A Bump In The Road...

 Well, it has been a few months since my last post.  Thankful to say that my last blood work and ultrasound with my kidney doctor turned out normal.  So, I am good for another 6 months.  I also turned 50 just a few days ago.  Before last year - I definitely would not have actually wrote that.  But, having a year of surgeries and recovery put things in perspective.  I am thankful to have made it through everything to be here. I am thankful for God's protection to catch problems before they are not fixable.  I actually told one of my children last year that if I made it through everything - I wanted a big birthday party for my 50th.  Well, that didn't happen....probably because I didn't plan it! 😄  

But my hope for a quite, calm year without any health issues - has a bit of a kink in my plans.  The beginning of the month, actually March 10th, my left foot started swelling.  I was at school and by my lunch break, my straps on my Chaco's were tight.  By the end of the day, my foot reminded me of my pregnant preeclampsia days.  I came up with lots of excuses not to go to the doctor.  I tried compression socks for a couple days.  I waited a whole week before going.  My foot never would go back to normal.  It was continually puffy throughout the week.  I could only wear my Teva's because the Velcro is a lot easier to adjust.

During my doctor's appointment the following week, she automatically drew bloodwork.  Which was St. Patrick's Day and Krispy Kreme had green glazed donuts for the holiday.  Which I thought would be great to share with work friends...   which did not help my sugar levels in my bloodwork. Just being honest here! 😁  Anyway - she also ordered an echocardiogram because fluid retention usually means a heart issue. 

March 25th was my echocardiogram.  The day after my 50th birthday.  As I was laying there and she was putting that jelly on my listening and taking pictures of my heart -- my thoughts went to all of the times that I was there when they did this to Kent.  My prayer was just not this Lord.  Not me.  I have seen what heart disease does.  I am a widow because of this.  All the thoughts going through my head while I laid there trying to hold it together.  The lady assured me that if it was too bad, she would get a cardiologist in there during appointment.  When she let me get dressed and ready to go, I joked that it must have been good because no on was rushing in here.  She just smiled and said, "for now."

My bloodwork came back and she also ran a heart test, the PROBNP, N Terminal.  Which normal is <125.  Mine came back <36.  Looking that up, and it seems like a positive number.  Then 24 hours later, the results came back from my echo on my Mercy App.  LV function is normal and no significant valvular disease.   🙌  Now going through and reading what the cardiologist wrote - my LV number is a low normal (55%).   I am just taking a deep breath right now.  My heart does not seem to be the issue.  My boys have been good to me knowing that this is bothering me a whole lot more than I am letting on or talk about.  It has brought up too many memories.

I still have no answers.  My foot is still sore and swelling.  I am currently waiting on another referral for another test or ultrasound.  I don't have any answers.  But - I do know who has held me together each day when I didn't know how I'd make it.  He was there at my lowest and my hardest. God will get me through this as well. 

Waiting Once Again...

I'm ready for a stroll in the park.  The breeze cooling me off.  The smell of honeysuckle in the air.  Squirrels chasing each other.  Birds making beautiful music.  Sounds wonderful, doesn't it?  Unfortunately, Life doesn't work that way.

Life's road is so uncertain. The paths are unclear. The destination is unknown.  There are steep inclines where we huff-and-puff, putting one step in front of the other. It's hard work, but no one said it would be easy.  I am thankful for God which guides my steps and the prayers of faithful friends.

Kent's heart cath was done last week.  And, there wasn't any new blockages.  Most would read that and be thankful and relieved.  I just couldn't.  I cried.  I just want my husband fixed.  Is that so bad?  He often has pressure on his chest when he lays down and can't get comfortable.  He couldn't even walk down the street with my daughter and I with the dog.  (I'm not a speed racer...I'm the, o' look there's a squirrel and look at that pretty flower)  How can that doctor tell me that there is not a problem??  Of course, now that the doctor has told him this ~ everything is fine.  I'm making too big of deal over it.  I'm being dramatic.  But, I know different.  So hard to convince a man!

I am not sure where the next step is.  I am just waiting right now.  I am waiting to see what God puts in front of us...where He guides our steps. 

God, Our Healer

"And he came down with them
and stood on a level place, with
a great crowd of his disciples
 and a great multitude of people
from all Judea and Jerusalem
and the seacoast of Tyre
 and Sidon, who came to hear
 him and to be healed of their
diseases. And those who were
 troubled with unclean spirits
were cured.  And all the crowd  
sought to touch him, for power
 came out from him and healed
them all." ~ Luke 6:17-19 ESV

God, our great physician.  Our healer in times of trouble.
  I still believe that God heals.

It is hard to watch some one suffer.  I watched my Dad suffer from cancer.  And, go from moments of hope and joy...  To moments of despair.  To the point where the hard reality sets in.  And all those emotions in between.  The pain he had to suffer daily.  There comes a point when we realize that it is not in God's plan to heal his sick body.  But, to take him away from the pain.  God's healing does not always include healing these physical bodies.  We just have to be ready to accept God's plan knowing that it's for the best.

I am there once again.  Asking for God's healing.  For years, I have asked for God to heal Kent's broken body.  Through the years, we have gotten temporary fixes...more medication...more stints.  I've watched his health get worse.  I've seen my husband that was always outside doing something get more and more tired.  It's hard on him... and me...and the kids.  Tomorrow, Kent goes in for another heart cath in the afternoon.  My prayer is for healing.

My prayer to our Great Physician:

Lord, I ask for his healing.  Your will, not my own.  Whether his broken body can be fixed or not ~ I just want him healed.  I want him to feel better.  To feel like himself.  To be able to run again.   Lord, You are my husband's healer.  You are our strength.  With You, anything is possible.  Please be with the doctors tomorrow.  Be with my husband tomorrow.  Lord, fill him with a peace and comfort that only You can provide.  I thank You for all that You will do.  In Jesus Name, Amen.

My Strength

“For I, the Lord your God,
hold your right hand;
it is I who say to you,
 Fear not, I am the one
who helps you.”

Isaiah 41:13 ESV

I look around and feel so small at times.  I look around at the problems we are facing...the ones my family and friends are facing... and I am, well, I am just me.  I feel overwhelmed.  Angry.  Frustrated.  Sad.  Confused.  All of those human emotions go through me.  I am very thankful that my help...my strength through all of this, is not of this world. 

I don't pretend to understand why friends have to have fertility issues when a drug user has several children she doesn't care about.  I don't understand why friend's have to go in for a breast biopsy because the scans are not normal.  I don't understand why my husband has to go through a possible by-pass surgery when he is in his 40's.  I don't understand a lot of things.  But, I do know some one that sees the whole picture.

Through these situations, God's love and strength keeps us going.  His comfort through His word and through others makes things bearable.  Right now, I must continue to walk in faith knowing that He is guiding my steps... knowing that He is in control.  I must hand these situations, my family, and friends into His loving arms knowing that His goodness and strength will prevail. 

Five Minute Friday: Together

It is that time once again.  To write unscripted ...un-edited (besides spell check! LOL)  for five minutes.  The topic today:  Together

S T A R T

I know what your thinking....a duck...what does that have to do with anything??  But, this is a momma' duck waiting for that last little duckling to wake up and crack through the shell.  She didn't leave her nest when I was squatting right next to her taking her picture.  I SO wanted to try to pet her then I thought how much I liked my finger!

Many times I feel like that duck.  Waiting.  I'm waiting on God's next step.  I'm waiting to see what happens next.  I want to protect my family.  Yet, I realize more and more that I have no control over protecting my family.  Besides not running in the street and don't put your fingers in light sockets ~ well, even then ~ God's in control.  God's protecting my family even when I think it's me. 

And God will continue to protect us through this next step.  Kent's heart cath is on May 2nd.  The doctor seems to have forgotten how bad it is in there.  He basically told us today that he'll stint him up and he'll be done.  But, we know from last year, that there is good chance a stint won't fix it.  That a by-pass will be happening on May 2nd.  We are trying to get mentally ready for it.  Then, if something happens and we get good news that a stint will fix it ~ it's even better! :)  The nurse (not the regular nurse) even said that if the doctor doesn't have to do anything, Kent will go home in a couple hours.  Kent and I both laughed at that one! Honestly we did.  The nurse looked at us a bit funny. 

We walk together with God.  Always.  He guides our ways.  He knows our future and has our best interest in mind.  God's there through the joy and the pain.  I know He will walk with my family through this next step.  There's no one we'd rather be together with.

S T O P

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be

frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with

you wherever you go.” ~ Joshua 1:9 ESV

T H O R N S

"...Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was
given a thorn  in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.
 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my
 power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the

 more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on
 me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in
hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak,
 then I am strong. "   2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Thorns.  Paul didn't understand why.  He cried out to God.  He pleaded to God.  I don't understand. The three-letter word, "WHY?", has come from my lips numerous times.  I'm guessing that you don't either.  What ever thorn that you are bearing....

Thorns of Infertility

Thorns of Miscarriage

Thorns of Divorce

Thorns of Diabetes

Thorns of Autism

Thorns of Cancer

Thorns of Heart Disease

But, God knows each of our thorns.  He knows our pain....and confusion.  He sees the big picture.  The one we are unable to see.  He knows how this thorn we are going through will make HIM shine brighter.  God may choose to take away your thorn.  Although, that is not a guarantee.  I have been through many of thorns listed myself.  Miscarriage.(at 5 months)  Diabetes (mother, husband, numerous others)  Autism (my son) Cancer (my Dad) Heart Disease (my husband)  Not all of the thorns have been healed and removed.  (YET, I still believe MY GOD CAN HEAL)

In fact, my husband is struggling with this right now.  His thorns are too much at times.  He is in his 40's.  He has Asthma, Heart Disease, and Diabetes.  Of course with those things come high blood pressure and cholesterol. (that just on his own!)  We would love to find a wonderful Dr. Oz that wants to help him get off of the medication instead of just giving him another one.  That hasn't happened.  He has 3 or 4 stints in his heart already.  The doctor told him just last year, the next step is bypass surgery.  Now, that is looking like a reality.  A near future kinda reality...not in the distance.  He has been actually using his nitros...not just loosing them.  :(  He has a heart doctor appointment on Friday which I am going.  (by the time he get's home ~ he'll have the doc saying everything is just fine! lol)

The thorns my husband must bear are daily reminders that this world is not our home.  I don't understand why some must bear many thorns.  While others seem to breeze by.  Maybe they are just better at acting like everything is fine?  I am not sure.   I am just thankful that our Savior sees the big picture.  And through this next journey, He will be with us every step of the way.  If you could, please add Kent to your prayer list.  Thank you.

Waiting...Again

The waiting game....I've never been very good at it. Maybe a reason God has given me a child that I've had to acquire this skill for?? That's my thinking anyway. He has paired us together for a number of reasons I'm sure. And here we are again...waiting. Children's Hospital in Little Rock does not want you to call them. Nope ~ when you do call, you get the run around because your supposed to wait for them to call you. Their receptionists are very good at their jobs as well. Maybe they were telemarketers for training? :D I've been through that before when we were trying to get Luke a diagnoses. And, apparently it doesn't matter if your son has a hole in his heart and a partial blockage starting. You still have to wait for that phone call.

I called our family doctor today to see if they had a different number that I could call to find out more information for Luke. (a direct line would be GREAT!) Well, they just got a fax this morning from Little Rock with Luke's appointment on it. Seriously? It really would help if you want to see my child ~ to actually let ME know about it. My nurse figured that I was on some list to be called about it. The good news is that I'll be able to take Luke to the place in Lowell again to meet the pediatric heart surgeon for this appointment. Little Rock can wait! Of course, Luke was a bit disappointed because he likes to go down there to visit his cousins. Our doctor appointment is not until the end of September. That's a long wait to me. And, of course, during the school year, not the summer. Apparently, from the looks of his EKG, they know that it can wait. (more good news!) My thinking is this: if it was serious ~ I'd be making a trip to the Children's Hospital this week. So, I am in my positive thinking mode today! :) I am positive that God is in control. And ~ we will wait...again.

"Our soul waits for the Lord;
He is our help and our shield.
For our heart is glad in Him;
because we trust His Holy name.
Let your steadfast love, Oh Lord,
be upon us, even as we hope in you."

Psalm 33:20-22

Always Luke. . .

It just seems like it always falls to Luke. Joey is healthy. Faith is healthy. When something happens, it falls on Luke. This is the first summer my kids are going to camp. So, one of the first things they need are physicals. Faith did fine and she didn't need any shots so she was being so sympathetic to her brothers by dancing around. Joey did fine although he had to get shots. Then, it was Luke's turn. He got his two shots as well. And then, they found a heart murmur. At that point, I really didn't think a lot about it. He's had it since birth and I kinda' remember his pediatrician saying it but saying not to worry about it. He never did any other testing. Plus, Kent has one. I hear of people all of the time with hear murmurs. No biggie, right?

But, with all of the health factors affecting not only adults but becoming more common in children, they want to have it checked out. We schedule our EKG once school is over the next week. Luckily, we have a branch of the Arkansas Children's Hospital close to us so we didn't have to travel to Little Rock again. Have you ever seen one of those EKG's? In some of those pictures, Luke and I saw that mask that is on those Scream movies. Very weird. I have never seen one before even with all of Kent's heart disease. It took a little over an hour. They told his that it gets sent to a pediatric heart specialist in Little Rock and they send the results back to the family doctor in a few days.

I went today and they told me that Luke does have a small hole. They said that it is fairly normal spot. It is a hole babies need while they are in the womb but closes naturally after a few months of birth. Usually. Of course, not with Luke. I naturally looked it up online and it sounded as okay as a hole in the heart can but then at the bottom the article said that it is common to find in stroke patients and often have other heart defects. Greeaat! I don't even want to think about that one!

Also, when reading through the report, I'm thinking okay...sounding good....this works normal....we can do this....this is normal...we're almost to the end of the report...we're going to make it.....Nope. Almost the last sentence in the report is, "early bifurcation of left circumflex." Yeah, if your like me, you hit another tab on the computer and type that in to see what that means in English. And if you do, you will find that Luke already is starting a blockage in his left coronary artery. Seriously?!?! He is only 12 years old! So, this week, I get to make an appointment with a pediatric heart surgeon and find out what other tests he wants to run.

I really don't understand. Why does it always have to be Luke? Doesn't he have enough on his plate? Isn't autism and learning disabilities enough? Do we have to add food allergies and asthma? He also has foot problems and hearing/ear doctors. Did we really need to add heart disease to his list? I know that it is not for me so say. And, I also know that there is a greater plan that I cannot see. I have reassured Luke of that several times through the years. There is a reason. God does have a plan. But ~ it so hard for Luke because he knows he is different. I've told Luke before that he must be a very strong person for God to keep giving him things to handle. I just pray that I am.

"I will say to the Lord, 'My refugee and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'

For He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and the deadly pestilence.

He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings you will you will find refuge;

And His faithfulness is a shield and buckler."

Psalm 91:2-4

Busy Week

It's been one of those weeks. Actually, to be honest ~ just a long few days that have seemed to last. :) Kent had been having some heart pain especially since January. Usually things with some exertion, like walking/hiking and stairs. It would come and go. Then, it starting lasting longer. Once we went back to his heart doctor, we got a heart cath scheduled for Wednesday. We had to be there by 10 and his procedure was supposed to be at noon. Of course, it was around two when he went back. They were supposed to go through his arm and they did try it. It just didn't work and they had to go through his leg anyway. About an hour and a half later, the doctor came out. He suggestion was double bypass surgery. If we decided against that, he could put two stints in the one artery 70% clogged. It didn't take me but a few seconds to go with option 2. Kent was not ready for a bypass. We were on schedule to get the stints done the next morning.

The next morning, we find out that Kent is not being rushed back before appointments start. He is actually going to be dinning with the hospital for breakfast and lunch, then having the stints put in around 5ish. That makes for a long day.... Kent wasn't feeling good. In fact, he had a 102 degree fever. We were worried they would prolong it and not do the stints. They had to do blood work and chest scans to check for infection. Finally around one or two, the doctor came in and said that the surgery could continue as scheduled. We were so thankful. The time came around and we had to pack up everything because we were not coming back to the same room. To the waiting room we went.

The surgery took a little over an hour. Two stints were successfully placed in his clogged artery. We were moved into a different room for the second night. Kent had to lay flat on his back with his leg straight for over 7 hours! But, he is now walking around with 4 stints keeping the plumbing to his heart open. It was a long night, but we woke up knowing that if things went well ~ we'd finally be going home! Just don't know how good a hot shower feels until your washing your hair in the sink and using wash cloths! YUCK! We got home around 1:30 in the afternoon. Guess the first thing I did? Yep, one hot shower! Kent took a 3 hour nap. (I wonder if he'll sleep tonight now.) I got the kids and a rotisserie chicken for supper and came home. We watched the movie Grease together. Cuddled with my daughter. And tonight ~ I get to sleep in my bed. (not a recliner!!) It took some faith that it would be okay. It took a lot of prayers from family and friends. But ~ in the middle of both of those things ~ it took God. Just like always.