Healing After Surgery

Wednesday was a week today since I left the hospital.  Friday it will be two weeks since my surgery.  I'm home and trying to get my strength back up.  The doctor was not kidding when he said that it is a very painful surgery.  But, I'm finally down to one pain pill a day.  The one pill is usually in the evenings.  It's one thing to have some pain or be uncomfortable during the day, but trying to sleep when your hurting is difficult.  I still get tired easily.  Yesterday I decided to make cookie dough and freeze it for Easter.  Between the breaks that I had to take, the two hour task ended up most of the day.  So, I can see why the doctors have told me not to rush back to work.  My body is still healing and it's a slow process.

I had my PCP appointment yesterday.  What really surprised me was the many questions the nurse asked me about my mental state.  I love how they are looking at the whole body, not just the physical.  So I was curious and looked it up.  Most studies show about 1 in 3 people diagnosed with cancer experience anxiety, depression, or other emotional distress.  I get that.  Watching my dad die of colon cancer is still in the back of my mind when I get tested for something. I will probably always have that anxiety that comes with cancer.  Now that my body has had one cancer tumor, it has become even more real to me.  That's why I'm digging into more books and research articles to help prevent having cancer again.

However,  this point, I am grateful.  My PCP told me that I've had a rough 6 months.  And, I have.  From a gallbladder that was twisted and could have exploded and killed me.  To a cancer tumor that we caught before it spread.  My physical body has had a lot of people digging in there in a short amount of time.  It may not be over yet either.  I still have cyst on one of my ovaries.  I have another ultrasound and gynecologist appointment the first of June to see if it's grown or changed any.  I believe that is the last big thing that was on my list that was handed to me in October after my CT scan. 

Yet, through everything I thank God.  Not everyone's prognosis is as good as mine.  That CT scan has saved my life.  My gallbladder, kidney, or ovary did not show any issues in any bloodwork.  There were no flags.  No high or low numbers to be concerned about.  They were not causing me pain.  There is no reason to look at those organs.  I think that kind of amplifies my anxiety a little bit!  Because according to my bloodwork --- I was fine.  So, for me, I'm going keep putting that anxiety at the feet of Jesus.  Even if I pick it up again to worry and stress.  I know if I keep handing it over to Jesus, the anxiety will get less and less.  I'm going to keep reading and educating myself.  Keep doing what I can do be here a little longer with my family. 

Going Through the What If's

 I got asked about those other moments.  The ones you have to process through when the word Cancer gets connected to you.  My friend wanted to make sure that I'm processing everything and don't burst later.  I assured them that I am not ignoring those times.  Those hard moments are still there.  It's nothing I can choose to put it off to the side.  The "Why Me?" question pops sometimes up when I'm thinking too hard about it.  I think of everything that's happened in my life and I wonder why?  But I can answer that question pretty easily.  Why not me?  There have been far greater people who has gone through worse. Not to minimalize what I've gone through --  from childhood abuse to holding everything together for many years as my husband got worse and passed.  There is a lot of crap in my forty something years. But I am not any better than the next person, so why not me?

But the "what if" question -- now that gets to me.  I want to see my kids happily married.  Successful in what they choose. A few grandkids would be great as well.  I want to be there for those moments.  I want to be there for the that phone call when they still need Mom's advise.  I want to be there for all those moments in between. But, what if  -- those are just My wants?  Not God's plans?  What if God's idea of healing me isn't the same as mine?

As I was putting away the Christmas tree, I wondered if I would be able to do it again next Christmas.  What if I'm not there to yell at Briggs from the sidelines of his first soccer game?  What if I never get to take another vacation with all three of my kids again?  What if the cancer comes back?  Or what if when they take out the cancer - one of those cells land on another organ?  One that cannot be taken out?  Those "what if's" tend to multiply.  The "what if's" just sink my heart.  Make me lose hope. All of the "what if's" reach deep in my heart and squeeze the tears. Leaving me drained and scared.

  

That's when I just a deep breath and cry to God to just calm my heart and my mind.  Lord I just ask for your peace.  A peace that doesn't make sense with everything going around me.  God is Hope and Peace and Love.  All those thoughts that can bring me to my knees -- that is chaos and it does not come from Him.  

Even if -- that's what I'm hanging on to.  It comes from Daniel 3, three guys named Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were being held captive.  The king that held them wanted the 3 of them to bow down and worship the king's god.  The king threatened their lives if they didn't listen.  The three told the King that God could save them but EVEN IF,  He didn't -- they still would not bow down.  Even if they had to die that day  -- they would rather go through it with God.  That's where I'm at once again.   I don't know God's plan is for my life.  I don't know why I am at this point.  I don't know what is going to happen.  I just know that I would not make it without Him. I know that Even if I have go down this path I do not want, I would rather go through it with God.  And those three guys in Daniel -- when you looked in the furnace they were thrown in -- there where 4 walking around unharmed.  Because God does not leave His children during the hard stuff.  He is there with us…. Even If.

Hello....again....

 Four years since I last wrote.  Seems like a lifetime ago.  I wonder --- Does anyone even read or write blogs anymore?  I don't know, but here I go.  My life has changed so much....

Many times I wanted to write.  I would log in and want to share to everything I was going through.  To work through it with God's word in one hand and my computer in the other.  It's therapy for me in a lot of ways.  However, I just never felt like I could.  When your life is so connected to some one else, by telling my story, I would be telling theirs.  I didn't feel like I could or should.  Someday, I'll revisit the last few years.   

Because although there is great sadness, there is also hope. There are God's fingerprints in my life.  For I know that it is not by my strength that I have made it this far.  It is by His mercy and for His purpose.  By telling my story, I can pray that it reaches some one that needs to hear it.  There is nothing like feeling that you are totally alone.   Many times throughout the past four years, I have felt so alone.  I mentally knew that there are many that have gone through everything I have.  But when you are in the midst of the struggle, it does feel very lonely.  When you are being strong for everyone else, it gets very lonely.   But we are not alone.  It is just that so many of us bury the trials and tribulations that we go through.  When God might be wanting us to share our hard times to glorify all that He's done though you.  

So here I am.  I'm nothing if not honest.  Right now, in the midst of the week of Christmas - it's hard.  Some of our seasons of valley's are long.  Our trials are not always quick.  It's been a long time since I've felt like I was on top of the mountain.  Don't get me wrong -- I am not depressed.  But life has not been smooth sailing for a while.  I've learned one thing through it -- Life is about finding joy in the journey.  It's more than just some painted words on a Hobby Lobby sign.  Sometimes I want to yell.  I want to scream.  I want to cry.  And I do -- car rides, praising Jesus, with tears on my face.  But if I stay in that moment, I'll miss the flowers that God bloomed for me to see.  Or the mountains that He created.  Or the hug that I get every morning from a kindergartener that runs out of her car to find just me.  Or my Briggs yelling, "Tia!"  I have joy moments daily.  I know that God could take all the pain away.  I know that God could heal everything that needs to be healed in a blink of an eye.  But His way is better.  And because of that, I know that I don't walk alone.  Together, we will get through this valley while we take those moments to enjoy the sunshine, the fresh baked cookie, the sound of a river running over rocks, the laughter of your kids no matter how big they are, or what ever Joy God delivers to you.  Because you, my friend, are not alone either.  Just don't be so busy that you miss it.

Jen