Meaning of Easter

It is the Easter season once again.  Hard to believe it is only a couple days away.   Usually I am decorating with spring colors by now.  Thinking of Easter clothes or spring pictures.  Filling colorful eggs with chocolate and gummies.  This year my heart is heavy with the burdens of the world.

So many people are struggling with cancer.  Mothers and Fathers will soon be saying their good-byes to their children and grandchildren.  It is so difficult to lose a parent, no matter how old we are.  Kent and I keep thinking about our Grandma as well.  She is in her 90's and fading faster it seems.  Last year, our aunt heard her talking to Jesus in her room.  She told Him that Easter would be a good time because, after all, You died for us.  (gave us the hint who she's talking too!)  Now, with Easter among us, we keep going back to that conversation.  We keep wondering if it will happen soon.  I saw her on my birthday and the thought hit me that this could be the last time I see her alive.  I made sure that I gave her a hug and told her I love her.  There is also a precious baby girl that will soon be back in the hands of Jesus.  A kiss on her small delicate  newborn head just to let her know she is loved by many breaks my heart.   God has a way of talking to you through music and I had my Mark Shultz CD in.  This song came on after I saw her:

 "Then something died inside of me to sit with him and hear
The tests that said our baby may not live to be a year
Then turnin' to my wife and he said "whatcha you wanna do?"
And she said...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna hold her hand
I wanna be her mom for as long as I can
And I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved"

What it means to be loved by M. Shultz

My heart just aches.  The ugly tears and stuffy nose has once again hit.  I am so thankful and blessed that we serve a risen savior.  It is because Jesus arose on the third day, that I know I'll see these loved ones one again.  It is because He LIVES that I have hope.  This year, the joys of Easter traditions have seemed to escape me.  It has left me with the true meaning of Easter.

"Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone!

Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives!"

Because He lives by Bill & Gloria Gaither

Reaching Across the Ocean

It is amazing how God can use you when you let him.  My little blog here isn't anything glamorous.  It's real life.  The good.  The bad.  Even the ugly tears.  I don't pretend here that everything is great when my heart is breaking.  When something is great, I'll share that as well.  It is all here.  It's open for anyone to read.  I don't have anything to hide.

Some one asked me why I write this blog.  My answer?  I just want God to use me.  If through this blog, I can help another person going through a struggle, it means something.   My sin and mistakes are spelled out in black and white.  My worries and struggles are there for all to see.  But through all the mud of this life, my hope is found in God alone.  I want that to be light, even if just a small nightlight, for some one struggling.

And as amazing as it is to me, not only do I have friends that will read a post here and there and let me know it touched them.  But, just this week alone ~ I had around 20 views from each of these countries:  Germany, United Kingdom, Sweden, and Russia!!!  That is incredible to me knowing that my little blog could touch some one in another country.  My posts about autism are visiting frequently, as well as, my posts about abuse and self-esteem.  I pray that these people searching for answers can find the hope and peace that I have found.

So, thank you to those viewers to my humble abode.  My hope is that I've been able to let you know that your not alone.  We all struggle.  We all crumble to our knees at times.  What matters is what you look at while your down on your knees.  Are you looking around for answers that cannot be found?  Or are your eyes pointed up where our hope is found?

Following God's Lead...

So easy to talk about.  Kinda' can become generic almost.  But, there comes a time when talking about it should be moved into doing.  With the doing comes trusting the Lord to guide you.  That's were I am right now.  Trusting the Lord to guide my steps now that I have taken those steps forward.

I have been helping out in a little kids Sunday school class.  But, God has been working on my heart for the older kids since January.  The ones that are currently struggling through middle school and junior high.  There is so much pressure on that age group.  School...Friends...Bullies...even Family.  I just love those kids.  Although, the call to work with that age group has never been there before.  I figured all of those positions were taken so I didn't need to worry.  It's all taken care of, right?

So, I did try to ignore God's nudges a bit.  Really.  Just being honest.  I was looking into other options, maybe even a  women's group.  Yet, God has a way of just dealing with your heart to prepare you for a certain job.  He wasn't preparing me for more busy work. (don't need any of that!)  He was preparing me for these kids.  So, just as God knew, the teachers for that age group stepped down and that position that God has been preparing me for came open.

I am excited about the opportunity that God has prepared me for.  The vision God has given me is to lead discussions on life applications with the Bible.  Not just recite this verse or memorize this because these kids are there for Sunday school, church, and even Sunday night service.  There are a lot of great Biblical books out there for this age group about peer pressure, friends, leading my example, and even beginnings of dating.   I would like to take the Bible and apply it for everyday struggles that this age group faces everyday.  Yes, I know getting  this age group to participate in discussions can be a difficult but I am hoping they will catch on.  :)

I am excited about where God is leading me.   This Wednesday, we will be looking at Malchus.   A small character in the Easter story.   I know, you might be scratching you head on who that is.  :)  It's okay.  His story was mentioned in several gospels but only named in one! 

Where is God leading your footsteps?  Are you listening?  Or resisting?

Hope for the Weary

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my 

righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:20

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them,

for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave

you or forsake you."   Deuteronomy 31:6

"You will forget your misery; you will remember it as waters that 

have passed away.  And your life will be brighter than the noonday;

its darkness will be like the morning.  And you will feel secure, 

because there is hope; you will look around and take your rest in 

security."  Job 11:16-18

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for

welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you 

will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You 

will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.  I will

be found by you..."   Jeremiah 29:11-14

There is a season of trials taking place in lives of several church  families.   A time to lean on God to sustain us day by day.  Cancer will soon be taking a father/grandfather home.  Another woman going through radiation because of something found in her breast.  We have another woman in our church still in the hospital after an accident.  We have some wonderful parents still unsure of the outcome of their baby.  Another couple that would make wonderful parents but having troubles conceiving.  There is also a family that will be leaving us to move for husband's work.  There is so much pain right now as we try to understand God's will for our lives.  And to accept His will as what is best.

I lift these lives and families up to you, Lord.  May you have Your hand in 

each life.  Lord, I know that your are the Great Physician and that only

You can heal our weary bodies.  I just ask that Your will be done and that 

you give us the peace to accept it.  Please, Lord, let these families feel

Your love and comfort as only You can give.  I know that many reading this

 are going  through their own trials.   Many are going through them alone.

 I pray that they will feel Your presence in their life and the hope that only 

You can provide.  Amen.

True Friendships

My oldest, Joey, found a t-shirt at Target last weekend.  He really wanted it.  The shirt said, "may your life be as awesome as you pretend on Facebook."  Why is it that we naturally feel like we have to hide everything?  Or put up another front so no one can see inside.

We all do the clean up before anyone comes over.  Read that again so you don't feel alone.  Do you realize that we ALL do that?  My life is not perfect by any means.  My house seems to always have a room in the demolition phase.  We have been here since August and I still have not even painted my living room so I can put pictures up.  (we did gut and put back together the kitchen, so I have been busy)  So, often, I feel like my life is a mess! 

Yet, I try to hide it.  I sweep and mop, and vacuum the living room hoping you don't notice the stain from when my dog ate a bag of Sweetheart candies and puked.  Clean laundry gets put up just moments before I know your coming over.  Dishes are washed and still drying when you enter the kitchen.

So, please look past my moment of terror when you knock on my door unexpected.  My t-shirt might be one I slept with my rubber ducky pajama bottoms.  Real life is messy.  It's not glamorous by any means.   Please do the same if I stop to knock on your door.  I won't judge your dirty dishes in the sink.  I am just there for you.

Friendship is there through the good stuff and the trials.  God gave us each other so we would not have to do it alone.  What a blessing!  The friendships that only see each other when the hair is done perfectly and make-up looks great are not real.  They won't be there when the ugly tears fall.  Know what I mean?  There's the dainty little cry where a tear or two falls.  Anyone can pat your back or say a nice word.  Then, there are the tears where your heart is breaking and nose is running and eyes are red and puffy.  Real friends will hold you close and not care what is making their shirt wet.  :)
 

Forever Changed: Part 3

The first weeks after my miscarriage are just a blur.  Looking back, I can't really remember them.  I knew I needed to focus on my boys and find ways to be happy once again.  But knowing and being able to actually do it is difficult.  I lost my baby in the fall.  So, I threw myself into the holidays.  I was cooking and baking a lot.  Christmas looking and shopping was therapy. (don't recommend, just being honest!) Decorating the house.  Anything that would keep me busy.  Keeping my mind off the stocking that would never be filled.  Each and everyday I would still go into her nursery when the boys took a nap.  I'd sit in that rocking chair and talk to God.  November and December seemed to go by quickly.  I thought I was doing okay really. 

Then January came and life calmed down. That is when it hit me.  I cried...a lot.  I just wanted my baby girl.  I wanted to hold her and see her smile.  I wanted to kiss baby toes and wrap her in my lavender blanket.  My due date was in March and I kept thinking of what could have been.  I asked God to heal her body and bring her back to me.  I missed her.  I wanted to feel her kicking inside of me.  The way she would get the hiccups.  I wanted to have my soup craving back.  (that's what I wanted all of the time!)  I wanted her to move when I would sing.

It was a very hard time.  I was in a dark place.  Life had gone on for everyone.  It was like no one remembered her but me.  I felt so alone.  I did try and talk with a friend who had a miscarriage.  But the similarities were not there.  She was only about 6 weeks along.  For her, it was sad and disappointing but she'd just try again.  The emotional attachment to that child wasn't there.  There wasn't a name with no baby and an empty nursery waiting to be filled.

I learned during that time to lean on God more than ever.  I had to trust in His will.  In His timing.  So many tears were cried.  I just didn't understand why but I had to trust that God only wants what is best for us.  That was a hard mind change for me honestly.  I just wanted my will for my child and I had to let that go.  I had to accept God's will for my baby.  I had to love on my boys and let them love on me.  Because I needed that unconditional love of a child as well as the unconditional love my heavenly Father to see me through.

I don't know why things like this happen.  We live in a fallen world and things happen for reason we may never understand.  I know that God is the great comforter.  Only He can begin to heal your heart and bring you peace.  I know that I am a different person than before.  I pray that Destiny's life be used for God's glory.  I pray that God can use me and my experience to bring comfort to others. 

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father 

of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction,

so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with

the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we

share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share 

abundantly in comfort too."   2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Mother's Song

I've lost my baby daughter,
Though not misplaced.
I feel she's somewhere
Bound by neither time nor space.
Perhaps she sits before the Throne
With radiant face.
She could be dancing happily
Like little girls do
With golden taps beneath
Each precious little shoe.
I know she must love music,
So I'm sure it's true.
I'm grateful that in Heaven
She is healthy and strong
And that she's lulled to sleep each night
By Heaven's song,
But I wish I could hold her;
Is that terribly wrong?
I sang so often to her
While she was with me
And I will go on listening
For her harmony.
How sweet to know
I'll hear it In eternity. 

by Lisa L. Easterling

A Mother's Tears for the Unborn: Part 2

During this time, I still had two small boys at home.  Luke would have been around 2 and Joey about 3 1/2.  I wouldn't let them do the d&c they wanted.  Looking back, I think my denial was so large that I just couldn't imagine it actually being true.  I really thought that she was fine.  This baby would be healed and a miracle.  My doctor sat down and talked to me.  He was trying to get it across to me that I was too far along.  The pain would be too great.  I wouldn't budge.  So, they sent me home with prescriptions for some large pain pills.  They also made me an appointment for 4 weeks away at the hospital.  If I did not miscarry naturally by that time, they would do the d&c to make sure I didn't get sick.

For that month, I stayed busy during the day with my boys.  A constant prayer in my heart regarding my baby.   I got a few pats on the back from people saying they heard what happened and they were sorry.  During the boys nap time, I would go into the nursery and sit in my rocking chair.  I remember getting her dresses out and laying them on my belly.  Or just cuddling with her blanket.  Each day, nothing would happen.  No cramps.  No bleeding.  I just knew everything would be okay.  I would talk to her.  Pray to God.  My will was too strong at that time.  For I didn't want the will of my Father, I wanted my will for my child.  Forgetting that first and foremost, she was His all along.  That song by Phil Collins in the Tarzan movie would play...."Now stop your crying, it will be alright."   then it goes on to say, "You'll be in my heart.  Yes, you'll be in my heart.  Always."   The words are written at the bottom.  The words show so much love between mother and child.

The day finally came.  The next morning was my appointment at the hospital.  I asked for mercy from God.  I didn't want  the doctors to take my baby.  I would always wonder if they took her.  I wanted God let it happen naturally if I was going to lose my baby girl.  No doubts.  No wondering.  That night, after I put my boys to bed, my water broke for the first time (and only time) naturally in the kitchen.  I cried and cried because I knew this was it.

My labor had begun.  Yes, I did grab my pain pills but it was like taking an aspirin.  It kinda my my mind hazy but didn't help the pain.  So, what do I do?  I take more.  God was with me that night.  No other way to explain it.   I didn't call for help.  I didn't want to wake the boys up from sleep.  I remember thinking that.  My boys don't need to see all this blood.  They can't wake up and see me like this.  So, I went through hours silently.  My mom would later be so mad because I didn't even call her or go to the hospital when so much could have gone wrong.  I just remember not wanting to wake my boys up.  I didn't think of what could have to me. 

With God's help, I made it through that night.  I thought the hardest part would be done.  But... it wasn't.  Those days afterwards.  I remember driving with my boys to the library or to the store and that song would come on the radio.  By the time  the first line in the song was through, I would start crying.  By the end, I would have to pull over on the side of the road from crying so hard.  I knew then, that the hard part was just beginning.

You'll Be In My Heart

By Phil Collins

Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand
Hold it tight

I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry

For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here
in my heart always
Always

Cries of a Mother: Part 1

One never knows how news will affect us.  For my own family, it was just another Tuesday.  Another day at work.  Another day at school.  For friends of ours, it was a day changed their lives.  Friends of ours found out that their beautiful baby they are expecting next month has a rare disorder. The survival rate is low.  I know that God can work a miracle and heal her.  Times like these it is hard to say "Your will be done" when deep inside you just want everything to be alright.

I cried all afternoon.  Cries from one mother for another mother intended for God's ears alone.  This news took me back to another day about twelve years ago.  A day that our own lives changed.  It was a normal check up.  My pregnancy was going great.  After being so sick for all nine months with the boys, I finally had a glow with a pregnancy.  :)  I had some cute little dresses ready.  A soft, lavender blanket just waiting for my baby girl.  Her name was Destiny.  Isn't it pretty?

First thing was during the appointment a heartbeat check.  No biggie right?  Except that it was silent.  The nurse went out and got the doctor.  The doctor checked for it as well.  Silence.  I remember tears starting to fall as realization started to hit.  The doctor called down to the emergency room and down I went for a special ultrasound.  I prayed and prayed all the way.  They had to be wrong.  They just missed it.  I knew the ultrasound would find my baby to be just fine.

I was wrong.  My baby's heartbeat was gone.   Automatically they want to talk about doing a D & C.  I was too far along.  The baby was too big.  I couldn't do it.  I told the doctor if God wanted her back, then He has to take her. They couldn't have her.  So, they made me an appointment for 4 weeks away to check on me.  I still held out hope that they were wrong.  God would find a way to heal her.  I would sit in my rocking chair, hold her clothes next to me, and talk to her.  Talk with God.  Cry. I felt so alone. 

All those moments came back to me today.   Tears keep falling for my friend.  That pain is so hard to understand.  I pray for the Great Physician to bring His healing touch to this baby and family.  I know, Lord, that You want only the best for us.  Please keep this family in your prayers during this time.

"The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower."  Psalms 18:2

Great Faith

The faith of a mustard seed.

In Matthew 17:20, God assures us that is all that it takes to do the impossible.

I love the story in Matthew 8.   A man asked Jesus to heal his servant.  Jesus said, "I will come and heal him."  The man goes on to say he is not worthy for Jesus to be under his roof, "but just the word only, and my servant will be healed."  This man's faith is so powerful.  He did not need proof.  He did not need Jesus to even touch his servant.  Just speak it Lord, and it will be done.  Even Jesus marveled at his great faith.  And because of his great faith, the servant was healed.

To me, that is amazing.  You see my faith has grown through the years.  It has take a lot of trials in my life to build up my faith.  I don't know where my faith would be without those things.  Would I be like a babe needing milk?  Only beginning my journey and walk with God?

Remember the story of the storm in Matthew, Mark, and Luke?  Jesus disciples followed Him into a boat.  Jesus falls asleep and storm comes.  Waves are crashing onto the boat.  The disciples start to freak out.  They wake Jesus up asking him if he even cares they are perishing.   What does Jesus say?  "Have you still so little faith?"

Where are you with your walk with God?  In the parable of the seeds in Luke 8, some seeds were thrown among the path and trampled.  Has your faith been trampled by the world?  Some seeds fell upon a rock.  No place to develop roots and once a storm came upon,  they where washed away.  Is your faith shallow right now because there just isn't enough time to develop your relationship with Christ?  Is it because you are not willing to let go of something in order to make the time needed?  Some seeds fell among the thorns and got choked out and could not grow.  Is there just too much of the world in your life and not enough Christ?  Some seeds fell upon fertile ground and where able to bloom.  Are you nurturing your relationship with God?  Do you spend time with Him daily?

I pray that my heart will be a fertile ground for God's word and God's will to grow.  I pray that my faith will continue to grow  so that I might be a light to others in this world.