Happy Birthday Abby!

She's a Little Bit of Sunshine

~author unknown

She's a little bit of sunshine

She's a smile to light your day

She will steal your heart & keep it

With her warm endearing ways

She's your precious little girl

With a sweetness from above

Who will fill your years with laughter

And your lives with lots of love.

Happy 6th Birthday to my niece, Abby!

There is Hope

"You will stand firm and without fear.

You will surely forget your trouble,

recalling it only as waters gone by.

Life will be brighter than noonday

and darkness will become like morning.

You will be secure because there is hope,

You will look about you & take your rest in safety."

Job 11:15-18

There are times when your calm and open. What you need to hear ~ it finds you. God gets it to you and you actually receive it. There's no distractions. This is what I needed tonight. Isn't it just beautiful? To have our troubles a distant memory as waters gone by. Life brighter than noonday. Wow! When have I felt that good in this life?? To look around you and feel safe... To feel that security... To feel that hope.

I do feel hope today, in this life. In the mists of the chaos that is our life ~ there is hope. Just knowing that God is in control. God has it covered. The mistakes. The misunderstandings. The hurt. The pain. God walks with us through it all. Isn't that amazing? He doesn't just meet us at the finish line. He is here with us. Not only is He here, but He loves us through it all. He knows our sufferings as well as our joys. That is how I can stand firm. I know there is hope in the Father.

Not Superwoman

There are those days where you feel like you can do it all. You know, those days where you can "bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan." LOL Then, there are those other days where you feel like the bacon cooking in the skillet! :) Yesterday I was superwoman with dinner in the oven and cooking pancakes for this morning's breakfast. Today ~ well, I am leaning on God a little heavier today.

Not that it's been a bad day. Just some days are harder than others when autism & learning disabilities are a part of your life. It is so hard to watch your children struggle. My son has made it to middle school now. I remember when we started kindergarten with him. The struggles. The fighting the system. Now, he has 7 or 8 teachers and only two are special education teachers. It's so hard to let go . . . I know inside that it's part of growing up. I also know that God doesn't let go. He is there even when I cannot be.

Luke struggles so much with reading. He always has. I also know that once they get a certain grade, they don't even work on reading. (is that not stupid??) They teach life skills. (isn't reading a life skill??) Let's not get me started on that! Anyway ~ at this point, yes, one of his special education teachers work on his reading. I'm not sure really what they are doing because I still don't see any progress. He hasn't made any real gains in reading for years it seems. Luke has some great teachers but reading is still a struggle. So, it's up to me.

I do feel the pressure. My son needs to learn how to read above the level he is at and what is happening at school is not enough to help him. So many of the learning things they do is on the computer. (reading 180 is a reading program they have put him on several times) Luke doesn't do well learning on the computer. I've pointed this out several times over the years. It's back to the basics. A book on his level and a patient momma. Sounds easy, huh? I wish it were. There are so many things that have to get done before we can have our reading time. Supper. Dishes. Homework. There are times that by the time it's reading time, the patient mommy is no where to be found. But, that's what he deserves. I'm not a superwoman. I'm just a mom trying to do what's best for her son leaning on God through it all.

Snow Days

We finally got some SNOW!! I never really liked winter, but as I've gotten older, I appreciate it. It is a wonderful time to just slow down. We had two days off from school and how I've enjoyed it. No, we didn't do much. No work. No school. No shopping. Just us, together as a family.

Digging in the snow to make some snow ice cream. Luke & Faith did some sledding with some neighbors. Mostly ~ we stayed inside and kept our PJ's on until 10 or 11. We played the Wii a lot. (even on the Wii the game of Life takes an hour!) We watched some Animal Planet and Nick. Yeah, there was the occasional brotherly outburst. That just happens with their age I'm afraid and how close in age they are. We broke it up by going to the youth center on Friday and playing some pool. (yeah, we're trying to teach the kids! ~ it's like the blind leading the blind because I was never that good anyway! LOL)

I've even been able to get caught up on laundry! Yeah, I know. It's exciting around here. But, I'm realizing that's okay. That's who I am. I love making a pot of soup with cornbread & biscuits on a winter day. And mixing up some snow ice cream. And, stepping out into the living room to be with the family that I'm so thankful for. I love SNOW days!!

Things Marriage has taught me...

Next month, I'll be married 14 years. Jeez! Let me think about that. Well ~ maybe I shouldn't! LOL There has been a lot that's happened in 14 years. Jobs have changed. Three kids have changed us. I have discovered the world of autism. Friends have come and some have gone. We have lost my father to cancer. I've learned that marriage can be harder than parenthood. Here are a few things that I've learned through the years.

I think about the beginning. I didn't know how to cook. Seriously. I followed the directions on the box of mac & cheese because I might mess it up!! My mom didn't really cook when I was growing up. (there's 6 years between my brother & I) I guess by the time I came along, she made hamburger helper, mac & cheese, fish sticks, you know ~ all that healthy stuff! :) I was determined to learn how to cook. Some of it was really bad, but I tried new recipes all the time to find some keepers. Luckily, my family actually considers me a pretty good cook now & the kids are too young to remember those bad dinners!! LOL But, I think that's what marriage is about. Just try. . .somethings work and some don't, but you have to keep trying.

When I grew up, I only had my father's family. I didn't have anyone from my mom's side of the family. My mom loved her in-laws and even took care of my Grandpa when he got bad. But, I never actually saw that balance between two families coming together like most marriages. (Even now, so many include three families with ex's and kids.) So, I checked out books. I got books on marriage, newlyweds, making marriage work. That kinda thing. Do you want to know the one that that has stuck with me 14 years later?

There is Her family and there is His family. Once you get married, they combine

to form Our family. They are no longer separated, they are together.

Honestly, that's it. Several books by doctors and psychologists broken down to one simple philosophy. That odd cousin that you really don't want to be around? Yeah ~ they are your family too. That was difficult at first because my family was small and marrying into a large family. That was a lot of people for me to just accept as family. Then, to top it off, I had a newborn the first year of marriage that I had to share with everyone. It took a little time. The first time I left Joey was with my father-in-law at 9 months old while I went to the grocery store. It has been learning a balance between both families to make sure the kids know their family. After all, their family is both sides of the family. It's my job as the parent to make sure they see both sides of our family equally. And what a blessing it has been to open my heart and truly have Our Family. Not mine. Not Kent's. But, Our's. It has expanded my family to more than just the five of us. I have gained relationships that have enriched my life. Not to say that it's always perfect, but what on this side is?

"We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they

remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindness, because of

luck. But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness."

~ Ellen Goodman

"The family you come from, isn't as important as the

family your going to have." ~ Ring Lardner

Rejoice

"But I trust in your unfailing love;
My heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the Lord's praise
For He has been good to me."

Psalm 13:5-6

It is easy to look around and see things to be negative about. Turn on the news. Look at the bill pay pile. Look at my home that is begging for a spring cleaning. (getting in the mood, just not quite there yet!! LOL)

Yet, in all that mess... all those things that can clutter your mind and heart ... I have to just push it away. And rejoice! For God has been good to me. Thank you Lord for loving me despite my failings. Thank you Lord for reaching my Dad and bringing him home to be with you. Thank you Lord for my kids. Even when I was little, I always knew I wanted to be a mother. Thank you Lord for a husband that tries. Tries to support his wife and kids in every way. Thank you Lord for my Mom that helps us so much. Thank you Lord for my nephew & nieces. It's a little like being a grandparent early! :) Thank you Lord for my friends that pick me up, love me, and have my back. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You Lord!

I know that I sometimes forget just to rejoice and say thank you. I get busy asking for help. Or see a need in others. Or just cry & whine. Tonight ~ I just wanted to say Thank You!

Purpose

"Listen to the wise and accept discipline and at the end you will be

counted among the wise. Many are the plans in a person's heart,

but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." ~ Proverbs 19:20-21

Can I hear an 'Amen' ?

How many plans have I made through the years? How many times have I prayed for God to come in and change my circumstances? How many times have my plans fell through?

Too Many to Mention!

My carefully laid out plans sometimes don't get okay-ed by the Master Planner. God is all knowing. Just think about that. It blows my mind. He knows my past. ~ which I can remember parts here and there. He knows what is happening now. ~ which I can see what is happening from my little perspective. But, He also knows the future. ~ which I have no clue. He knows that if I make that choice or go down that road, what other people it will effect. I can see my little circle. He sees the ripple effect. And, I do believe in Free Will. I can still make those choices. However, He knows us. He knows our hearts even better that we know ourselves. (amazing!) But, as a friend in Sunday school said, God can put up baby gates around us (figuratively speaking) to protect us.

But - it is the Lord's plans that will prevail. Honestly, there were times when I wasn't thankful for that. A lot of things have happened that were not on any 'to do' list of mine. They were not in my plan book. Now, as a 30-something looking back, Thank God that His will and not my own prevail. So many blessings and so much growth on my part has happened through His plan. God's timing is not my timing. God's will is not always my own. And God's plan does not always match my plans. But ~ I'm thankful that He will prevail.

We Got Today

A friend of mine, her husband went to the doctor and found clogged arteries after testing. The doctor's planned to go in and put stints in if they found anything. However, when they went in it was worse than they thought and stints would not work. He is going to have to bypass two arteries going to his heart. On Yahoo News it said the John Dye, the guy from 'Touched By An Angel,' died of a heart attack at 47 years old. In the last 6 months, Gene George, Don Tyson, and Don Harp have passed away. My husband had a heart attack around 39 years old. His twin brother has had not only a heart attack but a stroke as well.

There are no guarantees. Only God knows when our time is up. The young. The old. The strong and healthy. No one knows. Last year when my brother-in-law had a stroke, it was hard on everyone. His wife was scared, but trying to keep it together. My husband could see himself laying there in that hospital bed. For me ~ that was my brother laying there looking at the newspaper upside down. God knew that I was missing that in my life and I wanted that brother figure. So, He gave it to me through my brother-in-law. My husband couldn't understand why I was up there so much really. But, I'd already lost my own brother due to his own choices to stay away from the family. I didn't want to lose another one. I needed to make sure he was okay. Praise God that he is!

"Since no one knows the future, who can tell some one else

what is to come? As no one has power over the wind to

contain it, so no one has power over their time of death."

Ecclesiastes 8:7-8

The shooting that took place in Arizona just proves that people are nuts. Seriously, what kind of person thinks they have a right to take a gun and just shoot several people? A little girl born on the day of another tragedy, September 11th. Gone. Oh, the grief those parents must be facing! The other victims there as well. No one knew when they left that morning what would happen. That they would never make it back to their earthly home. That their families would have to pick up the pieces and try to carry on with life.

We just don't know when we drop our kids off at school, if we'll be there to pick them up. I know that I assume I will be. I know that they assume I will be. But, there are no guarantees. We have now. Right now to make a difference. Hopefully, if something happens to me now, my family would know how much they mean to me. They could print this blog and read how much I loved them. They would remember when I made their favorites, just for them! Or when they helped me cook & bake in the kitchen. Or the birthday cards I sent them. Or the texts just to say, "hi, hope your okay, love you." Or me yelling out the window while dropping them off at middle school, 'I love you!' :) yep, it's a momma' thing. LOL We have today to share the love that we feel. Who have your shared your love with? Let's not take these opportunities for granted.

A Few Photo Moments From 2010

Joey, Luke, & Faith at OK City Bombing Memorial

Luke, Faith, & Joey with our Frosty in Jan 2010

At Wilson Park with the kids (aren't those trees so cool?)

Abby at Halloween

Luke & Abby during soccer

Summer & Cara at Cara's graduation

Joey on vacation in St. Louis

Faith & Cara hiking at Hobbs State Park

Luke & Joey on vacation in St. Louis

Faith & Summer hiking at Buffalo River

Wake Up ?!?!

This morning, my husband tried to give me a wake up call after glancing at my phone & seeing that I text an offer to help again. It went it a little like this:

"Why can't you see it? I just don't understand why you get kicked in the face time and time again yet you keep going back for more! She has made it very clear that she doesn't want to be a part of our family. She doesn't like you and wants to be left alone. How many times do you get kicked before you go the other direction??"

Yeah, that was at 8 o'clock this morning. But, it's now 6 and I'm still thinking about it. I tried to tell him my reasoning. If I can show that I'm nice and thoughtful ~ then, maybe it will change her mind. If I can show in words and actions that I don't judge people ~ then, maybe it will change her mind. If I can show her that I'll always be there no matter what ~ maybe it will change her mind. If I can ~ I don't know ~ do something, maybe, just maybe ~ I will quit being judged and falling short. If I was just given the chance. . .

I'm starting to realize that I guess with some people it doesn't matter how hard you try, you just won't ever measure up or get through. I've known for a while now (when I want to admit it) but now my husband sees it and doesn't know why I try. "We'll never be part of her family," he's told me. "Quit trying." It's been several years now and haven't made any progress. Still at square one. Honestly, maybe I'm in the negative numbers because of my attempts to try.

It's just not in me to throw in the towel. Look at the relationship with my own brother. I haven't seen him in two years. Even then, it was at my father's viewing. Before that, it had been years. Yet, I still try. I still want him to be part of my life. He has an open invitation for Thanksgiving & Christmas. That last years of my Dad's life, we would have cook outs or something and I'd try to invite him. If he called and needed me for something even today~ I would be there no matter what. I don't even know him anymore, but I'd still like the chance to. Because maybe, he might open the door a crack and let me in. I have three wonderful kids that he's missing out on and a sister that would be there for him if given the chance.

So, I don't know. Keep going when I am not wanted? Yeah, sometimes it hurts. Rejection is never fun. But, friends are the family you choose. Hopefully, you choose wisely. Family you don't get to choose. God chose them for me, even the difficult ones. What if I'm supposed to be the one that makes a difference? Or maybe my husband is right, maybe I should just wake up?? It would be so hard for me to walk away and wish them well and not...try. Wait for them. That little voice inside me asks, "what if they never see the relationship we could have had?" I guess it's not different than what it is now. Right now, it's kinda a one-way relationship if you could call it that. What am I getting out of it? I just want to be able to look back and say that I tried. My hand was open. But as I would tell my daughter when her friends are mean, "If they can't see how wonderful you are, then they don't deserve you." Maybe I should listen to my own advice. I don't know yet.

Time heals all wounds?

"It has been said that 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds

remain. In time, the mind, protecting it's sanity, covers them with scar

tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone." ~ Rose F. Kennedy

I like to look up quotes. They give an insight to the person who said them. They can also give me another way of looking at things. Tonight, I was thinking of the the saying that 'time heals all wounds.' I never really believed that one. If you hold anger or hurt about something that happened 10 years ago ~ your still carrying it around. It didn't heal or go away in that time. I know about that personally. I've delt with a lot of things that happened growing up. I can honestly say that it's forgiven. I may have some scars but it is healed. But ~ I do have one thing I struggle with. It has to do with my son and yes, it is still a wound that is unhealed. The pain has lessened through the years, but it's still there. When I think about it, my blood pressure goes up and I want to slap someone.

But, if time doesn't heal all wounds, what does? I believe it takes work. Healing wounds takes forgiving those who did it, so the pain can truly heal. I didn't forgive my past wounds to help those who did them. Some of them could care less if I forgive them or not. I forgave them for ME. I was tired of carrying around the hurt & pain. In Luke 6:26-29:

"But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who

hate you, bless those that curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If some

one slaps you on one cheek, turn to give them the other also..."

If I give hurt because of hurt or give pain because of pain ~ what good is that? When does the cycle stop? Time cannot heal all wounds. But ~ love can.

Our Guest List

I've been reading a book with that title. It's interesting. It talks about how God brings certain Guests into our lives. Some may just be here briefly. Even just moments. It takes only moments to make our day better or to change our lives. He brings some in our lives to stay. Some may not even be a positive interaction. But ~ they are here to help us through difficulties. Or teach us things. That is our Guest List.

When I think about my guest book and who has impacted my life, it's really harder than you think. Of course, it doesn't have to be an actual person you've met. It could be the author of a book that changed your way of thinking. It could be a tv show that changed you. Who ever and how ever God got the message to you. And what was that message? Debbie Macomber's book goes into people that are on her Guest List and how they have changed her life. Sometimes a neighbor. One couple was in having their child the same time as she had hers. Who has God sent to me? And have I acknowledged the gift?

"Therefore I am sending you prophets and wise men and teachers."

~ Matthew 23:34

I know my friend and Aunt-like figure is sent from God. She helped me through so much growing up. I know on my Guest List is Grandma Yarbrough. My grandmother died when I was younger, around Luke's age I guess. I remember her a little but I never got to have that relationship with her before she died. I know that Grandma is a special guest. So thankful. I also know that God has given me my friend Kerri and her family. I have known Kerri since grade school. We spent the night at each others house when younger. I always loved it. Her family is so normal. I always felt love in their home. Then, as we got in high school, other friends came and we grew farther apart. School ended. Marriage and kids came. We reconnected and we've been there for each other now in a different part of our lives. Marriage. Divorce. Kids. Her friendship is a blessing! And I've gained 3 great kids and her two wonderful parents as well! Her parents have shown me that there are healthy, loving marriages that are for a lifetime! Of course, not every guest is a pleasant one. We cannot grow and learn if everything were peachy here on this side!! :~D There have been guests that I thought were my friends but ended up teaching me when to let go, not hang on, and gain some self-respect. (hard lessons you cannot learn in a book) There are also those that I've realized I cannot please. They will always find something I did or say and twist it around. I can honestly say that I'm not a mean and hateful person. I don't do things to intentionally hurt those around me but you'd think I was a witch if you heard their view of me. I know that I'm not perfect. (But ~ I am Forgiven.) I have lots to give if given the chance. I just need to be given that chance. Those are a few of the people on my Guest List. There are many others that come to mind as well. Moments and people that have helped me along. Do you recognize anyone you know in the description? I know that I need to stop and be thankful for each Guest in my life. The good ones that warm my heart and the ones that make me grow.

The Focus of 2011

It is the start of another year. I am trying to find what it is that God wants me to be focusing on. What is it that I need to work on or bring to my family?

When I think of 2009, the word Forgiveness comes to mind. It was a hard year because my Dad's cancer got worse. My mom and I talked to him everyday. We would take turns checking on him, each of us going over a few times a week. It was hard to watch him suffer. I didn't understand 'why?'. I went with him to plan his funeral. It was SO hard. But, look back, the word Forgiveness comes to mind. Dad made peace with God and received Forgiveness. I didn't know if that would ever happen, but it did. Praise God!! Also, we forgave each other in a way. I was his little girl, but I was never his 'buddy.' That was my brother. It was hard those two years when he was diagnosed because every time that I saw him, he would ask about my brother. If I talked to him. If I saw him. If my brother knew that he was sick. I was there but I wasn't enough. That was hard. But, that last year, we grew closer. I was given that time with him and I took it as a chance to know my Dad. And all those past mistakes on both of our parts were Forgiven. My mom & I were there when my Dad took his last breath and it's a blessing to know he is happy and probably fishing on the other side!

2010 was another difficult year. My husband's health seemed to get worse. As he has told me several times, he has asthma, heart problems, high blood pressure, and diabetes. He has all of the main diseases except cancer. He doesn't feel good alot of the time and he works third shift. Both of those tends to make a person a little cranky. Then, to top it all off, our finances were so stretched. That's hard on a man and a marriage. We downsized into apartment living for a while. Hopefully, this will give hubby a relief. No fixing or yardwork. Time to concentrate on himself and his health. Plus, live cheaper for a while. Less worry all around ~ at least that is the plan.

Now, to look at 2011 and see what God has planned. The word "sow" comes to mind. He has been pruning me that past couple years.

"I am the true vine and my father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me

that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes, so

that it may be even more fruitful." ~ John 15:1-2

Getting rid of the stuff I don't need. Clearing space for Him. (if you have every downsized from a house to an apartment, you know how much you clear out in a physcial sense!!). Now, it is time for a fresh start. A new beginning. We must sow to have a future. To sow is to:
a) to scatter seed over earth, land
b) to plant seed for

We must build a foundation to have a strong future. To raise your kids right. To have a strong marriage. For yourself. Now, to figure out what God wants me to sow!! :) What seeds does He want me to scatter and to work on?

Faith Kathleen

Faith in 2005 (3 1/2 yrs)

And 2010

Last, but not least, my baby girl. I always wanted a little girl. Growing up, her name was going to be Amanda. Then, as I went through school, the Amanda's I met were not very nice so her named changed to Destiny. In fact, in 2000 I was pregnant with what I knew was a little girl. My pregnancy was different than the boys. I wasn't sick very often. I kinda glowed -- a little. LOL I went to my checks ups which were all normal. Until the 5th month, when I would have my ultrasound. There wasn't a heartbeat. She was gone. I refilled my pain medication they gave me. (I wouldn't do the D&C) I had a hard time after that. I had my boys to help me, but I just wanted my girl back. One year to the date (my check up after my miscarriage), I found out I was pregnant! I was feeling pretty good again. I craved soup like I did with my previous pregnancy. God gave my my baby girl. But, her name changed from Destiny to Faith. Faith is what kept me going that year. Faith that God knows better I. Faith that God hears our cries and knows our hearts.

Faith was a wonderful baby. She was happy. She loved to watch her brothers. I enjoyed her so much knowing that she was the last one. All those little moments that I knew I wouldn't have again. But, with having two big brothers, she didn't want to stay small. She wanted to be big like them. Faith stopped nursing and would only drink from a sippy cup around 9 or 10 months old. (yeah, I cried because I thought I had more time) She knew her ABC's, colors, and shapes by 3. And was reading by 4! Now that she's bigger, she even knew her multiplication in 2nd grade and was learning some division! Faith is like a little sponge that just loves learning.

She also is soft hearted. Faith helps her friends and doesn't want to hurt any one's feelings. There's a special needs boy in her class the past two years that she likes to help. She loves to play games with her family. Faith is a natural athlete. She tried softball because her coach asked her to and she was great. She is one of the best soccer players on her team. (she started soccer when she was 5) And, Faith has been in gymnastics for a year now and they asked her to be on pre-team. (yeah, anyone who knows me - knows she doesn't get it from me!!) Faith is growing up right before my eyes. She still doesn't mind that I call her my baby ~ as long as it's at home! I love you up to the sky my baby!

Luke Anthony

Luke holding Faith at the hospital in 2002.

Luke in 2010.

It is amazing to me how much they haven't changed! And how much of their personality is just them. Notice the cowboy shirt? :) When I think of Luke, I think of the past struggles as well as the future. I remember those days of falling on the floor screaming ~ after the two's. In fact, his tantrums didn't start until after the two's. Luke was born screaming, spent the first nine months crying with colic, and then became a pretty happy little toddler. He didn't talk a lot, just pointed. We figured it was because Joey was there and he didn't need to talk much. But before kindergarten, we got him tested for speech through the co-op because the daycare mentioned it. I jumped on it. I knew something was wrong. He still wasn't talking. He fell down a lot. He had meltdowns or tantrums still. And, he didn't seem to be learning at a 'normal' pace. (I was working on ABC's, Counting, and colors) Luke started speech and OT at the age of 4. You would think it would naturally continue when he started kindergarten, but it didn't. It was denied at first. I went above them and he received services starting in kindergarten. It has been a struggle. Each year, he faces new ones. It was around 2nd grade when he started really noticing that he was different. We took him again to the Dennis Developmental Center for more testing. That's the hard part. My struggles for him does not compare to his going through it. In 3rd grade, Luke asked me why God made him different. I told him what I still believe today. God has a purpose. There are no mistakes. Finally, in 5th grade, we got a diagnosis of (high functioning) autism. Something that I figured out when I started checking out every book in the library when he was 4 or 5. Finally, I have an 'expert' telling me what I knew all along.

But Luke is not just autism. Autism is just a part of Luke's life ~ not all of him. Luke is soft hearted. He likes to be outside hiking or fishing. Luke loves the color blue. And, he acts like my Dad and he's proud of it. :~) Sometimes, I think he's an old soul living in a kid's body. He has determination. (a nice word for hard headed! LOL) That is one of his best qualities. Luke gets knocked down and he dusts himself off and tries again. I know that God has something planned for Luke's life. God is accomplishing so much through Luke. I've grown and changed since I've had Luke. Luke has influenced his siblings, his teachers, and his friends. He deserves my best as a mother. That's what I try to give him. I am so proud of him!