Pride is constant part of humanity, from Adam and Eve to today. Human culture is full of pride. In our family. In our home. In our jobs. In our clothes. In the car we drive. Pride is always there sitting in the back of everyday life affecting out decisions daily.
What happens when it is stripped away? What happens when our pride is put aside? I am getting there. Peeling pride away layer by layer. Pride has no place right now in our lives. Pride disappears when your car is towed away because your husband's hours were cut down to 32 for 2 months and health insurance is $800 month. Pride cannot be there when you look in the refrigerator and there's a half a carton of eggs and a couple cups of milk left. And no payday for another week. Pride disappears when the only car you are left with has front bearing and transmission problems. (Friday's news - it gets worse before it gets better, right??) Pride disappears when your son is doing breathing treatments nightly because his asthma is acting up since we moved. (to a place built in 1970's) Pride disappears when there is 6 weeks until Christmas and only a couple paychecks. Pride disappears when you get on your knees asking for God's mercy.
That's where we are at right now. Sometimes it is not only day by day but moment by moment. We are living on grace. We are leaning on God. We are praying for more, but trying to accept where we are at. Our pride is gone. And, for once, I am being honest when people ask. Those simple, 'how are you doing?' questions ~ I tell them that we could use their prayers. And you know what is sad? The response I get is usually something about them having to cut back a little. They don't go out to eat as much. Or their vacation will be closer to home. I want to cry, 'I just want to buy groceries for my family!!' But, I just nod and try to look sympathetic. At one time, I didn't get it either. I thought I did. I thought I understood what it was like to need help. It was cutting back a little here or there. But, I was just kidding myself. I know what it's like now. I know what it's like to go back to the basics of flour and a couple eggs to figure out supper because that is what is in the house. And, I am thankful that I have learned to cook and to pray!
I know that God is working. I know that He is here in the mist of my mess not looking down at me. God is here as the tears roll down my cheeks wiping them away. God hears my prayers when they are not words but sounds. God is here as my children watch my faith never waiver even through the trials. God is there with each beautiful sunset that gives me peace because we made it through another day. God is there as I hug my kids because they give me strength when I need it most. God is there when a sweet toddler runs to me and yells my name at church. Yes, as I look around the paneling on my walls, I realize that God is right here with me. And ~ we'll make it, with God's grace. We will come out on the other side better people for going through this. My human side just wishes the other side would come tommorrow.
"Preserve me, O God: for in thee do I put my trust." Psalm 16:1
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