Journey With Jen

 Well, just me. Little update on things. I was on the Methotrexate for 4 weeks and it didn't help with pain or inflammation at all.  It did cause some hair to come out, for the hair that I do have to dry out, and for total exhaustion throughout my body.  It really was a great 4 weeks!  (just kidding!)  My last dose was just a few days ago so I'll be glad when it is out of my system. Apparently it must help most people because they were really surprised when I had absolutely nothing positive to say about the last 4 weeks.  My knee swelled so much I could not squat.  My hands had sharp pain several times this month.  Hips hurt constantly not just when I'm trying to sleep.  And my feet are still swelling.  So really - nothing positive to say.  😂 So, they drew blood and are now doing a pharmacogenetics test.   Besides the physical part of it all - I am really missing being me.  I want to be outdoors.  Go on a hike. ...

 Well, it's been a few months since my last update.  I went back to work after surgery.  A little more exhausted but I made it through the end of the school year.  Thankfully my mammogram and ultrasound were just cysts on both sides.  I went back to my follow up with the urologist.  He gave me news that I was not expecting.  He told me that I need to have lung x-rays every three months this first year.  He said there is a chance that kidney cancer will travel through your blood stream and go into your lungs.  In my mind -- I am thinking he's being extra cautious.  (which I appreciate!) I definitely want to catch things early.  Then, I go home and hit Google.   Yeah  - I know.  Everyone just went "nooooo" but if you were in that position, you would want to know the numbers too.  I only go to actual cancer sites.  However, I was not ready for what I found. In my mind, I was expecting 20%.  Or even as...

 So many times we just take what doctors tell us without questioning.  Or, when we do question, we just accept their answer as gold.  While, I really don't believe that doctors would intentionally lead us astray.  However, I am the best advocate for my kids and myself.  I've always just had to read books, articles, find doctors, and push, push, push for my kids and my husband.  This time - it's all about me.   I am just trying to figure out how some one in the mid-forties gets a cancer that doesn't usually hit some one until their sixties or seventies.   I don't fit any of the kidney cancer criteria.  Is there any connection to my other diagnosis?  What the heck is going on in my gut area??   I know that I can't fully prevent cancer.  One mutated cell going crazy and multiplying is all that it takes.  There have been plenty of health nuts that have gotten cancer.  Marathon runners. Professional athletes...

 I got asked about those other moments.  The ones you have to process through when the word Cancer gets connected to you.  My friend wanted to make sure that I'm processing everything and don't burst later.  I assured them that I am not ignoring those times.  Those hard moments are still there.  It's nothing I can choose to put it off to the side.  The "Why Me?" question pops sometimes up when I'm thinking too hard about it.  I think of everything that's happened in my life and I wonder why?  But I can answer that question pretty easily.  Why not me?  There have been far greater people who has gone through worse. Not to minimalize what I've gone through --  from childhood abuse to holding everything together for many years as my husband got worse and passed.  There is a lot of crap in my forty something years. But I am not any better than the next person, so why not me? But the "what if" question -- now that gets to me....

In 2022, my word for the year was Breathe.  It was a hard couple years watching Kent's decline.  I needed a year to just Be...To stop...To rest... To mentally adjust to everything that I had gone though.   And figure out what a new normal might look like.  Last year my word was Wellness.  It was way past time to take care of me.  Walking a few more steps and eating a few more vegetables.  Add in a few doctor appointments.   This year, my word is Trust.  You see some of those doctor's appointments, didn't go as planned.  In October, I finally went to the doctor for some pain I was having in my lower abdomen.  Doctor said it must be an abdominal hernia.  No big deal.  Easy-Peasy surgery and I'll be good to go.  I was sent for a CT scan to confirm.  I really was not worried.  Doctor was confident that was the issue. Until that wasn't the issue.  It's never a good thing when doctor says they need ...

Life does not always end up as planned.... well,at least our plan. And, since we cannot see God's plan, we hang on, pray, and trust.  Sounds all nice and pretty, doesn't it?  Something to hang on the wall.  Tie a big ribbon on it.  Something found in a Bible store.  Or a well meaning friend might say. But, when you are in the middle of life's mess, it's hard.  Sometimes there is no relief in sight.  Sometimes it is months of silent tears.  Prayers with no answers yet.  Day by day, you hang on knowing that God has got you through hard stuff before.  Wondering why your prayers can't be answered now....today. We all have these valleys.  This life is full of a lot of...well, crap.  Miscarriage.  Infertility. Abuse.   Death.  Job Loss.  Divorce.  Plus, so much more.  This world that we live in is not easy.  Hopefully there are many years in between the valleys.  And lots of wonderful mem...

It has been a long seven months since I've wrote. Here it is almost one in the morning and my heart feels heavy...or is it an empty feeling.  I'm not sure. I have been here before.  The bottom pit looking up.  Crying.  Yelling.  Telling God that I am not strong enough.  I am done.  I can't do it anymore. Please don't think I'm suicidal.  I'm ready for God to meet me here.  Not for me to meet God there.  Big difference!! ;) I am tired.  Emotionally tired and drained.  Life keeps stacking things up right now....between an unemployed husband who's health is rapidly declining, to my crazy mother, and my wonderful father-in-law who isn't eating and shrinking in front of our eyes.  I am trying to hold it all together because that's what Mom's do. But, it's slipping a little. Kids will joke with me and I get my feelings hurt.  Not a good time to read "Me before you," but yeah, I finally did.  Ugly tears we...

Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows.  Sometimes it's just barely making it through the day.  Some days are more like a tornado tearing through your life.  Then there are days when you feel like the rain will never end.  I've learned that we are all books with different covers.  Covers... can hide something you don't want others to see.  Yet, you hope that some one will want to open it up and know what's on the inside. Covers can hide many things.  There is of course, the beauties that are only skin deep.   There are the athletes that seem so confident but struggle with believing in themselves.  There are smart ones that feel like that will fail at everything and then get too scared to try.  There are ones that are will do anything to make some one love them.  There are also the happy ones that cry when no one is looking.  No one's life is picture perfect.  There are moments of perfection to savor and look back on...

Some days it is easy to find the blessings around you.  Those days where you feel your bucket overfilling spilling over.  When you just glow with happiness. You turn on the radio and it's that song you love that you haven't heard in a while.  Those days when your kids remember to say, "thank you" or "love you Momma." Those days were your gas tank isn't low and the roads are long. Then, there are the other days..... The days when the stupid alarm won't let you sleep and it's only 5:30.  Or the other days when it some how lets you sleep and you only have 30 minutes to get everyone up and be at work.  Those days when no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to do anything right... and there are plenty of people to let you know about it.  Those days where you end the day not physically tired, but emotionally drained.  done. exhausted. The white flag is now raised, I give up.  Please leave me alone.  Let me curl up in a ball so no one can se...

"Life with God is not immunity from difficulties, but Peace in difficulties."  --  C.S. Lewis Where would we be without the strength and comfort of God?  I honestly don't understand how the non-believers make it through life.  Our life can be hard at times:  kids, parents, relationships, financial, health...the list can go on and on.  And if this life is all that there is, why keep going? I did not grow up in church or in a family that prayed or even talked about God.  Did they believe in God? I am not sure.  I had friends that went to church but I never had a relationship with God myself.  For me, there was a very distinct line in my life: before God and after.  I grew up with abuse in my home.  There was always the big elephant in the middle of the room that no one dared mention.  I couldn't even tell my friends. There was little hope and I didn't understand why this happened to me.  Why is this my life? I had ...

It's all about perspective... I'm learning that lately.  Your perspective can change your attitude for the better or worse.  It can make your day longer than it needs to be.  For example, I hate going grocery shopping.  Seriously, I've even waited until we even ate most of our canned good.  Fridge was empty besides condiments.  Yeah, it was bad!  Dinners were let me say... creative! :D  Yet, God can change my perspective.  After a tight week here and there, I leave the grocery store thanking God for the food He has provided. Amazing difference, isn't it?  Even my home is still not finished after 2 years.  Yes, I'd love to get new floors or have my bathrooms completely finished.  (our home is a fixer upper!)  Yet, I thank God every night for the gift of a home for my family.  I know what it is like to be in between places to live.  I know what it is like to move your family and while moving in, they reality co...

"Enter by the narrow gate.  For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter it are many.  For the gate is narrow  and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few."   Matthew 7:13-14 As we go on our Christian walk, there are times when we are not as close to God as others.  It's not God fault.  I hear people complain that God just is so distant.  He left me through this situation.  I am going through this alone.  But, God doesn't leave us or forsake us.  The Creator of this universe is waiting patiently for you and me.  We're just human.  Sometimes easy is well... easy.  Too easy to resist.  How many times do we walk away from Him?? God doesn't say the narrow way will be easy.  The Bible says it's the hard way.  It's forgiving others, even when undeserved or unasked.  It is letting go of anger.  It is making time for Him i...

It feels like it's been forever since I've been able to write on here! My computer was on the brink and I just don't like to write at the library. But, I am back y'all! :)  To catch everyone up, lets see... kids are now in school.  For the first time, I didn't get a first day of school picture.  :(  I think one of mine was still in bed moaning when I left for work actually!  I now have a junior, sophomore, and a 7th grader.  My kids are getting bigger and older, hopefully I am getting a bit wiser.  One thing I realize, it doesn't matter how big they get  ---  little eyes are always watching me. I know today that I am one of the most important examples for my children to look up to.  How I treat others is how they learn to treat others.  What is important to me is what will become important to them.  And we all know that action speaks louder than words.... So, what is important to me?  And to them?? How should I even ...

Frustrated. That's where I find myself.  I am an opinionated person.  I'll admit that.  However, I usually talk about it with a few people and keep it to myself around others.  I am not good at confronting my source of frustration.  I bury it until I get to this point and I want to explode.  Yes, I do know it's not the healthiest way of dealing with things.  :D Also know that it's not the attitude that I should have.  We are supposed to be like God.  God puts up with a lot from us... from me.  Yet, He loves me through it all.  He doesn't throw up His hands with me and walk away.  "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant  or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;     it does not rejoice at wrongdoing,  but  rejoices with the truth.     Love bears all things, believes  all things, hopes all things,  ...

God has put this one my heart for a while, but I've really, well, put off talking about it.  It seems that lot of people recently have switched over to the home-school idea and don't give our schools the praise they deserve.  Public schools get a bad rap.  So, here are my two cents.  Take it what you will but if you have something negative to say, I'll just remind you that we all have a right to our own opinions and this is just my own.  These are just think from my perspective. When my children were smaller, I was a big reader to them.  As they grew, I taught them A, B,C's and numbers.  I taught them sounds for each letter so we could put together words.  Even beginning addition.  Before kindergarten, Joey knew all of that as well as could write his name and color in the lines beautifully.  Luke did have a few learning issues but I worked even harder with him.  Faith was even reading BEFORE kindergarten.  She was 4 years o...

"For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then,  whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord's."  Romans 14:8 Life is precious. Whether it is in the miracle of life.... Or the homecoming of death.   Life is precious. There are times in our lives when God reminds us of this gift.  Reminds us not to take it for granted.  It usually takes something big to get our attention.  The little stuff seems to go unnoticed.  So, God will use something big to turn our eyes and hearts on Him....where it should have been this whole time.  God has been using others to remind my heart of this. One of my own reminders:  My daughter has a friend her own age, Alyssa, who has been through so much.  Her pancreas has never worked right.  This summer, her family went to Minnesota for a huge pancreatectomy surgery.  Alyssa has been there over 20 days now.  She has had a ...

It is the Easter season once again.  Hard to believe it is only a couple days away.   Usually I am decorating with spring colors by now.  Thinking of Easter clothes or spring pictures.  Filling colorful eggs with chocolate and gummies.  This year my heart is heavy with the burdens of the world. So many people are struggling with cancer.  Mothers and Fathers will soon be saying their good-byes to their children and grandchildren.  It is so difficult to lose a parent, no matter how old we are.  Kent and I keep thinking about our Grandma as well.  She is in her 90's and fading faster it seems.  Last year, our aunt heard her talking to Jesus in her room.  She told Him that Easter would be a good time because, after all, You died for us.  (gave us the hint who she's talking too!)  Now, with Easter among us, we keep going back to that conversation.  We keep wondering if it will happen soon.  I saw her on my birthda...

"Fear not, for I am with you;   be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,   I will uphold you with my  righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:20 "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you."   Deuteronomy 31:6 "You will forget your misery;   you will remember it as waters that  have passed away.    And your life will be brighter than the noonday; its darkness will be like the morning.    And you will feel secure,  because there is hope;   you will look around and take your rest in  security."  Job 11:16-18 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord , plans for w elfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.   Then you  will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You  will seek me ...

During this time, I still had two small boys at home.  Luke would have been around 2 and Joey about 3 1/2.  I wouldn't let them do the d&c they wanted.  Looking back, I think my denial was so large that I just couldn't imagine it actually being true.  I really thought that she was fine.  This baby would be healed and a miracle.  My doctor sat down and talked to me.  He was trying to get it across to me that I was too far along.  The pain would be too great.  I wouldn't budge.  So, they sent me home with prescriptions for some large pain pills.  They also made me an appointment for 4 weeks away at the hospital.  If I did not miscarry naturally by that time, they would do the d&c to make sure I didn't get sick. For that month, I stayed busy during the day with my boys.  A constant prayer in my heart regarding my baby.   I got a few pats on the back from people saying they heard what happened and they were...

One never knows how news will affect us.  For my own family, it was just another Tuesday.  Another day at work.  Another day at school.  For friends of ours, it was a day changed their lives.  Friends of ours found out that their beautiful baby they are expecting next month has a rare disorder. The survival rate is low.  I know that God can work a miracle and heal her.  Times like these it is hard to say "Your will be done" when deep inside you just want everything to be alright. I cried all afternoon.  Cries from one mother for another mother intended for God's ears alone.  This news took me back to another day about twelve years ago.  A day that our own lives changed.  It was a normal check up.  My pregnancy was going great.  After being so sick for all nine months with the boys, I finally had a glow with a pregnancy.  :)  I had some cute little dresses ready.  A soft, lavender blanket just waiting fo...