Life Vs. Fairytale

Life isn't always what you plan.  To be honest ~ not much turns out like I plan.  Maybe a batch of cookies or a cake...yes.  Follow the steps and usually you get what the recipe says.  It's not like I start out making coconut cake and end up with a pan of enchiladas.  ;D

Sitting here, I can think back to what I thought my life would be.  I thought I'd finish college and be an elementary teacher, get married sometime, have four kids, and live happily ever after.  My life now is filled with teenagers (you some how forget those sweet precious babies turn into teens!!), dishes, laundry, bills, work...and autism.

Just one of the many things in life that was not in my plans.  Teenagers can be difficult.  I've been told by many seasoned mothers that if you don't kill them ~ it does get better.  In a few years, those hormones balance out and those mouthy moments become less and less.  But, when you add autism in the mix, the balance can really go crazy. 

When Luke was smaller, he would have meltdowns when he would have enough.  On the floor crying is where he would be.  It didn't matter where we were.  Enough was enough.  Although he is bigger, there are still moments when enough is enough.  (don't we all have those moments?)    Meltdowns still happen (about 3 a week) just luckily they are not falling to the floor.  Others who didn't know better, would just say he is cranky during that time.  I can see it in his face when its just cranky or a meltdown waiting to happen.  School...life...is so hard for him.  I just wish....so many things.  I've learned that wishing doesn't help.  Prayer does.

Autism is not just hard on Luke.  Hubby doesn't understand it.  I don't know why it is.  I just know that statically men have a harder time with disabilities than women do.  When Luke was 2-3 and I felt something was wrong, I read and read.  Book after books...ideas after ideas.  I didn't got through denial.  I knew something wasn't right and I needed to find how to help him.  Kent thought I was over reacting for a long time.  (He still thinks I over react.)

There is also Luke's older brother.  I believe that every child always thinks the siblings get away with everything.  Let's not forget that everything is not fair.  (so tired of hearing that!)  I've gotten to where I say that, "nope, it's not fair."  I've explained things time and time again.  Rationally.  Calmly.   But, all it takes is for me to let Luke get away with one thing because he's on the verge of a meltdown ~ suddenly, chaos happens.  No, it's not fair.  There is so much in life that is harder for Luke.  There is so much that Luke may miss out on.  (and already has!)  No, life is not fair.  Lord, please, help Joey to understand your plan.  Help me Lord to see things from Joey's perspective as well.

My little fairytale that I thought about when I was younger...was just that.  A fairytale.  What God has given me is LIFE.  Life is messy.  My plan was the easy road.  God's plan is to strengthen my roots deep in faith.  To trim off my branches so that I may grow straight.  For me to show God's love to others ~ especially when it's undeserved.   To share my faith even when criticized.  God's plan is not the easy road.  There are moments when my prayers are but sounds from my heart and tears from my eyes.  But with Him, I can make it.