Going Through the What If's

 I got asked about those other moments.  The ones you have to process through when the word Cancer gets connected to you.  My friend wanted to make sure that I'm processing everything and don't burst later.  I assured them that I am not ignoring those times.  Those hard moments are still there.  It's nothing I can choose to put it off to the side.  The "Why Me?" question pops sometimes up when I'm thinking too hard about it.  I think of everything that's happened in my life and I wonder why?  But I can answer that question pretty easily.  Why not me?  There have been far greater people who has gone through worse. Not to minimalize what I've gone through --  from childhood abuse to holding everything together for many years as my husband got worse and passed.  There is a lot of crap in my forty something years. But I am not any better than the next person, so why not me?

But the "what if" question -- now that gets to me.  I want to see my kids happily married.  Successful in what they choose. A few grandkids would be great as well.  I want to be there for those moments.  I want to be there for the that phone call when they still need Mom's advise.  I want to be there for all those moments in between. But, what if  -- those are just My wants?  Not God's plans?  What if God's idea of healing me isn't the same as mine?

As I was putting away the Christmas tree, I wondered if I would be able to do it again next Christmas.  What if I'm not there to yell at Briggs from the sidelines of his first soccer game?  What if I never get to take another vacation with all three of my kids again?  What if the cancer comes back?  Or what if when they take out the cancer - one of those cells land on another organ?  One that cannot be taken out?  Those "what if's" tend to multiply.  The "what if's" just sink my heart.  Make me lose hope. All of the "what if's" reach deep in my heart and squeeze the tears. Leaving me drained and scared.

  

That's when I just a deep breath and cry to God to just calm my heart and my mind.  Lord I just ask for your peace.  A peace that doesn't make sense with everything going around me.  God is Hope and Peace and Love.  All those thoughts that can bring me to my knees -- that is chaos and it does not come from Him.  

Even if -- that's what I'm hanging on to.  It comes from Daniel 3, three guys named Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were being held captive.  The king that held them wanted the 3 of them to bow down and worship the king's god.  The king threatened their lives if they didn't listen.  The three told the King that God could save them but EVEN IF,  He didn't -- they still would not bow down.  Even if they had to die that day  -- they would rather go through it with God.  That's where I'm at once again.   I don't know God's plan is for my life.  I don't know why I am at this point.  I don't know what is going to happen.  I just know that I would not make it without Him. I know that Even if I have go down this path I do not want, I would rather go through it with God.  And those three guys in Daniel -- when you looked in the furnace they were thrown in -- there where 4 walking around unharmed.  Because God does not leave His children during the hard stuff.  He is there with us…. Even If.

Cancer - so now what?

 I am now one of the 81, 610 people in the US that was newly diagnosed with kidney cancer in 2024.  That statistic is really the only one category I fit in.  Risk facts include smoking, high blood pressure, and obesity. (yeah, I am chunky, but I am not that chunky.  None of my doctors has said my weight was an issue)  The average age for kidney cancer is 67 with most diagnosis between ages 60 - 74.  This type of cancer is twice as common in Men.  And kidney cancer is more common in African American, American Indian, and Alaska Native  people.  So, if you look at all of the statistics of kidney cancer -- it should not be me.  I would have never gotten screened for it.  There are no flags popping up that would tell a doctor that I have kidney cancer.  Even my bloodwork showed my kidneys are working fine.  

Honestly, that scares me even more.  There really is not any reason for me to have it.  Without having pain on my side and the doctor ordering a CT scan, no one would ever know until it was too bad to do anything. Kidney cancer does not respond to chemo or radiation.  So as long as it stays to one kidney and does not go to other organs, it can be removed.  But, the urologist told me that by the time my bloodwork shows anything - it has grown and sometimes moved to surrounding organs.   

I do believe that God is taking care of me.  That CT scan saved my life.  The general surgeon that took my gallbladder out told me that it was a lot worse than it looked in the scans.  My gallbladder was twisted and filled with bile.  It could have burst and made me septic.  The post-op nurse was reading everything about my gallbladder and she told me that it really was a good thing that it came out when it did.   I never did have any pain or symptoms of gallbladder problems. Even when met with the doctor before having my gallbladder removed, he let me make the decision to remove it or not.  Like it was optional.  

My next step is surgery to remove the kidney cancer and surrounding cells.  If I was not the youngest patient at the urologist, they do have other options to give patients another 10 to 15 years.  This procedure isn't usually done when your in your 70's because this surgery is apparently painful and evasive. Since your kidneys are connected to your coronary arteries, it has to be clipped to slow blood flow.   Then your kidney has to be iced to slow blood even more.  They take out what they need to, test the cells that are left, and then put you back together again.  However, since I am only in my 40's, surgery is the best option for it not to come back or to keep growing.  I'll be in the hospital around 5 days just to regulate my high doses of pain medication. I'll be off work for the whole month of March. Praying that 4 weeks will be enough and not the 6-8 weeks that they recommend.  

I praise God that He got me to the doctor before things got worse.  I know that I have some rough times ahead of me. It will not be easy.  I will have days and moments that will be hard. But, honestly no one is ready for the word cancer.  Cancer is beyond our control.  We can't just turn our back and ignore that word.  As much as I like to hide my head in the sand - it is not an option.  Even If this is in front of me  - I choose to believe that God’s got this covered.

The Scary "C" Word...

In 2022, my word for the year was Breathe.  It was a hard couple years watching Kent's decline.  I needed a year to just Be...To stop...To rest... To mentally adjust to everything that I had gone though.   And figure out what a new normal might look like.  Last year my word was Wellness.  It was way past time to take care of me.  Walking a few more steps and eating a few more vegetables.  Add in a few doctor appointments.  

This year, my word is Trust.  You see some of those doctor's appointments, didn't go as planned.  In October, I finally went to the doctor for some pain I was having in my lower abdomen.  Doctor said it must be an abdominal hernia.  No big deal.  Easy-Peasy surgery and I'll be good to go.  I was sent for a CT scan to confirm.  I really was not worried.  Doctor was confident that was the issue.

Until that wasn't the issue.  It's never a good thing when doctor says they need to see you today.  The feeling of dread is pretty instant.  Those hours until my appointment went so slow.  Then, suddenly, your in the doctor's office and I was handed a list on a post-it note of everything they found in the CT scan.  Hernia was not on the list.

Enlarged spleen, cysts on ovaries, fibroid on uterus, porcelain gallbladder, kidney stones, and spot on kidneys.  I believe there might have been something else as well, but I can't remember right now.  My first thought was -- let's go back to the hernia diagnosis.  That sounds a whole lot better then the list I was just handed. 

So, next step was more tests to schedule with lots of different doctors.  MRI got scheduled and a pelvic ultrasound.  Appointment with surgeon for my gallbladder.  Appointment with urologist.  Plus a gynecology appointment scheduled Christmas Eve.  All of this happened in about 6 weeks.  All of a sudden, I went from barely going to the doctor to one appointment after another. 

On November 26th, I went in for my MRI.  The next day, I got the phone call.  The results from the MRI were already in and the doctors' called and told me over the phone that I have a renal cell carcinoma.  My brain could not wrap about it.  What??  So, I asked -- In normal English what does that mean??  Then the words -- kidney cancer.  You need to get into an urologist soon to figure out the next steps.  Hanging up that phone call and acting like everything was okay was hard.  But my mom was right there and I wasn't ready to talk about it.  I hadn't absorbed the information myself.  So, let's fake it through these next few weeks and get through the holidays.

I did, of course, Google everything that night.  Don't we all?  I did make sure and look at medical websites.  Or the ones that look like medical websites anyway.  Kidney cancer apparently does not respond to chemo or radiation. (scary thought!) That as long as it stays on the kidney, surgery should be able to remove it.  

But -- cancer?!?!  After everything that I've been through  --  that word is now my diagnosis? That word is now part of me.  Kent used to make a joke to me that he had everything but cancer.  And, here I am.   It's been over a month now and I still doesn't seem real.  It hits me every once in a while when I least expect it.  I'd be Christmas shopping and find myself crying in the isle.  Or a song in the car.  Cancer changes everything.  There is now a time before cancer.  And a time after the cancer diagnosis.  It's a marker in my life now.  That word is scary and it holds power.  My mind will go a little crazy with that word at times.  "What if" can be a scary thing.

Then I remember -- Jesus has the real power.  I am Trusting God through this.  He is the reason that I have made it this far. He is the reason that I can raise my hands to praise and sing even while I cry.  So now my "what if" is turning into an "even if."

Time to Fall Apart

 I have to admit -- I am one of those Momma's that haven't taken very good of herself.  I've definitely put myself last for most of my life.  My kids, of course, always came first.  I love being a Momma.  While my kids were still young, my dad got cancer and my brother stepped away.  So it was on me to take care of.  My husband had his first heart issues at 39 years old.  Then, for the next 15 years he collected doctors, surgeries, and appointments.  My mom's crazy finally got diagnosed because I got her to a hospital by lying to her.  Once again, my brother bowed out.  The Lord knows it's been a lot.  I know that's why He protected me and this frail body for so many years.  I was holding things together for too many people.

Who has time to fall apart?  

As a mom, so many times we feel the weight of our little world right on our shoulders.  And we just keep going... keep pushing.  Doing this.  Going here.  Signing up for this or that.  Going and going just trying to make it to the next day. Running and running on the hamster wheel of life.  Because if I don't do it.  Then no one else will.  And then apparently, the world will fall apart.   Or so I tell myself.

Not that I never went to the doctor.  I went once or twice a year for strep to a walk in clinic.  When I was 40, I decided I would be a big girl and get everything checked out.  So, I went to my husbands PCP and had the panel of blood work done.  I went and got my boobs smooshed so flat ya' wanna cry.  And my feet in the dreaded stirrups we all hate.  Check.  Check.  And Check.  Everything was fine so let's continue with life.  Pushing and running and doing....

Don't worry, yes, 8 years later I finally got my own doctor.  I decided that 2024 would work on my health.  Went to the doctor, got bloodwork checked out, currently on a lifetime of medicine. 😁  Seriously, just one medication -- not bad for years of neglecting myself.  I can look back at the year and say, that yes, I am finally taking steps to take better care of me. Should I have done it earlier?  Yeah...  but Life is messy.  And busy. Plans don't always work out the way we wanted them to.  Sometimes plans A, B, And C don't work out. Sometimes plan D is going okay and a curveball comes your way.  We just don't know what is up ahead. 

So where ever that you are on your own journey, take a moment and just breathe.  Whether you have kids screaming, "Momma" and not letting you go pee in by yourself.  Or your in the years where you are their chauffer and they don't want your opinion. (or your rules) Maybe your at home praying they come back in one piece before curfew.  I am at the point where I just want them all around a table laughing as we play a few games.  (unfortunately, it doesn't happen a lot) Life is messy.  And in the middle of the chaos, God is there.   Take a moment.  Or maybe two.  Find the Joy that God is giving you today.  Breathe in the peace that He offers today.  Don't worry -- He has more in store for you tomorrow.  You cannot pour into your family, your friends, or your work -- when you show up with an empty cup.  Take care of YOU.  God has made you for a purpose.  He has put you where you are at for a reason.  Yes, it might be hard.  Yes, you will have times you want to give up.  Just take that moment with God.  Let Him fill you with a strength, peace, love.  Let Him fill your cup so much it overflows.  So, then, you have something to give others.  

And Honey, it takes more than driving through Starbucks to fill you up.   That can be a start. But, you have to take care of you so that you can take care of everyone else.  One cup of coffee isn't going to cut it.  Find your joy.  Find your peace.  Give God a chance to speak to you.  Do those little things to take care of you this year.  It is not selfish.  Don't let others tell you it is.  My husband tried to guilt me when I wanted to hike more on my two free Saturdays a month and it worked for a while.   I stayed home those Saturdays cleaning house, watching him watch tv, or sleep in the chair.  Until I finally told him that I am going, he can choose to go with me, or he can stay home.  It is his choice.  Being out in the woods is good for my mental, physical, and spiritual self.  I needed those couple hours twice a month to take care of me.  What are things that you can do to make you more calm and centered this new year?  How does taking care of you look?   Also, don't be like me and wait 8 years to get a check-up.  We have to get our check engine light checked out before we fall apart.