Forever Changed: Part 3

The first weeks after my miscarriage are just a blur.  Looking back, I can't really remember them.  I knew I needed to focus on my boys and find ways to be happy once again.  But knowing and being able to actually do it is difficult.  I lost my baby in the fall.  So, I threw myself into the holidays.  I was cooking and baking a lot.  Christmas looking and shopping was therapy. (don't recommend, just being honest!) Decorating the house.  Anything that would keep me busy.  Keeping my mind off the stocking that would never be filled.  Each and everyday I would still go into her nursery when the boys took a nap.  I'd sit in that rocking chair and talk to God.  November and December seemed to go by quickly.  I thought I was doing okay really. 

Then January came and life calmed down. That is when it hit me.  I cried...a lot.  I just wanted my baby girl.  I wanted to hold her and see her smile.  I wanted to kiss baby toes and wrap her in my lavender blanket.  My due date was in March and I kept thinking of what could have been.  I asked God to heal her body and bring her back to me.  I missed her.  I wanted to feel her kicking inside of me.  The way she would get the hiccups.  I wanted to have my soup craving back.  (that's what I wanted all of the time!)  I wanted her to move when I would sing.

It was a very hard time.  I was in a dark place.  Life had gone on for everyone.  It was like no one remembered her but me.  I felt so alone.  I did try and talk with a friend who had a miscarriage.  But the similarities were not there.  She was only about 6 weeks along.  For her, it was sad and disappointing but she'd just try again.  The emotional attachment to that child wasn't there.  There wasn't a name with no baby and an empty nursery waiting to be filled.

I learned during that time to lean on God more than ever.  I had to trust in His will.  In His timing.  So many tears were cried.  I just didn't understand why but I had to trust that God only wants what is best for us.  That was a hard mind change for me honestly.  I just wanted my will for my child and I had to let that go.  I had to accept God's will for my baby.  I had to love on my boys and let them love on me.  Because I needed that unconditional love of a child as well as the unconditional love my heavenly Father to see me through.

I don't know why things like this happen.  We live in a fallen world and things happen for reason we may never understand.  I know that God is the great comforter.  Only He can begin to heal your heart and bring you peace.  I know that I am a different person than before.  I pray that Destiny's life be used for God's glory.  I pray that God can use me and my experience to bring comfort to others. 

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father 

of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction,

so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with

the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we

share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share 

abundantly in comfort too."   2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Mother's Song

I've lost my baby daughter,
Though not misplaced.
I feel she's somewhere
Bound by neither time nor space.
Perhaps she sits before the Throne
With radiant face.
She could be dancing happily
Like little girls do
With golden taps beneath
Each precious little shoe.
I know she must love music,
So I'm sure it's true.
I'm grateful that in Heaven
She is healthy and strong
And that she's lulled to sleep each night
By Heaven's song,
But I wish I could hold her;
Is that terribly wrong?
I sang so often to her
While she was with me
And I will go on listening
For her harmony.
How sweet to know
I'll hear it In eternity. 

by Lisa L. Easterling