The Pedestal

Growing up, I put my parents on a pedestal. I was their little girl. They were supposed to protect me. Guide me. Be all knowing. Always make the right decisions. Then, as I got older, things changed. I was 18 or 19, still trying to figure things out and I became angry. Looking back on my childhood, I saw so many things that went wrong. The emotional abuse. The sexual abuse (not by my parents, but I felt they didn't protect me). Waayy over protectiveness. There was always secrets that couldn't be talked about. (and still can't be) My senior year my parents got divorced. That was the last straw for me. I either had to heal my heart or drive off the bridge. I read lots of books. I found God. He taught me about forgiveness but it was so hard. I was flipping channels and came across Oprah. It was about a mother who really messed up because of things in her childhood. This has stuck with me and this changed me:

I did what I knew until I knew better.

When I knew better, I did better.

I started seeing my parents as people. I took them off the pedestal and got to know them as people. Yes, my childhood could have been better. But, it's my choice as an adult what to do with that hurt and anger. Do I keep chips on my shoulder? Do I hold it against them forever? Or do I learn to let go? I worked through it and with God's help, I forgave them. I got to know my parents. Their faults. Their view. Their hurt. Their disappointments. My parents made mistakes, but I've learned that we all do. Maybe not to the extreme of my childhood, but mistakes none the less. I'm so happy that I worked through this at such a young age, so I could enjoy my parents while they are here. My brother is not so lucky. He missed the opportunity to be there for my Dad. My Dad died a year ago this week. My adult relationship with my parents is so much better than my relationship as the 'baby'. When my parents knew better ~ they did better. I can talk with my mom now. I used to have lunch with my Dad once a week just because. It's as simple and as hard as that. I'm blessed. After all, would I change what happened to me growing up? No. It has made me who I am today. And, I'm lot better person with the large baggage to go through than a small carry on.