Reason for the Season

Today is my favorite holiday.  The weather is usually perfect.  The fall leaves are beautiful.  A day to stop in our busy life and just be thankful.  It is a holiday to be surrounded by the family you love, but don't always see.  It's not about gifts, like so much of Christmas is.  It is about coming together to see cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and even friends.  To come together, enjoy a good meal, play a few games, tell lots of stories, and make memories to last.  This year, it is a little different for us.

 We lost G.G. in August of this year.  She lived a long long wonderful life filled with those she loved.  Those memories of her stay with us long after she is gone.  Memories of frisbee, dominoes, and skip-bo.  Memories of "just a little piece" of pie.  (which we proceeded to give her a big slice and she ate it all)  Memories of Thanksgiving with 30+ family members gathered in one place.  I knew this year would be different without her.

 Just this week, I attended two funerals:  A grandfather and a grandmother.  Two that are no longer sick and celebrating on the other side.  However, there are widows, children, and grandchildren that are left with a hole in their heart.  Those Thanksgiving tables were missing some one.  It makes me hold the ones I love a little closer.  The Bible tells us that we are not guaranteed tomorrow.   Two funerals in one week is a big reminder of that.  We have today.  And in the end, stuff won't matter.  It's family.  It's friends.  It's the love we share.

I look around today and wondered what the next year will hold.  If we will all be back to celebrate the next Thanksgiving with the family.  If that sounds morbid, I'm sorry.  But, like I said, it's been one of those weeks.  The grief and sadness I have felt this week, is just a testimony of their lives.  I wouldn't trade the tears I've shed this week because their lives mean something.  Not just to their spouse, kids, and grandchildren.  Their lives meant something to me and to my family.

Thankful....I truly am.  I am thankful for a God that loves me even when I mess up.  I am thankful for my children. And as a list runs through my head....the list is filled with people.  Yes, there are "stuff"...like a home for my family or food on my table.  But, most of all, my thankful list is filled with people.... and so much more than just my three kids. (although they are up there on the list!)  Our little world is so much more than the five of us.   Those people God has put in my life, they are the reason for this holiday.  They are the reason my heart is full. Those are reasons to be Thankful.  There is no place I'd rather be then gathered around a good meal looking upon faces that I love.

Taking the cover off

Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows.  Sometimes it's just barely making it through the day.  Some days are more like a tornado tearing through your life.  Then there are days when you feel like the rain will never end.  I've learned that we are all books with different covers.  Covers... can hide something you don't want others to see.  Yet, you hope that some one will want to open it up and know what's on the inside.

Covers can hide many things.  There is of course, the beauties that are only skin deep.   There are the athletes that seem so confident but struggle with believing in themselves.  There are smart ones that feel like that will fail at everything and then get too scared to try.  There are ones that are will do anything to make some one love them.  There are also the happy ones that cry when no one is looking. 

No one's life is picture perfect.  There are moments of perfection to savor and look back on.  Moments that you wish would have lasted longer.  Those perfect moments when you look up and thank God for where you are and where He has brought you.  We all love those moments.  Those moments feel like a true connection with God.  The problems of this world fade away and the good stuff -- the blessings -- are what is left.

But, we all have moments where we feel like we are on the bottom of the stairs and we don't know if we have the energy to climb them.  It doesn't matter who we are.  It doesn't matter how rich or famous we are.  It doesn't matter how old or young we are.  There are days where the effort to climb the stairs...to deal with life and it's problems...are just too much.  You have been there.  I have been there.

But, what happens next is the important part.  It's not being at the bottom of the stairs.  The important part is what happens when you are down there.  Do you expect a person to fill that void your feeling and lift you up?  That is a high demand which they are bound to fail.  Or do you look up?  My strength comes not from me, but from Him.  God hears every cry of my heart.  He hears the words that are locked in my heart...the ones that only come out in tears.  I know, in those times, that He hears my heart.  That only He can help me up the stairs that seem so steep.  I know only He can see through what ever cover I'm hiding behind and heal the broken pieces with in me.  That place inside of you that you are trying to fill -- it's God's place.

I lift up my eyes to the hills.  From where does my help come?

My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

Psalm 121: 1-2

Be Still

Some days it is easy to find the blessings around you.  Those days where you feel your bucket overfilling spilling over.  When you just glow with happiness. You turn on the radio and it's that song you love that you haven't heard in a while.  Those days when your kids remember to say, "thank you" or "love you Momma." Those days were your gas tank isn't low and the roads are long. Then, there are the other days.....

The days when the stupid alarm won't let you sleep and it's only 5:30.  Or the other days when it some how lets you sleep and you only have 30 minutes to get everyone up and be at work.  Those days when no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to do anything right... and there are plenty of people to let you know about it.  Those days where you end the day not physically tired, but emotionally drained.  done. exhausted. The white flag is now raised, I give up.  Please leave me alone.  Let me curl up in a ball so no one can see me because I'm so small.  (My kids and I always loved that children's book)

There are circumstances when you try this and it doesn't work.  So, you try something else and you seem to slip farther away from the goal.  You must remember that sometimes God just wants you to stop and be still.  There are times when God wants total dependency on Him.  He lets us try things our way and wonder why it is not working.  That's when we cry out to God and ask for help.  That is the moment that God has been waiting for.  For you to turn to Him.  To realize that you need Him.  In the middle of the storm you are going through, just take a deep breath and be still.  God knows your circumstances and He knows your heart.  He is just waiting for that invitation.

"The Lord will fight for you, you only have to be silent."  -  Exodus 14:14

"Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  - Isiah 41:10

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety."  - Psalm 18:2

Summer of Changes

It's been around 24 days since schools been out.  I am realizing a few things.  The days of staying up until 3 am finishing a book are gone.  I'm old and my eyes are way too blurring at 3 am to be reading small print.  I realize that without a list of things to get done... I am way too easily sidetracked.  :D  I have done nothing of that "oh, I'll get that done during the summer" list.  I have done a lot of hiking.  I have gone to little towns I've never been before.  I have cheered at some soccer games.  I have tried Hurts Donuts and Burton's Creamery.  I have wondered in local book stores.  I've played in the Buffalo River a few times already.  Nothing fancy, but good days.

I look at my kids and I know all of it is about to change.  Joey is starting his second year of college.  Next summer, he wants to be a counselor at YoungLife camp for  month out of state.  Luke will be working full time soon.  These days of just jumping in the van with all three kids will be rare.  Soon enough, it will be just Faith and I.  Well, it will probably be me, Faith, and either:  1.  Cooper  2.  Zoe  Or a combination plus a few more.  And, well, that's okay.

Yeah, I know, I've had to get used to the whole "boyfriend" idea as well.  Look at your baby girls and know that it will happen.  Your little pig-tailed, tomboy, baby girl will soon want to wear dresses and heels.   Probably a lot sooner then you will want.  Hopefully, she will pick some one with some substance and not just a pretty face or the star of  the football team.  Faith has picked a good one.  Which, one side of me, makes me proud of her....the other side makes me worried because she is only 15.  They are just babies but they've been together almost two years already.  They have so much ahead of them -- good and bad. 

But, he is her best friend and she is his, which is the way it should be. So, we will make room for one more.  Just as his family has made room for Faith.  Faith's older brothers have accepted him and like him.  They have found things in common to talk about.  Their favorite is picking on Faith together.  :)   High school years can bring many changes as kids figure out who they really are and their groups of friends usually change.  Who knows what will happen over the next 3 years.  I am glad that they have each other as they begin this next chapter.  I've realized that the word boyfriend doesn't always mean drama, which is what I feared.  Relationships in junior high and high school are so up and down and drama filled that I didn't want any part for my kids.  I wanted my kids to grow up and figure out who they really are before dealing with that drama.  But, Faith and Cooper have shown that it doesn't have to be that way.  Will they make it through high school and college together?  They have a better chance than most.  I have no way of knowing, but I am glad he is here now. And, I expect him to be around for many more adventures. 

My Judgemental Self

My kids have been giving a hard time about being judgemental lately.  Telling me that I am such a judgemental person.  But, I beg to differ.  I really am pretty open.  Tattoos, long hair on guys, weird fashion statements....what ever.  May not agree with having a tattoo of an eye on your bald head but if you can live with it, then so can I.  Not to get political, but I even figure that it is not my right to judge whether it is right or wrong to be gay.  I'll let God decide that.  It is not for me to judge.  The Bible says to love your neighbor.  You can't do that if your condemning them to Hell from across the street.  There is one thing that I know I am judgemental on. Girls that dress slutty.  I just want to slap the girl's momma's or ask the adults "did you even look in the mirror??"

 Okay, girls if you are walking around with a wedgie -- your shorts might be too tight.  Seriously, it doesn't even look comfortable.  Just last night there was a 15 year old with shorts like this.  No, this is not her.  I am not some weird stalker talking pictures of a little girls booty!  Geez guys, give me a break!

Oh, and we live in the middle of it all:   horror stories of people at Wal-Mart! I'd gladly see some one in the pj's compared to the lady yestereday.  I went to Wal-Mart and while driving out of the parking lot there was a fairly large lady with skinny jeans, tight low cut shirt, and 4 or 5" red high heels.  Yes, quite the combo there.  As I am sitting in the van and asked my kids if they saw the lady with the red heels, they totally missed it.  I know it's bad, but a part of me was a bit sad so we could talk about how bad she look. :D  See, yes I am so judgemental on the slutty look and I admit it.

I know it's human nature to look at other's and size them up.  Appearance is part of that.  My oldest really doesn't get it.  He wears clothes that don't match half the time and totally does not look at appearances.  I'll say something about some one walking by and he seriously doesn't even notice.  In a way, I am proud that I raised him like that.  It shows me that besides the slutty look... I'm not really a judgemental person.  Otherwise, Joey would be more judgemental than he is. (that's logical, right?)

If girls could just keep things a little more covered or sometimes looser, we could all get along.  Shorts are not supposed to be the same size as your underwear. Having your boobs hang out of your shirt might be great at a nightclub,but I don't need to see that at Wal-Mart.  Skinny jeans and 4" heels can really only be pulled off by Beyonce.  And I know this sounds REALLY old fashioned, but here it goes:  just because you have the body to pull off a bikini doesn't mean you really need to wear one.  Yeah, the whole everyone has one, doesn't work for this Momma.  Don't care.  Not going to say that everyone who wears one looks slutty, but just saying my daughter isn't wearing one.  You can look more attractive covering up a little bit then putting it all out there.  I know that makes me sound really old, but little triangles covering up my baby girl is not going to work.

There it is.  My judgemental self is out there now, warts and all.  If your one of those Momma's that let your teenage daughter wear the triangles for a swimsuit or underwear for shorts, I apologize now for the thoughts that will go through my head this summer.  Being a mom to a teenage girl is hard and we have to make tough decisions. In some ways, I guess I am more conservative than I thought.  I know that there are times, my daughter does not agree with me, but I am hoping that in long run -- she will. 

My Baby Boy

This school year has gone by so fast.  As my kids get older, it seems to go faster.  Hoping at some point that time will once again slow down again.  The whole take time to smell the flowers kinda thing.  I have a yard full of irises, lilies, and peonies but not home very long to actually enjoy them. I am not going to complain though.  I wouldn't want it any other way... most of the time.

I have a senior again this year.  (Proof that God does have a sense of humor!  Seriously, have a 8 month old and find out your pregnant again!  hahaha.... after the tears!!)  It's is different from Joey's senior year.  Joey's there was A LOT of tears because there was the lots of "lasts".   His last time marching in the stadium for the last performance on the football field.  His last play.  His last spring concert.  You get the picture.  I was dehydrated before graduation!!  Luke's has kind of been the quite senior year.  All of a sudden and it's like what do you mean it's your last week of high school????  Wow!  I finally got a couple more senior photos done and I still haven't even got his cards printed!!

Isn't he handsome?  Yeah, I'm his Momma and I am supposed to think that.  He is my quite middle child.  My child that has taught me the most.  He has made me a better person and a better mother.  Through the years, I have learned to be strong and to fight for my kids.  The past 13 years of school has not been easy for Luke or me.  I have cried, prayed, pleaded, yelled, climbed the ladder until some one listened, and cried some more.  And, I would do it all over again.  He is worth it and so much more.  Parents don't give up.  YOU are your child's advocate.  If you won't do it, then no one will.  Don't always accept what some one in authority says.  You do what you believe is in the best interest of your child. 

We have had some wonderful teachers through the years.  They have hugged, been a shoulder of strength, and cried with me.  But, we have had some that really didn't care.  When Joey or Faith have a bad teacher, they deal with it and succeed despite the teacher.  When Luke had one of those teachers, it could ruin his whole year and affect his attitude towards the coming year.  You know your kids better than anyone else on this earth.  It's harder when the child is quite and keeps things to himself a lot, but I can't stress enough to take the time to notice their behavior and attitude.  It can tell you more than their words say when they get older.

We have made it to his senior year.   It's been an awesome year.  He finally has straight A's.  We've had a joke all year that it has taken him 13 years, but he finally got straight A's.  :D  I am proud of the person he is becoming.  Only God knows what his future holds, but God has brought us this far so my trust goes to Him.  Luke has learned a lot his senior year with a few great teachers that really care about him.  My prayer is that God will protect Luke and guide his footsteps.

Life of a Teenager

One of the facts of my life right now:  my kids are big.  That does come with some perks.  No fighting over what clothes to wear...most of the time.  No more Bob the Builder (Luke), Dora the Explorer(Faith), or Bear in the Big Blue House(Joey) playing loudly through the house.  Although, I didn't mind watching Sponge Bob.  There isn't anymore getting frantically shook at 5 am on Christmas morning.  Nor is there playing at the park and pushing swings.  okay....that seriously went to sad and depressing.  :(

It is a part life that I am slowly accepting.  The good and the bad.  As my kids grow and change, it also changes me.  When my kids were small, teenagers seemed like they were from another planet and that stage of life really intimidated me.  I am on my third teenager now and I am like "bring it!"  Okay -- not everyday.  But there are some days I can say that!! :D  And being around 10 or more

teenagers at the same time is normal now.  My boys have warped my sense of humor but if you ask them -- they gave me a sense of humor.  I get guy humor now.  Unfortunately.  First time I watched Rat Race, I seriously left and read a book.  Boys thought it was so funny.  Years later, watched it again -- I was laughing so hard I was crying.  I won't even say some of the other movies I find funny now.  It is not something I am proud of.  You would think I am really stupid.  Let's leave it as, my boys have definitely changed me.

My boys are practically grown and I am on to a different species now. I just want to take a moment and say Thank you to God.  I wanted two girls and two boys.  God probably laughed at that request because He knew these years would come.  I've heard many horror stories that once their daughter went into high school their eyes rolled back in their heads and starting spinning around possessed by something that was not their sweet baby girl.   The stories are scary and I am hoping they are exaggerated.  I am praying that my daughter stays her sweet, level headed, Jesus-lovin' self.  That not only will I love her the next couple years, but that I like her as well.  I'll be a second mom to as many she brings to me, but I don't want to be the one they roll their eyes at and makes them clean their room.  :)

I am learning to enjoy each phase of my kids lives.  Not to take it for granted.  Soon enough, they will be graduated with real jobs and families of their own.  Let's not rush into it.  The real world is not always as much fun as you think it will be.  Joey has kinda realized that since graduating high school.  Those days you wish would be over, soon enough are -- and your kids get just a little bit bigger. You wonder were the time went.  And you would like some of it back.

Forgiveness

"Life with God is not immunity from difficulties,

but Peace in difficulties."  --  C.S. Lewis

Where would we be without the strength and comfort of God?  I honestly don't understand how the non-believers make it through life.  Our life can be hard at times:  kids, parents, relationships, financial, health...the list can go on and on.  And if this life is all that there is, why keep going?

I did not grow up in church or in a family that prayed or even talked about God.  Did they believe in God? I am not sure.  I had friends that went to church but I never had a relationship with God myself.  For me, there was a very distinct line in my life: before God and after.  I grew up with abuse in my home.  There was always the big elephant in the middle of the room that no one dared mention.  I couldn't even tell my friends. There was little hope and I didn't understand why this happened to me.  Why is this my life?

I had to get to the bottom of my pit before I was ready. The anger I had built up.  The emptiness I felt.  The feeling of being all alone against the world as a teenager -- it was devastating.   That's where God found me.  Broken and empty.  God didn't swoop in and change my circumstances, but He gave me hope.  With God, I was able to let go of the anger and forgive even the unforgivable.  I was able to mend relationships with my family and go on from there.

I am able to see what life would be like if I had not let God heal my heart.  My brother has built walls, holds grudges, and holds on to his anger.  What has that given him?  He is missing out on being an uncle to three great kids.  He wouldn't even know Joey if he passed him on the street and we live in the same town!!  He was never there the 2 years that God gave me with my Dad before he passed away of cancer.  He never attended any doctor appointments.  He never called my dad to grab lunch.  My Dad's funeral was the last time I actually saw him. My brother doesn't have a relationship with any of his family.

Family is too precious.  I've drove many miles to watch my niece and nephew play baseball and soccer.  Baked many cookies, cheesecakes and chocolate cakes for them as well.  I would never give up my role as their favorite aunt.  :)  My adult nieces will sit by me...sometimes on me...hold my hand and catch up.  My nephew is married and hopefully be bringing a baby in family in the next couple years.  Love them!!  I can't imagine being like my brother and not having those relationships.  It makes me sad for him.  People are irreplaceable.

So is God.  That empty feeling inside your heart cannot be filled with stuff. Nor can it be filled with any person in your life. It's amazing the way God made you.  That place is reserved especially for Him. 

"Dear children, keep away
 from anything that 
might take God's 
place in your hearts."

1 John 5:21

Mean Girls

As your kids grow up, you realize that somethings stay the same.  There will always be those certain jocks that seem to have it all.  There's those cheerleaders that will do anything to have others like them.  The weird ones that you kinda' ignore because you don't really know what to make of them. The kids that seem only to have the color black in their closet and try to sound very deep but end up sounding stupid.  (okay, maybe that was only in the 90's!)  And, of course, there are the mean girls.  I am not saying that guys cannot be mean, but girls - they can take it to another level.

 As a mom with boys and a girl, I am thankful that I only have to go through this once! You guys that have multiple girls, God must have knew you could handle it! :)  The momma bear in me comes out and I am not very nice. The first mean girl for Faith was in elementary school and was actually a school counselors daughter.  Ironic, huh?  Too bad the mother's empathy did not get taught to her children.

Junior high there is another one, of course.  I am sure that her mom has no idea as well.  Which is sad.  If my kids ever do anything like this, I would like to know.  It will be taken care of.  My boys are bigger than me now and 18 and older, but it would still be taken care of.  My daughter's social life would be ending.   There is no reason to treat others disrespectfully.  I know this girl is very insecure and this is her way of making herself feel better.  She has to put my daughter down to build herself up.  Jealousy comes in many forms and this is one of them.  At first, it really hurt Faith.  She cried many tears over this "friend."  Faith tried to change herself so this girl would accept her.  She tried to do the rules this "friend" made up.  Yeah, Faith jumped through many hoops trying to save this friendship until she realized that no matter what she did - it would still not be good enough.  That was a good day.  She just walked away.  I know that it still bother's her but I don't believe it hurts her anymore.  I know that in time, others will be able to see what kind of person she really is and decide it's not worth it too.

Instead, we are focusing of the real friends in her life.  The ones that will be there through the ups and down that are coming in high school.  The friends that want what's best for each other.  That are happy when you succeed.  That will give you a hard time when you need it.   That will be there when you need to talk.  The friendships we all need in life.  The blessings God gives us to help us make it.

"Blowing out someone else's candle, doesn't make yours shine any brighter."

"People who are not happy with themselves, cannot possibly be happy with you."

Sonic Run

Having three kids gives you PLENTY of opportunity to see how you've screwed up.  Especially as they have gotten older.  You just pray that your mess ups, have not truly messed them up.  That one day as an adult, my son is not laying on a couch spilling crap to a therapist about how messed up his childhood was.

As dysfunctional as my childhood was, I am the "normal" one of my siblings.  It  took my getting to my breaking point at 19 or 20 years old and God meeting me where I was.  But that is another story.....  This time I want to talk about my friend down the street growing up.

I had a friend down the street named Janice.  She was old enough to be my mom, but she truly was a friend. We made runs to Sonic for a Cherry Limeade and onion rings just to sit in her car and talk.  She made time for me even though I was stupid kid with way too many issues.  Yeah, she had plenty of issues of her own, but maybe that is what helped us bond.  Janice's friendship was there through the twists and turns of adolescents when I needed someone stable to love me and listen. As an adult, I realize how special and needed that friendship was to me.

My two oldest are boys and you basically have to pry any information out of them growing up.  I unfortunately didn't really get to know any of their friends.  I only remember having one of Joey's friends go hiking with us once.  Even now, I still don't know who Joey considers to be good friends.  Luke is thankfully close friends with some one we have known their family forever.  My boys are basically adults and I just pray for God to watch over them and make good choices.  Just looking back, wish I did things a little differently.

Faith has been a change from the secret society of boys.  She tells me most (not stupid enough to think I know it all!!) of what is going on in her life. I started having band nights once a month

with a group of her friends.  Yeah, I am sure that she probably wishes that I just would drop her off, but it has given me an opportunity to get to know her friends.  (It has also given me a chance to know her boyfriend as well.  I am happy to say that my girl has good taste.)  I've built relationships with the girls.  They have my number and have texted me before.  I've texted them as well.  It has given me that chance to be that adult friend for some one else.  Some one that can love on them, listen, give advice, but is not mom.  I know as long as I try those relationships will grow with time.  We all need a cheerleader in the background.  I'm fine with being that person.  Who knows what they will be facing in the text few years of their life?  High school is around the corner and there is both good and bad during those three years.  I want to be that person willing to make that Sonic run or if it's really bad, grab a tub of chocolate ice cream and sit at the park with two spoons.  :)

Faith, 14 - Luke, 17 - Joey, 19

I cannot believe it's been two years since my last post.  But then again, in some ways I can.  Life tends to get away from us.  One day leads to another.  Soon enough a week has past.  Which turns into a month...then a year.

I turn around and my kids are grown.  Last year was Joey's graduation.  I was dehydrated before graduation day even got here!  The last football game when the band played.  The last band concert.  Senior assembly.  It was one thing after another tugging on this Momma's heartstrings.  Now he is going to the community college full time and working part time.  He trying to reach his goal realizing that after high school isn't near as much as fun as you imagine.

This year is Luke's graduation.  After all these years of IEP meetings, meeting with teachers, going above to administration downtown - basically being a pain in several people's butt -- it is coming to an end.  I would do it all again in a heartbeat.  Because after 12 years of fighting, Luke is loving his senior year and has straight A's.  He has options for his future thanks to his high school and a teacher that believes in him. This Momma will crying those ugly tears very soon this year.

Then, comes my baby girl.  It doesn't matter how old she is - she will always be my baby girl.  Faith is now a Freshman and will be starting high school this fall.  She made the varsity soccer team and she plays the trumpet.  Her life right now is basically homework, soccer, band, a nice boyfriend, and a few good friends.  I am just praying that she learns to balance the stress she puts on herself to make straight A's.  Her stress level can be high at times but with her supportive friends, she is doing well.

Well, that is a start.  Letting you know where the kids are right now. I am looking forward to writing again.  It's a part of me that I have missed.  In a time where everything is face paced - it is good to slow down for a moment.  God can reveal things in everyday moments - we just have to notice.


                        "Those who are the happiest, never did have everything.
                        But rather, they are thankful for everything they do have."