Family Secrets

As you have read through my posts, my childhood had a lot of traumatic things. We were never allowed to talk about these things to anyone ~ not even to each other. It was the giant elephant in the middle of the room that everyone walked around. I couldn't even talk about it to my mother. It would make her cry and upset and she would tell me that she didn't want to talk about it. (I did try through the years.)

I do understand that I will never know everything that my mother went through. Why? She won't tell me. It's some how another secret like the rest of my childhood. She has told me that those things that happened in her childhood will go to the grave with her. Yet, because of this burden that she carries everyday, it effects her relationships with others. How could it not when everything is a secret?? So even now, her father is still hurting her and effecting her life. (From him, is where the abuse started) When people ask her about a trip she went on, she thinks they are being nosey. Everything is some big conspiracy or secret. And because of this view she has, she doesn't have any real friends. Which leads to me trying to fill another role besides daughter. . . again.

With my own family, it is not that way. I didn't like growing up like that. (who would?) We are a pretty open and honest family. Things that happen ~ we talk about and pray about. We talk about Luke's autism. The kids know that they can ask me questions and talk about it. My brother that doesn't have anything to do with us, we talk about it and even discuss mine and their feelings about it. My Dad passed away in 2009 and we talk about it. And, my mom doesn't understand why I tell my kids so much. It's because I'm tired of all the secrets!!! When there are secrets, they still can hurt you. They still have power over you. Once you bring them out into the light. . . their power is gone. God can begin to heal and put you back together again.

It is sad to say, although I do love my mom but I don't want to end up like my mom. I want to do better. Right now, all she has to help fulfill her life is me and my family. She talks with her sisters once a month. She doesn't have any hobbies and doesn't like to read. She expects so much from me. And with that, I am bound to disappoint. When I am older and my kids are grown, I want to have the home they want to come back to. The one where the grand kids want to visit because grandma will make them cookies and play games. I want the home where my nephew and nieces bring their kids. Not only that, I want to have a life besides my children. I want to have friends that I still stay in touch with and see often. Organizations that I volunteer frequently. Places that I'd love to see.

Family secrets are a sad way to grow up but knowing that I determine the future brings me happiness. I do not have to repeat history. Just as the abuse ended with my, the secrets can stop as well. I have to keep trying with my mom to break her out. . . to help her move on. Yet, I know it is a decision that she has to make for herself just as I did.

"Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets."

~ Paul Tournier