Trusting with the scary stuff

In 2022, my word for the year was Breathe.  It was a hard couple years watching Kent's decline.  I needed a year to just Be...To stop...To rest... To mentally adjust to everything that I had gone though.   And figure out what a new normal might look like.  Last year my word was Wellness.  It was way past time to take care of me.  Walking a few more steps and eating a few more vegetables.  Add in a few doctor appointments.  

This year, my word is Trust.  You see some of those doctor's appointments, didn't go as planned.  In October, I finally went to the doctor for some pain I was having in my lower abdomen.  Doctor said it must be an abdominal hernia.  No big deal.  Easy-Peasy surgery and I'll be good to go.  I was sent for a CT scan to confirm.  I really was not worried.  Doctor was confident that was the issue.

Until that wasn't the issue.  It's never a good thing when doctor says they need to see you today.  The feeling of dread is pretty instant.  Those hours until my appointment went so slow.  Then, suddenly, your in the doctor's office and I was handed a list on a post-it note of everything they found in the CT scan.  Hernia was not on the list.

Enlarged spleen, cysts on ovaries, fibroid on uterus, porcelain gallbladder, kidney stones, and spot on kidneys.  I believe there might have been something else as well, but I can't remember right now.  My first thought was -- let's go back to the hernia diagnosis.  That sounds a whole lot better then the list I was just handed. 

So, next step was more tests to schedule with lots of different doctors.  MRI got scheduled and a pelvic ultrasound.  Appointment with surgeon for my gallbladder.  Appointment with urologist.  Plus, of course, a gynecology appointment.  All of this happened in about 6 weeks.  All of a sudden, I went from barely going to the doctor to one appointment after another. 

On November 26th, I went in for my MRI.  The next day, I got the phone call.  The results from the MRI were already in and the doctors' called and told me over the phone that I have a renal cell carcinoma.  My brain could not wrap about it.  What? So, I asked -- In normal English what does that mean??  Then the words -- kidney cancer.  You need to get into an urologist soon to figure out the next steps.  Hanging up that phone call and acting like everything was okay was hard.  But my mom was right there and I wasn't ready to talk about it.  I hadn't absorbed the information myself.  So, let's fake it through these next few weeks and get through the holidays.

I did, of course, Google everything that night.  Don't we all?  I did make sure and look at medical websites.  Or the ones that look like medical websites anyway.  Kidney cancer apparently does not respond to chemo or radiation. (scary thought!) That as long as it stays on the kidney, surgery should be able to remove it.  

But -- cancer?!?!  After everything that I've been through  --  that word is now my diagnosis? That word is now part of me.  Kent used to make a joke to me that he had everything but cancer.  And, here I am.   It's been over a month now and I still doesn't seem real.  It hits me every once in a while when I least expect it.  I'd be Christmas shopping and find myself crying in the isle.  Or a song in the car.  Cancer changes everything.  There is now a time before cancer.  And a time after the cancer diagnosis.  It's a marker in my life now.  That word is scary and it holds power.  My mind will go a little crazy with that word at times.  "What if" can be a scary thing.

Then I remember -- Jesus has the real power.  I am Trusting God through this.  He is the reason that I have made it this far. He is the reason that I can raise my hands to praise and sing even while I cry.  So now my "what if" is turning into an "even if."

Time to Fall Apart

 I have to admit -- I am one of those Momma's that haven't taken very good of herself.  I've definitely put myself last for most of my life.  My kids, of course, always came first.  I love being a Momma.  While my kids were still young, my dad got cancer and my brother stepped away.  So it was on me to take care of.  My husband had his first heart issues at 39 years old.  Then, for the next 15 years he collected doctors, surgeries, and appointments.  My mom's crazy finally got diagnosed because I got her to a hospital by lying to her.  Once again, my brother bowed out.  The Lord knows it's been a lot.  I know that's why He protected me and this frail body for so many years.  I was holding things together for too many people.

Who has time to fall apart?  

As a mom, so many times we feel the weight of our little world right on our shoulders.  And we just keep going... keep pushing.  Doing this.  Going here.  Signing up for this or that.  Going and going just trying to make it to the next day. Running and running on the hamster wheel of life.  Because if I don't do it.  Then no one else will.  And then apparently, the world will fall apart.   Or so I tell myself.

Not that I never went to the doctor.  I went once or twice a year for strep to a walk in clinic.  When I was 40, I decided I would be a big girl and get everything checked out.  So, I went to my husbands PCP and had the panel of blood work done.  I went and got my boobs smooshed so flat ya' wanna cry.  And my feet in the dreaded stirrups we all hate.  Check.  Check.  And Check.  Everything was fine so let's continue with life.  Pushing and running and doing....

Don't worry, yes, 8 years later I finally got my own doctor.  I decided that 2024 would work on my health.  Went to the doctor, got bloodwork checked out, currently on a lifetime of medicine. 😁  Seriously, just one medication -- not bad for years of neglecting myself.  I can look back at the year and say, that yes, I am finally taking steps to take better care of me. Should I have done it earlier?  Yeah...  but Life is messy.  And busy. Plans don't always work out the way we wanted them to.  Sometimes plans A, B, And C don't work out. Sometimes plan D is going okay and a curveball comes your way.  We just don't know what is up ahead. 

So where ever that you are on your own journey, take a moment and just breathe.  Whether you have kids screaming, "Momma" and not letting you go pee in by yourself.  Or your in the years where you are their chauffer and they don't want your opinion. (or your rules) Maybe your at home praying they come back in one piece before curfew.  I am at the point where I just want them all around a table laughing as we play a few games.  (unfortunately, it doesn't happen a lot) Life is messy.  And in the middle of the chaos, God is there.   Take a moment.  Or maybe two.  Find the Joy that God is giving you today.  Breathe in the peace that He offers today.  Don't worry -- He has more in store for you tomorrow.  You cannot pour into your family, your friends, or your work -- when you show up with an empty cup.  Take care of YOU.  God has made you for a purpose.  He has put you where you are at for a reason.  Yes, it might be hard.  Yes, you will have times you want to give up.  Just take that moment with God.  Let Him fill you with a strength, peace, love.  Let Him fill your cup so much it overflows.  So, then, you have something to give others.  

And Honey, it takes more than driving through Starbucks to fill you up.   That can be a start. But, you have to take care of you so that you can take care of everyone else.  One cup of coffee isn't going to cut it.  Find your joy.  Find your peace.  Give God a chance to speak to you.  Do those little things to take care of you this year.  It is not selfish.  Don't let others tell you it is.  My husband tried to guilt me when I wanted to hike more on my two free Saturdays a month and it worked for a while.   I stayed home those Saturdays cleaning house, watching him watch tv, or sleep in the chair.  Until I finally told him that I am going, he can choose to go with me, or he can stay home.  It is his choice.  Being out in the woods is good for my mental, physical, and spiritual self.  I needed those couple hours twice a month to take care of me.  What are things that you can do to make you more calm and centered this new year?  How does taking care of you look?   Also, don't be like me and wait 8 years to get a check-up.  We have to get our check engine light checked out before we fall apart.  

Hello....again....

 Four years since I last wrote.  Seems like a lifetime ago.  I wonder --- Does anyone even read or write blogs anymore?  I don't know, but here I go.  My life has changed so much....

Many times I wanted to write.  I would log in and want to share to everything I was going through.  To work through it with God's word in one hand and my computer in the other.  It's therapy for me in a lot of ways.  However, I just never felt like I could.  When your life is so connected to some one else, by telling my story, I would be telling theirs.  I didn't feel like I could or should.  Someday, I'll revisit the last few years.   

Because although there is great sadness, there is also hope. There are God's fingerprints in my life.  For I know that it is not by my strength that I have made it this far.  It is by His mercy and for His purpose.  By telling my story, I can pray that it reaches some one that needs to hear it.  There is nothing like feeling that you are totally alone.   Many times throughout the past four years, I have felt so alone.  I mentally knew that there are many that have gone through everything I have.  But when you are in the midst of the struggle, it does feel very lonely.  When you are being strong for everyone else, it gets very lonely.   But we are not alone.  It is just that so many of us bury the trials and tribulations that we go through.  When God might be wanting us to share our hard times to glorify all that He's done though you.  

So here I am.  I'm nothing if not honest.  Right now, in the midst of the week of Christmas - it's hard.  Some of our seasons of valley's are long.  Our trials are not always quick.  It's been a long time since I've felt like I was on top of the mountain.  Don't get me wrong -- I am not depressed.  But life has not been smooth sailing for a while.  I've learned one thing through it -- Life is about finding joy in the journey.  It's more than just some painted words on a Hobby Lobby sign.  Sometimes I want to yell.  I want to scream.  I want to cry.  And I do -- car rides, praising Jesus, with tears on my face.  But if I stay in that moment, I'll miss the flowers that God bloomed for me to see.  Or the mountains that He created.  Or the hug that I get every morning from a kindergartener that runs out of her car to find just me.  Or my Briggs yelling, "Tia!"  I have joy moments daily.  I know that God could take all the pain away.  I know that God could heal everything that needs to be healed in a blink of an eye.  But His way is better.  And because of that, I know that I don't walk alone.  Together, we will get through this valley while we take those moments to enjoy the sunshine, the fresh baked cookie, the sound of a river running over rocks, the laughter of your kids no matter how big they are, or what ever Joy God delivers to you.  Because you, my friend, are not alone either.  Just don't be so busy that you miss it.

Jen

Changes

 It's really hard to believe that it's September and I haven't wrote in months.  I haven't wrote since Covid took over the world.  I haven't even wrote about my baby girl graduating.  So, much to catch up on.  But, that will have to be for another night.  Tonight, God has been speaking truth to me as I've been debating somethings.  God's truth brings peace and clarity.  After all, there are times in our lives when we are full and have so much to give.  Times when God's truth and light just comes from within us.  Times when praying comes easy.  

Then there are other times when praying are the tears running down our face.  Times when clarity isn't there and peace is no where in sight.  Life isn't always easy.  And there are a times when I just don't want to be the grown up in the room.  Ever feel that way??  Please just let some one else step up or take responsibility.  Please just me give me a snack and let me go outside and play.  

The past couple years, I've had more tears than words when I pray.  More times when I feel drained then filled with the Spirit.  More wondering why things have to be this way, then answers.  I feel, for lack of any other words, unsupported.  In Galatians 6:2 it says, "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."  I've shared some of my struggles with my Mom's dementia in small group.  I've truly shared my husband's health struggles with a few people over the past couple years. 

I know that everyone is busy with their own life, but a simple text to someone who might need it can make a difference.  I know that chocolate can help a lot too.  I try to be that person. Fresh chocolate chip cookies has been delivered to many homes through the years.  Not to say that always think of others, but I try.  If I know your struggling, I will support you in any way I can.  Sometimes it's just listening.  Sometimes it's praying.  A lot of times, it's food.  I'm not putting this out there to say I'm awesome, because I'm not.  Lord knows I miss things and my list of faults is long. 

And, I am thankful for the few friends I have that do randomly just text me just to see how things are.  I'm just putting it out there because I can't keep doing the same thing and expect a different outcome.  I need to make a few changes for me. That's just the way it is.

Corinthians 13:11  "Finally, brothers, rejoice.  Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you."

Doesn't that sound wonderful?  The God of love and peace will be with you!

One chapter ending...

It has been some hard, emotional couple of weeks.  I missed a couple days of work to spend quality time in social security office, going from one place to another, just to get all the paperwork for a nursing home to accept my mom. Who would have thought that I'd have to visit a funeral home last week? I've had many moments of tears and break downs.  I've had times where I've done all that I could do and just ask God to do the rest.  And, He does.

There was a moment this week, when I was sitting in my mom's boxed up apartment going through a box looking for papers that I couldn't find, and everything hit me.  I'm taking away my mom's freedom and I am not only changing her life, but my own as well. The days of my mom just stopping by are no longer.  Those days of coming home and finding some small thing she picked up because she knows I like it are over.  Today I moved the boxes out of her apartment and locked the door for the last time.  That chapter of her life is ending.

A new chapter begins...a chapter no one ever looks forward to.  It's hard for her.  I've taken away not only her ability to drive, but to be independent.  In her mind, she is just fine.  She really don't understand why I've done this besides listening to the stupid doctor's advice.  It's hard for me.  I am the only one making these decisions.  I went through every box in her apartment and had do decide if she needs it, if she might need it later, if I could use it, or if I should donate.  All within about a week.  I am mentally and emotionally tired. However, besides being bored, my mom seems okay.  Which, is better than she has been in months.

She was officially diagnosed with Vascular dementia.  It's nothing I'd want any parent or child to go through.  Vascular dementia is caused by damage to the blood vessels to your brain.  So, your brain is deprived of oxygen and small parts of your brain dies.  With this kind of dementia, you don't really know what parts of your brain will be affected.  Yes, memory is usually affected, but it could even affect your personality.  It can cause hallucinations and delusions as it did with my mother.   This can caused by a stroke or heart attack, or in my mom's case, diabetes or high blood pressure. 

 I know that there is an adjustment period for not only her, but me as well.  I still have boxes in my garage I need to go through.  She has now been in there a week.  I am still paying her bills and turning off utilities.  I'm sure I've missed something.  I'm taking it day by day right now. Isn't that all that we can do?  I know that this was best, but it doesn't make it easier.

Growing Up Is Never Fun

There are times when staying Peter Pan and never growing up sound wonderful. I'd like to escape to Neverland and laugh and play all day. Sleep when you want to.  Eat what you want without gaining weight!!  HELLO! Sign me up!  Okay, yes, I know that part wasn't in any of the Peter Pan movies but if we are having a fantasy world -- no calories will be part of it! :)  Because growing up is hard and there are a lot of parts that suck.  Plain and simple.

Finding out your Dad has cancer and there isn't anything the doctors can do. So hard. Watching your Dad take his last breaths. Hard doesn't even explain it. Now, with my mom, life is hard once again.

My mom was diagnosed with Dementia last year.  But, she was able to fake normal for long enough the insurance said she was fine and kicked out help.  So, I pretended she was fine.  It's so much easier to pretend everything is normal.  When I say "normal,"  I don't mean you and I normal.  I mean, my mother normal.  The paranoid normal that he has been for years.  Where there is listening devices and people following her.  The things that have unfortunately become "normal" for my mother the past several years.  Until you can't pretend anymore.  By the time it reaches this level -- things have gone from okay to really bad. And it did.  I asked for a home visit from the place that treated her last year.  (they have a dementia outreach person)  So, on the 19the of February, my daughter's 18th birthday, she did a home visit.  And there is no more faking normal anymore.  There are pages of notes that my mother openly said.  So, my mother was put in an ambulance and taken to the psychiatric treatment place she was before.

Now, I am having talks about dementia units in nursing homes.  I'm having talks with talks about her insurance and her bills.  I'm having talks about taking away not only her driving but her freedom as well. How is my mother through this?  Angry.  She wasn't happy to see me when when I visited her Sunday.  She knows it is my power of attorney that is keeping her there, so she is asking for it back. The nurses and social worker is putting her off and telling her they can't find it.  But, one day, in the next week -- I will have to have that talk with my mother.  I will have to sign papers and move my mother to a nursing home.  I will make my mother cry.  I will make my mother angry.  She might even hate me for a while.  

This is why my blood pressure is terrible lately. This is why I'm one step away from tears most of the time.  This is why growing up is never fun.  Even in the midst of this mess, I can see God's mercy.  With His help, I will make it through this. 

New Start

It is very telling when I log into my blog that I've always enjoyed writing and the last blog I actually posted was in 2018.  On my list there are three posts that I started to write in 2019, but I never finished... never posted.  Three posts with the same message of confusion.  Three pleas for God's help.  Three posts wondering why life has to be like this. Three posts wishing things were different.

But guess what?  It's a new year.  My circumstances haven't changed. The same baggage that I just couldn't even bring myself to finish writing about is still here. However,  I have changed.  Not going to lie and say it's something dramatic like a butterfly emerging from it's cocoon.  This "butterfly" here is defiantly more moth like.  And honestly, I think I might still be in the cocoon.  Who knows? 
 
What ever it is, I have finally realized something.  That no matter how bad the circumstances are... you still need to take care of you.  I haven't done that in a while.  Not emotionally.  Not physically.  Not mentally.  I've just been on autopilot going through the days making sure everyone else is taken care of.  At night, praying and asking for help before falling asleep.  Just to wake up and do it all again.  Yes, there were some good days in there.  Those times with family and friends would be an awesome break from the monotonous routine.   It really wasn't a depression either.  Just autopilot.

I am turning off autopilot this year.  For 2020, my words this year is Intentional.  Isn't that a great word?  I've been trying to find a word that fit through out January and I kept coming up with phrases or two words.  Finally, last week it came to me.... Intentional.  I am taking care of me physically, emotionally, and mentally.  I am being intentional with the food I'm eating.  I've only lost 8 pounds so far but I'm eating so much healthier. I'm eating things I never thought I'd eat. 

I'm being very intentional about the connection with family and friends.  I need that so much.  I believe that we all do.  So, I'm looking at the monthly calendar and at least once a month, I'm scheduling time with friends or family.  In January, we went to a couple game nights beginning of the month and had Mexican food with friends at the end of the month.  Last night, was a game night with two great families.  Laughter with others is such a blessing from God.  Those moments don't just happen.  Last year while I was on autopilot, they only happened every few months.  If you break that down, that is only 4 or 5 times last year!  They don't take much effort.  It just takes being intentional, making the time, and scheduling it.

That is the example I want to set for my kids.  I want them to see that no matter how busy life is, take time to connect and laugh with those people God puts in your life.  There is enough hard stuff.  There are plenty of tears in this life. There are plenty of circumstances to make you worry and pray about.  But, there should also be laughter.  There needs to be more walk with your dog.  More veggies on your plate.  Let's turn off the autopilot, look around at the people around us, and be intentional.