesome as you pretend on Facebook."  Why is it that we naturally feel like we have to hide everything?  Or put up another front so no one can see inside. We all do the clean up before anyone comes over.  Read that again so you don't feel alone.  Do you realize that we ALL do that?  My life is not perfect by any means.  My house seems to always have a room in the demolition phase.  We have been here since August and I still have not even painted my living room so I can put pictures up.  (we did gut and put back together the kitchen, so I have been busy)  So, often, I feel like my life is a mess!  Yet, I try to hide it.  I sweep and mop, and vacuum the living room hoping you don't notice the stain from when my dog ate a bag of Sweetheart candies and puked.  Clean laundry gets put up just moments befo...

It really is true how time flies.  My little six pound baby girl turned 11 this week.  My baby is no longer a baby.  :(   She is in her last year of elementary school, actually she only has about 4 months left.  Faith is ready.  (momma not so much)  She has always been ready to grow up. She refused to nurse between 9 - 10 months.  She would only drink from a sippy cup.  I remember how I wasn't ready.  I wanted those last few months.  Faith was even walking before 12 months.  At her 1 year birthday party, she was walking between everyone like it was no big deal.  Even when she went to kindergarten, she didn't want me to walk her in.  (I did, of course, crying like all the other mother's walking out the door.)  The thought of middle school doesn't make her nervous at all.  She is  ready.  Faith is always ready to grow up before I  am ready to let go. I've read all of those parenting b...

Before church on Wednesday, we stopped at Wendy's.  While I was in line waiting, I looked around and notice some people in front of me with Special Olympics backpacks on.  I look behind to figure out where my children were and make sure they were not doing anything.  I see a few older children that are participants.  My heart just breaks for not only the children but the families represented there.  I know that God has a plan for each and every one of us.  It's just hard to remember that some times. So, the Special Olympics group were ordering large quantities and we needed to go.  The wait was too long unless we wanted to be late to church.  We get into the car and my oldest is in the front says something like, "I'm glad we left.  I don't know what to do around special kids."  (He loves old people and kids just nervous around special needs kids.)  I trying not to cry while driving because special needs children tend to get me emo...

Wow!  This month is almost over!  It has been a very easy task of being thankful for just one thing each day.  Imagine how this could change our attitudes if we did this each month!  How could we be sad or angry, when we realize how much we have to be thankful for?  I look around and there are numerous people and things that I have not named.  A warm house to come home to.           A pot of soup waiting in the crock pot.                     Christmas lights shinning in the evening.                                Homemade blankets to cuddle on the couch with.                  ...

I Day 24:  I am thankful for little get aways that break up the work we've been doing on the house!  We got to escape to Branson on Friday and Saturday.  Yes, that's Black Friday.  Yes, I did a little shopping. :)  But, even for a little shopping, I still had to cruise the parking lots just for some one to leave and pull out so I could get a spot!  Shopping is NOT my favorite thing.  So many times I questioned myself on why we are here again! But, we got a room at the Grand Country Inn.  Which to those of you not around here ~ they have indoor water slides for the kids.  Kids loved it.  They played all Friday afternoon while my mom and I ran around the stores.  It was great to just get away for a couple days. Day 25:  Today I am thankful this beautiful weather we're having.  This fall I was unable to get out and enjoy it as usual.  We've been so busy with the kitchen that the fall leaves came and went witho...

Day 19:  My day just wouldn't be the same without Christian radio like KLRC.  I am thankful that there are stations and artists that put me in the right frame of mind.   They remind me as I am driving or at home that God's with me where ever I am.  Their message has to the power to speak to me even when my mind might be going 100 miles an hour on something else.  It blesses me to hear my daughter singing in the back of the car.  Or my son ask me to turn it up.  So thankful. Day 20:  I am thankful for my brother-in-law, Brent.  In February, it will be 16 years I've been married.  Through the years, Brent has become truly like a brother to me.  Being a family is not held together by blood relation.  Family are people held together by memories, times spent together, and love.  My Dad would always speak of Uncle Howard as his brother.  (Although Howard was his brother-in-law.)  I am lucky enough to have that...

I've been blessed with so much.  Of course, I had to mention the biggies like my kids, hubby, and home.  But there are those 'other' things that just make life a bit easier!  So, for this grouping, I am shifting gears! :) Day 12: What a blessing a dishwasher is!  Ok, now since we've moved in our new home in August, we have not had a working dishwasher.   How I miss the days of one kid-o would empty the dishwasher, then the other kid-o would fill the dishwasher.  And so the cycle went.  Now, there is a working dishwasher in a box just waiting for a working sink in our kitchen!  It will be so soon, I just know it! :) Day 13:  With a family of 5, having two cars is a big deal.  We have dealt with one car for a while and it was hard.  My husband and I were both tired.  He would get up to take me to work by 7:30.  Then, I would take him to work in the afternoon and pick him up at 11 p.m.  Get up...

Day 7: Today I am thankful for the democratic process.  Gods plan has put me in the United States during a time where women can vote.   It is something that I shouldn't take for granted.  Not that many years ago, women wore clothing that covered them from head to toe.  Not because they liked it, it was because they had no say.  Faces were hidden behind lace veils because their voices where never meant to be heard.  Once the right to vote came about in the 1920's, women's lives changed for the better.  I am blessed to live in a country where we elect our officials.  Whether or not everyone that I voted for becomes elected, I am still thankful for the process and God's hand in it. Day 8:  The things we take for granted, like a place to call home.  We moved into our home in August of this year.  This place has changed so much in 4 months!  We'd been renting and moving for the past couple years.  I...