Falling Apart

Do you ever feel like this?

Barely holding it together?

Pieces of you breaking off?

It may take just one more thing...

Until, we fall apart.

I've have been there. I have felt like this rock...or like Humpty Dumpty. Barely holding things together. Just hanging on. Hoping for all of it to end. And, one more thing ~ it doesn't even have to be a something big. Just a little splash. And, here comes the great fall. Have you ever been there? One more thing ~ and you all fall apart? I like to think that we all have.

But, unlike the nusery rhyme where all "all of the kings horses and all the kings men, couldn't put Humpty together again," we can be put back together. Not by any horses. Or by an earthly man. Only one is capable of putting us back together again: Christ. He takes my tired body, my weary soul, my love, my anger, my everything. He takes it all and puts me back together again. But, He loves me too much to put me back the same way. He changes me. He renews me. He strengthens me. So, I can once again face what this world puts out. Knowing, that He will be there when I fall apart again. (and every moment in between!!) What a wonderful Father is He?

"Do not be conformed of this world, but be transformed by the

renewal of your mind, that by testing, you may discern what is

the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

Romans 12:2

Memorial Day

Berryville Memorial Cemetery
Long lost relative we can barely read
Kids with their great, great, great, great grandfather
(yep! that's 4 greats!!!)

On this Memorial Day we went on a treasure hunt. A treasure worth much more than gold. We recently found the names of some relatives with the last name Baker. Our wonderful grandmother, Lorene, it is her father's family. Her father died with the flu epidemic of 1919 and she never knew him. Yet, his relatives are buried in a small cemetery over the hills and through the woods. While we were close by, we also went to the Berryville Memorial Cemetery which holds more relatives. It is wonderful to be able to pass on this appreciation to my own family.

So many graves are old, cracked, and illegible. Their families have moved on or passed away. Markers from long ago. I wonder about their lives and what they were like. What were their hopes in this life? I like to think that they smile from above when my three kids find their stone with excitement. Just to know that although they have been gone from this earth for sometime ~ their family legacy continues. Would Joey have their hair? Or Luke have their eyes? Or Faith their nose?

What thankfulness I find in my heart for moments like this. Days like this. To search and find those who are lost from our family tree. For everyone is important. Each family is a branch ~ each person a beautiful, unique leaf. I am thankful for my family tree and it is nice to step away for a moment and just appreciate it's beauty.

"There are only two lasting bequests that we can give our

children ~ one is roots and the other is wings."

H.S. Carter

Beauty of Today

I just love wildflowers! God's Garden!

Faith, Luke, Aaron (Joey's Friend), and Joey

I love those moments that turn into memories!

This morning started bright and early. My Dad's birthday is in a few days, so in honor of his day ~ we went out to breakfast. That was always his favorite meal. There were many mornings of setting the alarm just to meet him. Then, as the kids got bigger, we would take turns on who go to go with me. It's funny that they never mind getting up early, if they knew they were meeting papa. It's been about a year and a half since he's passed away. For me, I think of the last years with a very thankful heart. It was a time of forgiveness. It was a time of love. So, Happy Birthday Daddy!!

Then, we headed to one of my favorite places: Devil's Den. The beauty of the outdoors to refresh your spirit. I love being outside in the middle of God's creation. (except when it's 100 degrees out! I wimp out then!) One of Joey's friends went with us. It was great to be able to really get to know one of his friends. He is a teenager now and sometimes that's hard! There was destruction there. Reminders of the flooding that happened not that long ago. It seems like everywhere we look, there are reminders from disasters. Reminders not to take this life for granted. Reminders that God is in control. Reminders of the power of God. Reminders to be thankful for today for tomorrow is not a guarantee.

The Ups and Downs

"You, Lord, are forgiving and good,
abounding in love for all who call to you.
Hear my prayer, Lord;
listen to my cry for mercy.
When I am in distress, I call to you,
because you answer me."
Psalm 86:5-7

So often in life, this is me. Crying out in distress when conflict enters my life. Or tragedy enters. Or even confusion. Help Lord!! And yes ~ in this life, there is a lot of that going on. It seems like we are either starting that time in our lives. In the middle of it. Or just coming out of it. (remotely sounds like P.M.S. heehee!)

Lately, I've become a lot more sensitive than I used to be. I've always been that person in the card isle reading one after another trying to find the perfect card. Wiping tears away on some. Oh, yes, remember Touched by an Angel? Yeah, cried. Extreme Makeover: Home Edition? Yep, cried. Funerals I went with my husband but didn't even know the person? Oh, yeah, cry like a baby. Oh, one of the worst for me is that Christmas Shoes song. I cannot listen to it - not even the first chorus - without tears!! (come on, that's a SAD song!) Now, it doesn't even seem to take that much. (Yes I know, your saying that it took sooo much before, right?) Small things in life can make my eyes misty.

I am just SO full of thankfullness!

In the middle of the stress of my life ~ the daily conflicts ~ the pain ~ I still can find JOY because Christ hears my cry. Because even when things are not going the way I think they should ~ God is still in control! Because even when I am having a fit and acting like a two year old (or teenager!) ~ God still blesses me!

24. Daisys growing wild in the fields.

25. Smell of honeysuckle through open windows.

26. Sunshine after the storms.

27. Snuggles with my babies.

Security

In this world today, there is very little security. Each day holds new challenges. Every moment is insecure. Mat Kearney's song, Closer to Love, speaks of it beautifully. "We're all one phone call from our knees." How true is that?!?

Just turning on the news, it is clear how little security we have. Tornado's whipped through Joplin, Missouri on Sunday night. In a moment, their lives were changed. Over 100 lives have been lost. Homes being destroyed. Businesses gone. How do you even pick yourself up from that? There's no going to Wal-Mart to pick a few things up because Wal-Mart is gone. There isn't a job to go to in the morning. A bed to tuck your kids in a night. How fragile life is!

My security is not in my job or where we live, but in Christ. He is the One security that we all can have. I am SO thankful for that security, because this world has so much pain, uncertainty, and challenges. I pray for the people affected by this tragedy. I pray they can rest their fears and hurts in the security of Christ.

"You will forget your misery,

You will remember it as waters that have passed away.

And your life will be brighter than the noonday,

it's darkness will be like the morning.

And you will feel secure, because there is hope;

You will look around and take your rest in security."

Job 11:16-18

Making Memories Today

Luke & Abby in 2007

Luke, Faith, & Abby in Jan 2011

Abby at Kindergarten Graduation, May 2011

It feels like just a blink of an eye. Time can go by so fast. Maybe it' me wishing for more Friday's so I can get to the weekends!! :) Yet ~ I can look back at pictures and it brings back memories of when they were younger. I love that picture of Luke and Abby. He was chasing her (again) outside and he finally caught her. The simple joy of a game of chase!

Now, she's graduating kindergarten. Joey will be moving to jr. high. (aaahhhh!!!) Luke's moving to the seventh grade. (how did that happen?) And, my baby girl, Faith will be moving to the big hallway. The fourth and fifth grades. Seriously, yes, I am going to cry. I know it's corny. It's just that those kids in that hallway seem so....B I G. That can't be my baby girl! :( I will have three kids in three different schools for the first time. Kinda' sad...

It won't be long when it's another graduation. Faith will be graduating the 5th grade or Joey will be dressed in Wildcat blue. All too soon, I'll be looking back at these moments ~ these memories ~ these photos ~ wondering where the time has gone. So, I need to make these days not just days, but memories. Then, we'll be able to look back and remember.

Everyday Gifts

11. Smell of Rain

12. Beautiful flowers in the Spring


13. Being an Aunt :)

Each day, God has gifts with my name on it. Gifts with your name on them as well. So, many times I go through life without noticing these gifts. I just need to stop, notice, and be thankful. What blessings He gives each and every day!

Making A List...

I read this book about a month ago, but I've still been thinking about it. It has stirred a wanting in my heart ~ a desire in my heart. To start my own list. My Gift List from God.
It is so easy to go through each day and by the end of the day, do you remember the gifts that God has given you? Or do you remember your boss that blamed you? Or your kids that talked back to you? Or your car that wouldn't start?

I know that myself, some days it is hard to remember the good things. Those small gifts that God gives us each and everyday. (or those big gifts too!) Once you start making your list, you can look back over your day or your month ~ and see and remember your blessings. In her book, she gives us part of her list throughout. From the sunrise over the fields to the blue jay at the window. Those moments that make you smile and remind you that God is here, where you are.

So, right now my list starts. I'll share some of my list throughout my blog. Just to remind each of us of the gifts that God has given.

1. For God that loves me despite me
2. Grace that helps me when I fall
3. Three special kids that call me, "Mom"

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father

of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

James 1:17

L I F E

I do know that no one said that life would be easy. It's just that sometimes ~ I do wish it was a tiny bit easier. :) Or maybe not even 'easier' is the word I'm thinking of. I think it would help me out just to even have the game plan. That the hard parts would be a bit better because I'd know what the next play was. The decisions would be a bit easier because I'd know where I'm headed.

Then ~ there is real life. The walking through the mud because we didn't see the bridge down the other path. The making a wrong decision because we thought it looked right. My husband works at a factory now. He's never liked his job. They are now talking about going down to two lines. Which, with all of the layoffs they already had because of the economy, would leave him jobless. Kent is the dreamer. (just open a bakery) I'm the realist. (the hours, loans, ect) He'd love to find that awesome job. I try to be realistic with him. If you ask people, sad to say, but most people don't like their jobs. One of our friends is a driver. His job has long hours and, of course, stress. That's LIFE. But, he finds teaching in church to fill his soul.

My job is just that ~ a job. Do I wake up excited about my job? Not really. But, my job gives me the hours I need to support my family. It doesn't fulfill me each day, but I leave it behind when I walk out the door and find people and things that fulfill me. I love being with my kids. I read books to lift me. I bake for my family and others to make me happy. I love to paint and take pictures to see my world. I write and do other things that fill my soul. My job doesn't define me. It's a small part of my life that helps pay bills. Maybe when the kids are bigger and I don't have to think about after school care, another job will come along.

I don't think that God wants us to be miserable in our jobs. Sometimes I think the misery is coming from us and our attitudes. (at least from my experience) I believe that we're in those places for a reason. To encourage others. To learn something. Any number of reasons. Sometimes those awesome jobs are out there with your name on it. (woo-hoo!) But, sometimes God puts is in a not-so-great job so that the good insurance will pay for heart surgery. (been there!) Or so that your autistic son doesn't have to deal with daycare. (done that!) So, I don't know where this road of LIFE is taking us. But ~ that's nothing new. I'll just let God be my pilot and lead me where I need to go for real joy comes not in our lives or jobs ~ but in Christ alone. No matter what circumstance may come, there can still be joy.

"Count in all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you
know the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness
has its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."
James 1:2-4

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by
the power of the Holy Spirit, you may abound in hope."
Romans 15:13

Question of Modesty

Faith and I were out looking at clothes one day after school. I was looking for Joey some shorts while she was trying to get me to the girl clothes. We wondered over there and they had some bathing suits hanging up. There she found a colorful two piece. I'm talking a real two piece. Not the boy cut one she's had before (but didn't feel comfortable so she never wore). I'm talking a serious bikini for a 9 year old!

I'm really not an old stooge when it comes to clothes. Faith gets to pick most of it out and she does a good job. She doesn't like the way the girl's shirts fit. (they are tight) She's really a size 8/9 (medium) but they are cut so tight that she likes the 10/12 (large). She loves the tank tops and cami tops. And I don't see anything wrong with that. (maybe when she starts filling out those shirts, I might change my mind! LOL) The shorts for girls are just as bad. They are inches shorter than boy's shorts for the same size. I want to ask clothing makers, "do we really need to exploit our little girls??"

Yet, there are some shirts she just loves because it's like one Cara (her 19 year old cousin) wears. Those shirts are left at the store. They should not have been made in a child's size nine!! Then, there is of course that bikini. And, of course, she played the "all my friends" have one card. I reminded her that the two piece I agreed on and bought her last year made her feel self conscience and she never wore it. But, "I'm bigger now". (in a whinny, 2 year old voice!) So, I asked her would God want you to wear this? Would you wear this in front of your church friends? The answer to that was, "no". So, that was was my answer too. Faith is only 9 and I am having conversations on modesty. Jeez!! I know that this is just the beginning. Every Mom has to make those decisions on what's best for their little girls. There are no wrong decisions. It's just that I don't like the bikini on my baby girl.

"Be careful to live properly among you unbelieving neighbors. Then, even if

they accuse you of doing wrong, they will see your honorable behavior

and they will give honor to God when He judges the world."

1 Peter 2:12

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair

and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of

your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quite spirit, which is of

great worth in God's sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4

Autism Struggles...

"For great is His love towards us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever."
~ Psalm 117:2

It is so hard to see your children suffer. To know inside that the burden they have to bear in this life is different and harder than many others. To grow up knowing your different than everyone else. Not by what clothes your wearing. Or by the music you listen to. Or who your friends are. That's the story of Luke's life and many other children.

This is the end of Luke's sixth grade year. Isn't that hard to believe?? I remember the days of colic. Then, starting speech and occupational therapy when he was 4. The fight to get therapy started in kindergarten. To watch him get shoved in with ESL kids when he can speak English, he just can't read it!! ARRrrrr!!! There have been a lot of struggles as he realizes that he's different. He knows that he has autism. And, he knows that there is a reason (even when we don't understand) because God doesn't make mistakes.

But ~ even knowing this in my heart and soul ~ does not always help my mind. It's so hard knowing that Luke's going into 7th grade next year but is only on a 3rd grade reading level. The textbooks are written levels above where he's at. The material and content, he could handle if it was just written in a way for him to understand or explained to him. Next year, he is being place in what they call Reading 180. They tried it on him in elementary school and it didn't help. But ~ they want to try it again. Luke won't get to have those opportunities like the other 7th graders. He doesn't get to choose electives because this program takes up too many blocks. If it helps him, then it's worth a try. This summer I have to start back up reading with him. Luke has homework every night that I haven't pushed more on to him. We spend enough time trying to get through his science or social studies book at night!

I just have to keep in my mind that God has a plan for his life (and mine). God's love IS everlasting. His love IS faithful. His love IS enough. For the times that I am weak are the times God proves His strength.

The Power of a Grandmother

Grandma Yarbrough, Mother's Day 2011

Grandma Yarbough with her mother, Carrie, in 1930.

God's plans really are amazing. At the time ~ going through trials of this life ~ it can be hard to say that. Especially when I was younger and didn't understand. Now, I know that whatever or whoever comes into my life is in God's plans. Some things (or people) teach me things so that I can grow. Some times I am there to help another grow.

I only started out with one set of grandparents and lost both of them before I was a teenager. It was hard at the time. I never go to really know them before they were gone. I don't have very many memories of them which is sad. I know they loved me because I always felt that: The love. It taught me not to take family for granted. So, I am very thankful that God has put Grandma Yarbrough in my life.

It's amazing to me that God knew that I would have that void in my life. And in His wondrous, complicated plans for my life ~ He gave me a Grandmother. Nope, no one is too old to need that role model in their life. She has been such a blessing in my life for the past 14 years. Grandma was always the one to accept you as you were. She just wants a little of your time. Just to sit and visit or to play dominoes or Skip-Bo. Maybe share some pie. (one of her favorites!) I've always made sure that my kids grew up knowing her, not just seeing her a couple times a year at family get togethers. My kids know how special she is because they have gone to her place since they were babies. She used to go out and play Frisbee with them when she was in her 80's!!

Of course ~ that makes this time so much harder. The getting older part of life. She's going to be 95 this August. Grandma is still doing remarkable well for her age. But ~ in the back of my mind as I click another picture ~ I wonder, will this be her last Mother's Day? I hope that she knows how much we love her. I think that she does. She cries when I tell her. But, you never know which picture will be the last. Which "I Love you" will be the last.

"Grandma always made you feel like she had been waiting to see just you

all day, and now the day was complete." ~ unknown

Mother's Day Thoughts...

The Beauty of Flowers...

Bring Happiness to All.

It's hard to believe that Mother's Day is right around the corner. I think about the family that I've come from as well as the family I have. It fills me with JOY to look upon the family I've been blessed with. Yes, I can look back and see mistakes that I've made. It makes me think ~ what is the role of a mother today?

I believe that it's the same as it was 50 years ago, but it's just harder to do it. Things have changed and progress has been made. That has to change the way we parent. I remember growing up and having two corded phones: one in the living room and one in the kitchen. If you wanted to talk with your friends, it was in the same room with your parents! Now, there are kids my daughter's age with cell phones already!! She's only 9!! A lot of families have both parents working now. If you don't know ~ it is so hard to work until 5, pick up the kids, get home close to 6, cook supper and eat 6:30 or 7, then squeeze in a little homework, and showers. Did I mention doing dishes while the kids are in the showers and then finally sitting down around 8?? It was SO hard! I humbly applaud the parents that do that everyday. I did it for a while, but thankful I don't do it now. It wasn't worth it for us. The kids were actually suffering, especially Luke.

As mothers, our purpose is the same, even though our methods maybe different. You may not agree with everything that I do. Yet ~ our goals are the same. To love our kids. Bring them up knowing God. To give them confidence to make it on their own. Yet, with the knowledge that they are here to serve. Well, those are a few of the things that I want to instill. I could list more. But, I believe that if I could teach my kids this, they will do just fine:

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord's people who are in need. Practice hospitality." ~Romans 12:12-13

"For the entire law is is fullfilled in keeping this one command:

Love your neighbor as yourself." ~ Galatians 5:14