Journey With Jen

It has been some hard, emotional couple of weeks.  I missed a couple days of work to spend quality time in social security office, going from one place to another, just to get all the paperwork for a nursing home to accept my mom. Who would have thought that I'd have to visit a funeral home last week? I've had many moments of tears and break downs.  I've had times where I've done all that I could do and just ask God to do the rest.  And, He does. There was a moment this week, when I was sitting in my mom's boxed up apartment going through a box looking for papers that I couldn't find, and everything hit me.  I'm taking away my mom's freedom and I am not only changing her life, but my own as well. The days of my mom just stopping by are no longer.  Those days of coming home and finding some small thing she picked up because she knows I like it are over.  Today I moved the boxes out of her apartment and locked the door for the last time.  That chapter ...

There are times when staying Peter Pan and never growing up sound wonderful. I'd like to escape to Neverland and laugh and play all day. Sleep when you want to.  Eat what you want without gaining weight!!  HELLO! Sign me up!  Okay, yes, I know that part wasn't in any of the Peter Pan movies but if we are having a fantasy world -- no calories will be part of it! :)  Because growing up is hard and there are a lot of parts that suck.  Plain and simple. Finding out your Dad has cancer and there isn't anything the doctors can do. So hard. Watching your Dad take his last breaths. Hard doesn't even explain it. Now, with my mom, life is hard once again. My mom was diagnosed with Dementia last year.  But, she was able to fake normal for long enough the insurance said she was fine and kicked out help.  So, I pretended she was fine.  It's so much easier to pretend everything is normal.  When I say "normal,"  I don't mean you and I normal. ...

Okay, I just gotta say that, well, this is MY blog and some times a person just has to gripe.  This would be one of those times.  So, if you would like, please feel free to skip to the next blog on your list.  It's okay.  Promise I'll never know and if I do find out, I won't hold it against ya! ;) I am tired of a lot of talk and so little action.  That is what it all boils down to.  I could stop there and be done because the rest of my paragraphs will just reiterate that sentence.  But, my mouth won't let me!  I am not perfect my any means.  I get mad.  I yell when I shouldn't.  A bad word will escape my mouth once in a while.  I like to stick my head in the sand and pretend things are peachy.  BUT, I have taught my kids some good things.  My kids know what it's like not to have it all, but they also know that there are others who would gladly trade them places.  I am a big believer in volunteering.  It is...

God has put this one my heart for a while, but I've really, well, put off talking about it.  It seems that lot of people recently have switched over to the home-school idea and don't give our schools the praise they deserve.  Public schools get a bad rap.  So, here are my two cents.  Take it what you will but if you have something negative to say, I'll just remind you that we all have a right to our own opinions and this is just my own.  These are just think from my perspective. When my children were smaller, I was a big reader to them.  As they grew, I taught them A, B,C's and numbers.  I taught them sounds for each letter so we could put together words.  Even beginning addition.  Before kindergarten, Joey knew all of that as well as could write his name and color in the lines beautifully.  Luke did have a few learning issues but I worked even harder with him.  Faith was even reading BEFORE kindergarten.  She was 4 years o...

Parenting... It is not an easy job.  There isn't any putting a band-aide on it and dealing with it later.  It is an everyday job.  It is putting your heart out there daily.  Praying each day that your doing what is right for your kids.  Even though sometimes, your just feeling your way through the situation.  As my kids get older, I have had to take a step back and look at them. Not as a parent.  But try to put myself in an outsiders perspective looking at my kids.  How does my kid interact with other kids?  How does he/she interact with other adults?  Would I want to be around them?  Yes, it is hard to look at your kids open and honestly.  But, it is necessary.  We are training our children to go out into this world.  Not, live in our basements and have friends just on Facebook. Take for instance, little "Sally."  She seems like a model child.  Sally is very respectful with adults.  Very much a ...

Seasoned parents, remember those days when your children were small?  They would look up to you as if you knew everything.  Holding out their hands ready for you to hold.  Wet kisses with slobber left on your cheek.  Smiles that are meant for Mommy and Daddy only.  The giggles and laughter of toddlers filling up your home with love. Those are wonderful memories.  It seems like so long ago.  Well, considering I have one going into high school... maybe it was so long ago!  Through the years, our relationships change with our children.  We are no longer the "all knowing" parents.  We some how become ancient and kinda dumb as our children transform into teenagers.  How many times has my son told us, "that's the way you did back then.  It's not that way now..."  ?? "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far from him."   Proverbs 22:15 I do try to give my kids som...

Last year, I wrote a post about Girls and Attention .   I should have realized then, it is just going to get harder to stay modest as they get older.  Girls my daughters age (11 yrs) wear shorts that are about the size of their panties. (notice these shorts are only about an inch from the inseam area) And, of course, shirts that are on the tight side and some that even show their bellies.  Luckily, my daughter does not want any part of that still.  So,  what is my girl to do?  We found out that just going to pick out some new shorts or a new swimsuit means going five or six stores.  :/ Faith told me after school yesterday that a friend thought she was wearing capri's.  Why you may ask?  Because her shorts went down to her knees.  Faith had on some athletic shorts.  Her friend had on some of the shorty-shorts.  Several inches of material difference! Swimsuit shopping was even worse.  It seems even the once pi...

As I look through other blogs I read, the message seems to be just accepting yourself.  Which is one of the hardest things to do ~ especially as a woman!  Compare my life to others and it seems so ... dull, maybe? boring?  I'm just a curvy (another way to put that I need to lose a few! LOL) middle age  (...oh, my gosh did I really write that?? should I erase it?? no..no, just leave it) mother of three trying to be a loving mom, aunt, friend, daughter in a world filled with anger and hate.  I look at other mothers who seem to have it all going for them.  It's easy to start to feel hard on myself.  But there are certain things as I've gotten older that I have come to accept.  Yes, there will always be other women prettier than I am.  I will never be a Reese Witherspoon or Julia Roberts.  God only made one of them ~ just as He only made one of me.  Yes, there will always be other women who seem to have it all together.  I've l...

At this moment in my life, I have two teenage boys.  Both will be going to junior high next month.  Both are about to drive me crazy.  I try to remember a sweeter day.  When they were younger...pulling each other's hair...fighting over hot wheels...watching Bob the Builder together.  Those days when they would be mad at each other for a moment and laying beside each other watching Robin Hood the next.  I loved my summers with them.  Doing arts and crafts.  Cooking in the kitchen.  Even doing classwork during the summer.  Aren't they cute?  I couldn't find one of when they were really small on the computer, but they were even cuter.  :)  Then, they had to grow up.  Seriously.  Those that willing get up in the morning and go to a school that has teenagers ~ must be clinical.   I remember the junior high age as being kind of rough for a girl.  Now I know what the mother's go through.  I ...

I look back when I was growing up and compare it to now. It's essentially the same. Once you get a certain age, it seems like fitting in and being like everyone else is SO important. The big difference is what is 'normal' for my daughter's age right now. Does anyone else have a 10 year old daughter out there?? Have you walked through that department? Have you seen the clothes or should I say lack of clothes?   I knew it would get worse. Honestly, when she was a toddler, the shorts would barely cover her diapers. So, I would buy her plain shorts in the boys section. They were seriously an inch or two longer. Now that she is bigger, the shorts still have not changed. They are still about an inch or maybe two (if your lucky) from the middle seam! Honestly, do we need to look at our kids in such a way?? Why does this have to be the 'normal' for our kids?? I'm a bit southern, redneck-ish maybe?, I don't know what you want to call me but I...

Time does seem to fly.  I get busy.  Work.  Husband.  Kids.  Laundry.  Bills.  Yes, yes...that list gets longer and longer.  Then, one day, you take a moment to really look around.  And what do you see?  Our parents are getting older.  Which makes sense because well...got some gray going on myself!  But, it just seems so unreal at times.  My mother's skin is getting thinner and she bruises easily.  Sometimes she looks so frail.  My Dad passed away in 2009 from cancer.  I remember going to all of the doctor's appointments.  I filled out the paperwork and spoke with the doctors.  Just as I do for my own children.  My Dad, which would look at any contract before I signed it when I younger, now needed my help with his rental agreement each year.  I've know in my head that roles get reversed as your parents age.  For me, it's hard to realize that it's really ha...

Have you hear about some restaurants banning children? I know ~ it sounds a bit severe, doesn't it? But, think of some the kids your children go to school with. . . maybe even neighbors. . . and, sad to say, even kids in your own church. Geez!! Once my kids are grown and I don't have to put up with them, would I want to?? It's not the ones that have had a hard life or being raised by single parents most of the the time. It's kids with both parents and no discipline. Yeah, I said the big " D " word!! DISCIPLINE !! So many parents, let their kids get away with everything. There is no respect towards their parents, so (of course!) there isn't any respect towards other adults. Many of the teenagers today are carrying around IPhones. They are driving around cars that we as a family could not afford. They do not understand what it means to work towards something. To value the gifts they have been given. The children (and some adults) are in a "me, me, me...

As you have read through my posts, my childhood had a lot of traumatic things. We were never allowed to talk about these things to anyone ~ not even to each other. It was the giant elephant in the middle of the room that everyone walked around. I couldn't even talk about it to my mother. It would make her cry and upset and she would tell me that she didn't want to talk about it. (I did try through the years.) I do understand that I will never know everything that my mother went through. Why? She won't tell me. It's some how another secret like the rest of my childhood. She has told me that those things that happened in her childhood will go to the grave with her. Yet, because of this burden that she carries everyday, it effects her relationships with others. How could it not when everything is a secret?? So even now, her father is still hurting her and effecting her life. (From him, is where the abuse started) When people ask her about a trip she went on, she thinks th...

Father's Day once again. It has been two years since I've spent it with my Dad. In those years there are moments that I wish I could have called him up and talked with him. Times that I know my kids wished that he was there. It just reminds me about how important the role of a man, a father, is in a person's life. Two years later and that hole is still there. After talking with others that have lost a parent, even 10 years down the road, that hole will still be there. Yes, birthdays and holidays will get easier. But ~ that spot ....that void.....will never be filled again. Maybe if we realized that while they were here, we'd treasure those moments more. My Dad used to call me seriously at least 10 times a day. Those phone calls were about anything. He found a show on the kids would like. The Razorbacks are playing (woo-PIG-sooie!!) It's going to rain. ANYTHING! Yes, they would get annoying sometimes. But now ~ I'd love to have another day of it. Amazing how your...

I just love wildflowers! God's Garden! Faith, Luke, Aaron (Joey's Friend), and Joey I love those moments that turn into memories! This morning started bright and early. My Dad's birthday is in a few days, so in honor of his day ~ we went out to breakfast. That was always his favorite meal. There were many mornings of setting the alarm just to meet him. Then, as the kids got bigger, we would take turns on who go to go with me. It's funny that they never mind getting up early, if they knew they were meeting papa. It's been about a year and a half since he's passed away. For me, I think of the last years with a very thankful heart. It was a time of forgiveness. It was a time of love. So, Happy Birthday Daddy!! Then, we headed to one of my favorite places: Devil's Den. The beauty of the outdoors to refresh your spirit. I love being outside in the middle of God's creation. (except when it's 100 degrees out! I wimp out then!) One of Joey's friends wen...

It is the start of another year. I am trying to find what it is that God wants me to be focusing on. What is it that I need to work on or bring to my family? When I think of 2009, the word Forgiveness comes to mind. It was a hard year because my Dad's cancer got worse. My mom and I talked to him everyday. We would take turns checking on him, each of us going over a few times a week. It was hard to watch him suffer. I didn't understand 'why?'. I went with him to plan his funeral. It was SO hard. But, look back, the word Forgiveness comes to mind. Dad made peace with God and received Forgiveness. I didn't know if that would ever happen, but it did. Praise God!! Also, we forgave each other in a way. I was his little girl, but I was never his 'buddy.' That was my brother. It was hard those two years when he was diagnosed because every time that I saw him, he would ask about my brother. If I talked to him. If I saw him. If my brother knew that he was sick. I wa...

This time of year is filled with so many things. Some good. Some bad. So many times I feel like the meaning of Christmas is lost in the shuffle. Christmas is to celebrate Christ, His birth, His love, His grace. It is not "Happy Holidays." It's CHRISTmas. It's not the pushing. The shoving. The shopping. This wonderful time of year does not always bring out the best in people. I guess that is why my favorite holiday has always been Thanksgiving. I grew up in a home that REALLY 'celebrated' Christmas. Well, when I say 'celebrated', I mean my parents made sure that was lots under the tree. That was the one holiday a year that my mom did some major shopping! Which as a kid, made it an awesome day!! LOL The tree would be empty and in the morning, it would be full of presents. Even now, she makes sure that Kent & I plus my three kids have stuff to open Christmas Day. I just want to take back Christmas to a simpler time. I don't know if it's possi...

The doctors' gave him 6 months. But God gave him two years. It is Vetern's Day once again. This day last year, I sat with my Dad in a hospital room. That morning, I went through the denial stage very quickly. There wasn't any room for denial. Everyone knew that this was it. My mom sat on one side of the bed holding one hand. I sat on the other side of the bed holding the other hand. My husband in the chair beside me. The only sound was our tears and his breathing. Each labored breath. I remember telling him over and over how much we loved him and that it's okay to let go. He made it through the night with my mom and I beside him. Kent left to be with the kids. The next morning, Kent came back and we sat waiting once again. Then, at 11:30 a.m., we knew this was it. It's so odd that we knew. The room just felt different. We all stood up around the bed holding his hands. I kept repeating, "I love you." And, at 11:33 my Dad took his last breath. God blessed ...

Growing up, I put my parents on a pedestal. I was their little girl. They were supposed to protect me. Guide me. Be all knowing. Always make the right decisions. Then, as I got older, things changed. I was 18 or 19, still trying to figure things out and I became angry. Looking back on my childhood, I saw so many things that went wrong. The emotional abuse. The sexual abuse (not by my parents, but I felt they didn't protect me). Waayy over protectiveness. There was always secrets that couldn't be talked about. (and still can't be) My senior year my parents got divorced. That was the last straw for me. I either had to heal my heart or drive off the bridge. I read lots of books. I found God. He taught me about forgiveness but it was so hard. I was flipping channels and came across Oprah. It was about a mother who really messed up because of things in her childhood. This has stuck with me and this changed me: I did what I knew until I knew better. When I knew better, I did be...

Simple Pleasures ~ A few days ago we went to Hickory Creek to swim. It was a first for the kids and I. Kent went there a lot growing up, but to me, a lake meant fishing because of my Dad. To me, that equaled boring, so I never went. Kent is amazed that I missed so many fun experiences and turned out semi-normal. (yeah, I had to put the semi.. haha !) I did miss out on some of the simple things growing up. Halloween candy. Feeding ducks at the park. Swimming at the lake. But looking back, one of the simple things I remember is that my Great Aunt always sent me a card. A card for Easter. A card for my birthday. A card for Christmas. Even Thanksgiving sometimes. A card just for me with my name on it and a stamp. She never did spell my name right, but it didn't matter. The Simple Pleasures Those moments that I want my family to remember me for. So, let's pack some sandwiches and head out. For a swim. For a hike. For a picnic. Or stay in and bake some cookies. Or repaint a room. Or...