A Mother's Tears for the Unborn: Part 2

During this time, I still had two small boys at home.  Luke would have been around 2 and Joey about 3 1/2.  I wouldn't let them do the d&c they wanted.  Looking back, I think my denial was so large that I just couldn't imagine it actually being true.  I really thought that she was fine.  This baby would be healed and a miracle.  My doctor sat down and talked to me.  He was trying to get it across to me that I was too far along.  The pain would be too great.  I wouldn't budge.  So, they sent me home with prescriptions for some large pain pills.  They also made me an appointment for 4 weeks away at the hospital.  If I did not miscarry naturally by that time, they would do the d&c to make sure I didn't get sick.

For that month, I stayed busy during the day with my boys.  A constant prayer in my heart regarding my baby.   I got a few pats on the back from people saying they heard what happened and they were sorry.  During the boys nap time, I would go into the nursery and sit in my rocking chair.  I remember getting her dresses out and laying them on my belly.  Or just cuddling with her blanket.  Each day, nothing would happen.  No cramps.  No bleeding.  I just knew everything would be okay.  I would talk to her.  Pray to God.  My will was too strong at that time.  For I didn't want the will of my Father, I wanted my will for my child.  Forgetting that first and foremost, she was His all along.  That song by Phil Collins in the Tarzan movie would play...."Now stop your crying, it will be alright."   then it goes on to say, "You'll be in my heart.  Yes, you'll be in my heart.  Always."   The words are written at the bottom.  The words show so much love between mother and child.

The day finally came.  The next morning was my appointment at the hospital.  I asked for mercy from God.  I didn't want  the doctors to take my baby.  I would always wonder if they took her.  I wanted God let it happen naturally if I was going to lose my baby girl.  No doubts.  No wondering.  That night, after I put my boys to bed, my water broke for the first time (and only time) naturally in the kitchen.  I cried and cried because I knew this was it.

My labor had begun.  Yes, I did grab my pain pills but it was like taking an aspirin.  It kinda my my mind hazy but didn't help the pain.  So, what do I do?  I take more.  God was with me that night.  No other way to explain it.   I didn't call for help.  I didn't want to wake the boys up from sleep.  I remember thinking that.  My boys don't need to see all this blood.  They can't wake up and see me like this.  So, I went through hours silently.  My mom would later be so mad because I didn't even call her or go to the hospital when so much could have gone wrong.  I just remember not wanting to wake my boys up.  I didn't think of what could have to me. 

With God's help, I made it through that night.  I thought the hardest part would be done.  But... it wasn't.  Those days afterwards.  I remember driving with my boys to the library or to the store and that song would come on the radio.  By the time  the first line in the song was through, I would start crying.  By the end, I would have to pull over on the side of the road from crying so hard.  I knew then, that the hard part was just beginning.

You'll Be In My Heart

By Phil Collins

Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand
Hold it tight

I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry

For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here
in my heart always
Always