One More Surgery

 Well, it's been a few months since my last update.  I went back to work after surgery.  A little more exhausted but I made it through the end of the school year.  Thankfully my mammogram and ultrasound were just cysts on both sides.  I went back to my follow up with the urologist.  He gave me news that I was not expecting.  He told me that I need to have lung x-rays every three months this first year.  He said there is a chance that kidney cancer will travel through your blood stream and go into your lungs.  In my mind -- I am thinking he's being extra cautious.  (which I appreciate!) I definitely want to catch things early.  Then, I go home and hit Google.  

Yeah  - I know.  Everyone just went "nooooo" but if you were in that position, you would want to know the numbers too.  I only go to actual cancer sites.  However, I was not ready for what I found. In my mind, I was expecting 20%.  Or even as high as 30% of kidney cancer metastasis into your lungs.  That would leave me 70% into the clear.  

But that is not what I found.  One site said that RCC (renal cell carcinoma) has a 50 - 60% of spreading to your lungs.  Another site said that it is up to 93% recurrence rate in the lungs within the first five years.  So even if I ignore the last statistic because that is too much to think about.  It's still a 50% chance of it going to my lungs.  A cancer which is not treatable with chemo or radiation.  So I have my first x-ray the end of July and the follow up urologist appointment the beginning of August. 

So the last thing on my list of things wrong way back in November -- were cysts and fibroids on my uterus.  I already had one pelvic ultrasound to look at them but the doctor would not even consider treating anything until after I had my cancer surgery.  I went again for another pelvic ultrasound last week.  She apparently found lots of things that are not supposed to be in there during ultrasound. 

 During my gynecologist appointment, I was told that I still have at least one cyst and several fibroids.  However they are not just in my uterus.  They are also growing on the outside of my uterus and taking it over.  They are so large that they are probably rubbing on other organs around there. Which actually could be part of the pain that I originally went to the doctor for in October.  

So, next month I will be having a hysterectomy.  It will be my third surgery in 8 months.  Unfortunately, the soonest that they could get me in the OR is 2 weeks before I go back to school.  I am on the list and if there is an opening in the OR sooner then they will call me. My pre-op appointment is next week, so I can be called anytime after that.  I am praying that I am able to get in sooner so I have more recovery time before school starts.    

It really has been such a journey the past several months.  I have seen God's hand of protection through it all.  If I would not have had unexplained pain in September and finally went to the doctor in October, I would probably not be here today.  Yes, kidney cancer is slow growing and it would have grown to be untreatable.  But, my gallbladder would have made me septic before then.  I am thankful to God because each of my diagnosis through this process could have been so much worse.  And although I am unsure of the purpose He is saving me for.  I know that He writes my story.  

Figuring Out Why

 So many times we just take what doctors tell us without questioning.  Or, when we do question, we just accept their answer as gold.  While, I really don't believe that doctors would intentionally lead us astray.  However, I am the best advocate for my kids and myself.  I've always just had to read books, articles, find doctors, and push, push, push for my kids and my husband.  This time - it's all about me.  

I am just trying to figure out how some one in the mid-forties gets a cancer that doesn't usually hit some one until their sixties or seventies.   I don't fit any of the kidney cancer criteria.  Is there any connection to my other diagnosis?  What the heck is going on in my gut area??  

I know that I can't fully prevent cancer.  One mutated cell going crazy and multiplying is all that it takes.  There have been plenty of health nuts that have gotten cancer.  Marathon runners. Professional athletes. Vegans.  Keto. You can just go through the categories and cancer has touched everyone.  (thankful - because a marathon runner I will never be!!)  But there has to be something that I can do to heal what ever is going on inside me.  That is where my digging began.  I'm just going to explain the top layer of all of the science.  Honestly I start reading some of the medical studies and it goes over my head pretty quickly.  So I will stick to the basics!  :) 

The word that just kept popping up book after book was inflammation.  Acute Inflammation by itself is a good thing.  It is a natural defense in the body.  It helps to heal and repair damaged tissue.  It helps to fight infections. It kills germs. However, as amazing as the human body is -- Chronic Inflammation is when your body keeps sending those cells even when there is no danger.  Those cells end up damaging your body instead of healing.  Chronic inflammation can damage DNA and affect cell growth which can lead to tumors.  

But it isn't just connected to cancer.  Chronic Inflammation can cause plaque buildup which leads to heart disease.  It also damages arteries that supply blood to the heart. The American Heart Association acknowledges how inflammation can play a part in heart disease.  Rheumatoid Arthritis is caused by inflammation.  It's not the wear and tear of a joint.  I was diagnosed with arthritis in my hands when I was 28.  Recently my CT scan showed arthritis throughout my body. This isn't wear and tear.  It's inflammation.  I wish my doctor would have talked to me about it when I was 28, so I could try to heal my body the past 20 years.  Chronic Inflammation is also connected to Type 2 Diabetes, which I have.  It can disrupt insult signaling pathways which effect glucose metabolism.  It can also lead to weight gain which is connected to Type 2 Diabetes.  Brain inflammation is a large factor in Alzheimer's Disease.  It is connected to beta plaque production which is a characteristic of Alzheimer's Disease.  Having a mother with dementia this makes this more real. I am not wanting my final years to be in the fog of dementia.

If Inflammation is connected to so diseases -- why don't the doctors talk about it?  They cannot without a doubt confirm that inflammation is causing your disease.  Research can connect it to all of those diseases and many others.  But as for your specific disease - There is not a way a doctor can say that inflammation caused it.  I do wish I would have know when I was 28 that inflammation could contribute to it.   So for me, I am going to look into an anti-inflammatory diet to try and heal some of the damage that has happened through the years.  It definitely cannot hurt. I changed my diet last year after my diabetic diagnosis.  Let's see what else I can heal from the inside. 

Going Through the What If's

 I got asked about those other moments.  The ones you have to process through when the word Cancer gets connected to you.  My friend wanted to make sure that I'm processing everything and don't burst later.  I assured them that I am not ignoring those times.  Those hard moments are still there.  It's nothing I can choose to put it off to the side.  The "Why Me?" question pops sometimes up when I'm thinking too hard about it.  I think of everything that's happened in my life and I wonder why?  But I can answer that question pretty easily.  Why not me?  There have been far greater people who has gone through worse. Not to minimalize what I've gone through --  from childhood abuse to holding everything together for many years as my husband got worse and passed.  There is a lot of crap in my forty something years. But I am not any better than the next person, so why not me?

But the "what if" question -- now that gets to me.  I want to see my kids happily married.  Successful in what they choose. A few grandkids would be great as well.  I want to be there for those moments.  I want to be there for the that phone call when they still need Mom's advise.  I want to be there for all those moments in between. But, what if  -- those are just My wants?  Not God's plans?  What if God's idea of healing me isn't the same as mine?

As I was putting away the Christmas tree, I wondered if I would be able to do it again next Christmas.  What if I'm not there to yell at Briggs from the sidelines of his first soccer game?  What if I never get to take another vacation with all three of my kids again?  What if the cancer comes back?  Or what if when they take out the cancer - one of those cells land on another organ?  One that cannot be taken out?  Those "what if's" tend to multiply.  The "what if's" just sink my heart.  Make me lose hope. All of the "what if's" reach deep in my heart and squeeze the tears. Leaving me drained and scared.

  

That's when I just a deep breath and cry to God to just calm my heart and my mind.  Lord I just ask for your peace.  A peace that doesn't make sense with everything going around me.  God is Hope and Peace and Love.  All those thoughts that can bring me to my knees -- that is chaos and it does not come from Him.  

Even if -- that's what I'm hanging on to.  It comes from Daniel 3, three guys named Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were being held captive.  The king that held them wanted the 3 of them to bow down and worship the king's god.  The king threatened their lives if they didn't listen.  The three told the King that God could save them but EVEN IF,  He didn't -- they still would not bow down.  Even if they had to die that day  -- they would rather go through it with God.  That's where I'm at once again.   I don't know God's plan is for my life.  I don't know why I am at this point.  I don't know what is going to happen.  I just know that I would not make it without Him. I know that Even if I have go down this path I do not want, I would rather go through it with God.  And those three guys in Daniel -- when you looked in the furnace they were thrown in -- there where 4 walking around unharmed.  Because God does not leave His children during the hard stuff.  He is there with us…. Even If.

The Scary "C" Word...

In 2022, my word for the year was Breathe.  It was a hard couple years watching Kent's decline.  I needed a year to just Be...To stop...To rest... To mentally adjust to everything that I had gone though.   And figure out what a new normal might look like.  Last year my word was Wellness.  It was way past time to take care of me.  Walking a few more steps and eating a few more vegetables.  Add in a few doctor appointments.  

This year, my word is Trust.  You see some of those doctor's appointments, didn't go as planned.  In October, I finally went to the doctor for some pain I was having in my lower abdomen.  Doctor said it must be an abdominal hernia.  No big deal.  Easy-Peasy surgery and I'll be good to go.  I was sent for a CT scan to confirm.  I really was not worried.  Doctor was confident that was the issue.

Until that wasn't the issue.  It's never a good thing when doctor says they need to see you today.  The feeling of dread is pretty instant.  Those hours until my appointment went so slow.  Then, suddenly, your in the doctor's office and I was handed a list on a post-it note of everything they found in the CT scan.  Hernia was not on the list.

Enlarged spleen, cysts on ovaries, fibroid on uterus, porcelain gallbladder, kidney stones, and spot on kidneys.  I believe there might have been something else as well, but I can't remember right now.  My first thought was -- let's go back to the hernia diagnosis.  That sounds a whole lot better then the list I was just handed. 

So, next step was more tests to schedule with lots of different doctors.  MRI got scheduled and a pelvic ultrasound.  Appointment with surgeon for my gallbladder.  Appointment with urologist.  Plus a gynecology appointment scheduled Christmas Eve.  All of this happened in about 6 weeks.  All of a sudden, I went from barely going to the doctor to one appointment after another. 

On November 26th, I went in for my MRI.  The next day, I got the phone call.  The results from the MRI were already in and the doctors' called and told me over the phone that I have a renal cell carcinoma.  My brain could not wrap about it.  What??  So, I asked -- In normal English what does that mean??  Then the words -- kidney cancer.  You need to get into an urologist soon to figure out the next steps.  Hanging up that phone call and acting like everything was okay was hard.  But my mom was right there and I wasn't ready to talk about it.  I hadn't absorbed the information myself.  So, let's fake it through these next few weeks and get through the holidays.

I did, of course, Google everything that night.  Don't we all?  I did make sure and look at medical websites.  Or the ones that look like medical websites anyway.  Kidney cancer apparently does not respond to chemo or radiation. (scary thought!) That as long as it stays on the kidney, surgery should be able to remove it.  

But -- cancer?!?!  After everything that I've been through  --  that word is now my diagnosis? That word is now part of me.  Kent used to make a joke to me that he had everything but cancer.  And, here I am.   It's been over a month now and I still doesn't seem real.  It hits me every once in a while when I least expect it.  I'd be Christmas shopping and find myself crying in the isle.  Or a song in the car.  Cancer changes everything.  There is now a time before cancer.  And a time after the cancer diagnosis.  It's a marker in my life now.  That word is scary and it holds power.  My mind will go a little crazy with that word at times.  "What if" can be a scary thing.

Then I remember -- Jesus has the real power.  I am Trusting God through this.  He is the reason that I have made it this far. He is the reason that I can raise my hands to praise and sing even while I cry.  So now my "what if" is turning into an "even if."

the valley

Life does not always end up as planned.... well,at least our plan. And, since we cannot see God's plan, we hang on, pray, and trust.  Sounds all nice and pretty, doesn't it?  Something to hang on the wall.  Tie a big ribbon on it.  Something found in a Bible store.  Or a well meaning friend might say.

But, when you are in the middle of life's mess, it's hard.  Sometimes there is no relief in sight.  Sometimes it is months of silent tears.  Prayers with no answers yet.  Day by day, you hang on knowing that God has got you through hard stuff before.  Wondering why your prayers can't be answered now....today.

We all have these valleys.  This life is full of a lot of...well, crap.  Miscarriage.  Infertility. Abuse.   Death.  Job Loss.  Divorce.  Plus, so much more.  This world that we live in is not easy.  Hopefully there are many years in between the valleys.  And lots of wonderful memories with family and friends.  Laughter... laughing so hard you cry.  And moments of true rest and happiness.  But, at some point, we will be in the depth of the valley once again. 

Hopefully, when that day comes, a friend will show up to be God's arms.  To help shoulder the burden your going through.  To listen and to love you through the valley, step by step.  We all need that friend in those moments.  So, look around at the circle around you.  What struggles are they going through?  How are they really doing? 

Take the time to check on them.  Take the time to see how they are really doing.  Don't accept the generic, "fine, how are you?"  Be the friend that goes deeper.  Be God's shoulder and arms to some one struggling in your life.  Because you never know, when your path will take you into a valley.

Life's mess

It has been a long seven months since I've wrote.

Here it is almost one in the morning and my heart feels heavy...or is it an empty feeling.  I'm not sure.

I have been here before.  The bottom pit looking up.  Crying.  Yelling.  Telling God that I am not strong enough.  I am done.  I can't do it anymore.

Please don't think I'm suicidal.  I'm ready for God to meet me here.  Not for me to meet God there.  Big difference!! ;)

I am tired.  Emotionally tired and drained.  Life keeps stacking things up right now....between an unemployed husband who's health is rapidly declining, to my crazy mother, and my wonderful father-in-law who isn't eating and shrinking in front of our eyes.  I am trying to hold it all together because that's what Mom's do.

But, it's slipping a little. Kids will joke with me and I get my feelings hurt.  Not a good time to read "Me before you," but yeah, I finally did.  Ugly tears were shed. (Another one where the book is so much better than the movie.)  My nerves, my heart are just more out in the open and exposed right now. But, I know even this time can be used for good.

I know God hears my cries.  I know He has seen my tears.  I know that He has heard my heart even when I couldn't say any words out loud.  I know this because you don't reach 40 without being here before.  And God is true and He has led me through troubled waters before.

I just ask Lord, be my strength because I need You.  Guide my footsteps in the days ahead.  Fill my heart with peace as only You can.  Use me to show others Your love.

Because I know, God meets us right where we are at.  In the bottom of the pit.  In our confusion trying to make a decision.  In middle of the night with screaming baby.  When friends may leave us.  When health may fail us.  What ever mess you find yourself, God will meet us right there.  I hold tight to that promise tonight and tomorrow and the next day.

My favorite verse is a good reminder:

"those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles;  they will run and not grow weary,they will walk and not be faint."    Isaiah 40:31

Taking the cover off

Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows.  Sometimes it's just barely making it through the day.  Some days are more like a tornado tearing through your life.  Then there are days when you feel like the rain will never end.  I've learned that we are all books with different covers.  Covers... can hide something you don't want others to see.  Yet, you hope that some one will want to open it up and know what's on the inside.

Covers can hide many things.  There is of course, the beauties that are only skin deep.   There are the athletes that seem so confident but struggle with believing in themselves.  There are smart ones that feel like that will fail at everything and then get too scared to try.  There are ones that are will do anything to make some one love them.  There are also the happy ones that cry when no one is looking. 

No one's life is picture perfect.  There are moments of perfection to savor and look back on.  Moments that you wish would have lasted longer.  Those perfect moments when you look up and thank God for where you are and where He has brought you.  We all love those moments.  Those moments feel like a true connection with God.  The problems of this world fade away and the good stuff -- the blessings -- are what is left.

But, we all have moments where we feel like we are on the bottom of the stairs and we don't know if we have the energy to climb them.  It doesn't matter who we are.  It doesn't matter how rich or famous we are.  It doesn't matter how old or young we are.  There are days where the effort to climb the stairs...to deal with life and it's problems...are just too much.  You have been there.  I have been there.

But, what happens next is the important part.  It's not being at the bottom of the stairs.  The important part is what happens when you are down there.  Do you expect a person to fill that void your feeling and lift you up?  That is a high demand which they are bound to fail.  Or do you look up?  My strength comes not from me, but from Him.  God hears every cry of my heart.  He hears the words that are locked in my heart...the ones that only come out in tears.  I know, in those times, that He hears my heart.  That only He can help me up the stairs that seem so steep.  I know only He can see through what ever cover I'm hiding behind and heal the broken pieces with in me.  That place inside of you that you are trying to fill -- it's God's place.

I lift up my eyes to the hills.  From where does my help come?

My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

Psalm 121: 1-2

Be Still

Some days it is easy to find the blessings around you.  Those days where you feel your bucket overfilling spilling over.  When you just glow with happiness. You turn on the radio and it's that song you love that you haven't heard in a while.  Those days when your kids remember to say, "thank you" or "love you Momma." Those days were your gas tank isn't low and the roads are long. Then, there are the other days.....

The days when the stupid alarm won't let you sleep and it's only 5:30.  Or the other days when it some how lets you sleep and you only have 30 minutes to get everyone up and be at work.  Those days when no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to do anything right... and there are plenty of people to let you know about it.  Those days where you end the day not physically tired, but emotionally drained.  done. exhausted. The white flag is now raised, I give up.  Please leave me alone.  Let me curl up in a ball so no one can see me because I'm so small.  (My kids and I always loved that children's book)

There are circumstances when you try this and it doesn't work.  So, you try something else and you seem to slip farther away from the goal.  You must remember that sometimes God just wants you to stop and be still.  There are times when God wants total dependency on Him.  He lets us try things our way and wonder why it is not working.  That's when we cry out to God and ask for help.  That is the moment that God has been waiting for.  For you to turn to Him.  To realize that you need Him.  In the middle of the storm you are going through, just take a deep breath and be still.  God knows your circumstances and He knows your heart.  He is just waiting for that invitation.

"The Lord will fight for you, you only have to be silent."  -  Exodus 14:14

"Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  - Isiah 41:10

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety."  - Psalm 18:2

Forgiveness

"Life with God is not immunity from difficulties,

but Peace in difficulties."  --  C.S. Lewis

Where would we be without the strength and comfort of God?  I honestly don't understand how the non-believers make it through life.  Our life can be hard at times:  kids, parents, relationships, financial, health...the list can go on and on.  And if this life is all that there is, why keep going?

I did not grow up in church or in a family that prayed or even talked about God.  Did they believe in God? I am not sure.  I had friends that went to church but I never had a relationship with God myself.  For me, there was a very distinct line in my life: before God and after.  I grew up with abuse in my home.  There was always the big elephant in the middle of the room that no one dared mention.  I couldn't even tell my friends. There was little hope and I didn't understand why this happened to me.  Why is this my life?

I had to get to the bottom of my pit before I was ready. The anger I had built up.  The emptiness I felt.  The feeling of being all alone against the world as a teenager -- it was devastating.   That's where God found me.  Broken and empty.  God didn't swoop in and change my circumstances, but He gave me hope.  With God, I was able to let go of the anger and forgive even the unforgivable.  I was able to mend relationships with my family and go on from there.

I am able to see what life would be like if I had not let God heal my heart.  My brother has built walls, holds grudges, and holds on to his anger.  What has that given him?  He is missing out on being an uncle to three great kids.  He wouldn't even know Joey if he passed him on the street and we live in the same town!!  He was never there the 2 years that God gave me with my Dad before he passed away of cancer.  He never attended any doctor appointments.  He never called my dad to grab lunch.  My Dad's funeral was the last time I actually saw him. My brother doesn't have a relationship with any of his family.

Family is too precious.  I've drove many miles to watch my niece and nephew play baseball and soccer.  Baked many cookies, cheesecakes and chocolate cakes for them as well.  I would never give up my role as their favorite aunt.  :)  My adult nieces will sit by me...sometimes on me...hold my hand and catch up.  My nephew is married and hopefully be bringing a baby in family in the next couple years.  Love them!!  I can't imagine being like my brother and not having those relationships.  It makes me sad for him.  People are irreplaceable.

So is God.  That empty feeling inside your heart cannot be filled with stuff. Nor can it be filled with any person in your life. It's amazing the way God made you.  That place is reserved especially for Him. 

"Dear children, keep away
 from anything that 
might take God's 
place in your hearts."

1 John 5:21

About Perspective...

It's all about perspective...

I'm learning that lately.  Your perspective can change your attitude for the better or worse.  It can make your day longer than it needs to be.  For example, I hate going grocery shopping.  Seriously, I've even waited until we even ate most of our canned good.  Fridge was empty besides condiments.  Yeah, it was bad!  Dinners were let me say... creative! :D  Yet, God can change my perspective.  After a tight week here and there, I leave the grocery store thanking God for the food He has provided. Amazing difference, isn't it? 

Even my home is still not finished after 2 years.  Yes, I'd love to get new floors or have my bathrooms completely finished.  (our home is a fixer upper!)  Yet, I thank God every night for the gift of a home for my family.  I know what it is like to be in between places to live.  I know what it is like to move your family and while moving in, they reality company tell you that you can't move in.  (and you already gave up your lease on the other place)  So, I honestly don't take my home for granted.  I thank God every night for a home to raise my children in.  It is all about perspective.

It gets harder when cancer is involved though.  I really hate that word.  Let me tell you this love story.  It is Valentine's Day after all.  Susie and Randy were high school sweethearts.  Their families even went to the same church.  His father was a pastor.  Then life happens...They both ended up married to others with kids.  But the story does not end there!  They found each other once again!  Both no longer married.  And true love which never died was still there.  Their love for each other was evident for everyone to see.  Cancer came and took Randy just a day ago.  My heart aches for Susie.  He was only 52.  Selfishly I do wish this story had another ending.  But, I know that the only way God could heal Randy was to take him Home.  Their faith is strong.  If your perspective was of the world, the pain would be too much to go on.  To finally have your love with you, just to lose him too soon.  Yet, with God in the picture, our perspective changes to one of celebration and hope.  He is healed and whole once again and I will join him again! Amazing what God can do, isn't it?

I would really like to say my perspective is like this all the time.  But...it's not.  I'll still complain because the bathroom isn't done yet or kids won't help with the laundry without being told to do it NOW (not in a minute).  But, I have curved a few of my perspectives towards those of gratitude.  I am trying this year to keep my perspective toward Christ.  Thankfulness is a wonderful thing.

What perspectives need an adjustment in your life?

Loosing Our Way...

"Enter by the narrow gate.  For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads

to destruction, and those who enter it are many.  For the gate is narrow 

and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few." 

 Matthew 7:13-14

As we go on our Christian walk, there are times when we are not as close to God as others.  It's not God fault.  I hear people complain that God just is so distant.  He left me through this situation.  I am going through this alone.  But, God doesn't leave us or forsake us.  The Creator of this universe is waiting patiently for you and me.  We're just human.  Sometimes easy is well... easy.  Too easy to resist.  How many times do we walk away from Him??

God doesn't say the narrow way will be easy.  The Bible says it's the hard way.  It's forgiving others, even when undeserved or unasked.  It is letting go of anger.  It is making time for Him in ways like prayer and church.  It's teaching your kids about God.  It's reaching out to others with the love of God.  It's a relationship with God.  It's putting God in the center of your life...then putting the things you want in.  God first. 

"But FIRST seek the kingdom of God and His righteousness..."   Matthew 6:33

"For those that live according to the flesh set their minds on the things

 of the flesh, but those that live according to the Spirit set their mind 

on things of the Spirit.."   Romans 8:5

If you are reading this and you feel a distance between you and God.  Know deep inside your heart that God loves you.  As messed up as you can get.  He loves you.  He loves the way you look first thing in the morning.  You know why?  Because you are His child.  HIS!  And know something else too.  Just know that we have all been there.  We all go through periods in our Christian walk that we wonder off a bit.

 The main thing is getting back on that narrow path. Nurture your relationship with God.  How? The same way you nurture your relationships here on this earth.  You spend time with Him.  He is waiting with open arms just for you.

Little Eyes Looking At Us

It feels like it's been forever since I've been able to write on here! My computer was on the brink and I just don't like to write at the library. But, I am back y'all! :)  To catch everyone up, lets see... kids are now in school.  For the first time, I didn't get a first day of school picture.  :(  I think one of mine was still in bed moaning when I left for work actually!  I now have a junior, sophomore, and a 7th grader.  My kids are getting bigger and older, hopefully I am getting a bit wiser.  One thing I realize, it doesn't matter how big they get  ---  little eyes are always watching me.

I know today that I am one of the most important examples for my children to look up to.  How I treat others is how they learn to treat others.  What is important to me is what will become important to them.  And we all know that action speaks louder than words.... So, what is important to me?  And to them??

How should I even begin to unravel these questions?  To me, something of importance is something that you do even when it's not convenient.  Let's look at an example.  One of the first things that pops in my mind is the importance of God and church.  So, how am I proving this to my kids? They know when I am struggling with problems, I am praying to God.  I am leaning on His strength. Sometimes it is in the little things.   Like for example, I have to set my alarm for church.  I love to sleep or lounge in my pj's.  But, I have a weekly alarm for me to get up and ready for church.  I make small group night a priority.  I  co-teach a class for junior high.  My kids see in my actions every week that God and church is a priority. Now, even when I am dragging and my pj's are feeling a little too comfy on Sunday morning, my kids are pushing me to get me up and ready because they are ready to go.  They have God and church as a priority in their life now.

Another subject of importance for me would be serving others.  That is why we volunteer.  That's why I am on the youth board.  That's why we help before we are asked.  My kids now have a heart for service.  They love to get out there and help others.  I know that if I didn't take them to nursing homes and bake cookies for firemen when they were little, it would seem odd to them now.  Seeing my children serve others makes me so proud.

I am not a perfect mother.  I have moments that I am not proud of.  But, those big things like God, service, and family are a priority in my life.  I don't just talk about them and their importance.  I show my kids with my actions, that they are important.  What are your examples showing your kids?  What is important to you?  Work?  Yourself?  A bigger home?  A new car?  Are you showing by example that God and church doesn't matter?  Remember, actions speak louder than words.  What do your actions say?

Frustration

Frustrated.

That's where I find myself.  I am an opinionated person.  I'll admit that.  However, I usually talk about it with a few people and keep it to myself around others.  I am not good at confronting my source of frustration.  I bury it until I get to this point and I want to explode.  Yes, I do know it's not the healthiest way of dealing with things.  :D

Also know that it's not the attitude that I should have.  We are supposed to be like God.  God puts up with a lot from us... from me.  Yet, He loves me through it all.  He doesn't throw up His hands with me and walk away. 

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 

or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 

 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing,  but  rejoices with the truth. 

 Love bears all things, believes  all things, hopes all things, 

endures all things."  1 Corinthians 13:4-7

That is a lot to live up to.  Love is long suffering.  Frustration is short-tempered.  But, I am human and sometimes this world makes it hard to be here.  Sometimes people make it hard.  Sometimes I get tired of biting my tongue and going with the flow.  What am I supposed to do?  Give it all to Him. 

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly

 in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy,

 and my burden is light.”  1 Matthew 11:28-29

 So, I am trying.  Right now, honestly, I am not there yet.  I don't want to bury it until it pops back up later.  I want to let go of it.  I'll get there.  Just not today....

 "casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

Homeschool VS Public

God has put this one my heart for a while, but I've really, well, put off talking about it.  It seems that lot of people recently have switched over to the home-school idea and don't give our schools the praise they deserve.  Public schools get a bad rap.  So, here are my two cents.  Take it what you will but if you have something negative to say, I'll just remind you that we all have a right to our own opinions and this is just my own.  These are just think from my perspective.

When my children were smaller, I was a big reader to them.  As they grew, I taught them A, B,C's and numbers.  I taught them sounds for each letter so we could put together words.  Even beginning addition.  Before kindergarten, Joey knew all of that as well as could write his name and color in the lines beautifully.  Luke did have a few learning issues but I worked even harder with him.  Faith was even reading BEFORE kindergarten.  She was 4 years old and reading books to her babydolls.  Did I think about homeschooling them at this point since they are doing so well thus far?  Maybe for a moment but I looked at the positives and negatives.

Homeschooling...they can learn on their level and at their own pace.  That means I can spend more time helping Luke and I can really push Joey and Faith.  But...I look at what they give up by being at home all of the time.  First thing that comes to my mind now (that they are teenagers) would be the extra stuff.  The stuff that make going to school worth it when you their age.

Joey is loves being a tuba player!  This opens up opportunities for learning things like how much hard practice is worth it.  He is going to New York City and will play patriotic songs in front of the Statue of Liberty.  AWESOME!  He also enjoys yearbook and has always loved history.  He even got selected to go on a history tour in Washington, Jamestown, ect. in junior high.   He is taking a college history class this year and pre-ap english.  Luke is taking a metal (welding) class and a construction class this year.  Each year will build on his skills.  Even looking at Faith.  She has art and music and PE.  Yes, I love arts and crafts but would I have her try to paint a bowl of apples to learn perspective?  Or different art styles?  Nope, it would be more of the pinterest ideas! LOL  Or try different instruments to see what she could be good at?  There are SO many extra things they learn besides math, english, science, and history.  (Even in science, they are getting out the microscope out and working on slides.) This is just the stuff they enjoy.  The things that help them figure out who they are.  The stuff that makes learning real.

Then, there is the social aspect.  My kids would have each other.  They would have other family members.  They would also have the kids from church.  Yes, they could be a part of library groups or such.  There little bubble would be very small and that's why a lot of parents like home schooling.   They want that control over who influences their child.  And honestly, the more I read the Bible.  The more I know that is not what Jesus would want.  (I know everyone is freaking out right now!)   God would want you to let Him have control of that.  Let God and Let God.  Jesus was out there.  He didn't shelter himself from the rest of the world.  He was out there with the disease.  With the dirty.  With the sinners.  He didn't just surround himself with the 12 disciples and say, "okay, guys, you go do this but I'm staying right here."  No, He showed the 12 how to have a servants heart.  How can be be a light in this world when the only thing we are lighting is own little circle?  Yes, there are bullies in this world.  Yes, even my own kids have been picked on.  But, you know what?  They have the opportunity to show God's love to kids that may not have ever seen it... on a daily basis!  That is how I started going to church years ago.  With friends.  What if their parents decided to place them in the safe bubble?

Do I get frustrated with the system?  Of course.  Even the teachers do.  There are some awesome teachers that I know who want to pull their hair out at things as well.  But they go to work each day knowing they are there to make a difference.  I have had to fight for Luke so much that I am naturally defensive at any of his IEP meetings.  I am always ready to stand up for him.  Honestly, now that Faith is bigger, I am even frustrated at the other end.  My daughter is in middle school and not being challenged hardly at all.  Easy straight A's.   But, I don't look at public school as a drop off and it is the teacher's job to do it all.  First and foremost, it is my job.  God has given me these three kids to do the best possible for them.  So, you know what I have always done?  I work with Luke on his reading at home.  Or his vocab.  Or math.  It is my responsibility to help my child.  Faith is bored.  You know what?  We work on algebra at home for "fun".  (yeah she likes it!)  Public school is a partnership with parents.  Not a drop off baby sitter. 

I have always said that if things got too rough for Luke, I would home school him without a second thought.  Joey and Faith would still be in public school even then.  I know there are special circumstances.  I have a friend that home schools her kids because she lives in such a town and she knows from experience that you can skip more days than your in school and still pass just fine. LOL  She wants a better education than what she got and that is great.  But I also know a sweet family that home schools because she doesn't want to be away from her children that much.  She even plans on doing on line college classes so I am not sure when they will actually face the real world.  I know that if they took the same tests as my kids, they wouldn't be passing.  So, it's really a disservice to her kids.  Sad.

My kids are big now.  I can look at what they are learning and it is SO much more than one person could do at home.  They are getting to experience teachers that are good at their subject,  showing my kids how to do it.  I could not show them everything they are learning.  They are becoming well rounded people who live in the real world.  Yes, they know there are bullies in life.  Yes, some of them have even seen teen pregnancy, gays, and drugs.   But, I wouldn't change it.  My kids are able to be light in the middle of sin.  They are able to be in the middle of the mess man has created and learn to not judge.  When my kids step out into the world on their own, not only will they be able to remember what the Bible says because they learned it in Church and at home (where it should be), they will be able to handle the real world as it really is.

Luke 15:1-7 " Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to 

hear him.  And the Pharisees and the scribes grumbled, saying, “This man 

receives sinners and eats with them.”  So he told them this parable:  “What

 man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not

 leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost,

 until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, 

rejoicing.  And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his 

neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that 

was lost.’ Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner

 who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance."

Life is Precious

"For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, 

whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord's."  Romans 14:8

Life is precious.

Whether it is in the miracle of life....

Or the homecoming of death.  
Life is precious.

There are times in our lives when God reminds us of this gift.  Reminds us not to take it for granted.  It usually takes something big to get our attention.  The little stuff seems to go unnoticed.  So, God will use something big to turn our eyes and hearts on Him....where it should have been this whole time.  God has been using others to remind my heart of this.

One of my own reminders:  My daughter has a friend her own age, Alyssa, who has been through so much.  Her pancreas has never worked right.  This summer, her family went to Minnesota for a huge pancreatectomy surgery.  Alyssa has been there over 20 days now.  She has had a rough time.  She has been in pain.  Recovery will take God's healing and some time.  Please add Alyssa and her family to your prayer list.  I cannot imagine how hard it is for her parents right now. God's strength is holding them up right now.  Life is precious...

Another reminder would have to do with cancer, of course.  A sweet lady, Kathy, has been fighting cancer for some time.  She has such a strength given to her by God.  A light from within that cannot be diminished.  Kathy has went for another scan and the cancer which was in remission, has shown it's ugly face once again.  Radiation will begin again.  Another one of God's children in need of prayer.  And, another example of  how precious Life is.
 

When we reach the end of our rope, we see God more clearly.  He has been there the whole time.  How else would we have made it this far?  Our troubles are but a moment...just a blink of an eye... when we get to the other side.  Until that day, we have a Savior that will be with us step by step and day by day.  A God stronger than anything this world can give us.  

 
"Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes."  James 4:13-14

Meaning of Easter

It is the Easter season once again.  Hard to believe it is only a couple days away.   Usually I am decorating with spring colors by now.  Thinking of Easter clothes or spring pictures.  Filling colorful eggs with chocolate and gummies.  This year my heart is heavy with the burdens of the world.

So many people are struggling with cancer.  Mothers and Fathers will soon be saying their good-byes to their children and grandchildren.  It is so difficult to lose a parent, no matter how old we are.  Kent and I keep thinking about our Grandma as well.  She is in her 90's and fading faster it seems.  Last year, our aunt heard her talking to Jesus in her room.  She told Him that Easter would be a good time because, after all, You died for us.  (gave us the hint who she's talking too!)  Now, with Easter among us, we keep going back to that conversation.  We keep wondering if it will happen soon.  I saw her on my birthday and the thought hit me that this could be the last time I see her alive.  I made sure that I gave her a hug and told her I love her.  There is also a precious baby girl that will soon be back in the hands of Jesus.  A kiss on her small delicate  newborn head just to let her know she is loved by many breaks my heart.   God has a way of talking to you through music and I had my Mark Shultz CD in.  This song came on after I saw her:

 "Then something died inside of me to sit with him and hear
The tests that said our baby may not live to be a year
Then turnin' to my wife and he said "whatcha you wanna do?"
And she said...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna hold her hand
I wanna be her mom for as long as I can
And I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved"

What it means to be loved by M. Shultz

My heart just aches.  The ugly tears and stuffy nose has once again hit.  I am so thankful and blessed that we serve a risen savior.  It is because Jesus arose on the third day, that I know I'll see these loved ones one again.  It is because He LIVES that I have hope.  This year, the joys of Easter traditions have seemed to escape me.  It has left me with the true meaning of Easter.

"Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone!

Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives!"

Because He lives by Bill & Gloria Gaither

Hope for the Weary

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my 

righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:20

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them,

for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave

you or forsake you."   Deuteronomy 31:6

"You will forget your misery; you will remember it as waters that 

have passed away.  And your life will be brighter than the noonday;

its darkness will be like the morning.  And you will feel secure, 

because there is hope; you will look around and take your rest in 

security."  Job 11:16-18

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for

welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you 

will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You 

will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.  I will

be found by you..."   Jeremiah 29:11-14

There is a season of trials taking place in lives of several church  families.   A time to lean on God to sustain us day by day.  Cancer will soon be taking a father/grandfather home.  Another woman going through radiation because of something found in her breast.  We have another woman in our church still in the hospital after an accident.  We have some wonderful parents still unsure of the outcome of their baby.  Another couple that would make wonderful parents but having troubles conceiving.  There is also a family that will be leaving us to move for husband's work.  There is so much pain right now as we try to understand God's will for our lives.  And to accept His will as what is best.

I lift these lives and families up to you, Lord.  May you have Your hand in 

each life.  Lord, I know that your are the Great Physician and that only

You can heal our weary bodies.  I just ask that Your will be done and that 

you give us the peace to accept it.  Please, Lord, let these families feel

Your love and comfort as only You can give.  I know that many reading this

 are going  through their own trials.   Many are going through them alone.

 I pray that they will feel Your presence in their life and the hope that only 

You can provide.  Amen.

A Mother's Tears for the Unborn: Part 2

During this time, I still had two small boys at home.  Luke would have been around 2 and Joey about 3 1/2.  I wouldn't let them do the d&c they wanted.  Looking back, I think my denial was so large that I just couldn't imagine it actually being true.  I really thought that she was fine.  This baby would be healed and a miracle.  My doctor sat down and talked to me.  He was trying to get it across to me that I was too far along.  The pain would be too great.  I wouldn't budge.  So, they sent me home with prescriptions for some large pain pills.  They also made me an appointment for 4 weeks away at the hospital.  If I did not miscarry naturally by that time, they would do the d&c to make sure I didn't get sick.

For that month, I stayed busy during the day with my boys.  A constant prayer in my heart regarding my baby.   I got a few pats on the back from people saying they heard what happened and they were sorry.  During the boys nap time, I would go into the nursery and sit in my rocking chair.  I remember getting her dresses out and laying them on my belly.  Or just cuddling with her blanket.  Each day, nothing would happen.  No cramps.  No bleeding.  I just knew everything would be okay.  I would talk to her.  Pray to God.  My will was too strong at that time.  For I didn't want the will of my Father, I wanted my will for my child.  Forgetting that first and foremost, she was His all along.  That song by Phil Collins in the Tarzan movie would play...."Now stop your crying, it will be alright."   then it goes on to say, "You'll be in my heart.  Yes, you'll be in my heart.  Always."   The words are written at the bottom.  The words show so much love between mother and child.

The day finally came.  The next morning was my appointment at the hospital.  I asked for mercy from God.  I didn't want  the doctors to take my baby.  I would always wonder if they took her.  I wanted God let it happen naturally if I was going to lose my baby girl.  No doubts.  No wondering.  That night, after I put my boys to bed, my water broke for the first time (and only time) naturally in the kitchen.  I cried and cried because I knew this was it.

My labor had begun.  Yes, I did grab my pain pills but it was like taking an aspirin.  It kinda my my mind hazy but didn't help the pain.  So, what do I do?  I take more.  God was with me that night.  No other way to explain it.   I didn't call for help.  I didn't want to wake the boys up from sleep.  I remember thinking that.  My boys don't need to see all this blood.  They can't wake up and see me like this.  So, I went through hours silently.  My mom would later be so mad because I didn't even call her or go to the hospital when so much could have gone wrong.  I just remember not wanting to wake my boys up.  I didn't think of what could have to me. 

With God's help, I made it through that night.  I thought the hardest part would be done.  But... it wasn't.  Those days afterwards.  I remember driving with my boys to the library or to the store and that song would come on the radio.  By the time  the first line in the song was through, I would start crying.  By the end, I would have to pull over on the side of the road from crying so hard.  I knew then, that the hard part was just beginning.

You'll Be In My Heart

By Phil Collins

Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand
Hold it tight

I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry

For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here
in my heart always
Always

Cries of a Mother: Part 1

One never knows how news will affect us.  For my own family, it was just another Tuesday.  Another day at work.  Another day at school.  For friends of ours, it was a day changed their lives.  Friends of ours found out that their beautiful baby they are expecting next month has a rare disorder. The survival rate is low.  I know that God can work a miracle and heal her.  Times like these it is hard to say "Your will be done" when deep inside you just want everything to be alright.

I cried all afternoon.  Cries from one mother for another mother intended for God's ears alone.  This news took me back to another day about twelve years ago.  A day that our own lives changed.  It was a normal check up.  My pregnancy was going great.  After being so sick for all nine months with the boys, I finally had a glow with a pregnancy.  :)  I had some cute little dresses ready.  A soft, lavender blanket just waiting for my baby girl.  Her name was Destiny.  Isn't it pretty?

First thing was during the appointment a heartbeat check.  No biggie right?  Except that it was silent.  The nurse went out and got the doctor.  The doctor checked for it as well.  Silence.  I remember tears starting to fall as realization started to hit.  The doctor called down to the emergency room and down I went for a special ultrasound.  I prayed and prayed all the way.  They had to be wrong.  They just missed it.  I knew the ultrasound would find my baby to be just fine.

I was wrong.  My baby's heartbeat was gone.   Automatically they want to talk about doing a D & C.  I was too far along.  The baby was too big.  I couldn't do it.  I told the doctor if God wanted her back, then He has to take her. They couldn't have her.  So, they made me an appointment for 4 weeks away to check on me.  I still held out hope that they were wrong.  God would find a way to heal her.  I would sit in my rocking chair, hold her clothes next to me, and talk to her.  Talk with God.  Cry. I felt so alone. 

All those moments came back to me today.   Tears keep falling for my friend.  That pain is so hard to understand.  I pray for the Great Physician to bring His healing touch to this baby and family.  I know, Lord, that You want only the best for us.  Please keep this family in your prayers during this time.

"The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower."  Psalms 18:2

Great Faith

The faith of a mustard seed.

In Matthew 17:20, God assures us that is all that it takes to do the impossible.

I love the story in Matthew 8.   A man asked Jesus to heal his servant.  Jesus said, "I will come and heal him."  The man goes on to say he is not worthy for Jesus to be under his roof, "but just the word only, and my servant will be healed."  This man's faith is so powerful.  He did not need proof.  He did not need Jesus to even touch his servant.  Just speak it Lord, and it will be done.  Even Jesus marveled at his great faith.  And because of his great faith, the servant was healed.

To me, that is amazing.  You see my faith has grown through the years.  It has take a lot of trials in my life to build up my faith.  I don't know where my faith would be without those things.  Would I be like a babe needing milk?  Only beginning my journey and walk with God?

Remember the story of the storm in Matthew, Mark, and Luke?  Jesus disciples followed Him into a boat.  Jesus falls asleep and storm comes.  Waves are crashing onto the boat.  The disciples start to freak out.  They wake Jesus up asking him if he even cares they are perishing.   What does Jesus say?  "Have you still so little faith?"

Where are you with your walk with God?  In the parable of the seeds in Luke 8, some seeds were thrown among the path and trampled.  Has your faith been trampled by the world?  Some seeds fell upon a rock.  No place to develop roots and once a storm came upon,  they where washed away.  Is your faith shallow right now because there just isn't enough time to develop your relationship with Christ?  Is it because you are not willing to let go of something in order to make the time needed?  Some seeds fell among the thorns and got choked out and could not grow.  Is there just too much of the world in your life and not enough Christ?  Some seeds fell upon fertile ground and where able to bloom.  Are you nurturing your relationship with God?  Do you spend time with Him daily?

I pray that my heart will be a fertile ground for God's word and God's will to grow.  I pray that my faith will continue to grow  so that I might be a light to others in this world.