Cancer - so now what?

 I am now one of the 81, 610 people in the US that was newly diagnosed with kidney cancer in 2024.  That statistic is really the only one category I fit in.  Risk facts include smoking, high blood pressure, and obesity. (yeah, I am chunky, but I am not that chunky.  None of my doctors has said my weight was an issue)  The average age for kidney cancer is 67 with most diagnosis between ages 60 - 74.  This type of cancer is twice as common in Men.  And kidney cancer is more common in African American, American Indian, and Alaska Native  people.  So, if you look at all of the statistics of kidney cancer -- it should not be me.  I would have never gotten screened for it.  There are no flags popping up that would tell a doctor that I have kidney cancer.  Even my bloodwork showed my kidneys are working fine.  

Honestly, that scares me even more.  There really is not any reason for me to have it.  Without having pain on my side and the doctor ordering a CT scan, no one would ever know until it was too bad to do anything. Kidney cancer does not respond to chemo or radiation.  So as long as it stays to one kidney and does not go to other organs, it can be removed.  But, the urologist told me that by the time my bloodwork shows anything - it has grown and sometimes moved to surrounding organs.   

I do believe that God is taking care of me.  That CT scan saved my life.  The general surgeon that took my gallbladder out told me that it was a lot worse than it looked in the scans.  My gallbladder was twisted and filled with bile.  It could have burst and made me septic.  The post-op nurse was reading everything about my gallbladder and she told me that it really was a good thing that it came out when it did.   I never did have any pain or symptoms of gallbladder problems. Even when met with the doctor before having my gallbladder removed, he let me make the decision to remove it or not.  Like it was optional.  

My next step is surgery to remove the kidney cancer and surrounding cells.  If I was not the youngest patient at the urologist, they do have other options to give patients another 10 to 15 years.  This procedure isn't usually done when your in your 70's because this surgery is apparently painful and evasive. Since your kidneys are connected to your coronary arteries, it has to be clipped to slow blood flow.   Then your kidney has to be iced to slow blood even more.  They take out what they need to, test the cells that are left, and then put you back together again.  However, since I am only in my 40's, surgery is the best option for it not to come back or to keep growing.  I'll be in the hospital around 5 days just to regulate my high doses of pain medication. I'll be off work for the whole month of March. Praying that 4 weeks will be enough and not the 6-8 weeks that they recommend.  

I praise God that He got me to the doctor before things got worse.  I know that I have some rough times ahead of me. It will not be easy.  I will have days and moments that will be hard. But, honestly no one is ready for the word cancer.  Cancer is beyond our control.  We can't just turn our back and ignore that word.  As much as I like to hide my head in the sand - it is not an option.  Even If this is in front of me  - I choose to believe that God’s got this covered.

New Start

It is very telling when I log into my blog that I've always enjoyed writing and the last blog I actually posted was in 2018.  On my list there are three posts that I started to write in 2019, but I never finished... never posted.  Three posts with the same message of confusion.  Three pleas for God's help.  Three posts wondering why life has to be like this. Three posts wishing things were different.

But guess what?  It's a new year.  My circumstances haven't changed. The same baggage that I just couldn't even bring myself to finish writing about is still here. However,  I have changed.  Not going to lie and say it's something dramatic like a butterfly emerging from it's cocoon.  This "butterfly" here is defiantly more moth like.  And honestly, I think I might still be in the cocoon.  Who knows? 
 
What ever it is, I have finally realized something.  That no matter how bad the circumstances are... you still need to take care of you.  I haven't done that in a while.  Not emotionally.  Not physically.  Not mentally.  I've just been on autopilot going through the days making sure everyone else is taken care of.  At night, praying and asking for help before falling asleep.  Just to wake up and do it all again.  Yes, there were some good days in there.  Those times with family and friends would be an awesome break from the monotonous routine.   It really wasn't a depression either.  Just autopilot.

I am turning off autopilot this year.  For 2020, my words this year is Intentional.  Isn't that a great word?  I've been trying to find a word that fit through out January and I kept coming up with phrases or two words.  Finally, last week it came to me.... Intentional.  I am taking care of me physically, emotionally, and mentally.  I am being intentional with the food I'm eating.  I've only lost 8 pounds so far but I'm eating so much healthier. I'm eating things I never thought I'd eat. 

I'm being very intentional about the connection with family and friends.  I need that so much.  I believe that we all do.  So, I'm looking at the monthly calendar and at least once a month, I'm scheduling time with friends or family.  In January, we went to a couple game nights beginning of the month and had Mexican food with friends at the end of the month.  Last night, was a game night with two great families.  Laughter with others is such a blessing from God.  Those moments don't just happen.  Last year while I was on autopilot, they only happened every few months.  If you break that down, that is only 4 or 5 times last year!  They don't take much effort.  It just takes being intentional, making the time, and scheduling it.

That is the example I want to set for my kids.  I want them to see that no matter how busy life is, take time to connect and laugh with those people God puts in your life.  There is enough hard stuff.  There are plenty of tears in this life. There are plenty of circumstances to make you worry and pray about.  But, there should also be laughter.  There needs to be more walk with your dog.  More veggies on your plate.  Let's turn off the autopilot, look around at the people around us, and be intentional. 

Look back and ahead to 2013

I was looking through a few of my old posts.  I usually write one the first day or two of the New Year about the upcoming year.  I try to pick a word for the New Year. Sometimes looking back, I get it right.  Other times, not so much.

In 2009, our focus was forgiveness.  My father had been diagnosed with cancer and that year he was getting worse.  He passed away in November of that year.  Before he passed, we were able to talk everyday about the past and present.  We were able to have that time to work through things that were never talked about.  (big elephant in the room growing up which no one talks about kinda thing)  I treasure that time I was given with my Dad before he passed.

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away

from you, along with all malice.   Be kind to one another, tenderhearted,

forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."  Ephesians 4:31-32

2010 was a year of struggles.  My husband's health had gotten worse.  Heart disease, diabetes, asthma, and high blood pressure.  That was a stress on all of us.  We also down sized from a house to an apartment.  That was so hard to go through everything when you've lived there 10 years knowing you couldn't take it with you.  Yet, with God's help, I realized that it is just stuff.  Things that God wanted to strip me of to so that I could refocus.  (Looking back gives perspective)

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.  Every branch in me that does

not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that

it may bear more fruit."  John 15:1-2

In 2011, our word was faith.  I was hoping that our struggles would have been over from the previous year, but I was not through being pruned.  Doctor bills came in from the previous year and surgery.  We had to move yet again.  There was a weekend when the electric was going off in one place and the place we were moving into (and already had utilities turned on) wouldn't let us move because they later asked how many kids we had.  (was not on the application at all)  So, we had one day basically to find and secure a new place to live and get the utilities moved once again.  It was a hard year emotionally for me.  Without faith in God and friends, I wouldn't have made it.

"And the Lord said, “If you had faith like a grain of mustard seed,

 you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the

 sea,’ and it would obey you."  Luke 17:6

Renewal was our word for 2012.  Through the ups and downs, God constantly renews us.  We lift our eyes to our Creator knowing that His plan is what is best.  We know that His timing is right.  So many times, we don't understand.  We want things now.  Yet, this year, I have been able to look back and see how our lives are intertwined and He has what is best for all of us in mind.  God renews.  He renews my strength in the middle of the storm.  He renews my heart in the peace of today.  I know that another struggle is probably headed my way, but my faith has grown so much.  My favorite verse comes to mind.

"He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases

strength.  Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall

fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their

strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run

and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."  Isaiah 40:29-31

So, what of 2013?  It really is hard to say.  My little girl will be moving to middle school.  My oldest will be moving to high school.  (neither one really feels right!!)  I would like our new focus to be compassion.  My family and I have been through many things through the years.  Our life experiences plus our faith in God give us a strength to reach out to others.  Volunteering has always been a love of ours.  I want to be the one to reach out and love on others.  To show that some one cares.  I only have a few more years to pass on this trait to my children.  I want to show by example the difference compassion can make to another.  Jesus came and humbled himself as a servant.  I am definitely no better than He.

^"As an example of suffering and patience, brothers, take the prophets

who spoke in the name of the Lord.  Behold, we consider those blessed

who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job,

and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is

compassionate and merciful."  James 5:10-11

New Beginning...

Luke (3rd), Joey (4th), & Faith (Kindergarten)
My baby girl starting Kindergarten :(

Luke (7th), Joey (8th), & Faith (4th)

Another school year has begun. It's good, right? They are growing and learning and becoming the individuals that God meant them to be. Yet, I can't help but be a little sad at it going by so fast. My oldest is in junior high and taking pre-ap classes! Geez! Luke is the only one in middles school now. Then, there is my baby...my baby is in fourth grade now. My last one in elementary school!

This year started a little different. Usually, Faith picks out her clothes the day before. (The boys you might ask ~ they never cared what they wore! I'm the one who cares if they match! LOL) She would start with her headband and earrings all the way down to the color her toes are painted. She never really dressed up for the first day. Faith would usually pick out carpis or maybe a skort ~ something she can play in! This year: t-shirt, shorts, a ponytail, and flip-flops. No touching up her nails. No fixing her hair. I think her earrings were the ones from the day before. Wow I'm not sure I'm ready for this growing up stuff! :( Ready or not... it is here.

Those little thing are just small signs of the changes to come. Joey will be 14 in October and he will be studing for his driver's license!! (I am cringing inside at the thought!!) The doctor told me when we went to get Faith's physical for camp that I needed to have that talk soon. That girls are starting earlier than they used to and I needed to have THAT talk. ReAlLy?? She is only 9. Please Lord let her stay small a little longer!

I know...I really do...the kids...they are ready to grow and find out what life is about...it's Momma. Just wanting to hang on just a little longer....wishing that it lasted just a little longer!

Making Memories Today

Luke & Abby in 2007

Luke, Faith, & Abby in Jan 2011

Abby at Kindergarten Graduation, May 2011

It feels like just a blink of an eye. Time can go by so fast. Maybe it' me wishing for more Friday's so I can get to the weekends!! :) Yet ~ I can look back at pictures and it brings back memories of when they were younger. I love that picture of Luke and Abby. He was chasing her (again) outside and he finally caught her. The simple joy of a game of chase!

Now, she's graduating kindergarten. Joey will be moving to jr. high. (aaahhhh!!!) Luke's moving to the seventh grade. (how did that happen?) And, my baby girl, Faith will be moving to the big hallway. The fourth and fifth grades. Seriously, yes, I am going to cry. I know it's corny. It's just that those kids in that hallway seem so....B I G. That can't be my baby girl! :( I will have three kids in three different schools for the first time. Kinda' sad...

It won't be long when it's another graduation. Faith will be graduating the 5th grade or Joey will be dressed in Wildcat blue. All too soon, I'll be looking back at these moments ~ these memories ~ these photos ~ wondering where the time has gone. So, I need to make these days not just days, but memories. Then, we'll be able to look back and remember.

First Time...

Where I am ...

It seems weird to be writing again. It has always been the easiest way for me to express myself, yet some how ~ it became lost. In high school, I wrote poetry trying to get my point across. Most of it, never read by others. Then, early twenties, it was the journal. Trying to figure out how my life got to that point and what to do with it now. I'd go to Hastings and buy a couple self help books, read, and journal. I figured out how to Forgive. I learned that forgiveness is not for the other person, but for yourself. I also learned to Let Go. That hanging on to the pain is not true forgiveness, but you must let go so the pain and hurt have no control over you any longer. Looking back, I am amazed really that I got it at such a young age. That is when my relationship with God began. I know that God was there.
Guiding me.

Healing me.

Forgiving me.
I am glad that I learned about forgiveness and letting go then, so I no long carry the baggage from my past. My childhood. I can move on to other lesson's this journey has for me. Fast forward several years and here I am. Still a Follower. A mother of three, two boys and a girl. Still on this journey which only God knows where I'll end up (yes, I know that He does) and what lessons are in store.