12 Months

 October of last year was when it all began.  I'd been having some pain for a few months and finally decided to get it check out.  Doctor figured it was a hernia and sent me to a CT scan to confirm.  Then, I got my list of diagnosis.  And a new set of doctors. 

It has been hard.  After three surgeries in an 8 month span -- my body is still healing.  The first four weeks of summer break, I did nothing.  I slept a lot.  I kept thinking that I need to get up and start my summer projects.  But, I was just exhausted.  The "want to" was not there.  The second month, I slowly started feeling more like myself.

I have started walking again.  Not everyday yet, but it's getting there.  I know that sitting there is not going to help my energy levels or my healing overall.  But somedays, the tired wins.  I have one more thing scheduled this year.  A colonoscopy is planned for November.  Praying nothing is found there.  My dad passed away of colon cancer so that is always in the back of my mind.   

This year has changed me.  I don't take as much for granted.  I was always the one that took care of everyone else:  my kids, my dad, my mom, and Kent.  I never gave much thought to my own health.  Yet, our own health is not guaranteed.  Time with our family is not guaranteed.  It only takes a moment for our life to change.  One phone call.  One accident.  One test result.  For many of us that have gone through these health challenges, there will always be a before and after.

I am a strong person who has been through a lot in my life.  I will forever be thankful to God for protecting me from my childhood abuse and all the way through these past 12 months and everything in between. I know that it could have ended up much worse.  I also know that nothing that I did changed the outcome.  My life was and always will be in the hands of God first. The many skilled doctors second.  I’m praying the next year holds a lot less doctor’s visits. But a lot more laughter and time spent with family and friends. 

Going Through the What If's

 I got asked about those other moments.  The ones you have to process through when the word Cancer gets connected to you.  My friend wanted to make sure that I'm processing everything and don't burst later.  I assured them that I am not ignoring those times.  Those hard moments are still there.  It's nothing I can choose to put it off to the side.  The "Why Me?" question pops sometimes up when I'm thinking too hard about it.  I think of everything that's happened in my life and I wonder why?  But I can answer that question pretty easily.  Why not me?  There have been far greater people who has gone through worse. Not to minimalize what I've gone through --  from childhood abuse to holding everything together for many years as my husband got worse and passed.  There is a lot of crap in my forty something years. But I am not any better than the next person, so why not me?

But the "what if" question -- now that gets to me.  I want to see my kids happily married.  Successful in what they choose. A few grandkids would be great as well.  I want to be there for those moments.  I want to be there for the that phone call when they still need Mom's advise.  I want to be there for all those moments in between. But, what if  -- those are just My wants?  Not God's plans?  What if God's idea of healing me isn't the same as mine?

As I was putting away the Christmas tree, I wondered if I would be able to do it again next Christmas.  What if I'm not there to yell at Briggs from the sidelines of his first soccer game?  What if I never get to take another vacation with all three of my kids again?  What if the cancer comes back?  Or what if when they take out the cancer - one of those cells land on another organ?  One that cannot be taken out?  Those "what if's" tend to multiply.  The "what if's" just sink my heart.  Make me lose hope. All of the "what if's" reach deep in my heart and squeeze the tears. Leaving me drained and scared.

  

That's when I just a deep breath and cry to God to just calm my heart and my mind.  Lord I just ask for your peace.  A peace that doesn't make sense with everything going around me.  God is Hope and Peace and Love.  All those thoughts that can bring me to my knees -- that is chaos and it does not come from Him.  

Even if -- that's what I'm hanging on to.  It comes from Daniel 3, three guys named Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were being held captive.  The king that held them wanted the 3 of them to bow down and worship the king's god.  The king threatened their lives if they didn't listen.  The three told the King that God could save them but EVEN IF,  He didn't -- they still would not bow down.  Even if they had to die that day  -- they would rather go through it with God.  That's where I'm at once again.   I don't know God's plan is for my life.  I don't know why I am at this point.  I don't know what is going to happen.  I just know that I would not make it without Him. I know that Even if I have go down this path I do not want, I would rather go through it with God.  And those three guys in Daniel -- when you looked in the furnace they were thrown in -- there where 4 walking around unharmed.  Because God does not leave His children during the hard stuff.  He is there with us…. Even If.

Cancer - so now what?

 I am now one of the 81, 610 people in the US that was newly diagnosed with kidney cancer in 2024.  That statistic is really the only one category I fit in.  Risk facts include smoking, high blood pressure, and obesity. (yeah, I am chunky, but I am not that chunky.  None of my doctors has said my weight was an issue)  The average age for kidney cancer is 67 with most diagnosis between ages 60 - 74.  This type of cancer is twice as common in Men.  And kidney cancer is more common in African American, American Indian, and Alaska Native  people.  So, if you look at all of the statistics of kidney cancer -- it should not be me.  I would have never gotten screened for it.  There are no flags popping up that would tell a doctor that I have kidney cancer.  Even my bloodwork showed my kidneys are working fine.  

Honestly, that scares me even more.  There really is not any reason for me to have it.  Without having pain on my side and the doctor ordering a CT scan, no one would ever know until it was too bad to do anything. Kidney cancer does not respond to chemo or radiation.  So as long as it stays to one kidney and does not go to other organs, it can be removed.  But, the urologist told me that by the time my bloodwork shows anything - it has grown and sometimes moved to surrounding organs.   

I do believe that God is taking care of me.  That CT scan saved my life.  The general surgeon that took my gallbladder out told me that it was a lot worse than it looked in the scans.  My gallbladder was twisted and filled with bile.  It could have burst and made me septic.  The post-op nurse was reading everything about my gallbladder and she told me that it really was a good thing that it came out when it did.   I never did have any pain or symptoms of gallbladder problems. Even when met with the doctor before having my gallbladder removed, he let me make the decision to remove it or not.  Like it was optional.  

My next step is surgery to remove the kidney cancer and surrounding cells.  If I was not the youngest patient at the urologist, they do have other options to give patients another 10 to 15 years.  This procedure isn't usually done when your in your 70's because this surgery is apparently painful and evasive. Since your kidneys are connected to your coronary arteries, it has to be clipped to slow blood flow.   Then your kidney has to be iced to slow blood even more.  They take out what they need to, test the cells that are left, and then put you back together again.  However, since I am only in my 40's, surgery is the best option for it not to come back or to keep growing.  I'll be in the hospital around 5 days just to regulate my high doses of pain medication. I'll be off work for the whole month of March. Praying that 4 weeks will be enough and not the 6-8 weeks that they recommend.  

I praise God that He got me to the doctor before things got worse.  I know that I have some rough times ahead of me. It will not be easy.  I will have days and moments that will be hard. But, honestly no one is ready for the word cancer.  Cancer is beyond our control.  We can't just turn our back and ignore that word.  As much as I like to hide my head in the sand - it is not an option.  Even If this is in front of me  - I choose to believe that God’s got this covered.

The Scary "C" Word...

In 2022, my word for the year was Breathe.  It was a hard couple years watching Kent's decline.  I needed a year to just Be...To stop...To rest... To mentally adjust to everything that I had gone though.   And figure out what a new normal might look like.  Last year my word was Wellness.  It was way past time to take care of me.  Walking a few more steps and eating a few more vegetables.  Add in a few doctor appointments.  

This year, my word is Trust.  You see some of those doctor's appointments, didn't go as planned.  In October, I finally went to the doctor for some pain I was having in my lower abdomen.  Doctor said it must be an abdominal hernia.  No big deal.  Easy-Peasy surgery and I'll be good to go.  I was sent for a CT scan to confirm.  I really was not worried.  Doctor was confident that was the issue.

Until that wasn't the issue.  It's never a good thing when doctor says they need to see you today.  The feeling of dread is pretty instant.  Those hours until my appointment went so slow.  Then, suddenly, your in the doctor's office and I was handed a list on a post-it note of everything they found in the CT scan.  Hernia was not on the list.

Enlarged spleen, cysts on ovaries, fibroid on uterus, porcelain gallbladder, kidney stones, and spot on kidneys.  I believe there might have been something else as well, but I can't remember right now.  My first thought was -- let's go back to the hernia diagnosis.  That sounds a whole lot better then the list I was just handed. 

So, next step was more tests to schedule with lots of different doctors.  MRI got scheduled and a pelvic ultrasound.  Appointment with surgeon for my gallbladder.  Appointment with urologist.  Plus a gynecology appointment scheduled Christmas Eve.  All of this happened in about 6 weeks.  All of a sudden, I went from barely going to the doctor to one appointment after another. 

On November 26th, I went in for my MRI.  The next day, I got the phone call.  The results from the MRI were already in and the doctors' called and told me over the phone that I have a renal cell carcinoma.  My brain could not wrap about it.  What??  So, I asked -- In normal English what does that mean??  Then the words -- kidney cancer.  You need to get into an urologist soon to figure out the next steps.  Hanging up that phone call and acting like everything was okay was hard.  But my mom was right there and I wasn't ready to talk about it.  I hadn't absorbed the information myself.  So, let's fake it through these next few weeks and get through the holidays.

I did, of course, Google everything that night.  Don't we all?  I did make sure and look at medical websites.  Or the ones that look like medical websites anyway.  Kidney cancer apparently does not respond to chemo or radiation. (scary thought!) That as long as it stays on the kidney, surgery should be able to remove it.  

But -- cancer?!?!  After everything that I've been through  --  that word is now my diagnosis? That word is now part of me.  Kent used to make a joke to me that he had everything but cancer.  And, here I am.   It's been over a month now and I still doesn't seem real.  It hits me every once in a while when I least expect it.  I'd be Christmas shopping and find myself crying in the isle.  Or a song in the car.  Cancer changes everything.  There is now a time before cancer.  And a time after the cancer diagnosis.  It's a marker in my life now.  That word is scary and it holds power.  My mind will go a little crazy with that word at times.  "What if" can be a scary thing.

Then I remember -- Jesus has the real power.  I am Trusting God through this.  He is the reason that I have made it this far. He is the reason that I can raise my hands to praise and sing even while I cry.  So now my "what if" is turning into an "even if."

Time to Fall Apart

 I have to admit -- I am one of those Momma's that haven't taken very good of herself.  I've definitely put myself last for most of my life.  My kids, of course, always came first.  I love being a Momma.  While my kids were still young, my dad got cancer and my brother stepped away.  So it was on me to take care of.  My husband had his first heart issues at 39 years old.  Then, for the next 15 years he collected doctors, surgeries, and appointments.  My mom's crazy finally got diagnosed because I got her to a hospital by lying to her.  Once again, my brother bowed out.  The Lord knows it's been a lot.  I know that's why He protected me and this frail body for so many years.  I was holding things together for too many people.

Who has time to fall apart?  

As a mom, so many times we feel the weight of our little world right on our shoulders.  And we just keep going... keep pushing.  Doing this.  Going here.  Signing up for this or that.  Going and going just trying to make it to the next day. Running and running on the hamster wheel of life.  Because if I don't do it.  Then no one else will.  And then apparently, the world will fall apart.   Or so I tell myself.

Not that I never went to the doctor.  I went once or twice a year for strep to a walk in clinic.  When I was 40, I decided I would be a big girl and get everything checked out.  So, I went to my husbands PCP and had the panel of blood work done.  I went and got my boobs smooshed so flat ya' wanna cry.  And my feet in the dreaded stirrups we all hate.  Check.  Check.  And Check.  Everything was fine so let's continue with life.  Pushing and running and doing....

Don't worry, yes, 8 years later I finally got my own doctor.  I decided that 2024 would work on my health.  Went to the doctor, got bloodwork checked out, currently on a lifetime of medicine. 😁  Seriously, just one medication -- not bad for years of neglecting myself.  I can look back at the year and say, that yes, I am finally taking steps to take better care of me. Should I have done it earlier?  Yeah...  but Life is messy.  And busy. Plans don't always work out the way we wanted them to.  Sometimes plans A, B, And C don't work out. Sometimes plan D is going okay and a curveball comes your way.  We just don't know what is up ahead. 

So where ever that you are on your own journey, take a moment and just breathe.  Whether you have kids screaming, "Momma" and not letting you go pee in by yourself.  Or your in the years where you are their chauffer and they don't want your opinion. (or your rules) Maybe your at home praying they come back in one piece before curfew.  I am at the point where I just want them all around a table laughing as we play a few games.  (unfortunately, it doesn't happen a lot) Life is messy.  And in the middle of the chaos, God is there.   Take a moment.  Or maybe two.  Find the Joy that God is giving you today.  Breathe in the peace that He offers today.  Don't worry -- He has more in store for you tomorrow.  You cannot pour into your family, your friends, or your work -- when you show up with an empty cup.  Take care of YOU.  God has made you for a purpose.  He has put you where you are at for a reason.  Yes, it might be hard.  Yes, you will have times you want to give up.  Just take that moment with God.  Let Him fill you with a strength, peace, love.  Let Him fill your cup so much it overflows.  So, then, you have something to give others.  

And Honey, it takes more than driving through Starbucks to fill you up.   That can be a start. But, you have to take care of you so that you can take care of everyone else.  One cup of coffee isn't going to cut it.  Find your joy.  Find your peace.  Give God a chance to speak to you.  Do those little things to take care of you this year.  It is not selfish.  Don't let others tell you it is.  My husband tried to guilt me when I wanted to hike more on my two free Saturdays a month and it worked for a while.   I stayed home those Saturdays cleaning house, watching him watch tv, or sleep in the chair.  Until I finally told him that I am going, he can choose to go with me, or he can stay home.  It is his choice.  Being out in the woods is good for my mental, physical, and spiritual self.  I needed those couple hours twice a month to take care of me.  What are things that you can do to make you more calm and centered this new year?  How does taking care of you look?   Also, don't be like me and wait 8 years to get a check-up.  We have to get our check engine light checked out before we fall apart.  

Growing Up Is Never Fun

There are times when staying Peter Pan and never growing up sound wonderful. I'd like to escape to Neverland and laugh and play all day. Sleep when you want to.  Eat what you want without gaining weight!!  HELLO! Sign me up!  Okay, yes, I know that part wasn't in any of the Peter Pan movies but if we are having a fantasy world -- no calories will be part of it! :)  Because growing up is hard and there are a lot of parts that suck.  Plain and simple.

Finding out your Dad has cancer and there isn't anything the doctors can do. So hard. Watching your Dad take his last breaths. Hard doesn't even explain it. Now, with my mom, life is hard once again.

My mom was diagnosed with Dementia last year.  But, she was able to fake normal for long enough the insurance said she was fine and kicked out help.  So, I pretended she was fine.  It's so much easier to pretend everything is normal.  When I say "normal,"  I don't mean you and I normal.  I mean, my mother normal.  The paranoid normal that he has been for years.  Where there is listening devices and people following her.  The things that have unfortunately become "normal" for my mother the past several years.  Until you can't pretend anymore.  By the time it reaches this level -- things have gone from okay to really bad. And it did.  I asked for a home visit from the place that treated her last year.  (they have a dementia outreach person)  So, on the 19the of February, my daughter's 18th birthday, she did a home visit.  And there is no more faking normal anymore.  There are pages of notes that my mother openly said.  So, my mother was put in an ambulance and taken to the psychiatric treatment place she was before.

Now, I am having talks about dementia units in nursing homes.  I'm having talks with talks about her insurance and her bills.  I'm having talks about taking away not only her driving but her freedom as well. How is my mother through this?  Angry.  She wasn't happy to see me when when I visited her Sunday.  She knows it is my power of attorney that is keeping her there, so she is asking for it back. The nurses and social worker is putting her off and telling her they can't find it.  But, one day, in the next week -- I will have to have that talk with my mother.  I will have to sign papers and move my mother to a nursing home.  I will make my mother cry.  I will make my mother angry.  She might even hate me for a while.  

This is why my blood pressure is terrible lately. This is why I'm one step away from tears most of the time.  This is why growing up is never fun.  Even in the midst of this mess, I can see God's mercy.  With His help, I will make it through this. 

Reason for the Season

Today is my favorite holiday.  The weather is usually perfect.  The fall leaves are beautiful.  A day to stop in our busy life and just be thankful.  It is a holiday to be surrounded by the family you love, but don't always see.  It's not about gifts, like so much of Christmas is.  It is about coming together to see cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and even friends.  To come together, enjoy a good meal, play a few games, tell lots of stories, and make memories to last.  This year, it is a little different for us.

 We lost G.G. in August of this year.  She lived a long long wonderful life filled with those she loved.  Those memories of her stay with us long after she is gone.  Memories of frisbee, dominoes, and skip-bo.  Memories of "just a little piece" of pie.  (which we proceeded to give her a big slice and she ate it all)  Memories of Thanksgiving with 30+ family members gathered in one place.  I knew this year would be different without her.

 Just this week, I attended two funerals:  A grandfather and a grandmother.  Two that are no longer sick and celebrating on the other side.  However, there are widows, children, and grandchildren that are left with a hole in their heart.  Those Thanksgiving tables were missing some one.  It makes me hold the ones I love a little closer.  The Bible tells us that we are not guaranteed tomorrow.   Two funerals in one week is a big reminder of that.  We have today.  And in the end, stuff won't matter.  It's family.  It's friends.  It's the love we share.

I look around today and wondered what the next year will hold.  If we will all be back to celebrate the next Thanksgiving with the family.  If that sounds morbid, I'm sorry.  But, like I said, it's been one of those weeks.  The grief and sadness I have felt this week, is just a testimony of their lives.  I wouldn't trade the tears I've shed this week because their lives mean something.  Not just to their spouse, kids, and grandchildren.  Their lives meant something to me and to my family.

Thankful....I truly am.  I am thankful for a God that loves me even when I mess up.  I am thankful for my children. And as a list runs through my head....the list is filled with people.  Yes, there are "stuff"...like a home for my family or food on my table.  But, most of all, my thankful list is filled with people.... and so much more than just my three kids. (although they are up there on the list!)  Our little world is so much more than the five of us.   Those people God has put in my life, they are the reason for this holiday.  They are the reason my heart is full. Those are reasons to be Thankful.  There is no place I'd rather be then gathered around a good meal looking upon faces that I love.

Summer of Changes

It's been around 24 days since schools been out.  I am realizing a few things.  The days of staying up until 3 am finishing a book are gone.  I'm old and my eyes are way too blurring at 3 am to be reading small print.  I realize that without a list of things to get done... I am way too easily sidetracked.  :D  I have done nothing of that "oh, I'll get that done during the summer" list.  I have done a lot of hiking.  I have gone to little towns I've never been before.  I have cheered at some soccer games.  I have tried Hurts Donuts and Burton's Creamery.  I have wondered in local book stores.  I've played in the Buffalo River a few times already.  Nothing fancy, but good days.

I look at my kids and I know all of it is about to change.  Joey is starting his second year of college.  Next summer, he wants to be a counselor at YoungLife camp for  month out of state.  Luke will be working full time soon.  These days of just jumping in the van with all three kids will be rare.  Soon enough, it will be just Faith and I.  Well, it will probably be me, Faith, and either:  1.  Cooper  2.  Zoe  Or a combination plus a few more.  And, well, that's okay.

Yeah, I know, I've had to get used to the whole "boyfriend" idea as well.  Look at your baby girls and know that it will happen.  Your little pig-tailed, tomboy, baby girl will soon want to wear dresses and heels.   Probably a lot sooner then you will want.  Hopefully, she will pick some one with some substance and not just a pretty face or the star of  the football team.  Faith has picked a good one.  Which, one side of me, makes me proud of her....the other side makes me worried because she is only 15.  They are just babies but they've been together almost two years already.  They have so much ahead of them -- good and bad. 

But, he is her best friend and she is his, which is the way it should be. So, we will make room for one more.  Just as his family has made room for Faith.  Faith's older brothers have accepted him and like him.  They have found things in common to talk about.  Their favorite is picking on Faith together.  :)   High school years can bring many changes as kids figure out who they really are and their groups of friends usually change.  Who knows what will happen over the next 3 years.  I am glad that they have each other as they begin this next chapter.  I've realized that the word boyfriend doesn't always mean drama, which is what I feared.  Relationships in junior high and high school are so up and down and drama filled that I didn't want any part for my kids.  I wanted my kids to grow up and figure out who they really are before dealing with that drama.  But, Faith and Cooper have shown that it doesn't have to be that way.  Will they make it through high school and college together?  They have a better chance than most.  I have no way of knowing, but I am glad he is here now. And, I expect him to be around for many more adventures. 

My Judgemental Self

My kids have been giving a hard time about being judgemental lately.  Telling me that I am such a judgemental person.  But, I beg to differ.  I really am pretty open.  Tattoos, long hair on guys, weird fashion statements....what ever.  May not agree with having a tattoo of an eye on your bald head but if you can live with it, then so can I.  Not to get political, but I even figure that it is not my right to judge whether it is right or wrong to be gay.  I'll let God decide that.  It is not for me to judge.  The Bible says to love your neighbor.  You can't do that if your condemning them to Hell from across the street.  There is one thing that I know I am judgemental on. Girls that dress slutty.  I just want to slap the girl's momma's or ask the adults "did you even look in the mirror??"

 Okay, girls if you are walking around with a wedgie -- your shorts might be too tight.  Seriously, it doesn't even look comfortable.  Just last night there was a 15 year old with shorts like this.  No, this is not her.  I am not some weird stalker talking pictures of a little girls booty!  Geez guys, give me a break!

Oh, and we live in the middle of it all:   horror stories of people at Wal-Mart! I'd gladly see some one in the pj's compared to the lady yestereday.  I went to Wal-Mart and while driving out of the parking lot there was a fairly large lady with skinny jeans, tight low cut shirt, and 4 or 5" red high heels.  Yes, quite the combo there.  As I am sitting in the van and asked my kids if they saw the lady with the red heels, they totally missed it.  I know it's bad, but a part of me was a bit sad so we could talk about how bad she look. :D  See, yes I am so judgemental on the slutty look and I admit it.

I know it's human nature to look at other's and size them up.  Appearance is part of that.  My oldest really doesn't get it.  He wears clothes that don't match half the time and totally does not look at appearances.  I'll say something about some one walking by and he seriously doesn't even notice.  In a way, I am proud that I raised him like that.  It shows me that besides the slutty look... I'm not really a judgemental person.  Otherwise, Joey would be more judgemental than he is. (that's logical, right?)

If girls could just keep things a little more covered or sometimes looser, we could all get along.  Shorts are not supposed to be the same size as your underwear. Having your boobs hang out of your shirt might be great at a nightclub,but I don't need to see that at Wal-Mart.  Skinny jeans and 4" heels can really only be pulled off by Beyonce.  And I know this sounds REALLY old fashioned, but here it goes:  just because you have the body to pull off a bikini doesn't mean you really need to wear one.  Yeah, the whole everyone has one, doesn't work for this Momma.  Don't care.  Not going to say that everyone who wears one looks slutty, but just saying my daughter isn't wearing one.  You can look more attractive covering up a little bit then putting it all out there.  I know that makes me sound really old, but little triangles covering up my baby girl is not going to work.

There it is.  My judgemental self is out there now, warts and all.  If your one of those Momma's that let your teenage daughter wear the triangles for a swimsuit or underwear for shorts, I apologize now for the thoughts that will go through my head this summer.  Being a mom to a teenage girl is hard and we have to make tough decisions. In some ways, I guess I am more conservative than I thought.  I know that there are times, my daughter does not agree with me, but I am hoping that in long run -- she will. 

Life of a Teenager

One of the facts of my life right now:  my kids are big.  That does come with some perks.  No fighting over what clothes to wear...most of the time.  No more Bob the Builder (Luke), Dora the Explorer(Faith), or Bear in the Big Blue House(Joey) playing loudly through the house.  Although, I didn't mind watching Sponge Bob.  There isn't anymore getting frantically shook at 5 am on Christmas morning.  Nor is there playing at the park and pushing swings.  okay....that seriously went to sad and depressing.  :(

It is a part life that I am slowly accepting.  The good and the bad.  As my kids grow and change, it also changes me.  When my kids were small, teenagers seemed like they were from another planet and that stage of life really intimidated me.  I am on my third teenager now and I am like "bring it!"  Okay -- not everyday.  But there are some days I can say that!! :D  And being around 10 or more

teenagers at the same time is normal now.  My boys have warped my sense of humor but if you ask them -- they gave me a sense of humor.  I get guy humor now.  Unfortunately.  First time I watched Rat Race, I seriously left and read a book.  Boys thought it was so funny.  Years later, watched it again -- I was laughing so hard I was crying.  I won't even say some of the other movies I find funny now.  It is not something I am proud of.  You would think I am really stupid.  Let's leave it as, my boys have definitely changed me.

My boys are practically grown and I am on to a different species now. I just want to take a moment and say Thank you to God.  I wanted two girls and two boys.  God probably laughed at that request because He knew these years would come.  I've heard many horror stories that once their daughter went into high school their eyes rolled back in their heads and starting spinning around possessed by something that was not their sweet baby girl.   The stories are scary and I am hoping they are exaggerated.  I am praying that my daughter stays her sweet, level headed, Jesus-lovin' self.  That not only will I love her the next couple years, but that I like her as well.  I'll be a second mom to as many she brings to me, but I don't want to be the one they roll their eyes at and makes them clean their room.  :)

I am learning to enjoy each phase of my kids lives.  Not to take it for granted.  Soon enough, they will be graduated with real jobs and families of their own.  Let's not rush into it.  The real world is not always as much fun as you think it will be.  Joey has kinda realized that since graduating high school.  Those days you wish would be over, soon enough are -- and your kids get just a little bit bigger. You wonder were the time went.  And you would like some of it back.

Forgiveness

"Life with God is not immunity from difficulties,

but Peace in difficulties."  --  C.S. Lewis

Where would we be without the strength and comfort of God?  I honestly don't understand how the non-believers make it through life.  Our life can be hard at times:  kids, parents, relationships, financial, health...the list can go on and on.  And if this life is all that there is, why keep going?

I did not grow up in church or in a family that prayed or even talked about God.  Did they believe in God? I am not sure.  I had friends that went to church but I never had a relationship with God myself.  For me, there was a very distinct line in my life: before God and after.  I grew up with abuse in my home.  There was always the big elephant in the middle of the room that no one dared mention.  I couldn't even tell my friends. There was little hope and I didn't understand why this happened to me.  Why is this my life?

I had to get to the bottom of my pit before I was ready. The anger I had built up.  The emptiness I felt.  The feeling of being all alone against the world as a teenager -- it was devastating.   That's where God found me.  Broken and empty.  God didn't swoop in and change my circumstances, but He gave me hope.  With God, I was able to let go of the anger and forgive even the unforgivable.  I was able to mend relationships with my family and go on from there.

I am able to see what life would be like if I had not let God heal my heart.  My brother has built walls, holds grudges, and holds on to his anger.  What has that given him?  He is missing out on being an uncle to three great kids.  He wouldn't even know Joey if he passed him on the street and we live in the same town!!  He was never there the 2 years that God gave me with my Dad before he passed away of cancer.  He never attended any doctor appointments.  He never called my dad to grab lunch.  My Dad's funeral was the last time I actually saw him. My brother doesn't have a relationship with any of his family.

Family is too precious.  I've drove many miles to watch my niece and nephew play baseball and soccer.  Baked many cookies, cheesecakes and chocolate cakes for them as well.  I would never give up my role as their favorite aunt.  :)  My adult nieces will sit by me...sometimes on me...hold my hand and catch up.  My nephew is married and hopefully be bringing a baby in family in the next couple years.  Love them!!  I can't imagine being like my brother and not having those relationships.  It makes me sad for him.  People are irreplaceable.

So is God.  That empty feeling inside your heart cannot be filled with stuff. Nor can it be filled with any person in your life. It's amazing the way God made you.  That place is reserved especially for Him. 

"Dear children, keep away
 from anything that 
might take God's 
place in your hearts."

1 John 5:21

Sonic Run

Having three kids gives you PLENTY of opportunity to see how you've screwed up.  Especially as they have gotten older.  You just pray that your mess ups, have not truly messed them up.  That one day as an adult, my son is not laying on a couch spilling crap to a therapist about how messed up his childhood was.

As dysfunctional as my childhood was, I am the "normal" one of my siblings.  It  took my getting to my breaking point at 19 or 20 years old and God meeting me where I was.  But that is another story.....  This time I want to talk about my friend down the street growing up.

I had a friend down the street named Janice.  She was old enough to be my mom, but she truly was a friend. We made runs to Sonic for a Cherry Limeade and onion rings just to sit in her car and talk.  She made time for me even though I was stupid kid with way too many issues.  Yeah, she had plenty of issues of her own, but maybe that is what helped us bond.  Janice's friendship was there through the twists and turns of adolescents when I needed someone stable to love me and listen. As an adult, I realize how special and needed that friendship was to me.

My two oldest are boys and you basically have to pry any information out of them growing up.  I unfortunately didn't really get to know any of their friends.  I only remember having one of Joey's friends go hiking with us once.  Even now, I still don't know who Joey considers to be good friends.  Luke is thankfully close friends with some one we have known their family forever.  My boys are basically adults and I just pray for God to watch over them and make good choices.  Just looking back, wish I did things a little differently.

Faith has been a change from the secret society of boys.  She tells me most (not stupid enough to think I know it all!!) of what is going on in her life. I started having band nights once a month

with a group of her friends.  Yeah, I am sure that she probably wishes that I just would drop her off, but it has given me an opportunity to get to know her friends.  (It has also given me a chance to know her boyfriend as well.  I am happy to say that my girl has good taste.)  I've built relationships with the girls.  They have my number and have texted me before.  I've texted them as well.  It has given me that chance to be that adult friend for some one else.  Some one that can love on them, listen, give advice, but is not mom.  I know as long as I try those relationships will grow with time.  We all need a cheerleader in the background.  I'm fine with being that person.  Who knows what they will be facing in the text few years of their life?  High school is around the corner and there is both good and bad during those three years.  I want to be that person willing to make that Sonic run or if it's really bad, grab a tub of chocolate ice cream and sit at the park with two spoons.  :)

Snow Day Contest!

What is it snow days that makes me so happy?

It's not just because it's a day off.  If I needed one that badly, I could just take one of my personal days. I think it is because it's different.  The world kind of stops for a moment.  I don't have to get up and head some where.  I  get a day AT HOME with my kids.  I love it!

It's 9 am and I am still in my pajamas.  Which doesn't happen any day of the week!  Saturdays and Sundays are too busy for that.  A pot of soup will soon be on my stove.  I sit under blanket with my laptop open with fur babies resting beside me.  Life is good.  And I just take a moment to say Thank You Lord for truly a day of rest.

Yes, I will finish my laundry up today.  And dishes will get dirty and washed.  A precious little girl's birthday present will get finished today.  But today will also include some home made spinach dip while we play board games.  A glass of hot chocolate in the afternoon.  If we have enough snow, it will even include some snow ice cream.  Just moments that don't happen everyday.  They seem to only happen with the snow keeping us inside.

It's no wonder why I love snow days so much.  It means family, together at home. And since I'm in such a good mood... how about a Snow Day Celebration?  It has been a long time since I've done any drawings.  How about a breakfast basket?  Scones, muffins, banana bread...that kinda thing.  :)  Just leave your name in the comments and you'll be entered to twin.  Must be able to meet me in NWA to pick up basket.  Good Luck everyone! 

Jen

The Odd Duckling

"This world is not my home, I'm just a passing through

My treasures are laid up, somewhere beyond the blue

The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door

And I can't feel at home in this world anymore"

Remember that old hymn?  That song has been in the back of my mind the past few weeks.  I find it popping in my head at various times on different days. Someday are worse than others....but I just feel so out of place.

Yep, that's me in the middle of all the white swans. Everyone has their own paths with ups and downs.  Each road has its own struggles.  Yet, most of the time, I feel like the odd one out there.  In a world of  bi-weekly pedicures, shopping, and nice dinners out like it's nothing unusual. That is not me.  It's not where I'm at.  My toes get chipped, I think that I really need to paint my toes.  Sometimes it gets done -- but then days become weeks while just doing life and I look down at my toes at night and think....I really need to paint my toes. And the cycle continues until a week or two later, I finally get it done! :) 

Even my daughter is going through this right now.  She is now 12.  Her favorite day of the week is Wednesday because of small groups.  She loves to play soccer.  Her clothes everyday of the school year is either jeans or yoga pants with a t-shirt.  Usually with her hair pulled back in a ponytail.  While I very thankful that she doesn't spend 30 minutes to an hour getting ready every morning, I would like her hair down once in a while.  :/  Anyway, if you remember this age, the boy craziness is starting. Several of her friends are already there. Luckily we have by passed this so far.  I'll take the grace that God has given me!  :)  Having two older brothers that can be nasty and disgusting I'm sure helps by showing boys in a different light. haha!!  getting sidetracked.... But she is the odd one.  There are no boyfriend stories for her.  No trying to look nice to empress a boy.  Just Faith being Faith.  Which is all I could ask for.

The picture I like to take :)  Such a pretty girl

Then there is the true picture :D

But God created us to be different.  We are called to be like Christ. Ephesians 4:24  "and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."   That's a lot to live up to. Christ was not accepted and loved by all.  He did not just go with the crowd.  He was the odd duckling. The were multiple times in the Bible were Jesus talked to some one people thought he shouldn't.  He didn't do what others told Him was right.

It can be hard to be different.  We all are actively seeking acceptance, whether we realize it or not.  Have you ever thought about it like that?  You are seeking acceptance.  I am seeking it.  It just matters where you are looking for acceptance that matters.  Is it God?  Is it the world?  We are all born with a hole in our heart.  We look for things to fill it, when all along, we only needed God.  So being different, it's okay.  The acceptance of Christ is all you will ever need.


"Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."  Colossians 4:5-6

Little Eyes Looking At Us

It feels like it's been forever since I've been able to write on here! My computer was on the brink and I just don't like to write at the library. But, I am back y'all! :)  To catch everyone up, lets see... kids are now in school.  For the first time, I didn't get a first day of school picture.  :(  I think one of mine was still in bed moaning when I left for work actually!  I now have a junior, sophomore, and a 7th grader.  My kids are getting bigger and older, hopefully I am getting a bit wiser.  One thing I realize, it doesn't matter how big they get  ---  little eyes are always watching me.

I know today that I am one of the most important examples for my children to look up to.  How I treat others is how they learn to treat others.  What is important to me is what will become important to them.  And we all know that action speaks louder than words.... So, what is important to me?  And to them??

How should I even begin to unravel these questions?  To me, something of importance is something that you do even when it's not convenient.  Let's look at an example.  One of the first things that pops in my mind is the importance of God and church.  So, how am I proving this to my kids? They know when I am struggling with problems, I am praying to God.  I am leaning on His strength. Sometimes it is in the little things.   Like for example, I have to set my alarm for church.  I love to sleep or lounge in my pj's.  But, I have a weekly alarm for me to get up and ready for church.  I make small group night a priority.  I  co-teach a class for junior high.  My kids see in my actions every week that God and church is a priority. Now, even when I am dragging and my pj's are feeling a little too comfy on Sunday morning, my kids are pushing me to get me up and ready because they are ready to go.  They have God and church as a priority in their life now.

Another subject of importance for me would be serving others.  That is why we volunteer.  That's why I am on the youth board.  That's why we help before we are asked.  My kids now have a heart for service.  They love to get out there and help others.  I know that if I didn't take them to nursing homes and bake cookies for firemen when they were little, it would seem odd to them now.  Seeing my children serve others makes me so proud.

I am not a perfect mother.  I have moments that I am not proud of.  But, those big things like God, service, and family are a priority in my life.  I don't just talk about them and their importance.  I show my kids with my actions, that they are important.  What are your examples showing your kids?  What is important to you?  Work?  Yourself?  A bigger home?  A new car?  Are you showing by example that God and church doesn't matter?  Remember, actions speak louder than words.  What do your actions say?

Spring Break!!

I must be getting old.  I admit it now.  (Tomorrow I might be in denial, so take it moment by moment people! LOL)  I've been looking around at social media this week and looking at everyone's vacation photos --  New York, California, Colorado, ect. ..... beautiful pictures that look like fun.  We have been home.  And.. it is right where I want to be.  I don't take it for granted like I used to.

We've been working on the home that God has blessed us with.  Yes, the kids would rather be some where else then having mom tell them to get their work clothes on.  But, what a blessing the past few days have been. Digging in the dirt and playing with the worms.  A friend gave me some lilies to add to my collection up front.  So the front is almost full! :)  In the back flowerbed, I'll be replanting some of the plants Ms. Myrtle left me that have been struggling to survive for several years.  The ornamental grass and the cannas are going.  I found homes for the cannas.   It has not much fun digging that grass up.  My thighs might be sore, but progress makes me feel good!

The original flowerbed with overgrown ornamental grass, cannas, daffodils,
and bushes.  There is even tulips in there!  The flowers were so overgrown
with grass  they barely flower.

We finished the front flowerbed and halfway through the side one.  Blank canvas
 waiting to be planted!

So spring break is almost over.  My house is still dirty.  My laundry is still not caught up.  But, I still have that feeling of accomplishment.  We did get some things done around here.  Fall might be my favorite season, but spring is a close second.  :)  My lilies and hostas that I planted last year are breaking through the dirt.  Love it!  We are almost through digging up the years of overgrown stuff.  Bushes are about gone!!  One more left at the end of flowerbed.  I think Ms. Myrtle would like what we've done.  Things she just couldn't do any longer.  We did get to squeeze in a fun day in Eureka Springs. I hope that you've enjoyed your spring break whether it's been all fun or work days or a mixture of both!

Faith and my niece, Abby, sharing some ice cream :)

A small catch up!

Hello Blogger Friends!  Have you forgotten about me?  I can't really blame you.  After all, it's been about 3 months without a word from me.  I wish I could say something deep in meaningful about the break...but I can't.  I guess the only deep moment would be that I was living life instead of writing about it.  :)  The south has had some crazy weather.  We've seen snow...and snow... and then more snow.  You'd think that with those snow days home from school/work that I would have written a post or two.  But honestly, my oldest son is 16 1/2 (yes, he informed me of the half last week!)  and as my kids grow bigger, I know my time with them is short.  Snow days are days spent with my kids.  Faith and I love board games.  Then Luke will come and join us.  Joey will want to watch movies with us.  And I know that I only have a few more years of this left.  :( 

Faith and Teddy out during one of the many snows :)

Uncle Brent with Joey and Luke (they LOVE having their pic taken)

Well, I am going to have to go and get busy.  It's a nice Saturday morning.  Faith just went to soccer practice with the coach so I could get some stuff done around here with the boys.  I'm going in to wake the sleeping lions!  They love it when I have a work day planned! :D  Hope you enjoy your weekend with your family.  Enjoy those moments because they will be grown before your ready. 

Fall Pictures!

My babies are so big.  Okay...well, guess I should #1 stop calling them babies.  (even though they can still act like it at times!)  But, every time I do family pictures, I realize it even more!

Joey is 16 now, Luke is 14 1/2, and Faith is 11 1/2.  It seems unreal to me in so many ways.  How did all those years go by so fast?  When did they get so old?  Luckily, I don't age as quickly as they do!! ;D

I hope that you get pictures of your family this Thanksgiving.  And, I hope that your table if full with family around and abound with delicious food for all. 

Joey, Luke, and Faith

My little 5 pound baby boy has turned into a 16 year old!  Well, Monday is his birthday.  It is just hard to believe that he is in 10th grade just two years away from graduating!  :(  Can we stop time for a little while and let me just enjoy these days while I can?  Once school starts the busyness increases.  Band practice twice a week after school.  Friday night is high school football with (of course) the band.  I just want to enjoy these years with him.  Not rush through them.  I love this picture of him.  Monsters Inc. was the first movie that I ever took them to in the theater.  I look at this picture of him and Mike and think of the first time he saw it in the theater and was amazed how big the screen was!  I've been teasing him that for his 16th birthday that I would throw him a Quinceañera.  He always tells me that he is not Mexican and it's the wrong birthday.  :D

Faith is still fundraising for soccer.  She has been selling some para-cord bracelets at school.  I've made some burlap door hangers.  BUT, the price is about $2,000 for just two of us.  So, without some big fundraising and donations, we may not be able to go.  We are trying until the end though!!!  We are praying that God will provide and bless our efforts.  We have a rummage sale coming up that will be for the 6 of us.  As well as a pancake breakfast at Applebees.  Hopefully that will bring the costs down!!  If you know of anything that can help, please let me know!

Luke is a construction class this year at the high school, then they bus him back to the junior high.  He is also in FFA for the first year and in a beginning welding class.  Luke is enjoying school again.  He has more classes that he likes compared to the basics that he is required to have.  :)  Of course, we still need to work on his reading.

I look at my family and I am know that I am blessed.  And I am thankful for God's watchful eyes keeping us safe.  It is hard to believe that my babies are so big, but I know what a blessing it is to be a Mom.  I am thankful.

Starting the Fundraising...

Back to the busyness of life.  School.  Band practice.  Soccer practice.  Game days/nights.  Meetings with the school for this or that.  Church on Wednesday nights.  AAAhhhhhhh!!!  I love those few and far between nights when there is nothing.

Now, those nights are even filled.  We have kicked into fundraiser time.  My oldest son, Joey, is a tuba player in high school.  This coming summer they head to New York City and play at the Statue of Liberty.  How awesome is that???!!!! Parent meeting for that trip is this week.  Then my daughter, Faith, played in some 3 vs 3 tournaments this summer.  They placed high enough to where they are invited to play in Disney World in January.  I know...how awesome, right?

Well, both of those trips will have some pretty price tags along with those opportunities.  We've started a few school fundraisers for band already.  I'm sure this week, I'll have to sign up for a monthly payment to be put in Joey's account.  But, honestly, his is in the summer so I have a little time for that.  Faith's is in January.  That means I have September through December to raise enough funds.  Tough months to be saving for a trip.

We are doing several fundraisers as a team to be split among us.  Garage sale will be coming up so if you have anything you'd like to donate to the cause, just let me know! :)  An Applebees breakfast we will squeeze in.  But, on top of the fundraisers for the team, I am going to have to do some fancy fundraising myself to help cover our costs.  So, of course, Faith and I will be doing a bake sale.  I ordered a plastic 3 pack cupcake carrier  (think Harps or Wal-Mart plastic cupcake carriers).   Faith and I will be baking and packaging them up.  Then, selling them for $5.  More affordable and moist than Bliss and it's going for a good cause! :)  So, if you or your hubby works at a place that can help us out with our cupcake selling, PLEASE let me know.  ANY help will be appreciated.  Just let me know how many you'd like to take and what day works for you to take them. 

I am also getting a crafty for some fundraising.  There isn't a finished product yet.  I got a few half way done today so hopefully I can squeeze an hour or two this week to finish a them up.  Here is hoping that this week you have a few moments to just sit.  Moments to not do anything.  Even if those moments are fleeting, we all need a few of them.  :)