Summer of Changes

It's been around 24 days since schools been out.  I am realizing a few things.  The days of staying up until 3 am finishing a book are gone.  I'm old and my eyes are way too blurring at 3 am to be reading small print.  I realize that without a list of things to get done... I am way too easily sidetracked.  :D  I have done nothing of that "oh, I'll get that done during the summer" list.  I have done a lot of hiking.  I have gone to little towns I've never been before.  I have cheered at some soccer games.  I have tried Hurts Donuts and Burton's Creamery.  I have wondered in local book stores.  I've played in the Buffalo River a few times already.  Nothing fancy, but good days.

I look at my kids and I know all of it is about to change.  Joey is starting his second year of college.  Next summer, he wants to be a counselor at YoungLife camp for  month out of state.  Luke will be working full time soon.  These days of just jumping in the van with all three kids will be rare.  Soon enough, it will be just Faith and I.  Well, it will probably be me, Faith, and either:  1.  Cooper  2.  Zoe  Or a combination plus a few more.  And, well, that's okay.

Yeah, I know, I've had to get used to the whole "boyfriend" idea as well.  Look at your baby girls and know that it will happen.  Your little pig-tailed, tomboy, baby girl will soon want to wear dresses and heels.   Probably a lot sooner then you will want.  Hopefully, she will pick some one with some substance and not just a pretty face or the star of  the football team.  Faith has picked a good one.  Which, one side of me, makes me proud of her....the other side makes me worried because she is only 15.  They are just babies but they've been together almost two years already.  They have so much ahead of them -- good and bad. 

But, he is her best friend and she is his, which is the way it should be. So, we will make room for one more.  Just as his family has made room for Faith.  Faith's older brothers have accepted him and like him.  They have found things in common to talk about.  Their favorite is picking on Faith together.  :)   High school years can bring many changes as kids figure out who they really are and their groups of friends usually change.  Who knows what will happen over the next 3 years.  I am glad that they have each other as they begin this next chapter.  I've realized that the word boyfriend doesn't always mean drama, which is what I feared.  Relationships in junior high and high school are so up and down and drama filled that I didn't want any part for my kids.  I wanted my kids to grow up and figure out who they really are before dealing with that drama.  But, Faith and Cooper have shown that it doesn't have to be that way.  Will they make it through high school and college together?  They have a better chance than most.  I have no way of knowing, but I am glad he is here now. And, I expect him to be around for many more adventures. 

My Judgemental Self

My kids have been giving a hard time about being judgemental lately.  Telling me that I am such a judgemental person.  But, I beg to differ.  I really am pretty open.  Tattoos, long hair on guys, weird fashion statements....what ever.  May not agree with having a tattoo of an eye on your bald head but if you can live with it, then so can I.  Not to get political, but I even figure that it is not my right to judge whether it is right or wrong to be gay.  I'll let God decide that.  It is not for me to judge.  The Bible says to love your neighbor.  You can't do that if your condemning them to Hell from across the street.  There is one thing that I know I am judgemental on. Girls that dress slutty.  I just want to slap the girl's momma's or ask the adults "did you even look in the mirror??"

 Okay, girls if you are walking around with a wedgie -- your shorts might be too tight.  Seriously, it doesn't even look comfortable.  Just last night there was a 15 year old with shorts like this.  No, this is not her.  I am not some weird stalker talking pictures of a little girls booty!  Geez guys, give me a break!

Oh, and we live in the middle of it all:   horror stories of people at Wal-Mart! I'd gladly see some one in the pj's compared to the lady yestereday.  I went to Wal-Mart and while driving out of the parking lot there was a fairly large lady with skinny jeans, tight low cut shirt, and 4 or 5" red high heels.  Yes, quite the combo there.  As I am sitting in the van and asked my kids if they saw the lady with the red heels, they totally missed it.  I know it's bad, but a part of me was a bit sad so we could talk about how bad she look. :D  See, yes I am so judgemental on the slutty look and I admit it.

I know it's human nature to look at other's and size them up.  Appearance is part of that.  My oldest really doesn't get it.  He wears clothes that don't match half the time and totally does not look at appearances.  I'll say something about some one walking by and he seriously doesn't even notice.  In a way, I am proud that I raised him like that.  It shows me that besides the slutty look... I'm not really a judgemental person.  Otherwise, Joey would be more judgemental than he is. (that's logical, right?)

If girls could just keep things a little more covered or sometimes looser, we could all get along.  Shorts are not supposed to be the same size as your underwear. Having your boobs hang out of your shirt might be great at a nightclub,but I don't need to see that at Wal-Mart.  Skinny jeans and 4" heels can really only be pulled off by Beyonce.  And I know this sounds REALLY old fashioned, but here it goes:  just because you have the body to pull off a bikini doesn't mean you really need to wear one.  Yeah, the whole everyone has one, doesn't work for this Momma.  Don't care.  Not going to say that everyone who wears one looks slutty, but just saying my daughter isn't wearing one.  You can look more attractive covering up a little bit then putting it all out there.  I know that makes me sound really old, but little triangles covering up my baby girl is not going to work.

There it is.  My judgemental self is out there now, warts and all.  If your one of those Momma's that let your teenage daughter wear the triangles for a swimsuit or underwear for shorts, I apologize now for the thoughts that will go through my head this summer.  Being a mom to a teenage girl is hard and we have to make tough decisions. In some ways, I guess I am more conservative than I thought.  I know that there are times, my daughter does not agree with me, but I am hoping that in long run -- she will. 

My Baby Boy

This school year has gone by so fast.  As my kids get older, it seems to go faster.  Hoping at some point that time will once again slow down again.  The whole take time to smell the flowers kinda thing.  I have a yard full of irises, lilies, and peonies but not home very long to actually enjoy them. I am not going to complain though.  I wouldn't want it any other way... most of the time.

I have a senior again this year.  (Proof that God does have a sense of humor!  Seriously, have a 8 month old and find out your pregnant again!  hahaha.... after the tears!!)  It's is different from Joey's senior year.  Joey's there was A LOT of tears because there was the lots of "lasts".   His last time marching in the stadium for the last performance on the football field.  His last play.  His last spring concert.  You get the picture.  I was dehydrated before graduation!!  Luke's has kind of been the quite senior year.  All of a sudden and it's like what do you mean it's your last week of high school????  Wow!  I finally got a couple more senior photos done and I still haven't even got his cards printed!!

Isn't he handsome?  Yeah, I'm his Momma and I am supposed to think that.  He is my quite middle child.  My child that has taught me the most.  He has made me a better person and a better mother.  Through the years, I have learned to be strong and to fight for my kids.  The past 13 years of school has not been easy for Luke or me.  I have cried, prayed, pleaded, yelled, climbed the ladder until some one listened, and cried some more.  And, I would do it all over again.  He is worth it and so much more.  Parents don't give up.  YOU are your child's advocate.  If you won't do it, then no one will.  Don't always accept what some one in authority says.  You do what you believe is in the best interest of your child. 

We have had some wonderful teachers through the years.  They have hugged, been a shoulder of strength, and cried with me.  But, we have had some that really didn't care.  When Joey or Faith have a bad teacher, they deal with it and succeed despite the teacher.  When Luke had one of those teachers, it could ruin his whole year and affect his attitude towards the coming year.  You know your kids better than anyone else on this earth.  It's harder when the child is quite and keeps things to himself a lot, but I can't stress enough to take the time to notice their behavior and attitude.  It can tell you more than their words say when they get older.

We have made it to his senior year.   It's been an awesome year.  He finally has straight A's.  We've had a joke all year that it has taken him 13 years, but he finally got straight A's.  :D  I am proud of the person he is becoming.  Only God knows what his future holds, but God has brought us this far so my trust goes to Him.  Luke has learned a lot his senior year with a few great teachers that really care about him.  My prayer is that God will protect Luke and guide his footsteps.

Life of a Teenager

One of the facts of my life right now:  my kids are big.  That does come with some perks.  No fighting over what clothes to wear...most of the time.  No more Bob the Builder (Luke), Dora the Explorer(Faith), or Bear in the Big Blue House(Joey) playing loudly through the house.  Although, I didn't mind watching Sponge Bob.  There isn't anymore getting frantically shook at 5 am on Christmas morning.  Nor is there playing at the park and pushing swings.  okay....that seriously went to sad and depressing.  :(

It is a part life that I am slowly accepting.  The good and the bad.  As my kids grow and change, it also changes me.  When my kids were small, teenagers seemed like they were from another planet and that stage of life really intimidated me.  I am on my third teenager now and I am like "bring it!"  Okay -- not everyday.  But there are some days I can say that!! :D  And being around 10 or more

teenagers at the same time is normal now.  My boys have warped my sense of humor but if you ask them -- they gave me a sense of humor.  I get guy humor now.  Unfortunately.  First time I watched Rat Race, I seriously left and read a book.  Boys thought it was so funny.  Years later, watched it again -- I was laughing so hard I was crying.  I won't even say some of the other movies I find funny now.  It is not something I am proud of.  You would think I am really stupid.  Let's leave it as, my boys have definitely changed me.

My boys are practically grown and I am on to a different species now. I just want to take a moment and say Thank you to God.  I wanted two girls and two boys.  God probably laughed at that request because He knew these years would come.  I've heard many horror stories that once their daughter went into high school their eyes rolled back in their heads and starting spinning around possessed by something that was not their sweet baby girl.   The stories are scary and I am hoping they are exaggerated.  I am praying that my daughter stays her sweet, level headed, Jesus-lovin' self.  That not only will I love her the next couple years, but that I like her as well.  I'll be a second mom to as many she brings to me, but I don't want to be the one they roll their eyes at and makes them clean their room.  :)

I am learning to enjoy each phase of my kids lives.  Not to take it for granted.  Soon enough, they will be graduated with real jobs and families of their own.  Let's not rush into it.  The real world is not always as much fun as you think it will be.  Joey has kinda realized that since graduating high school.  Those days you wish would be over, soon enough are -- and your kids get just a little bit bigger. You wonder were the time went.  And you would like some of it back.

Snow Day Contest!

What is it snow days that makes me so happy?

It's not just because it's a day off.  If I needed one that badly, I could just take one of my personal days. I think it is because it's different.  The world kind of stops for a moment.  I don't have to get up and head some where.  I  get a day AT HOME with my kids.  I love it!

It's 9 am and I am still in my pajamas.  Which doesn't happen any day of the week!  Saturdays and Sundays are too busy for that.  A pot of soup will soon be on my stove.  I sit under blanket with my laptop open with fur babies resting beside me.  Life is good.  And I just take a moment to say Thank You Lord for truly a day of rest.

Yes, I will finish my laundry up today.  And dishes will get dirty and washed.  A precious little girl's birthday present will get finished today.  But today will also include some home made spinach dip while we play board games.  A glass of hot chocolate in the afternoon.  If we have enough snow, it will even include some snow ice cream.  Just moments that don't happen everyday.  They seem to only happen with the snow keeping us inside.

It's no wonder why I love snow days so much.  It means family, together at home. And since I'm in such a good mood... how about a Snow Day Celebration?  It has been a long time since I've done any drawings.  How about a breakfast basket?  Scones, muffins, banana bread...that kinda thing.  :)  Just leave your name in the comments and you'll be entered to twin.  Must be able to meet me in NWA to pick up basket.  Good Luck everyone! 

Jen

A little less talk please

Okay, I just gotta say that, well, this is MY blog and some times a person just has to gripe.  This would be one of those times.  So, if you would like, please feel free to skip to the next blog on your list.  It's okay.  Promise I'll never know and if I do find out, I won't hold it against ya! ;)

I am tired of a lot of talk and so little action.  That is what it all boils down to.  I could stop there and be done because the rest of my paragraphs will just reiterate that sentence.  But, my mouth won't let me!  I am not perfect my any means.  I get mad.  I yell when I shouldn't.  A bad word will escape my mouth once in a while.  I like to stick my head in the sand and pretend things are peachy.  BUT, I have taught my kids some good things.  My kids know what it's like not to have it all, but they also know that there are others who would gladly trade them places.  I am a big believer in volunteering.  It is a big part of my heart.  My kids have helped a free lunch program.  They have helped animal shelters.  They have cleaned an elderly person's home on the wrong side of town.  We have gone to nursing homes.  My kids have big hearts for service.  But, it is not because I've talked about it.  It is because as a family I have scheduled it and made them live up to our promise.   It is not because we are not busy and don't have things to do.  It because I made it a priority in our life and other things will have to wait.  I am proud of that.

I get tired of everyone talking about it.  When I offer to schedule a day to serve, I don't even get a reply back.  Or when I do schedule something and I only have a couple workers.  We are all busy and there will always be others things to do.  It is just the matter of saying, I am committed to this and it will come first. (so yes, soccer falls to the wayside at our house)  It is easy to gripe about the young people today because they just don't understand because things are handed to them so easy.  It is not the young people's fault.  It's the parents.  Yep, it's our fault.  Not because you give your kids everything, or most things, they want.  It is because you have not given them a servants heart.  It is more than just talking about it at church.  Or washing someone's feet that went and got a manicure on Saturday just for the service.  It is getting them out of their comfort zone and into some one else's shoes.

I hear people talk about forming "loving relationships," but I don't see any work being done besides meetings at church.  Relationships take work.  It means making time for some one else. Maybe something is happening and I am just not a part of it so I don't see it.  I don't know.  When I think of loving relationships,  I think of the kids in my Wednesday night group.  We spend time together outside of church walls.  They will text me or I'll text them during the week.  They know they can talk to me about anything.  That is a loving relationship.  Or the Hens and Chicks ladies group at church.  I love those ladies.  We spend time together.  We eat and laugh while we are working.  It has nothing to do with our ages and things in common.  Most of them are old enough to be my mother and can do wonderful things I am just learning.  It is time together with a common goal.  If I want to cultivate a loving relationship with others, it might mean having a pot luck at your home with some people that you don't know very well just for the chance to get to know them better.  I've done it before...it works.  Relationships are messy and they take time.  But the first thing you have to do, is to take the first step and reach out. 

Sorry, I will step off of my soap box.  Please let's just stop talking about service or relationships and let's DO.  Remember you are the example for your children.  If  you don't make the time to help others or to reach out.... that is what your teaching you kids.

Little Eyes Looking At Us

It feels like it's been forever since I've been able to write on here! My computer was on the brink and I just don't like to write at the library. But, I am back y'all! :)  To catch everyone up, lets see... kids are now in school.  For the first time, I didn't get a first day of school picture.  :(  I think one of mine was still in bed moaning when I left for work actually!  I now have a junior, sophomore, and a 7th grader.  My kids are getting bigger and older, hopefully I am getting a bit wiser.  One thing I realize, it doesn't matter how big they get  ---  little eyes are always watching me.

I know today that I am one of the most important examples for my children to look up to.  How I treat others is how they learn to treat others.  What is important to me is what will become important to them.  And we all know that action speaks louder than words.... So, what is important to me?  And to them??

How should I even begin to unravel these questions?  To me, something of importance is something that you do even when it's not convenient.  Let's look at an example.  One of the first things that pops in my mind is the importance of God and church.  So, how am I proving this to my kids? They know when I am struggling with problems, I am praying to God.  I am leaning on His strength. Sometimes it is in the little things.   Like for example, I have to set my alarm for church.  I love to sleep or lounge in my pj's.  But, I have a weekly alarm for me to get up and ready for church.  I make small group night a priority.  I  co-teach a class for junior high.  My kids see in my actions every week that God and church is a priority. Now, even when I am dragging and my pj's are feeling a little too comfy on Sunday morning, my kids are pushing me to get me up and ready because they are ready to go.  They have God and church as a priority in their life now.

Another subject of importance for me would be serving others.  That is why we volunteer.  That's why I am on the youth board.  That's why we help before we are asked.  My kids now have a heart for service.  They love to get out there and help others.  I know that if I didn't take them to nursing homes and bake cookies for firemen when they were little, it would seem odd to them now.  Seeing my children serve others makes me so proud.

I am not a perfect mother.  I have moments that I am not proud of.  But, those big things like God, service, and family are a priority in my life.  I don't just talk about them and their importance.  I show my kids with my actions, that they are important.  What are your examples showing your kids?  What is important to you?  Work?  Yourself?  A bigger home?  A new car?  Are you showing by example that God and church doesn't matter?  Remember, actions speak louder than words.  What do your actions say?

Homeschool VS Public

God has put this one my heart for a while, but I've really, well, put off talking about it.  It seems that lot of people recently have switched over to the home-school idea and don't give our schools the praise they deserve.  Public schools get a bad rap.  So, here are my two cents.  Take it what you will but if you have something negative to say, I'll just remind you that we all have a right to our own opinions and this is just my own.  These are just think from my perspective.

When my children were smaller, I was a big reader to them.  As they grew, I taught them A, B,C's and numbers.  I taught them sounds for each letter so we could put together words.  Even beginning addition.  Before kindergarten, Joey knew all of that as well as could write his name and color in the lines beautifully.  Luke did have a few learning issues but I worked even harder with him.  Faith was even reading BEFORE kindergarten.  She was 4 years old and reading books to her babydolls.  Did I think about homeschooling them at this point since they are doing so well thus far?  Maybe for a moment but I looked at the positives and negatives.

Homeschooling...they can learn on their level and at their own pace.  That means I can spend more time helping Luke and I can really push Joey and Faith.  But...I look at what they give up by being at home all of the time.  First thing that comes to my mind now (that they are teenagers) would be the extra stuff.  The stuff that make going to school worth it when you their age.

Joey is loves being a tuba player!  This opens up opportunities for learning things like how much hard practice is worth it.  He is going to New York City and will play patriotic songs in front of the Statue of Liberty.  AWESOME!  He also enjoys yearbook and has always loved history.  He even got selected to go on a history tour in Washington, Jamestown, ect. in junior high.   He is taking a college history class this year and pre-ap english.  Luke is taking a metal (welding) class and a construction class this year.  Each year will build on his skills.  Even looking at Faith.  She has art and music and PE.  Yes, I love arts and crafts but would I have her try to paint a bowl of apples to learn perspective?  Or different art styles?  Nope, it would be more of the pinterest ideas! LOL  Or try different instruments to see what she could be good at?  There are SO many extra things they learn besides math, english, science, and history.  (Even in science, they are getting out the microscope out and working on slides.) This is just the stuff they enjoy.  The things that help them figure out who they are.  The stuff that makes learning real.

Then, there is the social aspect.  My kids would have each other.  They would have other family members.  They would also have the kids from church.  Yes, they could be a part of library groups or such.  There little bubble would be very small and that's why a lot of parents like home schooling.   They want that control over who influences their child.  And honestly, the more I read the Bible.  The more I know that is not what Jesus would want.  (I know everyone is freaking out right now!)   God would want you to let Him have control of that.  Let God and Let God.  Jesus was out there.  He didn't shelter himself from the rest of the world.  He was out there with the disease.  With the dirty.  With the sinners.  He didn't just surround himself with the 12 disciples and say, "okay, guys, you go do this but I'm staying right here."  No, He showed the 12 how to have a servants heart.  How can be be a light in this world when the only thing we are lighting is own little circle?  Yes, there are bullies in this world.  Yes, even my own kids have been picked on.  But, you know what?  They have the opportunity to show God's love to kids that may not have ever seen it... on a daily basis!  That is how I started going to church years ago.  With friends.  What if their parents decided to place them in the safe bubble?

Do I get frustrated with the system?  Of course.  Even the teachers do.  There are some awesome teachers that I know who want to pull their hair out at things as well.  But they go to work each day knowing they are there to make a difference.  I have had to fight for Luke so much that I am naturally defensive at any of his IEP meetings.  I am always ready to stand up for him.  Honestly, now that Faith is bigger, I am even frustrated at the other end.  My daughter is in middle school and not being challenged hardly at all.  Easy straight A's.   But, I don't look at public school as a drop off and it is the teacher's job to do it all.  First and foremost, it is my job.  God has given me these three kids to do the best possible for them.  So, you know what I have always done?  I work with Luke on his reading at home.  Or his vocab.  Or math.  It is my responsibility to help my child.  Faith is bored.  You know what?  We work on algebra at home for "fun".  (yeah she likes it!)  Public school is a partnership with parents.  Not a drop off baby sitter. 

I have always said that if things got too rough for Luke, I would home school him without a second thought.  Joey and Faith would still be in public school even then.  I know there are special circumstances.  I have a friend that home schools her kids because she lives in such a town and she knows from experience that you can skip more days than your in school and still pass just fine. LOL  She wants a better education than what she got and that is great.  But I also know a sweet family that home schools because she doesn't want to be away from her children that much.  She even plans on doing on line college classes so I am not sure when they will actually face the real world.  I know that if they took the same tests as my kids, they wouldn't be passing.  So, it's really a disservice to her kids.  Sad.

My kids are big now.  I can look at what they are learning and it is SO much more than one person could do at home.  They are getting to experience teachers that are good at their subject,  showing my kids how to do it.  I could not show them everything they are learning.  They are becoming well rounded people who live in the real world.  Yes, they know there are bullies in life.  Yes, some of them have even seen teen pregnancy, gays, and drugs.   But, I wouldn't change it.  My kids are able to be light in the middle of sin.  They are able to be in the middle of the mess man has created and learn to not judge.  When my kids step out into the world on their own, not only will they be able to remember what the Bible says because they learned it in Church and at home (where it should be), they will be able to handle the real world as it really is.

Luke 15:1-7 " Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to 

hear him.  And the Pharisees and the scribes grumbled, saying, “This man 

receives sinners and eats with them.”  So he told them this parable:  “What

 man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not

 leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost,

 until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, 

rejoicing.  And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his 

neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that 

was lost.’ Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner

 who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance."

Parenting, Taking a Hard Look

Parenting...
It is not an easy job.  There isn't any putting a band-aide on it and dealing with it later.  It is an everyday job.  It is putting your heart out there daily.  Praying each day that your doing what is right for your kids.  Even though sometimes, your just feeling your way through the situation.  As my kids get older, I have had to take a step back and look at them.

Not as a parent.  But try to put myself in an outsiders perspective looking at my kids.  How does my kid interact with other kids?  How does he/she interact with other adults?  Would I want to be around them?  Yes, it is hard to look at your kids open and honestly.  But, it is necessary.  We are training our children to go out into this world.  Not, live in our basements and have friends just on Facebook.

Take for instance, little "Sally."  She seems like a model child.  Sally is very respectful with adults.  Very much a little "yes, ma'am" kinda girl.  Always the first one to raise her hand.  Ready to please her teacher in everything.  But, for some odd reason, the other children don't seem to like her.  Her parents think it is just because she's a teacher's pet.  What her parents don't see is how Sally interacts with the other kids when an adult isn't present.   They don't hear Sally's mouthy-ness towards every one.  They don't hear what Sally says about the other kids.  They have no idea their sweet little Sally is actually Eddie Haskell in disguise. 

After finally figuring out this Sally in my life, I looked at my own kids.  Removing my rose colored glasses and really trying to figure out their weaknesses because we all have them.  One of my kids really doesn't have any go-get-'em spirit about him.  He is content to be in the middle of the pack and doesn't strive to be first at anything. (drives his father crazy!!)   He does have a lot of friends, but he doesn't think before he speaks.  (drives me crazy!!)  What can I do to help him?  The griping at him doesn't seem to help.  How do to motivate some one that is content with the middle??  I can't make him want something that I want for him.  One of the joys of parenting is figuring things out, right?

Take a moment today to look at your kids from your neighbor's perspective.  Or maybe the other children around their age.  Maybe it is not always the other kids fault.  As parent's we need to take the good and the bad.  It doesn't mean we have to accept that is just the way they are.  It is our job to mold them into good, Godly men and women.  We can't do that if our rose colored glasses are hiding the truth right in front of our eyes.

Babies into Teens

Seasoned parents, remember those days when your children were small?  They would look up to you as if you knew everything.  Holding out their hands ready for you to hold.  Wet kisses with slobber left on your cheek.  Smiles that are meant for Mommy and Daddy only.  The giggles and laughter of toddlers filling up your home with love.

Those are wonderful memories.  It seems like so long ago.  Well, considering I have one going into high school... maybe it was so long ago!  Through the years, our relationships change with our children.  We are no longer the "all knowing" parents.  We some how become ancient and kinda dumb as our children transform into teenagers.  How many times has my son told us, "that's the way you did back then.  It's not that way now..."  ??

"Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far from him."   Proverbs 22:15

I do try to give my kids some space.  They are in a stage where even giving hugs or a kiss on the cheek is torture.  Not a fun stage when you are a hug-y kinda mom.  (very glad my daughter is not there yet!!)  Would I like a hug without them making a big deal or acting like I am taking them to the death chamber?  Of course!  I just don't see it happening now.  :(

Teenagers can drive you mad.  By now, they know which buttons to push.  They have their own sense of humor, which often enough, include parents now.  Yeah, they laugh at us now which depending on my own mood, is how that goes over! LOL  Some days they are luckily enough to have me laughing with them.  Some days they get the look because they better not push it too far.  Hey, just being honest here! :D

"Fathers, do not provoke your children 
to anger, but bring them up in the
discipline and instruction of the Lord." 
 Ephesians 6:4

 I grew up in a house with a lot of yelling.  Once my brother hit a teenager in high school, there was plenty of yelling.  About his clothes, his attitude, his friends, his room.  Even though the yelling was not directed at me, it was still there and affected everything.  I don't want my home to be like that.  You shouldn't want it either.  It is not the home life anyone should grow up in.  Yes, we are human and we all lose it once in a while.  It should not be part of daily life.

Teens are a cycle in life.  We all go through it.  What's worse is our beautiful little 6 lb. babies grow into these aliens for a few years. With God's help and guidance along the way, we will make it. Yes, we might have to bite our tongue daily.  Control our temper, after all they know how to push it.  They are worth it.  We are molding our children right now.  As they watch us and see how we handle conflicts, they are learning their own behaviors.  They are learning what is acceptable behaviors. 

Remember, even as our children may grow taller than us....little eyes are still looking up to us.

"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old

 he will not depart from it."  Proverbs 22:6

Singing Praises!

"I give you thanks, O Lord, with my whole heart;  before the gods I sing

 your praise;   I bow down toward your holy temple and give thanks to your

 name for your steadfast love and your faithfulness..."  Psalm 138:1-2

I have been feeling very thankful lately.  That is not a bad thing.  It is a great mindset that can improve your day instantly.  :)  I have been looking back over the past year and seeing how much God has blessed us and I am humbled.  God is SO good.  We just need to take a moment and acknowledge it.  Sing His praises because He is worthy!

I look at my kids and feel so much love and purpose.  Are they perfect?  uhh...no!  But, none of us are.  I feel so blessed that God has given me these children to care for and protect.  What an honor to be a Mother.  So many women long for that, and I have three. I don't take that for granted.  He protected me and my children through my difficult pregnancies.   With God's help every step of the way, I have two boys bigger than I and a daughter heading to middle school.


Last year, we were house looking.  Which after they year before of renting and moving a couple times, sounded wonderful!  A home.  But, the house looking part...not as much fun.  If you've done that recently, then you know how frustrating that can be.  We were looking for a foreclosure, trying to save some money.  We found a wonderful real estate agent and she took us to house after house.  We even bid on several.  Nothing ever came through.  The foreclosure market can drive you crazy.  

Then, we looked at this home in June.  The owner was in her 80's and was there while we looked at the house.  It was like walking back in time, welcome to the 70's show!  Nothing in the house was updated, but it felt like home.  We looked at it on a Friday, bid on it on Sunday, and she signed the papers on Monday.  We moved in August of last year.  Amazing how God works!  I know looking back, that God was making us wait for this home.  I don't take it for granted.  Yes, this old house needs some attention, but it is a work of love.  God blessed us with more than we expected!

The family and friends that have helped along the way.  My brother-in-law has spent a lot of hours here helping with the electrical.   My mom helped me go through all the rooms full of stuff and get the bedrooms painted while the kids were at camp.  Even my friend's dad, Joey, helped me with the tile in the kitchen.  We had some 5 gallon buckets of paint given to us from friends.  And even some ceiling fans given to us for bedrooms.  Recently, we had friends bring an auger to dig holes for a wood fence and another friend take a day off work to help us get them set.  What a blessing!  God has used so many people to bless us this year.  How could I not feel thankful?

There was a year or two where God was sharpening me, molding me, making me stronger.  I was stripped down to the basics of what is important:  God and my family.  Those times are necessary but not much fun to go through.  I feel so blessed.  Family.  Friends. Home. And now, a reliable car!  God is SO good!!

A Mother's Tears for the Unborn: Part 2

During this time, I still had two small boys at home.  Luke would have been around 2 and Joey about 3 1/2.  I wouldn't let them do the d&c they wanted.  Looking back, I think my denial was so large that I just couldn't imagine it actually being true.  I really thought that she was fine.  This baby would be healed and a miracle.  My doctor sat down and talked to me.  He was trying to get it across to me that I was too far along.  The pain would be too great.  I wouldn't budge.  So, they sent me home with prescriptions for some large pain pills.  They also made me an appointment for 4 weeks away at the hospital.  If I did not miscarry naturally by that time, they would do the d&c to make sure I didn't get sick.

For that month, I stayed busy during the day with my boys.  A constant prayer in my heart regarding my baby.   I got a few pats on the back from people saying they heard what happened and they were sorry.  During the boys nap time, I would go into the nursery and sit in my rocking chair.  I remember getting her dresses out and laying them on my belly.  Or just cuddling with her blanket.  Each day, nothing would happen.  No cramps.  No bleeding.  I just knew everything would be okay.  I would talk to her.  Pray to God.  My will was too strong at that time.  For I didn't want the will of my Father, I wanted my will for my child.  Forgetting that first and foremost, she was His all along.  That song by Phil Collins in the Tarzan movie would play...."Now stop your crying, it will be alright."   then it goes on to say, "You'll be in my heart.  Yes, you'll be in my heart.  Always."   The words are written at the bottom.  The words show so much love between mother and child.

The day finally came.  The next morning was my appointment at the hospital.  I asked for mercy from God.  I didn't want  the doctors to take my baby.  I would always wonder if they took her.  I wanted God let it happen naturally if I was going to lose my baby girl.  No doubts.  No wondering.  That night, after I put my boys to bed, my water broke for the first time (and only time) naturally in the kitchen.  I cried and cried because I knew this was it.

My labor had begun.  Yes, I did grab my pain pills but it was like taking an aspirin.  It kinda my my mind hazy but didn't help the pain.  So, what do I do?  I take more.  God was with me that night.  No other way to explain it.   I didn't call for help.  I didn't want to wake the boys up from sleep.  I remember thinking that.  My boys don't need to see all this blood.  They can't wake up and see me like this.  So, I went through hours silently.  My mom would later be so mad because I didn't even call her or go to the hospital when so much could have gone wrong.  I just remember not wanting to wake my boys up.  I didn't think of what could have to me. 

With God's help, I made it through that night.  I thought the hardest part would be done.  But... it wasn't.  Those days afterwards.  I remember driving with my boys to the library or to the store and that song would come on the radio.  By the time  the first line in the song was through, I would start crying.  By the end, I would have to pull over on the side of the road from crying so hard.  I knew then, that the hard part was just beginning.

You'll Be In My Heart

By Phil Collins

Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand
Hold it tight

I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry

For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here
in my heart always
Always

Birthday Girl, Faith

It really is true how time flies.  My little six pound baby girl turned 11 this week.  My baby is no longer a baby.  :(   She is in her last year of elementary school, actually she only has about 4 months left.  Faith is ready.  (momma not so much)  She has always been ready to grow up.

She refused to nurse between 9 - 10 months.  She would only drink from a sippy cup.  I remember how I wasn't ready.  I wanted those last few months.  Faith was even walking before 12 months.  At her 1 year birthday party, she was walking between everyone like it was no big deal.  Even when she went to kindergarten, she didn't want me to walk her in.  (I did, of course, crying like all the other mother's walking out the door.)  The thought of middle school doesn't make her nervous at all.  She is  ready.  Faith is always ready to grow up before I  am ready to let go.

I've read all of those parenting books about how this is a good thing.  You want your child to be independent and secure.  You want them to be able to make their own choices.  You don't want your child to always cling to you and need your assurance.  You raise your child to be able to fly on their own.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I know.   I'm trying.   It's just still hard sometimes to let go.

But, when you do let go, what a beautiful thing!  She is able to be who she really is.  Not who we thought they would be.  And, who she is really is and what God is doing through her is more than I could have planned.  It is hard not to hover and cling, but it is worth it.  I am proud of the young girl she is becoming.

For instance, I always to the Valentine Class party.  The past couple years, I've been doing it with another classmate's mother.  Her son, "Daniel," has special needs.  Faith is very protective of him.   Daniel's mother told me that Faith is child she requests to be put with her son every year during the IEP conference.  That is why they have been in the same class since 1st or 2nd grade.  I am so proud of my baby.   My daughter makes a difference to him.  It makes me cry just thinking about it from both the point of view of a special needs mother and Faith's Mom.  Even during the party, Daniel was off by himself and Faith went over and got him so he could be in her group.  I didn't even notice but Daniel's mother did and almost cried when she told me.   She told me, "that is why I ask for Faith."  Which, of course, I cried because I understand her like no one else could.

Her compassion towards others is inspiring.  Such understanding especially from a young age.  Even her teacher told me at this last conference how much she appreciates that there is no drama with Faith.  None of the little bickering that girl's do.  She just walks away when her friends start and will go play with some one else.  She tries to be everyone's friend.  I love that even more than I love her straight A's! :)

I don't know what God's plans are for my little girl.  I know that her life is in His hands.  (there is not a better place to be!)  I like to think that I am doing something right in raising her as I see her independence and her compassion towards others.  But, I know that I cannot take credit for it.  It is the light of God shinning through her in those moments.  I am just blessed that she is my daughter.

Happy 11th Birthday Faith Kathleen!

Children Are Not a Crutch

My son came home this week and was talking about a mom of some one at school.  For this post, I will call her "Jill" because, well, honestly, I don't know anyone named Jill.  :D  She is up at the school ALL of the time.  Jill is up there DAILY.  My boys are in junior high.  They are way past the class parties stage!  It occurred me to that she was using her children as a crutch.

God has a purpose for Jill's life just as He does for you and I.  One of my purposes are to be the mother to three children.  God does call me to love them unconditionally.  (which as teenagers can at times be difficult!)  I am to raise my children in a Christ centered home.  I am also supposed to raise my children to be independent.  It's a hard pill to swallow at times but totally true!  My children have their own purpose to full-fill.  God has more plans for their life than to just be my son or daughter.  How can my children be brave enough to do God's work if they are scared to leave my side??

You might wonder why I use the word "crutch."  My thought is Jill's baby graduates high school in 3 years.  What is she going to do after that?  I know this lady on a small talk basis and her life revolves around her kids.  She is using her kids, she is filling her life with her kids so much that when they leave ~ her life will be empty. It is not her children's job to full fill her life.  That is a lot to put on a child.

It makes me look at myself a little more closely.  A lot of my time revolves around my kids, as it should.  But, will I be empty when they leave?  For me, the answer is no.  My life is filled with joy and happiness from moments with them.  But my full-fulfillment  cannot come from my children.  My source of love, my source of strength, rests in God alone.  He is the fountain that will never run dry.  I truly loved being a stay at home mom for the few years I was able.  Those moments with my kids, I would never trade!  I'd really love to be a stay at home  mom again now that my kids are in school.  Just so I could do a few things I'd like to do while they are gone during the day.  :D Things placed on my heart but I can't do at this time in my life.  I'd love to go once a week to the children's shelter to read for one thing.  Maybe help with the Salvation Army lunches.  Maybe even foster care.  I know that God would find people who needed me and guide me to them! 

I can't live with the "maybe one day" either.  I need to live in the here and now.  Although I cannot quit my job to read to other children, God will open up other opportunities.  I must trust God's plan for not only my life, but my children's as well.  My life is in His hands and that fills my heart.

Role Reversal

Time does seem to fly.  I get busy.  Work.  Husband.  Kids.  Laundry.  Bills.  Yes, yes...that list gets longer and longer.  Then, one day, you take a moment to really look around.  And what do you see? 

Our parents are getting older.  Which makes sense because well...got some gray going on myself!  But, it just seems so unreal at times.  My mother's skin is getting thinner and she bruises easily.  Sometimes she looks so frail. 

My Dad passed away in 2009 from cancer.  I remember going to all of the doctor's appointments.  I filled out the paperwork and spoke with the doctors.  Just as I do for my own children.  My Dad, which would look at any contract before I signed it when I younger, now needed my help with his rental agreement each year. 

I've know in my head that roles get reversed as your parents age.  For me, it's hard to realize that it's really happening.  I'm not just reading about it.  I'm living it!  I would really rather live in denial a little longer.  :)  just being honest!  It's hard to be the authority figure in your family.  To have both generations looking for guidance.  It's a lot sometimes!  Who can I look to because I don't know it all?  Who can I cling to?  Who will protect me and comfort me?  I know ...that's a lot of me's and a lot of whinning!!


The person I look to for guidance is always there day or night.  He knows my heart.  To be honest, I'm not that strong.  I'm not that wise.  I've shed tears of selfishness because of the 'why me's??"  And, said several times, "I'm not ready."  But, God is strong and wise.  Through Him, I have the grace to make it another day.  Only with Him, can I be the daughter and mother that I am supposed to be.

"O God, from my youth you have taught me,
and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds.
So even to old age and gray hairs,
O God, do not forsake me,
until I proclaim your might to another generation,
your power to all those to come.
Your righteousness, O God,
reaches the high heavens."

Psalm 71:17-19

Another IEP

Today was my IEP conference for Luke.  We go over progress or regression that has happened.  We try to figure out what worked and what didn't.  Then, we set a plan for the coming year.  Some years are harder than others.  The assistant-principal had a chart on his computer about Luke from 1st or 2nd grade and up.  He pointed out that in 4th grade and 5th grade, Luke made some good progress according to test results.  We could see that 2nd grade missed.  (so true!)  And third grade showed some leveling out.  (that wonderful teacher needed to just love on him because of second grade.  which she did wonderfully!  She got him to like school again and gain lost confidence.)

Middle school was a good experience for Luke overall.  The resource teacher and the assistant-principal helped him in SO many ways.  He's grown and matured the past two years.  They pushed him a little out of his comfort zone to watch him grow.  The downfall of middle school would be that Luke doesn't have a good friend.  I really don't want Luke to be a loner in school.  It's so hard!  Now, my baby is moving on to Jr. High.  How did that happen??  And, the dreaded changing of schools.  I wasn't too sure about moving to middle school, but there was support at the conferences while Luke was still in elementary.  That helps give us worrying Mamma's a little ease.  To meet the people your trusting the care of your child too. (and to see their care and concern is real)  Was there a representative from the jr. high at my meeting today?

Of course not!  She was on the list of the people who were supposed to attend the meeting.  A no-show!  :(  I was hoping to talk with some one about the scheduling for next year.  I just wanted a little bit of ease of mind so then I could pass it on to Luke.  Instead I have to fake it again.  If they only knew the stress special-education kids have regarding their teachers and schedules all summer long!  Take the concern the 'normal' kids might have and multiply it!  They also warned me that next year was Luke's evaluation.  And, since he is still receiving services under speech/language, I might have to be a Momma' Bear to keep it that way. 

I did get to hear how wonderful Luke is.  :)  They told me he is like an old soul in that young body.  That's how a lot of people described me growing up.  They told me how concerned he is of the well-being of others.  How he concentrates on his work even when other's would rush him.  How he is willing to try and not give up.  And how sweet and encouraging he is to others.  All things that make me proud of the person he is becoming.   Grades and test scores don't make you.  They are just a small part of the picture.   It's the perseverance in life and how you treat others that people remember.  Luke is on his way!

In the Spotlight

Confrontation is really hard for me. I shy away from it as much as possible actually. Yes, I know if you know how my week has gone ~ you wouldn't think so. The fact is most of the time through my younger years and especially my teen years, I let people walk all over me because confrontation scared me. I had several co-dependent relationships because of this. It is SO much easier just to let it go than to put yourself out there. What if it ruins a relationship? What if they think badly of you? What if they talk about you? What if...?

It is easier for me to help behind the scenes. To be that person people say, "thanks" to as they walk into the spotlight themselves. But, I can't always be the person that I want to be. Sometimes, I have to be the person that God wants me to be. It isn't always easy. And sometimes honestly, I wish could hide my head or put cotton in my ears to pretend it isn't my job to do something. That some one else will do the job God wants me to do.

But as I stand up for what I believe is right, I'm setting the example for my kids. That there are somethings we need to do ~ even with we don't want to. We need to speak up for people that have not found their voice. I was talking to Luke today about how he needs to speak up and tell his teachers what he needs. (this was about sitting in front so he could see the board better in science) He told me in a small voice, "that's hard for me." I know ... I understand...that is still hard for me too. Hopefully with practice, it will get easier for both of us.

Family Secrets

As you have read through my posts, my childhood had a lot of traumatic things. We were never allowed to talk about these things to anyone ~ not even to each other. It was the giant elephant in the middle of the room that everyone walked around. I couldn't even talk about it to my mother. It would make her cry and upset and she would tell me that she didn't want to talk about it. (I did try through the years.)

I do understand that I will never know everything that my mother went through. Why? She won't tell me. It's some how another secret like the rest of my childhood. She has told me that those things that happened in her childhood will go to the grave with her. Yet, because of this burden that she carries everyday, it effects her relationships with others. How could it not when everything is a secret?? So even now, her father is still hurting her and effecting her life. (From him, is where the abuse started) When people ask her about a trip she went on, she thinks they are being nosey. Everything is some big conspiracy or secret. And because of this view she has, she doesn't have any real friends. Which leads to me trying to fill another role besides daughter. . . again.

With my own family, it is not that way. I didn't like growing up like that. (who would?) We are a pretty open and honest family. Things that happen ~ we talk about and pray about. We talk about Luke's autism. The kids know that they can ask me questions and talk about it. My brother that doesn't have anything to do with us, we talk about it and even discuss mine and their feelings about it. My Dad passed away in 2009 and we talk about it. And, my mom doesn't understand why I tell my kids so much. It's because I'm tired of all the secrets!!! When there are secrets, they still can hurt you. They still have power over you. Once you bring them out into the light. . . their power is gone. God can begin to heal and put you back together again.

It is sad to say, although I do love my mom but I don't want to end up like my mom. I want to do better. Right now, all she has to help fulfill her life is me and my family. She talks with her sisters once a month. She doesn't have any hobbies and doesn't like to read. She expects so much from me. And with that, I am bound to disappoint. When I am older and my kids are grown, I want to have the home they want to come back to. The one where the grand kids want to visit because grandma will make them cookies and play games. I want the home where my nephew and nieces bring their kids. Not only that, I want to have a life besides my children. I want to have friends that I still stay in touch with and see often. Organizations that I volunteer frequently. Places that I'd love to see.

Family secrets are a sad way to grow up but knowing that I determine the future brings me happiness. I do not have to repeat history. Just as the abuse ended with my, the secrets can stop as well. I have to keep trying with my mom to break her out. . . to help her move on. Yet, I know it is a decision that she has to make for herself just as I did.

"Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets."

~ Paul Tournier

Spirit-Led Mom

This is the book that I have been working on lately. I say working for a reason. I can read through a book in day, maybe two. But ~ just reading though it ~ I don't let it sink in... help me...give me something to think about... pray about. And that is what I want.

I love that at the end of each chapter, it gives verses to mediate on. Throughout the book, it gives real women's experiences. I can strive to be one of the Spirit-Led women. One of my favorite paragraphs on discipline in the book is:

"Asserting authority as a parent goes with our job description. As much as we might want to be best friends or pals to our children, that facet of the relationship comes primarily after they have become adults. During their formative years, we parents - with all our human frailties - are the most important authority figures in their lives. We must not abandon our responsibilities."

Motherhood is such an important role we have. We are shaping these young lives with our behavior, actions, and words. It is vital that our children see us as the Christian mother that God has called us to be. Not just because we say we're Christian. Many of the world call themselves Christians. But that we show by example that God is the center of our lives. That our children see us pray. They hear us talk about God (not just at church). Our children see us reaching out to help others in need. They see forgiveness in our actions and words.

It is a reminder also that God will give you what you need, when He knows your ready. That means it is in His time, not yours. Also, you must be quite and still. Slow down. I talk with God all of the time. It is harder for me to just shut up sometimes! So, although God might be giving me the answer that I've asked about twenty times already ~ I am too busy to notice or catch the answer. That is one thing I need to work on. Be still and QUITE. Being a Spirit-Led Mother is too important to miss it because I'm too busy. It is hard work. I haven't lived through the teenage years yet and I'm realizing that it's hard. There will be sleepless nights. Lots of tears shed. But, God has told us that all our hard work is not in vain. We will reap what we sow as long as we are persistant and never give up. Our children are worth it!

"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap,

if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to

everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith."

Galatians 6:9-10 ESV

Savor to Moment

Time is never wasted when it is spent with people you love. I do wish that time would slow down sometimes. We have already had three weeks of our summer vacation. It's gone. As I look back at what I've gotten accomplished (because I always have things I want to get done during summer), that list is still there. The sewing machine has not been dug out yet. There are still so many books I want to read. Oh yeah, more cleaning and going through things, of course.

So, what have I done? I've been trying to think of that myself. I have spent time with my kids at the pool. Oh, we've stopped for ice cream a couple times. We have been to the library and I got cookbooks while they got chapter books to read. We have been going to church on Wednesdays instead of just Sundays. (my kids have early bedtimes during school...Faith's is 8pm) We have stayed up late watching movies together. Played the Wii a few nights late. We had a party for my in-laws and worked on our genelogy. Oh ~ one of my favorite things! Sleeping in until 7:30!! Woo-hoo! Then, waking up and cuddling with my little girl. We have got to spend more time with Great Grandma too.

My to-do list might just have to wait. It seems like I'm busy....being there in the moment with my family. I am taking moments from the busyness that seems to happen between work and school, and savoring those moments. Putting those moments to good use. Time for a slushy in the heat of the day. Or to swing at the park. Or a game of dominos and clue. Because ~ one day soon ~ they will grown and I'll have plenty of time for my to-do list.

"If I could do anything over, I'd spent more time with my first set of children.

I would have taken more quality time with them for sure." ~ Lee Trevino