Life of a Teenager

One of the facts of my life right now:  my kids are big.  That does come with some perks.  No fighting over what clothes to wear...most of the time.  No more Bob the Builder (Luke), Dora the Explorer(Faith), or Bear in the Big Blue House(Joey) playing loudly through the house.  Although, I didn't mind watching Sponge Bob.  There isn't anymore getting frantically shook at 5 am on Christmas morning.  Nor is there playing at the park and pushing swings.  okay....that seriously went to sad and depressing.  :(

It is a part life that I am slowly accepting.  The good and the bad.  As my kids grow and change, it also changes me.  When my kids were small, teenagers seemed like they were from another planet and that stage of life really intimidated me.  I am on my third teenager now and I am like "bring it!"  Okay -- not everyday.  But there are some days I can say that!! :D  And being around 10 or more

teenagers at the same time is normal now.  My boys have warped my sense of humor but if you ask them -- they gave me a sense of humor.  I get guy humor now.  Unfortunately.  First time I watched Rat Race, I seriously left and read a book.  Boys thought it was so funny.  Years later, watched it again -- I was laughing so hard I was crying.  I won't even say some of the other movies I find funny now.  It is not something I am proud of.  You would think I am really stupid.  Let's leave it as, my boys have definitely changed me.

My boys are practically grown and I am on to a different species now. I just want to take a moment and say Thank you to God.  I wanted two girls and two boys.  God probably laughed at that request because He knew these years would come.  I've heard many horror stories that once their daughter went into high school their eyes rolled back in their heads and starting spinning around possessed by something that was not their sweet baby girl.   The stories are scary and I am hoping they are exaggerated.  I am praying that my daughter stays her sweet, level headed, Jesus-lovin' self.  That not only will I love her the next couple years, but that I like her as well.  I'll be a second mom to as many she brings to me, but I don't want to be the one they roll their eyes at and makes them clean their room.  :)

I am learning to enjoy each phase of my kids lives.  Not to take it for granted.  Soon enough, they will be graduated with real jobs and families of their own.  Let's not rush into it.  The real world is not always as much fun as you think it will be.  Joey has kinda realized that since graduating high school.  Those days you wish would be over, soon enough are -- and your kids get just a little bit bigger. You wonder were the time went.  And you would like some of it back.

Just another Autistic Day

Before church on Wednesday, we stopped at Wendy's.  While I was in line waiting, I looked around and notice some people in front of me with Special Olympics backpacks on.  I look behind to figure out where my children were and make sure they were not doing anything.  I see a few older children that are participants.  My heart just breaks for not only the children but the families represented there.  I know that God has a plan for each and every one of us.  It's just hard to remember that some times.

So, the Special Olympics group were ordering large quantities and we needed to go.  The wait was too long unless we wanted to be late to church.  We get into the car and my oldest is in the front says something like, "I'm glad we left.  I don't know what to do around special kids."  (He loves old people and kids just nervous around special needs kids.)  I trying not to cry while driving because special needs children tend to get me emotional.  I go into a spill about how blessed we are.  That we don't know what God's going to give us.  Then without thinking, I said, "you think that Luke is bad sometimes, autism is nothing compared to what he could have."  Luke, sitting in the back seat listening, jumps in and says, "Hey!! Hello?  I'm in the backseat!!"

You've probably forgotten what they even look like.  I realized I haven't put any pictures up in a long time.  My kids have grown so much!  Both of my boys are taller than me.  :(

Christmas time with my family.

from left to right:  Shailyn & my nephew, Phillip.

Summer (my niece), Joey (in red), Cara (my niece),

Luke (in navy), and Faith (in front)

My littlest niece wasn't in the picture, but here's

Abby at her 8th birthday party in January.  :)

 Autism, well, it is just a part of our family.  It's just another day.  I am thankful for moments where we can laugh at it.  (even Luke thought it was funny)  Because there are so numerous other moments where laughter is the farthest thing from my mind!!  It does drive us crazy at times.  God has a wonderful plan that I get to be a part of.  I am still learning because Luke has changed as he has grown.  His autism has changed so I am going to start doing more research to see what I can do to help.  He's worth all of the effort.

Five Minute Friday: Empty

I'm linking up today with Gypsymama.  Five minute Fridays.  Five minutes are writing from the heart.  No editing.  No worring if it's right or wrong.  This Friday's topic:  EMPTY.

Here I go...

My brother has been on my heart even more lately.  He lives right here.  So close...yet so far.  We have had a rough childhood.  No way around it.  I know that we each handle things differently.  And...at different times.  But, the one thing I also know  ~  this pain.  this anger.  this confusion.  All those emtions that he has been dealing with since childhood, cannot be cured by hanging on to it. 

That anger and hurt can only be emptied.  Handed over to God.  It's too much for us.  But, God can take it and He can handle it.  We must be empty so that we may be filled with God's love and blessings.  It does take time to go through the process.  I just pray that God will work on my brother.  That this process of healing can begin somehow....though someone.  Once you hand over all of the pain to God ~ those blocks on your shoulders are gone.  That pain some one caused you might still be in your mind sometimes....but it no longer has power to hurt you any longer. 
To be empty is to be Free..

TIME
only two paragraphs in 5 mintues? I'll have to continue this later.(:

Letting Go...

Let go and let God have control. We all have heard this time and time again. And, hopefully, we have all been to a point in our lives where we have to let go. We get pushed to the point when our hands fly off the steering wheel of our lives and we brace for impact. Hand it over to God.

Yet, sometimes it is so hard to do. We want to fix it. Especially when it comes to family. All of those buttons get pushed and we go into the try anything until it works mode. Yes, I'm speaking from experience. My brother comes to mind. Him and his wife live in the same town that I do. We live about 10 minutes away from one another. Sounds great so far, right? It gets worse from there. I haven't seen him since my Dad's funeral in 2009. He wouldn't even show up in the spring of 2010 when we did his ashes. Before that, it had been four or fives years since I'd seen him. I've tried to fix it on my own. Inviting him over for bar-b-ques and holidays. Writing him letters. Sending him pictures of my kids thinking he might actually want to be an uncle to them. Praying for God to open his heart. To change his heart. This has been going on for years.

You know what I realize now though? I never really did take my hands off the wheel. I always, somehow, included me in the 'fix it' part. I always put me in the equation. I know in the deepest part of me that I have done nothing to deserve this. So then I need to consider something else. Maybe this isn't even about me. (light bulb moment!) It's about him. I can't make it all better. There isn't any magic wand that I have which can undo our childhood. Just because God has given me the strength to heal, move on, and still talk about it ~ doesn't mean that my brother is there yet. Just because he is my big brother ~ doesn't mean he is as far on his path of healing as I am. Maybe I have been looking at it wrong this whole time. Maybe I need to stop asking God to open and change his heart but just to heal it. Who do you need to let go and just place in God's hands?

“Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you
shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give,
and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken
together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with
the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you.” Luke 6:37-38

When Love's Not Returned

Kinda blunt and to the point, huh? Some one posted this on Facebook and I actually kinda like it. Well, maybe "like" is not the right word. I understand it. One of those things where I've been there ~ done that. There are several people through the years that I've cared about. I've given them pieces of me. . . of my heart. And, afterwards, found out that they never really wanted it to begin with. Haven't we all done that?

My brother is a good example. Sad, isn't it? That the first one that pops in my head after reading that, would be a relative. If he wanted to be a part of my life, my children's lives, he has had opportunities. But, I can't give up that hope that something will change his mind and his heart. I still send him invites for the holidays and cook outs. I've baked a basket full of cookies and bread every year for Christmas for several years now. Looking honestly though, it has been two years since I've seen him... and we live in the same town. My husband has told me that I must like rejection to keep doing it year after year. He would have written him off long ago.

In some ways, maybe my husband is right. I want that relationship. I want a brother (or sister) that I can call up. Some one that shares the childhood that we both went through. A family member that will be there when the world is falling apart. When my Dad went to the doctors and had tests run with his cancer, it was just me up there. I wanted my big brother there. He wouldn't even return my phone calls. He wouldn't come. So, in many ways, I feel like an only child who longs for their sibling. I have several friends that were only children and as things happened with their parents and families ~ they did go through it alone. I had a brother, but he chose not to be there.

When you read that sign, do you have some one come to mind? A friend? A family member? There have been friends through the years that I can also relate too. Friends that I was there for who left when I needed them. (just part of growing up I believe) Friends that you find out later ~ were never your friend at all. (also part of growing up) Maybe it's a family member like my brother. Maybe it's your parents with a messy divorce. Maybe it is the in-laws that do not accept you. It is true that if some one wants to be a part of your life ~ my life ~ they will find a way. Through their decisions and actions we will know where we stand with them. Just as they will know by how we treat them. Isn't it true that you make time when it's important? Or at least make plans? The hard part is, we must decide of what to do when we want some one in our lives and they do not want us. Because I have learned through the years that it doesn't matter how much you want a relationship to work ~ it takes two people. So, it is your choice if you love love others even when it's not returned. Or if it is time to love them (and yourself) enough to let them go.

Proverbs 27:6
"Faithful are the wounds of a friend;
profuse are the kisses of the enemy"

Path of Anger

Anger.

Five little letters but when they are linked together become so much more. It is one thing that everyone experiences. It has been around as long as man was here. And, anger itself is not always a sin.

"Therefore having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil." Ephesians 4: 25-26

The word 'anger' can sometimes be translated into passion or energy. To me, those two words can describe moments that I have been angry. Yet, being passionate towards the work of God or God's word ~ is a good thing. God has even been angry! In Mark 3:5, God look around in anger at their hardened hearts. BUT, when anger is selfish or to put others down ~ it becomes a sin.

And, like most people, this slips into my own home. I've never had to deal with a sibling with disabilities. I don't know what it's like for Joey and Faith. I realize that everyone handles things differently. Faith tries to help and be more understanding. But, Joey. . . I realize that a 13 year old boy has a lot of hormones running through his system that even he doesn't understand. Yet ~ this anger that he has towards his brother is too much sometimes. I know, I know...siblings fight. That's what I hear all of the time. Brothers will fight. They are supposed to. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

To a 13 (almost 14) year old boy, nothing in life is fair. To add to the hardship of being a teenager ~ he has a brother that requires more attention and "gets away with everything." (Which Luke doesn't but if you ask Joey ~ he does.) I have talked with Joey. Explained things to him. Joey knows why in his head, but in the heat of the moment, he yells: Life is not fair! Which in the heat of the moment my reply usually is: No it isn't!

I do wish that those moments of all us cuddling in the living room watching a movie would last forever! Those moments where we play games without an argument. Those moments when we eat at the table together talking and sharing. But, sooner or later, we have to get up and do the dishes...which brings us back to who's turn it is to do it!!

Your Own Independence Day!

It's Independence Day!

It feels like the 4th of July here!

My brother's birthday is July 3rd, so this holiday does make me think about him. It is sad, but I don't even know him. Yes, he still lives in same city as I do. But, he is a stranger. I remember that his favorite pie was cherry and his favorite candy bar was 3 Musketeers. Those are things a little sister remembers from her big brother.

Kent and I were talking a few nights ago about our families. This conversation goes into how much a Yarbrough he has become. (that's in regards to his grandfather... which is not always a good thing!) Then, it goes to my family. Seriously. What can I say about it? Abuse. Emotional and physical. Secrets. Depression. My childhood had so much stuff in it that I could be several characters in a soap opera!! LOL (yes, I can talk and make jokes now.) My family chain has been very twisted for generations.

But ~

I had my Independence Day!

Those chains from my childhood have been broken. They no longer hold my hands down and tie my feet to a sinking stone. No longer is my mouth taped shut with secrets inside. No longer will the chains be carried on to my own children. What has tied you down? What has silenced your voice? Most of all. . . how do you break the chains?

I believe the first step...the very first step... is to know deep inside that you are loved. You are loved no matter what you have done. Or what you think you have done. It doesn't matter what your parents did or didn't do. It doesn't matter if you grew up rich or poor. You are loved. You can never go so far, that God's love cannot reach you. If you are down and cannot find a way out ~ look inside yourself. Because out of all the places that God chose to live ~ He chose your heart. He is not only found in a pastor or priest. He is not living in a church building ~ He is living in you. With God's help, you can find your voice again. With God's help, you can break free and have your own Independence Day!

"I will put my spirit within you..." Ezekiel 36:27

"Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's spirit dwells in you?"

1 Corinthians 3:16

Brotherly Love

What will it take for God to get your attention?

That's a good question. For Christians, it is very easy to put God on the back burner. Yes, we know He's there. We cry out if something comes up. But, when do we stop just going through our lives on auto ~ and ask for His guidance... His help... His strength daily?

Right now, what's on my heart are the others. The ones like my Dad was. I'm not really sure what or if he had a spiritual life growing up. I just know that I didn't go to church growing up. Once I started going with friends and would try to talk to him about it, he just talked about how 'they' stuck their noses down at others, how judgemental they are, and he just didn't need it. Then, cancer came and got Dad's attention. It changed him. He had the chance to talk with other's about God before he died. He knew God before he passed away. Not the Christians that sometimes get in the way of God's real message... but, God. The loving Father.

Psalm 46:10

"He says, Be still and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth."

My brother is on my heart again. I haven't heard from him in over a year besides a message on Facebook. He told me that his doctor wanted to know what kind of cancer Dad had. Yeah, I know. That would imply that his doctor is doing testing on something. Of course, I don't know any more than that. (He wouldn't tell me.) I've prayed for years for my brother to be able to let go of some of his hurt and anger. To forgive because it's proven that anger that lives inside can cause true health problems. To become a part of our family. Maybe this is my brother's attention grabber. I don't know. I just know that I'll be there if or when he calls. I know that I love him. Not because of something he's done or not done. Just because it is. He's my family. I don't know my brother's relationship with God right now, because I honestly don't know him. I do know that God loves him and can see him through anything. And if given the chance, I'd be there too.

Psalm 59:16-17

"But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love;

For you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.

You are my strength, I sing praise to you;

you, God, are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely."

The Pedestal

Growing up, I put my parents on a pedestal. I was their little girl. They were supposed to protect me. Guide me. Be all knowing. Always make the right decisions. Then, as I got older, things changed. I was 18 or 19, still trying to figure things out and I became angry. Looking back on my childhood, I saw so many things that went wrong. The emotional abuse. The sexual abuse (not by my parents, but I felt they didn't protect me). Waayy over protectiveness. There was always secrets that couldn't be talked about. (and still can't be) My senior year my parents got divorced. That was the last straw for me. I either had to heal my heart or drive off the bridge. I read lots of books. I found God. He taught me about forgiveness but it was so hard. I was flipping channels and came across Oprah. It was about a mother who really messed up because of things in her childhood. This has stuck with me and this changed me:

I did what I knew until I knew better.

When I knew better, I did better.

I started seeing my parents as people. I took them off the pedestal and got to know them as people. Yes, my childhood could have been better. But, it's my choice as an adult what to do with that hurt and anger. Do I keep chips on my shoulder? Do I hold it against them forever? Or do I learn to let go? I worked through it and with God's help, I forgave them. I got to know my parents. Their faults. Their view. Their hurt. Their disappointments. My parents made mistakes, but I've learned that we all do. Maybe not to the extreme of my childhood, but mistakes none the less. I'm so happy that I worked through this at such a young age, so I could enjoy my parents while they are here. My brother is not so lucky. He missed the opportunity to be there for my Dad. My Dad died a year ago this week. My adult relationship with my parents is so much better than my relationship as the 'baby'. When my parents knew better ~ they did better. I can talk with my mom now. I used to have lunch with my Dad once a week just because. It's as simple and as hard as that. I'm blessed. After all, would I change what happened to me growing up? No. It has made me who I am today. And, I'm lot better person with the large baggage to go through than a small carry on.

To Love, Not Judge

1 John 4:12

"No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another,

God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."

I'll be honest. There are times when that is easier said than done. It is so easy to look at some one and just see what's on the outside. What they present to rest of the world. I make snap decisions based upon that. I have three kids. Is this some one I want my kids to speak to? Is this some one I feel comfortable talking with? There are so many bad things out there. So many things that I want to protect my kids and, honestly, myself from. Yet, it's my job as a parent to prepare them....

not shelter them.

Yes, there are crazy people out there. Sick people that do sick things to children and adults. As much as I'd love to hover over my children, it's not doing them any good unless I teach them about the world. Teach me kids to yell "help", not just scream if some one tries to take them. Teach them to be aware of their surroundings and each other. Teach them when to fight and when to run. Teach them about the world with all of the joys and faults it has to offer. I believe that going to public school is a great tool to prepare kids for the world. They are around children that are not like them or the other kids at church. They are exposed to different ideas that we may have never thought of. Yes, they are around kids that don't believe in God. They are around different religions that I don't believe in. Isn't that the way it is for us in the world everyday? It's our chance and our children's chance to stand on our faith. I try to teach them not to judge others, just to give other kids a chance. The Bible says to love one another ~ Even the bullies. Even the brother that doesn't call or show up. Even ones that judge you. Yes, Jesus loved all of us.

1 John 4:21

"And he has given us this command: whoever loves God must also love his brother."

Some days are easier than others... Some people are easier than others... But, if I am to teach my children not to judge others and to give people a chance, I can do no less than to lead by example. I know that I can't do it alone. And I know that I will fail at times. This is a hard comandment to follow, but I know I must try.