Down the Rabbit Hole

Thinking about what's coming ahead does tend to make me nervous.  The unknowns.  The what ifs.  All of the pieces that have to come together.  Insurance...time off...recovery time...It really was SO much easier when I was on the other side of the hospital bed.  I have always been the one on in the waiting chair beside the bed. It was always my job to worry about all of that and figure out how to pay the bills.  Now, I have to worry about that AND be in the hospital bed.  I keep praying for God to work out all of the details.  For His hands to be in everything -- All of the details.   I can then let it go...for a while.  But the worry comes creeping back in.

The mind keeps going down every rabbit hole.  I have an EKG and heart scans coming up before surgery.  What if they find something?  The first CT scan I went in for was supposed to confirm a hernia.  Instead she called me and told me I needed to come in that day.  She then literally handed me a post-it note full of things to talk about because she didn't want to miss anything.  I don't know if I could do another post-it note full of bad news.  Honestly, it wouldn't even have to be a list on a post-it. 

 Health things are just stressful and can be scary.  We all know that.  And I have definitely taken my health for granted.  Don't get me wrong -- after being married to Kent with all of his health issues -- my health and my kids' health is something that I thank God for every single night.  And the Lord knows that it's not just something that I'm saying.  I mean it with every fiber of me.  I know that things could be so much worse.  I have watched my husband take medication after medication. Doctor appointment after doctor appointment.  After seeing my husband's health get worse and change the person he was, our health is on my top things I thankful for.  

Yet here I am.  Thanking God every night for the past 10 years or so does not change the place I am in right now. I am still the person that got a list of things wrongs with her in October.  I am still the person that was told she has cancer right before Thanksgiving.  And to be honest -- it has not changed me thanking God for our health every night either.  I am so thankful that God let the doctors find it while it's small and has not spread.  Praise God!

 But here I am  --  I am nervous for all of the details to work out. Bills, insurance, and so many days off. So much is out of my hands.  And the things I do have control over - I'm scared I messed them up.  When my mind goes down that rabbit hole, my stomach ends up in knots.  So I pray.  What else can I do?  I stress and I worry.  At times I can make myself sick.  I know those moments didn't accomplish anything.  But the mind still goes there.  So I pray.  He has brought me this far.  I wish I could just leave it at His feet and not go back there again.  But my mind will come back to those thoughts and worries.  Though the good stuff, bad stuff, and all the in-betweens - I pray.