Wishing For My Chaco's

 

The human body is truly an amazing creation.  How everything works together just to keep us going each day.  Because it takes everything working together, it doesn't take much to throw it off balance.  Unfortunately, mine has been in a rough cycle the past two years.

The swelling that started on March 10th still an issue.  I've had an echocardiogram.  I had ultrasound to rule out blood clots in femoral artery.  I also went to a vein clinic and had an ultrasound done on the smaller veins in my leg and to make sure that all my valves were opening and closing correctly.  All of those tests were clear. 

Which leads me back to the foot clinic.  The end of April I got into the foot clinic and x-rays were done.  He could not see anything but arthritis on top where the swelling is.  No fracture.  No other reason for the fluid. I got a steroid shot and two pills.  One steroid and one for inflammation.  I also got a compression sock. Appointment in a month to check progress.   

One month later and I am still not in my Chaco's.  If you know me at all -- that is my only footwear unless there is snow on the ground.  Oh yes, I've been able to get my foot in there, but by the afternoon I usually regret it because of the swelling.  My foot has still never been back to normal. In fact -- sometimes my right foot likes to join in the fun.  😑  

So I am realizing that this might be my new normal.  If a month of steroids cannot bring my foot back to normal, I am not sure if it will ever be that way again.  Am I used to arthritis?  If you have seen my hands then you know that arthritis has been a part of my life since I was 25 unfortunately.  But the way it is progressing the past few years, it actually is changing me.  I am only 50, but I have been using one of those jar openers that is made for seniors for a couple years now.  I sleep with ice packs on my back.  My knees snap, crackle, and pop.  I cooked for two days for my daughter's wedding shower -- and had throbbing pain for days in my hands and feet after.  The exhaustion that didn't go away with a B12 shot. The stiffness.  The signs are all there.  

I have asked to go to a rheumatologist.  Of course, my regular doctor wants to see me before she will make the referral.  So that appointment is next week. But looking online at Mercy's rheumatology department, the wait list is long.  So I am sure that my appointment will not be soon even after the referral.  Apparently, I am not the only one falling apart.  😄 Until then, I am here.  In my velcro shoes like a toddler.  Wishing for hiking and my Chaco's this summer. 

12 Months

 October of last year was when it all began.  I'd been having some pain for a few months and finally decided to get it check out.  Doctor figured it was a hernia and sent me to a CT scan to confirm.  Then, I got my list of diagnosis.  And a new set of doctors. 

It has been hard.  After three surgeries in an 8 month span -- my body is still healing.  The first four weeks of summer break, I did nothing.  I slept a lot.  I kept thinking that I need to get up and start my summer projects.  But, I was just exhausted.  The "want to" was not there.  The second month, I slowly started feeling more like myself.

I have started walking again.  Not everyday yet, but it's getting there.  I know that sitting there is not going to help my energy levels or my healing overall.  But somedays, the tired wins.  I have one more thing scheduled this year.  A colonoscopy is planned for November.  Praying nothing is found there.  My dad passed away of colon cancer so that is always in the back of my mind.   

This year has changed me.  I don't take as much for granted.  I was always the one that took care of everyone else:  my kids, my dad, my mom, and Kent.  I never gave much thought to my own health.  Yet, our own health is not guaranteed.  Time with our family is not guaranteed.  It only takes a moment for our life to change.  One phone call.  One accident.  One test result.  For many of us that have gone through these health challenges, there will always be a before and after.

I am a strong person who has been through a lot in my life.  I will forever be thankful to God for protecting me from my childhood abuse and all the way through these past 12 months and everything in between. I know that it could have ended up much worse.  I also know that nothing that I did changed the outcome.  My life was and always will be in the hands of God first. The many skilled doctors second.  I’m praying the next year holds a lot less doctor’s visits. But a lot more laughter and time spent with family and friends. 

After Another Surgery

 It's been 10 days since my hysterectomy.  The pain hasn't been that bad.  After kidney surgery, this pain feels like a breeze!  Except for one thing.  Last week, I was totally exhausted.  I would take my heavy pain pill in the evening.  Then, wake up hurting because it has been so long, take more meds and then a morning nap.  Awake for a few hours, then an afternoon nap.  Then, sadly, usually one more nap before bed.  And that was without my heavy pills during the day.  My body is just tired.  I was given meds for spasms and didn't use them at all last week.  But those have started this week.   

I don't necessarily think the exhaustion has to do with this surgery.  I believe that having 3 surgeries in 8 months is finally taking it's toll.  And interesting little tidbit that I found. On average, abdominal surgery takes 2 years to recover microscopely, although a majority of the healing happens in the first 6 months.   It went on to explain that once your abdomen wall is cut open, it takes a lot of time to get back to where you were before.  Its been a little less than 5 months since my kidney cancer surgery before I had to have surgery again.

Next week I go in for my first set of lung X-rays and blood work since my cancer surgery.  I am sure that you've slept since my last post - so... kidney cancer has over a 50% chance of traveling through your blood stream and landing in your lungs.  If it lands in my lungs, it is still kidney cancer which is not treatable by chemo or radiation.  Every 3 months for the first year, I have to go in for X-ray's and bloodwork.  After that - I am not sure.  I know that I am not clear of that +50% for several years.  

Through everything this past year, I know that God is protecting me.  I don't understand why or what His plan is.  However, He is keeping me on this earth for His purpose.  My story could have ended very differently.   I am sure the writer of my story has a few surprises that I cannot see. Until then, I will keep loving those around me.  School starts back in a couple weeks and there will be lots of kids that need some hugs and just to be seen or heard. I get that.  My childhood was not easy and school was my favorite part of the day.  We are called to take care of one another.  I am thankful that God has placed me in place where I can make a difference everyday.  I learned a long time ago that I cannot be something to everyone everyday.  But I can be the right someone for one person that needs me that day.  For the next few weeks I will rest and take naps when I need to.  And I'll keep praying for clean scans next week.

More Tests

 Today has been one month since my kidney cancer surgery.  I'm doing pretty good.  My energy is still not there and if I do too much my cut muscle will hurt.  My 12 staples going across my side has come out.  Last Thursday was the first time I sneezed in a month.  I thought that was so weird.  But with the muscle getting cut and then being sewn together -- my diaphragm would not expand enough to let me sneeze.  I would would start to sneeze, but when I tried to get the big breath, my sneeze stopped.  Our bodies are weird aren't then?  

Monday I start back to work.  I'm doing half days this first week back to see how it goes.  Doctor recommended 6-8 weeks off, but I'm trying to go back part time after 4 weeks.  Since I get tired, I am sure that I'll be coming home and taking a nap with my ice pack when I get home.  However, I am looking forward to seeing the kids and adults again.  I get my daily amount of hugs from the kids at school because my boys at home are not huggers. 😂  

While I was off, I went ahead and got my mammogram done.  It has been 9 years since my last one.  My mom's mother had breast cancer so it is in the family unfortunately.  So, yes it was past due.  I was of course was hoping for a thanks for getting it done - see you in another couple years.  However, my medical stuff has not been that easy lately.  And neither were these results.  I have two spots - one in each breast.  One is a 10mm and the other spot is 25mm mass.  I have to go back in a couple weeks for ultrasound.  I know a lot of people have to go back for more testing after a mammogram so I'm hoping those spots are nothing.  But, two surgeries in 3 months now, I can't help but worry.  

I go back the first of June for another pelvic ultrasound to look at my spots on my ovaries.  In my mind, I am just planning on surgery so I moved my appointment from the end of June to the beginning of June so I'd have as much time to heal before school starts back up again.  Of course, I have no idea what will happen but I might as well plan for surgery just incase.  

I don't understand why I am going through so many different things with my health right now.  It's definitely been a wake up call to take better care of myself.  Monday I had a birthday and turned 49.  After the past few months -- I am okay with turning 49.  My diagnosis could have been a lot worse and I might not have made it.  I am thankful for where I am.  I am still not out of the valley yet.  There are still some unknowns in the near future.  But, I do know that God has brought me this far.  He will be with me with the next test results as well.  

Healing After Surgery

Wednesday was a week today since I left the hospital.  Friday it will be two weeks since my surgery.  I'm home and trying to get my strength back up.  The doctor was not kidding when he said that it is a very painful surgery.  But, I'm finally down to one pain pill a day.  The one pill is usually in the evenings.  It's one thing to have some pain or be uncomfortable during the day, but trying to sleep when your hurting is difficult.  I still get tired easily.  Yesterday I decided to make cookie dough and freeze it for Easter.  Between the breaks that I had to take, the two hour task ended up most of the day.  So, I can see why the doctors have told me not to rush back to work.  My body is still healing and it's a slow process.

I had my PCP appointment yesterday.  What really surprised me was the many questions the nurse asked me about my mental state.  I love how they are looking at the whole body, not just the physical.  So I was curious and looked it up.  Most studies show about 1 in 3 people diagnosed with cancer experience anxiety, depression, or other emotional distress.  I get that.  Watching my dad die of colon cancer is still in the back of my mind when I get tested for something. I will probably always have that anxiety that comes with cancer.  Now that my body has had one cancer tumor, it has become even more real to me.  That's why I'm digging into more books and research articles to help prevent having cancer again.

However,  this point, I am grateful.  My PCP told me that I've had a rough 6 months.  And, I have.  From a gallbladder that was twisted and could have exploded and killed me.  To a cancer tumor that we caught before it spread.  My physical body has had a lot of people digging in there in a short amount of time.  It may not be over yet either.  I still have cyst on one of my ovaries.  I have another ultrasound and gynecologist appointment the first of June to see if it's grown or changed any.  I believe that is the last big thing that was on my list that was handed to me in October after my CT scan. 

Yet, through everything I thank God.  Not everyone's prognosis is as good as mine.  That CT scan has saved my life.  My gallbladder, kidney, or ovary did not show any issues in any bloodwork.  There were no flags.  No high or low numbers to be concerned about.  They were not causing me pain.  There is no reason to look at those organs.  I think that kind of amplifies my anxiety a little bit!  Because according to my bloodwork --- I was fine.  So, for me, I'm going keep putting that anxiety at the feet of Jesus.  Even if I pick it up again to worry and stress.  I know if I keep handing it over to Jesus, the anxiety will get less and less.  I'm going to keep reading and educating myself.  Keep doing what I can do be here a little longer with my family. 

The Scary "C" Word...

In 2022, my word for the year was Breathe.  It was a hard couple years watching Kent's decline.  I needed a year to just Be...To stop...To rest... To mentally adjust to everything that I had gone though.   And figure out what a new normal might look like.  Last year my word was Wellness.  It was way past time to take care of me.  Walking a few more steps and eating a few more vegetables.  Add in a few doctor appointments.  

This year, my word is Trust.  You see some of those doctor's appointments, didn't go as planned.  In October, I finally went to the doctor for some pain I was having in my lower abdomen.  Doctor said it must be an abdominal hernia.  No big deal.  Easy-Peasy surgery and I'll be good to go.  I was sent for a CT scan to confirm.  I really was not worried.  Doctor was confident that was the issue.

Until that wasn't the issue.  It's never a good thing when doctor says they need to see you today.  The feeling of dread is pretty instant.  Those hours until my appointment went so slow.  Then, suddenly, your in the doctor's office and I was handed a list on a post-it note of everything they found in the CT scan.  Hernia was not on the list.

Enlarged spleen, cysts on ovaries, fibroid on uterus, porcelain gallbladder, kidney stones, and spot on kidneys.  I believe there might have been something else as well, but I can't remember right now.  My first thought was -- let's go back to the hernia diagnosis.  That sounds a whole lot better then the list I was just handed. 

So, next step was more tests to schedule with lots of different doctors.  MRI got scheduled and a pelvic ultrasound.  Appointment with surgeon for my gallbladder.  Appointment with urologist.  Plus a gynecology appointment scheduled Christmas Eve.  All of this happened in about 6 weeks.  All of a sudden, I went from barely going to the doctor to one appointment after another. 

On November 26th, I went in for my MRI.  The next day, I got the phone call.  The results from the MRI were already in and the doctors' called and told me over the phone that I have a renal cell carcinoma.  My brain could not wrap about it.  What??  So, I asked -- In normal English what does that mean??  Then the words -- kidney cancer.  You need to get into an urologist soon to figure out the next steps.  Hanging up that phone call and acting like everything was okay was hard.  But my mom was right there and I wasn't ready to talk about it.  I hadn't absorbed the information myself.  So, let's fake it through these next few weeks and get through the holidays.

I did, of course, Google everything that night.  Don't we all?  I did make sure and look at medical websites.  Or the ones that look like medical websites anyway.  Kidney cancer apparently does not respond to chemo or radiation. (scary thought!) That as long as it stays on the kidney, surgery should be able to remove it.  

But -- cancer?!?!  After everything that I've been through  --  that word is now my diagnosis? That word is now part of me.  Kent used to make a joke to me that he had everything but cancer.  And, here I am.   It's been over a month now and I still doesn't seem real.  It hits me every once in a while when I least expect it.  I'd be Christmas shopping and find myself crying in the isle.  Or a song in the car.  Cancer changes everything.  There is now a time before cancer.  And a time after the cancer diagnosis.  It's a marker in my life now.  That word is scary and it holds power.  My mind will go a little crazy with that word at times.  "What if" can be a scary thing.

Then I remember -- Jesus has the real power.  I am Trusting God through this.  He is the reason that I have made it this far. He is the reason that I can raise my hands to praise and sing even while I cry.  So now my "what if" is turning into an "even if."