Changes

 It's really hard to believe that it's September and I haven't wrote in months.  I haven't wrote since Covid took over the world.  I haven't even wrote about my baby girl graduating.  So, much to catch up on.  But, that will have to be for another night.  Tonight, God has been speaking truth to me as I've been debating somethings.  God's truth brings peace and clarity.  After all, there are times in our lives when we are full and have so much to give.  Times when God's truth and light just comes from within us.  Times when praying comes easy.  

Then there are other times when praying are the tears running down our face.  Times when clarity isn't there and peace is no where in sight.  Life isn't always easy.  And there are a times when I just don't want to be the grown up in the room.  Ever feel that way??  Please just let some one else step up or take responsibility.  Please just me give me a snack and let me go outside and play.  

The past couple years, I've had more tears than words when I pray.  More times when I feel drained then filled with the Spirit.  More wondering why things have to be this way, then answers.  I feel, for lack of any other words, unsupported.  In Galatians 6:2 it says, "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."  I've shared some of my struggles with my Mom's dementia in small group.  I've truly shared my husband's health struggles with a few people over the past couple years. 

I know that everyone is busy with their own life, but a simple text to someone who might need it can make a difference.  I know that chocolate can help a lot too.  I try to be that person. Fresh chocolate chip cookies has been delivered to many homes through the years.  Not to say that always think of others, but I try.  If I know your struggling, I will support you in any way I can.  Sometimes it's just listening.  Sometimes it's praying.  A lot of times, it's food.  I'm not putting this out there to say I'm awesome, because I'm not.  Lord knows I miss things and my list of faults is long. 

And, I am thankful for the few friends I have that do randomly just text me just to see how things are.  I'm just putting it out there because I can't keep doing the same thing and expect a different outcome.  I need to make a few changes for me. That's just the way it is.

Corinthians 13:11  "Finally, brothers, rejoice.  Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you."

Doesn't that sound wonderful?  The God of love and peace will be with you!

One chapter ending...

It has been some hard, emotional couple of weeks.  I missed a couple days of work to spend quality time in social security office, going from one place to another, just to get all the paperwork for a nursing home to accept my mom. Who would have thought that I'd have to visit a funeral home last week? I've had many moments of tears and break downs.  I've had times where I've done all that I could do and just ask God to do the rest.  And, He does.

There was a moment this week, when I was sitting in my mom's boxed up apartment going through a box looking for papers that I couldn't find, and everything hit me.  I'm taking away my mom's freedom and I am not only changing her life, but my own as well. The days of my mom just stopping by are no longer.  Those days of coming home and finding some small thing she picked up because she knows I like it are over.  Today I moved the boxes out of her apartment and locked the door for the last time.  That chapter of her life is ending.

A new chapter begins...a chapter no one ever looks forward to.  It's hard for her.  I've taken away not only her ability to drive, but to be independent.  In her mind, she is just fine.  She really don't understand why I've done this besides listening to the stupid doctor's advice.  It's hard for me.  I am the only one making these decisions.  I went through every box in her apartment and had do decide if she needs it, if she might need it later, if I could use it, or if I should donate.  All within about a week.  I am mentally and emotionally tired. However, besides being bored, my mom seems okay.  Which, is better than she has been in months.

She was officially diagnosed with Vascular dementia.  It's nothing I'd want any parent or child to go through.  Vascular dementia is caused by damage to the blood vessels to your brain.  So, your brain is deprived of oxygen and small parts of your brain dies.  With this kind of dementia, you don't really know what parts of your brain will be affected.  Yes, memory is usually affected, but it could even affect your personality.  It can cause hallucinations and delusions as it did with my mother.   This can caused by a stroke or heart attack, or in my mom's case, diabetes or high blood pressure. 

 I know that there is an adjustment period for not only her, but me as well.  I still have boxes in my garage I need to go through.  She has now been in there a week.  I am still paying her bills and turning off utilities.  I'm sure I've missed something.  I'm taking it day by day right now. Isn't that all that we can do?  I know that this was best, but it doesn't make it easier.

Growing Up Is Never Fun

There are times when staying Peter Pan and never growing up sound wonderful. I'd like to escape to Neverland and laugh and play all day. Sleep when you want to.  Eat what you want without gaining weight!!  HELLO! Sign me up!  Okay, yes, I know that part wasn't in any of the Peter Pan movies but if we are having a fantasy world -- no calories will be part of it! :)  Because growing up is hard and there are a lot of parts that suck.  Plain and simple.

Finding out your Dad has cancer and there isn't anything the doctors can do. So hard. Watching your Dad take his last breaths. Hard doesn't even explain it. Now, with my mom, life is hard once again.

My mom was diagnosed with Dementia last year.  But, she was able to fake normal for long enough the insurance said she was fine and kicked out help.  So, I pretended she was fine.  It's so much easier to pretend everything is normal.  When I say "normal,"  I don't mean you and I normal.  I mean, my mother normal.  The paranoid normal that he has been for years.  Where there is listening devices and people following her.  The things that have unfortunately become "normal" for my mother the past several years.  Until you can't pretend anymore.  By the time it reaches this level -- things have gone from okay to really bad. And it did.  I asked for a home visit from the place that treated her last year.  (they have a dementia outreach person)  So, on the 19the of February, my daughter's 18th birthday, she did a home visit.  And there is no more faking normal anymore.  There are pages of notes that my mother openly said.  So, my mother was put in an ambulance and taken to the psychiatric treatment place she was before.

Now, I am having talks about dementia units in nursing homes.  I'm having talks with talks about her insurance and her bills.  I'm having talks about taking away not only her driving but her freedom as well. How is my mother through this?  Angry.  She wasn't happy to see me when when I visited her Sunday.  She knows it is my power of attorney that is keeping her there, so she is asking for it back. The nurses and social worker is putting her off and telling her they can't find it.  But, one day, in the next week -- I will have to have that talk with my mother.  I will have to sign papers and move my mother to a nursing home.  I will make my mother cry.  I will make my mother angry.  She might even hate me for a while.  

This is why my blood pressure is terrible lately. This is why I'm one step away from tears most of the time.  This is why growing up is never fun.  Even in the midst of this mess, I can see God's mercy.  With His help, I will make it through this. 

New Start

It is very telling when I log into my blog that I've always enjoyed writing and the last blog I actually posted was in 2018.  On my list there are three posts that I started to write in 2019, but I never finished... never posted.  Three posts with the same message of confusion.  Three pleas for God's help.  Three posts wondering why life has to be like this. Three posts wishing things were different.

But guess what?  It's a new year.  My circumstances haven't changed. The same baggage that I just couldn't even bring myself to finish writing about is still here. However,  I have changed.  Not going to lie and say it's something dramatic like a butterfly emerging from it's cocoon.  This "butterfly" here is defiantly more moth like.  And honestly, I think I might still be in the cocoon.  Who knows? 
 
What ever it is, I have finally realized something.  That no matter how bad the circumstances are... you still need to take care of you.  I haven't done that in a while.  Not emotionally.  Not physically.  Not mentally.  I've just been on autopilot going through the days making sure everyone else is taken care of.  At night, praying and asking for help before falling asleep.  Just to wake up and do it all again.  Yes, there were some good days in there.  Those times with family and friends would be an awesome break from the monotonous routine.   It really wasn't a depression either.  Just autopilot.

I am turning off autopilot this year.  For 2020, my words this year is Intentional.  Isn't that a great word?  I've been trying to find a word that fit through out January and I kept coming up with phrases or two words.  Finally, last week it came to me.... Intentional.  I am taking care of me physically, emotionally, and mentally.  I am being intentional with the food I'm eating.  I've only lost 8 pounds so far but I'm eating so much healthier. I'm eating things I never thought I'd eat. 

I'm being very intentional about the connection with family and friends.  I need that so much.  I believe that we all do.  So, I'm looking at the monthly calendar and at least once a month, I'm scheduling time with friends or family.  In January, we went to a couple game nights beginning of the month and had Mexican food with friends at the end of the month.  Last night, was a game night with two great families.  Laughter with others is such a blessing from God.  Those moments don't just happen.  Last year while I was on autopilot, they only happened every few months.  If you break that down, that is only 4 or 5 times last year!  They don't take much effort.  It just takes being intentional, making the time, and scheduling it.

That is the example I want to set for my kids.  I want them to see that no matter how busy life is, take time to connect and laugh with those people God puts in your life.  There is enough hard stuff.  There are plenty of tears in this life. There are plenty of circumstances to make you worry and pray about.  But, there should also be laughter.  There needs to be more walk with your dog.  More veggies on your plate.  Let's turn off the autopilot, look around at the people around us, and be intentional.