It has been a long seven months since I've wrote.
Here it is almost one in the morning and my heart feels heavy...or is it an empty feeling. I'm not sure.
I have been here before. The bottom pit looking up. Crying. Yelling. Telling God that I am not strong enough. I am done. I can't do it anymore.
Please don't think I'm suicidal. I'm ready for God to meet me here. Not for me to meet God there. Big difference!! ;)
I am tired. Emotionally tired and drained. Life keeps stacking things up right now....between an unemployed husband who's health is rapidly declining, to my crazy mother, and my wonderful father-in-law who isn't eating and shrinking in front of our eyes. I am trying to hold it all together because that's what Mom's do.
But, it's slipping a little. Kids will joke with me and I get my feelings hurt. Not a good time to read "Me before you," but yeah, I finally did. Ugly tears were shed. (Another one where the book is so much better than the movie.) My nerves, my heart are just more out in the open and exposed right now. But, I know even this time can be used for good.
I know God hears my cries. I know He has seen my tears. I know that He has heard my heart even when I couldn't say any words out loud. I know this because you don't reach 40 without being here before. And God is true and He has led me through troubled waters before.
I just ask Lord, be my strength because I need You. Guide my footsteps in the days ahead. Fill my heart with peace as only You can. Use me to show others Your love.
Because I know, God meets us right where we are at. In the bottom of the pit. In our confusion trying to make a decision. In middle of the night with screaming baby. When friends may leave us. When health may fail us. What ever mess you find yourself, God will meet us right there. I hold tight to that promise tonight and tomorrow and the next day.
My favorite verse is a good reminder:
"those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary,they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
1 comment:
I love you, Jen! This is making me cry. I was there most of the spring. “I CANT DO THIS!” And I heard a whisper—over and over, even as I fought panic attacks and took 3 minute walks out the cafe around the building between classes so I wouldn’t fall apart...”You can do this. You’ll survive. You are a fighter. You are stronger than you can even begging to imagine!” But I agree...it is exhausting to be the one that’s always strong and always trying to smile...
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