Busy Week

It's been one of those weeks. Actually, to be honest ~ just a long few days that have seemed to last. :) Kent had been having some heart pain especially since January. Usually things with some exertion, like walking/hiking and stairs. It would come and go. Then, it starting lasting longer. Once we went back to his heart doctor, we got a heart cath scheduled for Wednesday. We had to be there by 10 and his procedure was supposed to be at noon. Of course, it was around two when he went back. They were supposed to go through his arm and they did try it. It just didn't work and they had to go through his leg anyway. About an hour and a half later, the doctor came out. He suggestion was double bypass surgery. If we decided against that, he could put two stints in the one artery 70% clogged. It didn't take me but a few seconds to go with option 2. Kent was not ready for a bypass. We were on schedule to get the stints done the next morning.

The next morning, we find out that Kent is not being rushed back before appointments start. He is actually going to be dinning with the hospital for breakfast and lunch, then having the stints put in around 5ish. That makes for a long day.... Kent wasn't feeling good. In fact, he had a 102 degree fever. We were worried they would prolong it and not do the stints. They had to do blood work and chest scans to check for infection. Finally around one or two, the doctor came in and said that the surgery could continue as scheduled. We were so thankful. The time came around and we had to pack up everything because we were not coming back to the same room. To the waiting room we went.

The surgery took a little over an hour. Two stints were successfully placed in his clogged artery. We were moved into a different room for the second night. Kent had to lay flat on his back with his leg straight for over 7 hours! But, he is now walking around with 4 stints keeping the plumbing to his heart open. It was a long night, but we woke up knowing that if things went well ~ we'd finally be going home! Just don't know how good a hot shower feels until your washing your hair in the sink and using wash cloths! YUCK! We got home around 1:30 in the afternoon. Guess the first thing I did? Yep, one hot shower! Kent took a 3 hour nap. (I wonder if he'll sleep tonight now.) I got the kids and a rotisserie chicken for supper and came home. We watched the movie Grease together. Cuddled with my daughter. And tonight ~ I get to sleep in my bed. (not a recliner!!) It took some faith that it would be okay. It took a lot of prayers from family and friends. But ~ in the middle of both of those things ~ it took God. Just like always.

Encourage One Another

Proverbs 26:20-22

"Without wood a fire goes out; without a gossip the quarrel dies down. As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome person for kindling strife. The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts."

While reading Proverbs, I came across this verse. Don't you love the description? I can visualize the fire or even the words 'choice morsels.' It goes on in verse 24 to say, "Enemies disguise themselves with their lips, but in their hearts they harbor deceit. " Each of us gets a different image in our head about this that is some how a product of our childhood or how we're raised. Honestly, when I think of this, it takes me back to 6th grade. That's when the separation began for me. I remember being in the bathroom stall when some of the popular girls came in and started talking about me. I stayed in there until they left. Then, I cried and had to wipe it up and go back to the classroom. Of course, jr. high was even more of this. People who you thought we're your forever friends couldn't even be faithful for a year. Yet, growing into an adult it happened. There were several 'friends' I had had to cut ties with in my 20's. I learned they wanted me to be there for them, but it was never going to be the other way around. They were waiting for me to fall, not to help me back up ~ but, talk or laugh. Hard lesson.

Now, in my 30's, this verse still applies. There's still have that feeling that there is some one ready to criticize. I'm not always the be best mother I should be. Or the best wife. Or the best friend. I'm not the best at a lot of things especially not at the same time!! Yeah, sometimes it's just my little voice inside my head. Sometimes it's not, but I'm learning that's okay. I'm still here on this Earth, so that means that I'm still learning. I've not always been as strong in my faith or my beliefs. I've made mistakes. I'm pretty sure that I'll make some mistakes even tomorrow. If we're honest, I think that we all will. This journey is all about learning and growing. It's up to us if we're going to stop trying. And if we're willing to forgive when we do fail. (ourselves and each other) Life's not perfect. It's messy! We need the encouragement from one another. (Don't we judge ourselves hard enough??) I've been described as a negative deceitful person before. It' hurts because I don't think of myself this way. I try very hard not to talk about others negatively. Yet, comments (yes, gossip) that I said years ago can mark some one's perception of me even today. We must be careful with our words. Hard lesson.

I know that I'm not perfect, just still trying. . . changing. . . evolving. This little blog is about my journey. The bad: The childhood abuse. Parent's divorce. Rape. Miscarriage. Autism. And the good, yes good, that can come from it. The hope. The faith. The love. I wouldn't wish my life on anyone, but I wouldn't trade it either. I am a thankful person. I am a blessed person. I'm becoming a person to be proud of. A better follower of God. A better wife, mother, aunt, & friend. Yes, I still have things to work on, but I am a work in progress! God isn't through with me yet! :) This quote is not from the Bible, but it's a very hard quote to live up to. It's amazing!

"I resolve to speak ill of no man whatever, not even in a matter of truth;

but rather, by some means excuse the faults I hear charged upon others,

and upon proper occasions speak all the good I know of everybody."

~ Benjamin Franklin

Listen. . .

John 10:25-27

"Jesus answered, I did tell you but you did not believe. The works

I do in my Father's name testify about me, but you do not believe

because you are not my sheep. My sheep listen to my voice;

I know them, and they follow me."

Wouldn't it be wonderful if God's voice would answer your prayers? Or like Even Almighty and just be able to have a conversation to God. To understand Him. To see or touch Him. Yes, that day is coming. Until then ~ we are here on the this side waiting for glimpses of other side. If you are like me, sometimes it is hard to wait and listen. . .

Remember that Garth Brooks song that called "Unanswered Prayers"? This is the chorus:

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers

Remember when your talkin' to the man upstairs

That just because He doesn't answer doesn't mean He don't care

Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

There are times when silence is the answer from God. He knows we can handle it. Then, there are times when we ask for help, but we don't listen for the answer. I know that I do that. I talk to God all of the time. In the car. At work. At home. In the shower. But, when do I just stop... And try to listen? I go through different phases in my life where I am better at it than others. It seems that the harder my situation is ~ the more I try to stop & listen. Search for some sign from God. Yet, I know that I need help with this. It should be more consistent on my part of listening to God. I am one of the Lord's wondering sheep. He wants to keep me safe. He even wants me to be happy. He doesn't keep me fenced in, yet He watches my steps with care. What an amazing relationship that He offers each of us...if we would just listen and believe!

"The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want." Psalm 23:1

Psalm 25

Last week when I was reading the bible....looking for something but I didn't know what. I had a few things wrote down from Psalm 24 from church a few Sunday's ago. So, I started there. When I got to Psalm 25, I stopped and re-read it a few times. This! This is what I was looking for! You might be thinking...that was a week ago, haven't you moved on since then? Yes, but I keep going back to it. It's amazing!

David's plea...his yearning...that should be our plea. Our yearning. "Guide me in your truth and teach me" for "my hope is in you" (v5). My hope is not here in this world. I'm very thankful for that. This world if falling apart. My hope is knowing there is God that loves me. Mistakes and all. He wants me to do better...be better...yet, understands when I fall and extends His grace. Even David can look at his life and see mistakes.

(v7) "Do not remember the sins of my youth and rebellious ways;

according to your love remember me, for you Lord, are good."

In verses 16-18, David speaks about the anguish carrying around these mistakes can be. He cries out to God to "be gracious", "relieve the troubles of my heart," and to "take away all my sins." As I grow in my relationship with the Lord, it does just that..it grows. My trust and my faith has strengthened through the storms He has allowed in my life. It becomes different. It's not enough to just to go through life not stealing and murdering. Honestly, I don't have a problem with that! ;~) I don't believe that was David's problem either. It's the little sins that can sneak in our day and our life. The anger towards another, rightful or not. The little white lies we think doesn't matter. The judements we can make based on color, language, wealth, or anything else. To those in the world, these little things don't really matter. After all we are not breaking any of man's laws. Man does not care if we're angry and lie. But, I think when we are saved, that we are held to a higher standard. We are striving to be like Christ. Remember the story in John chapter 4 about Jesus and the woman at the well? She was first of all a woman and an outcast. Many believe she was a prostitue. Yet, Jesus not only speaks to her but offers her the living water..He overs her hope. How many people have we walked by without speaking to? How many have we judged? What a wonderful reminder that I needed.

(v20-21) "Guard my life and rescue me; do not let me be

put to shame, for I take refuge in you.

May integrity and uprightness protect me,

because my hope, Lord, is in you."

Valentine's Gift

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been

any different. It's accepting the past for what it was." ~ J.Kornfield

Isn't that an amazing quote? To accept the past for what it was and the next thing that should be added is.... to move on. Learn from it, yes. But to move on. Quit dragging it around with you for the rest of your life. God offers this to us as well. Forgiveness. It's in Him we are able to break free from the mistakes of our lives.

Acts 10:43

"All the prophets testify about him that everyone who believes in Him

receives forgiveness of sins through his name."

And, if God can grant us forgiveness for all that we do, we must do the same for those who trespass against us. Not to say that it's always easy. Some things are easier to let go than others. But, with Valentines Day coming up ~ this is on my heart. After all, the One that loves us the most, has already given us the best gift ever. He has given us forgiveness! That is the key to our relationships while we are here as well. Family. Friends. Strangers. We all do things that need forgiven by others. And ~ We are all in need of Love. Let's celebrate this weekend the love we have in our lives and the One that has shown us real love and forgiveness.

God Valentine Gift

God's Valentine Gift of love to us

was not a bunch of flowers,

It wasn't candy or a book

to while away the hours.

His gift was to become a man

So He could freely give

His sacrifical love for us,

so you and I could live.

He gave us sweet salvation

and instruction good & true,

To love our friends and enemies

And love our Savior, too.

So, as we give our Valentines,

Lets thank our Lord and King

The reason we have love to give

Is that He gave everything!

~ J. Fuchs

S N O W

It's been a crazy winter. I honestly don't remember the last time I've walked in 2 feet of snow. It's been days spent inside with the kids. Cuddling on the couch watching a movie. Playing games of Yahtzee and Phase 10. Playing games on the Wii. (Pictionary is so much fun!) It's been times times of a warm bowl of soup or chicken and dumplings. Snow ice cream for dessert, of course. Warm cookies straight from the oven. Going out into the snow and lasting only about 30 minutes just to add more clothes to the pile of laundry! :) I think of these snow days and they bring a smile to my face. It won't be long and they'll be gone. These snow days will just be a warm memory.

Self Worth vs. Self Esteem

We briefly spoke of this during Sunday school. I think that all of us have self esteem issues if we're honest. We're not thin enough, smart enough, or good looking enough. How else is there a multi-billion dollar industry writing and selling books about self esteem? People, on the whole, are trying to fill that hole inside of us. Searching for something to fill it up and make us feel better. Some books try to tie self worth and self esteem as the same thing, but I don't believe it is. Self esteem changes day to day, sometimes moment to moment. When get frustrated and yell at one of my kids, my self esteem goes down because I feel bad for my actions. If my pants aren't as loose as they were, my self esteem goes down. But ~ self worth ~ that is different. Our self worth comes from our Creator. Genesis 1:26-27 tells us that "God created mankind in his own image." We are worth so much to God that He sent Jesus here to live and to die for us. Isn't that amazing to think about?

Colossians 3:12-14

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved,

clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness,

and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any

of you have a grievance with against someone. Forgive as

the Lord forgave you. And over all of these virtues put on

love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

No only were we created in God's image, we are God's chosen people that are loved! In Matthew 10:30, we are reminded that "even the very hairs on your head are all numbered." Our worth is not tied to our bad hair days ~ they are tied to our very Creator.

Daniel Johnston said this: "The reality is that loving your neighbor as yourself begins with you. You must love and value yourself if you are to love others. You have to respect yourself and acknowledge your own self worth. You must take care of yourself so that you can love and help your neighbor."

So, our self worth comes from God and His love for us. The worth that He places on each of us. The worth that He sees when He looks at us. Where does our self esteem come from? I believe that our self esteem should come from service to others. That wonderful, warm feeling inside when we do something good for others. Those wonderful moments when we are Christ-like, just as the bible has commanded.

Matthew 20:28 "just as the son of man did not come to be served, but to serve..."

1 Peter 4:10 "each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others..."

All of these thoughts have made me stop and think about what I'm teaching my children. Where do my kids self esteem and self worth come from? Are they like I was when I was younger? Searching? Looking in the mirror and falling short? Or do I make my kids think of themselves too high? Does our little world revolve too much around them and their wants and not enough around other peoples needs?? So many children in today's society are spoiled (yes, I said it!) and everything revolves around them in their homes. They may even go to church on Sunday but do they practice what the bible says? God wants us to have hearts of a servant. (And not just serving our children..lol) I think that's where our self esteem should begin. With the heart of a servant. This is something I must work on as well at home.

No matter What

This song by Kerrie Roberts had me turning up the radio and singing loud. It's a beautiful song that can cover any circumstance you maybe going through. I hope you enjoy it as well.

Brotherly Love

What will it take for God to get your attention?

That's a good question. For Christians, it is very easy to put God on the back burner. Yes, we know He's there. We cry out if something comes up. But, when do we stop just going through our lives on auto ~ and ask for His guidance... His help... His strength daily?

Right now, what's on my heart are the others. The ones like my Dad was. I'm not really sure what or if he had a spiritual life growing up. I just know that I didn't go to church growing up. Once I started going with friends and would try to talk to him about it, he just talked about how 'they' stuck their noses down at others, how judgemental they are, and he just didn't need it. Then, cancer came and got Dad's attention. It changed him. He had the chance to talk with other's about God before he died. He knew God before he passed away. Not the Christians that sometimes get in the way of God's real message... but, God. The loving Father.

Psalm 46:10

"He says, Be still and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth."

My brother is on my heart again. I haven't heard from him in over a year besides a message on Facebook. He told me that his doctor wanted to know what kind of cancer Dad had. Yeah, I know. That would imply that his doctor is doing testing on something. Of course, I don't know any more than that. (He wouldn't tell me.) I've prayed for years for my brother to be able to let go of some of his hurt and anger. To forgive because it's proven that anger that lives inside can cause true health problems. To become a part of our family. Maybe this is my brother's attention grabber. I don't know. I just know that I'll be there if or when he calls. I know that I love him. Not because of something he's done or not done. Just because it is. He's my family. I don't know my brother's relationship with God right now, because I honestly don't know him. I do know that God loves him and can see him through anything. And if given the chance, I'd be there too.

Psalm 59:16-17

"But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love;

For you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.

You are my strength, I sing praise to you;

you, God, are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely."

Through Sickness & Health

Today is our 14th wedding anniversary. It's unreal in someways. I don't really feel old enough to be married that long! LOL I'm thinking that's good...yeah, that's what I'm going with. There's plenty enough days that I feel old! :) And those vows ~ through sickness and in health. I never knew how those words would play a part in our lives.

Kent has had asthma since his childhood. Yet, eight years into our marriage, he had a heart attack. He was only 39. If you ask him, he didn't have a heart attack. If you ask his doctor & me, he did. In fact, when we got to the hospital they gave him some nitros to stop it and they didn't work. Dr. Carver came out of his surgery and told me that his heart attack actually didn't stop until the stints were put in. Kent's now had a total of three stints put in, two different surgeries. Which is scary enough. He's now not only on asthma meds, but blood pressure meds and cholesterol meds. Last year, he was also diagnosed with diabetes. With that comes even more medication... more things to worry about... more things that can go wrong.

Lately, he's had more heart pain. Sometimes it's a fight of stairs. Sometimes just walking around. It's even happened at work. He has an appointment in a few weeks for his 6 month check, but I called and spoke with the nurse. I've explained what's going on and that I want some testing done to find out what's going on. She was supposed to call me back today, but because of the snow storm, they are closed. Hopefully, I will hear something tomorrow. I just don't see waiting for his appointment and then schedule some testing. We need to know now what's going on. We don't know if we have that much time to wait. I ask for your prayers right now. I know that this is very hard for my husband. He doesn't like to talk about it or to worry anyone. He doesn't like the idea of another surgery. More time off of work. However, I know that God is in control of the situation. He won't give us anything we cannot handle.

Luke 12:25-26

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?

Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"