Journey With Jen

 It's really hard to believe that it's September and I haven't wrote in months.  I haven't wrote since Covid took over the world.  I haven't even wrote about my baby girl graduating.  So, much to catch up on.  But, that will have to be for another night.  Tonight, God has been speaking truth to me as I've been debating somethings.  God's truth brings peace and clarity.  After all, there are times in our lives when we are full and have so much to give.  Times when God's truth and light just comes from within us.  Times when praying comes easy.   Then there are other times when praying are the tears running down our face.  Times when clarity isn't there and peace is no where in sight.  Life isn't always easy.  And there are a times when I just don't want to be the grown up in the room.  Ever feel that way??  Please just let some one else step up or take responsibility.  Please just me give me a snack...

It has been some hard, emotional couple of weeks.  I missed a couple days of work to spend quality time in social security office, going from one place to another, just to get all the paperwork for a nursing home to accept my mom. Who would have thought that I'd have to visit a funeral home last week? I've had many moments of tears and break downs.  I've had times where I've done all that I could do and just ask God to do the rest.  And, He does. There was a moment this week, when I was sitting in my mom's boxed up apartment going through a box looking for papers that I couldn't find, and everything hit me.  I'm taking away my mom's freedom and I am not only changing her life, but my own as well. The days of my mom just stopping by are no longer.  Those days of coming home and finding some small thing she picked up because she knows I like it are over.  Today I moved the boxes out of her apartment and locked the door for the last time.  That chapter ...

There are times when staying Peter Pan and never growing up sound wonderful. I'd like to escape to Neverland and laugh and play all day. Sleep when you want to.  Eat what you want without gaining weight!!  HELLO! Sign me up!  Okay, yes, I know that part wasn't in any of the Peter Pan movies but if we are having a fantasy world -- no calories will be part of it! :)  Because growing up is hard and there are a lot of parts that suck.  Plain and simple. Finding out your Dad has cancer and there isn't anything the doctors can do. So hard. Watching your Dad take his last breaths. Hard doesn't even explain it. Now, with my mom, life is hard once again. My mom was diagnosed with Dementia last year.  But, she was able to fake normal for long enough the insurance said she was fine and kicked out help.  So, I pretended she was fine.  It's so much easier to pretend everything is normal.  When I say "normal,"  I don't mean you and I normal. ...

It is very telling when I log into my blog that I've always enjoyed writing and the last blog I actually posted was in 2018.  On my list there are three posts that I started to write in 2019, but I never finished... never posted.  Three posts with the same message of confusion.  Three pleas for God's help.  Three posts wondering why life has to be like this. Three posts wishing things were different. But guess what?  It's a new year.  My circumstances haven't changed. The same baggage that I just couldn't even bring myself to finish writing about is still here. However,  I have changed.  Not going to lie and say it's something dramatic like a butterfly emerging from it's cocoon.  This "butterfly" here is defiantly more moth like.  And honestly, I think I might still be in the cocoon.  Who knows?    What ever it is, I have finally realized something.  That no matter how bad the circumstances are... you still need ...